Through the Storm
by Sparkle Itamashii
Summary: It’s funny how sometimes the world gets turned so totally upside down that when you finally make it through the storm and look back you can only wonder how you survived… *Boyslove* *Main:1x2x1*
1. Chapter One

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Author: CONTACTcon-589113507 Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Through the Storm

Warnings: Respect the rating. See my profile for rating details.

Disclaimer: Please see _**chapter thirty**_ of this story for official disclaimers and due credit.

Notes: Yes, I am reposting this. I took it down to revamp it, and after a couple years realized that was never going to happen. So this is Storm, in original form, for all those who enjoyed it the first time. If you're new to the story… well, enjoy the ride!

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**Please do not take, distribute, or archive without my permission.**

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/_**There's no where left to fall**_

_**When you reach the bottom**_

_**It's now or never**_/

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**Chapter One**

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I couldn't, for the life of me, tell you who botched it. I don't even really know how it happened, how we all ended up in such an awful situation- and trust me, it was awful. The only escape I remember pondering was possible was suicide. I'm grateful someone was still thinking, that we were all still on our feet by the time we found our way out. As much as I'm willing to sacrifice my life for the good of others, I'd rather not throw it away, and I'm going to try everything in my power to remain alive.

Maybe… maybe I should start at the beginning.

We'd all ended up back on Earth again- man, what a gorgeous place- trying to help things out. Relena had offered Quatre and me sanctuary in one of her residences, which we gladly took. It must have cost her somewhere, somehow. I'm sure there were a lot of people throwing fits over it, but she did it anyhow. She does a lot for us, but it's mostly in a backward manner. I understand that you gotta stick to your beliefs, no matter what. What you believe in can often define who you are. She's fighting for peace every bit as much as the other pilots and I are fighting for it. Pacifism is her way, slaughter is ours. We get along nicely, despite all that.

Anyhow, Quatre and I were just making sandwiches- peanut butter and jelly, if you want to know- when his phone started going off like mad. Quatre's really funny that way, still carrying a cell phone and equipping it with cute little jingles for different people. Of course, I suppose we're all just as funny for carrying matching ones, so we can call him. From the ring tone I could tell it was Trowa, but this was different, Quatre wasn't smiling. He looked at me with those eyes that say a million things, his hand gripping that phone so tight his knuckles were turning white. It still got to him, bad, that we had to fight everyone; that we ever had to kill other people. He always wore that same hurt, saddened expression on his face as he listened to the mission information. It made me want to give him a hug, but I restrained myself.

He thanked Trowa, and they spoke briefly afterward, a much more normal conversation this time. After a few calming breaths Quatre was under control again, relaxing as he hung up the phone and offered me a weak attempt at a smile. I took it for face value, though, because sometimes you just gotta know when to let things slide. I didn't want to say anything first- I knew Quatre would speak on his own time. It's almost like a rule between the gundam pilots.

"We've got a new mission." Quatre said blandly, with far less emotion than I would have expected.

Now a mission isn't a big deal. I mean, it is because we could die, but then again we could die walking across the street, mowed down by a school-bus or something. Missions are not such a big deal because they are more of a regular in our lives than anything else except maybe each other's presences. This though… this was something else, I could tell.

"For all five of us."

There we go, I knew there had to be more. Generally speaking we don't normally go on missions where all five of the gundams are involved. What forces out there would take on all five of us and survive? Not many, if any at all. This was big. I knew that even before he gave me any of the mission details. We were being given a shot at the leaders, at the head of the OZ organization. Even that prick Tuberov was going to be there, down from outer space. It was a fantastic opportunity, a way to finally make some deep cuts into the organization we had all come to hate.

After the Romafeller foundation practically collapsed, its support being ripped away from it in a movement inspired by our very own little Relena, OZ had taken a turn for the worst. With Treize's death came a wave of revolt unlike anything previously seen. For a short period of time it had seemed like the OZ soldiers had gone entirely berserk- they were killing off anyone that got in their way, regardless of whether they had been friend or foe in the past. Several people gathered to their situation, however, and clawed handholds for themselves, snaking into positions of power and taking control of the veritable army. The war had taken a violent turn from fighting for peace to fighting for survival and finally we were fighting for peace once more. This had become a fight to free everyone, everywhere from being dominated by the tyrannical force into which OZ had manifested itself.

Oh, we knew it wasn't going to be easy to bring them down, not by any definition of the word. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. Despite that, I already knew we would have to do it, or at the very least die trying. That's how close it came, too- we almost died trying.

I hadn't seen the others in weeks, save for Quatre and Relena. I didn't even know where they were, where they had ended up after we reached earth. It's not like I couldn't have just called them to find out where they were… but our lives have this nasty habit of going wrong at the worst possible times, and I can imagine calling Wu Fei to see what he's up to only to find out he was hiding from some OZ soldiers inside one of their bases and the cell-phone ring gave him away. My hide would be his when he got away, if he got away at all. So in the end no one called anyone else, and we all just worried about the others in our group. Better safe than sorry, though, I suppose.

"Without the gundams." Quatre finished, interrupting my self rant.

Now that, THAT was the REAL catch. Sure, there were no forces on earth that could bring the five gundams down if we worked together… but the pilots on their own, now we're a different story. I can't even begin to relate the number of times we've been caught and imprisoned and shuffled around before we could escape. Human beings are greedy and power-hungry. I guess the light side of that same aspect of humans is that that has been what's kept us alive so long. Everyone sees a use for the gundam pilots, if they can just get them on their side. We're tools, and no one wants to break the best tools out there if they think they can use them.

So we were going in alone, with not even the help of our other halves to aide us. I should have known right there, I should have stopped it right there and told Quatre no way, there was no way we'd be able to do it. I should have refused the mission. But I didn't. I couldn't. How could I? I was supposed to be able to sacrifice my life for the missions, for peace… This though… this was ludicrous. Even if, and we're talking a MAJOR if here, even if they weren't expecting the five of us, the entire place would probably be armed to the teeth simply because of the company. Say we even make it inside… We make it in and manage to off those we're supposed to. What then? Are we expected to make it out alive?

Actually… probably not. We probably weren't supposed to make it out alive. It would be convenient, wouldn't it? I mean, two of the real forces in this war would be taken out with one clean swipe. If we pulled it off there wouldn't be much of an OZ left to speak of. Then again, there wouldn't be much of a gundam team to speak of, either. So what do you do with options like that? It was obviously a suicide mission… but if we succeeded we'd be pretty disposable anyhow, seeing as there wouldn't be a war to fight in any longer. So it didn't matter if we could have made it out or not. It'd probably be easier if we died, instead of having to find a new place in the world.

I suppose in the end it wasn't really up for debate. We were going whether I thought we'd live through it or not. They were all going, the other pilots would all be there. I couldn't let them down by hiding, by running away as I've done on more than one occasion in the past. I had to go, I had to try. If, for absolutely nothing else, then to see them again, I would go. I would risk it all to see the only family I had left, for the chance to see them for what could have been the last time, ever.

So we left. The rendezvous date was two days from that phone call. It was quite a ways away. Trowa called once more to tell us where to meet up with them. We left the gundams far enough away that they would be left alone until we could get back to them. Their self-destruct mechanisms had been set on self-timers. We had about thirty hours to get back to them or they would blow. That way, if we didn't make it out, OZ wouldn't be able to salvage them, use them against the forces we were fighting with. It was with heavy hearts that we left them there, stealing into the early dawn. We didn't think we'd make it out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go into missions hoping to die or anything. I'm rather hoping we'll live through it to fight again… but in my world you just have to expect that you are going to die and be thankful when you don't. That's just the way it worked. I knew we would make it in- making it in is always the easier part. After all, when you're going in, no one knows you're there, no one's on the lookout for you, and most of the time… there aren't a lot of people out for your blood. Yet. When you're trying to get out, though… That's the tough part. People know you're there. Maybe, if you're lucky, they don't know who you are, but after more than two years of fighting, of piloting the gundams, and getting shifted through all the forces… people knew our faces almost as well as they knew the faces of the other major powers in this war.

Getting inside was easy, just like I thought. We put down a couple of guards (or rather, Wu Fei put them down for us) and slipped inside. Things were quiet, for once. I expect they didn't think many people knew about this, maybe they even thought that only the people attending knew about the meeting at all. They sure had picked a secluded enough spot. One of the old manors from some rich minister or another- hell if I can remember, it wasn't important in the least. The manor backed right up to the ocean, an absolutely breathtaking view to the west, when the sun set. The problem, I have begun to suspect, is that the manor was also built atop a cliff that has up-taken the bad habit of eroding into the sheer drop of ocean beneath. Huge chunks of the cliff have obviously slid down, disappearing into the water over the years, and it's really creeping up on the manor itself. I don't expect it'll be a full building for much longer, which would explain the absence of the original owners.

So we positioned ourselves just fine. I even spotted Heero, standing front row as calm as ever, waiting for the key players to show themselves. Waiting never was my forte, but it's times like that that make it even harder. Sitting there, waiting to cap some official looking person between the eyes, knowing that there's more of a chance you're gonna end up in the same situation as the person you just put down than there is a chance of actually escaping. Luckily for me, it wasn't long before they paraded themselves to the front, right up on the stage with the lights probably blinding them, and every eye in the place upon them. Eight of them. Five of us. Heero, Trowa, and Wu Fei were responsible for getting out two shots before they tried to disappear into the crowd. It should have been me, but even I have to admit… they are better shots. Don't tell them I said that.

Five minutes into the first of the speeches was when I knew something had gone wrong. I didn't have to hear the message-boy who ran across the stage to talk to the speaker- I knew what he was saying. Four shots rang out and as four of the people onstage dropped, blood spattering across the floor and chairs, I realized one of the shots was from my own gun. So I wasn't the only one to figure it out. Panic was spreading as two more shots rang out. Tuberov was the last man standing when I realized one of the three responsible for a double shot had been found. I turned my gun on Tuberov in time to hear a final shot before a flurry of gunshots drowned out everything else. The guards had seen Heero.

I'm not much for sticking around when things get sticky. In fact, that's one of my least favorite activities, but this… This was Heero. Leaping off the second story balcony didn't seem like such a big deal, especially since we jump down from our gundams all the time. Hitting the floor was another story all together as my shins felt like they were going to explode. People scattered from where I landed, and I heard shouting over the gunfire. My ears were adjusting. Heero returned fire and disappeared, only to appear next to me, dragging me with him. The corridors were blocked off and we were met with gunfire.

This is when I realized how badly we were in it. Originally, this hadn't been meant as a trap, that much I was sure. Most of the people onstage had not been expendable just to catch us, especially with our reputations. They had been alerted that we would show, though, and that was where things got messed up. The only thing I really couldn't figure out was HOW they knew. Quatre and I hadn't told anyone, not even Relena when she had asked, and we KNEW it had hurt her that we couldn't even tell her. Heero doesn't know many people to tell, Trowa wouldn't have told anyone, and Wu Fei isn't around people enough to tell anyone. The doctors would have told each other and us, or rather, Trowa. Where in this equation is there room for someone else to know, please, tell me?

They had let us in, that much was clear. They wanted us inside. They were not, however, going to let us out, at least not alive. Heero and I vaulted to the stage and dashed behind it. We were met with more gunfire, but we didn't have time to get around the thick curtain. Wu Fei dropped from the catwalk above us and the three of us effectively put an end to the gunfire. Quatre and Trowa were still unaccounted for, which made all of us nervous. We booked it to the nearest exit and ended up in a corridor that was unguarded. There were no people, in fact. From the looks of it they wanted us in that room, and didn't expect we'd make it out. I hadn't even expected to make it out through that. Needless to say, we ran like there was no tomorrow- because lets face it… if we didn't make it out, there really wouldn't be a tomorrow.

Honestly, I am telling you, it took days to get to the outer edge of the manor, to where we could escape to the outside; an eternity, a lifetime… a few minutes of reality, I am sure, but desperation tends to warp a person's sense of time. Quatre popped out of a doorway and dragged Heero into a smaller room. They struggled briefly before Heero discovered they were on the same side, something I teased him about until we heard guards running up the stairs. Trowa was busting the window out- obviously he'd been rescued, though it was clear it had not been without mishap. There was a long gash down the side of his face and the blood dripping from it was staining his shoulder. Not that it was noticeable, as the bullet wound was doing a fairly good job of ruining the garment all on its own. Why was I thinking about Trowa's stained shirt? I can't honestly say. The things you notice when you're running for your life…

The guards had reached our floor and were banging open doors at the ends of the corridor. Quatre climbed onto the windowsill and leapt, closing his eyes. Four stories up was going to be a filthy amount of pain upon impact, but all of us could make it. Wu Fei and Heero leapt next as I kept watch at the door, Trowa told me to hurry up as he climbed up and jumped. I ducked backwards and leapt onto the windowsill as the searchers reached our room. My wild leap out the opening was hotly followed by numerous rounds of gunfire. Hitting the ground from the fourth floor was so much more painful than hitting the ground from two stories, but I didn't have time to reflect on this new level of pinching pain as I scrambled to reach my comrades. They had reached the cliff, the one overlooking the ocean.

Someone, I can't recall who it was, shouted that we were going to have to jump, or we'd never make it. Looking down it didn't really look like we'd make it anyhow. The clean, blue ocean seemed a straight drop down into frigid water. There was nothing for miles, and with autumn upon us… We'd never make it far before freezing to death. Still, they were closing in behind us, shouting and firing, dropping ropes from the broken window, and we all knew that we wouldn't live very long anyhow if we continued standing still. We always stood the chance of getting captured, although I can't say the thought was much more comforting. It was such a long, long jump, and the water didn't look very inviting, but the idea of spending another month in the care of those people, or worse the rest of eternity dead seemed like a worse option than the water any day.

In the end, I made a decision for everyone. I could hear my own voice telling them 'Now or never!' but it sounded so far away. Before any of them could stop me I had closed my eyes and taken a flying leap off the cliff. It was great, the feeling of the wind against my face as I split through the sky in a downward dive. I was lost to the sensation of the moment, which may have been why I was so startled to hear Heero screaming after me.

"DUO, THE ROCKS!"

Oh. Remember how I told you that the estate was slowly eroding into the ocean? I think I must have forgotten. My eyes shot open as I hit the water and the world went from blinding white to black in an instant.

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/**End Chapter One, Through the Storm**/

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	2. Chapter Two

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/_**There is no sacrifice**_

_**It's a do-or-die situation**_

_**We will be invincible**_/

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**Chapter Two**

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I awoke to a world of pain. Bright, shimmering, yellowed light seared through even my closed eye-lids, breaking into the world of darkness I had been so comfortably wrapped in. If someone, at that moment in time, had told me that light was now a solid object, that light had been crafted into little tiny daggers and spears to be used solely for the sake of stabbing into my eyes, into my skull, I would have believed them with every fiber of my being. Well… every fiber of my being that wasn't currently too absorbed with the pain of being alive, that is. Of course light and pain weren't the two biggest issues at that point… it was all about the water.

I must have been out for only a few seconds, in real, actual time. Honestly, that had to be the best way that dive could have possibly gone at that point. I didn't have to be awake when I hit the stony graveyard that lay beneath the waves. Someone out there must have been watching out for me that day, because the closest of the rocks was a small tower that peaked about twenty-five feet from the surface of the water. Unfortunately… my luck would have me glancing off the side of it, or at least, that's what I supposed had happened. I could tell there was more than one part of me broken, yet I wasn't near the bottom, near the rest of the rock bed. Ten feet shallower and I wouldn't be with this world today at all.

My eyes were burning in the salty water, refusing to open more than a tiny crack as I kicked my way toward where I imagined 'up' to be. My entire being felt like it was on fire, despite the frigid temperature of the water around me. Burning enveloped me, spreading in waves from the wounds on my back. Movement, every kick and pull and desperate action I had made moved the saltwater around me, washing it over the newly opened lacerations. It stung like a bitch and there was nothing I could do about it. Not one thing but keep swimming, keep moving, keep renewing that pain. Because stopping… stopping would be so much worse.

Imagine diving off the high-boards, like they used to in the old-day Olympics, and hitting the water with your eyes open. Now imagine that the water wasn't pool-water, it was salt-water, and the diving well was far too shallow. That's kinda where I was at, just then… and things hadn't looked like they were going to be improving much.

The others were in the water with me, and my first thought was to wonder why they had all jumped in as well, if they knew about the rocks. Strong hands grabbed my arms and hauled me the rest of the way to the surface, where I discovered, all over again, what breathing was all about. What a fantastic ability, breathing. Everyone takes it for granted, but just wait until it's no longer an option, then see if you miss it or not. Every gulp of air was like acid through my lungs, tearing roughly in and out as the black spots faded from my vision and my blood was reintroduced to the taste of oxygen.

My advice, in case you ever want to take it, is never, EVER underestimate the power of sound. As soon as I was above the water I could hear guns firing, people shouting, and the sheer volume of the waves rolling and crashing into the cliff side was deafening. Where on EARTH everything had learned how to be so incredibly, unbearably loud is a mystery to me, even to this day. I remember thinking for sure that if my injuries didn't kill me, all that NOISE would! I clamped my hands over my ears, which effectively stopped me from treading water. I didn't sink, as Heero still had me by the arm, dragging me through the water. He was shouting and shouting, and the others were all shouting back, and there were people above us shouting at each other, and shouting at us, and it was as if every time someone said something, everything else got louder, and my head was pounding as if someone were taking a sledgehammer to it- and then… it was quiet. Like the entire world had shut off.

I had been dragged underwater again, the rush of the ocean around me the only sound. The bastard dragged me underwater without warning, without giving me the time to take a breath. I suppose some of the shouting could have contained the order to take a breath, but honestly, does it seem like I was paying attention? We weren't underwater long, mercifully. God, my shoulder hurt as he hauled me along behind him. I barely had the strength or sense to kick with him. My eyes still wouldn't open, my lungs were burning with the need to breathe, and my entire body was stinging with gut-wrenching amounts of fiery pain. There was no way, no fuckin' way, that day could have gotten worse.

At least… that's what I thought at the time.

Roughly an eternity later, we surfaced in a small cave. It wasn't much, really; hardly enough to hold three people on the ledge at the side. The entrance can't have been more than ten feet underwater. Ten feet underwater, however, when you haven't taken a breath, and can't open your eyes, can seem like a very, very long way. I can remember half-scrabbling, half-being-pulled onto the small ledge next to Heero. I couldn't see anything, not one damn thing; it was absolutely pitch-black. I could hear Heero feeling along the wall, could feel the change in the air when he stepped in front of what had to be an opening, blocking the air-flow. So there was a way out.

Two gasping breaths, quickly followed by a third, signaled the arrival of the other three boys in our small group. At least, I desperately hoped it was the others in our group. Was I the only one who hadn't been notified of our escape route? A small form scrabbled onto the ledge next to me, and I felt someone's arms brush against my leg as they clung to the edge. Small fingers touched the sticky flesh on my injured shoulder as I heard Quatre ask me if I was okay. I shrugged him off, even though the pain lancing through my shoulder was certainly, most definitely, not worth it. Blood ran thickly down my back, painfully warm against the cold skin. That was going to take a lot of repair, something I wasn't looking forward to, either.

I hadn't meant to be rude like that, not to Quatre. I knew, even then, that he had to have been feeling almost as much pain as I was. Although I couldn't actually see worth shit in the darkened cave… My mind created a crystal clear image of the small blonde boy sitting next to me, his face scrunched a tiny bit in that worried expression he wore when no one would tell him what was wrong. I could imagine his hand, hovering just above his heart as it beat painfully in his chest, informing him of my own pain. It wasn't that I was angry that he cared, wasn't that I didn't want, or need, to take care of the wounds… It just hurt, and I didn't need him poking fingers into it, making it hurt even more.

We didn't have time to stay and chat; we had to get out of there. Following a very small tunnel in a slanted, upward spiral, we finally reached the surface. It must have taken hours, but that, at least, was worth the time. We were outside the grounds of the manor, we had gone far enough that they wouldn't find us. We had effectively evaded capture, we were really escaping, lives intact. In the distance I could hear the OZ personnel, faintly, as they searched the grounds over for us. Mobile suits were hovering over the water, and I knew they would have Cancer suits scrounging along the bottom for signs of our bodies. The waves had not been as gentle as they had looked from the top of the cliff. Looking back… I'm sure we shouldn't have survived the drop.

The gundams were untouched when we got back to them. The cool metal of Deathscythe under my fingertips was very, very reassuring. Against all odds we had indeed made it out of the manor. At least back to our gundams, our treasured companions since the beginning of this god-awful war. My vision was blurring and I could still feel blood, albeit mostly congealed by this point, trickling from the open wounds over most of my back and shoulder. Not to mention that the part of myself that found situations like this amusing was telling me it could feel salt, gritty, burning salt, drying into the open flesh. I think I may have spared the fact half a thought before I was behind the control panels of Deathscythe, the deadly, raw POWER of the gundam in my hands. Exactly where it belonged.

Having power in your hands, however, and having the ability to use it… are two entirely different things. The gundam could operate on its own, if it were given directions beforehand, instructions on how to do what it was supposed to do. I think I had enough energy left to punch in a return point for the navigation system, enough forethought to radio through to Heero, and enough breath left for one last sentence. It was just as his face clicked into the video view-screen when I realized I had about three seconds worth of consciousness available for use.

Now… I may not remember exactly, but I believe I used them to tell Heero, in a most serious manner, 'Chase a goose!' before I slumped over the control board and let the darkness claim me once again.

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/**End Chapter Two, Through the Storm**/

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	3. Chapter Three

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/_**Confusion never stops**_

_**Closing walls and ticking clocks**_

_**Gonna**__**come back and take you home**_

_**I could not stop that you now know**_/

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**Chapter Three**

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A part of me had become used to thinking that we had grown, that we had come so far from where we started that there was no turning back. I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. At least that is what I tell myself now, heart pounding in fear, mind racing. I know it is not true, that there wasn't a way for me to have known this would happen. There were no signs, no indication that things would take this turn… But that tiny part of me in the back of my head, the one that had become accustomed to thinking we were all invincible, immortal, superhuman… was holding me solely accountable for not having the foresight to predict this.

I apologize, I am starting from the end.

It seems so long ago that we had all taken a flying leap off of the cliff after Duo, plunging into the piercingly cold ocean below. We had been stuck between a rock and a hard place and he was the only one who had the sense to make a decision… and he chose the hungry waters instead of the angry gunfire behind us. I had shouted too late, only hoping that he would be able to avoid the rocks. He did not get off badly, at least in the match against the rocks… He does not blame me, I know, but… I blame me. How can I not? He opened his eyes because he heard me scream after him.

It was the best I could do to try and keep him above water, to drag him to our last-ditch-effort of an escape route. Running back to the gundams was not as much of a relief as it should have been. He was soaked in more blood than water, all of it oozing from the wounds covering his back. The material was shredded, exposing bare flesh to the chill air. I have often wondered if he even felt anything, the way he bolted to Deathscythe and scrambled into the cockpit… Like his life depended on it. Honestly… his life probably _had_ depended upon it. He radioed me in time for me to hear a crackled sentence that sounded remarkably like 'chase a goose' before he slumped over the controls. Despite my shouts he remained where he was, and Deathscythe had risen, taking to the skies of its own accord.

Zero and I had a time of it, keeping up with Duo's gundam. I had not been entirely sure where he had programmed it to touch base, or if he had even programmed a destination at all. It would have been our luck if he had forgotten to give it directions. Eventually, though, it did land, gently, outside the hanger Noin had been running for a while. The hatch opened and he all but fell out. I don't remember how I managed to get over to him, but, before it had even registered, I had reached his side. Whatever small amount of consciousness he had still possessed was lost as I attempted to get him to his feet, get him inside. I had been shaking too badly to even try to lift him. With enough volume to raise the dead, I had called and called for help, supporting Duo's dead weight precariously with my own trembling body.

People had swarmed all over us, sweeping Duo away and hurriedly moving the gundams indoors. The place was insanely abuzz with life, especially for the hour, and I remember having an odd feeling that I was forgetting something, though what that might have been I could not have told you. I wish I had given it more thought, but Duo was the only thing on my mind by this point in time. I am sure you can imagine how hard it is to pry yourself away from all the people wanting to know every detail while all that you are worried about knowing is if your best friend is going to live or die.

Quite honestly I knew he wouldn't die, but it is times like that where you just cannot keep that thought at bay. My rational side knew we were not invincible, but there was (and I suppose still is) a part of me that refuses to believe that we can die. We knew our limits, we tried to keep from pushing them too far, from snapping, stepping over that line… Sadly the way we lived had erased that line between safety and danger… and because of that disregard… we knew no fear on the battlefield.

However, this wasn't the battlefield, and there was no peace of mind.

It was hours before I could get inside, to where he was, to where someone could tell me what the hell was going on, what I was going to have to deal with. I was being ignored though, and I knew it, they knew it, everyone fucking knew it and no one would do anything about it. I cannot even tell you how long I sat in that uncomfortable little chair, the light above me buzzing incessantly, people walking to and from the ends of the hallway. Ignoring me. Ignoring the fact that my best friend was inside a room somewhere in this very building, maybe even dying in that same somewhere… And maybe it wasn't the fact that I was being ignored, or the fact that the light would not stop buzzing, or even the fact that my best friend might be dying that had bothered me to the point of frustration… Maybe it was the fact that there was not one fucking thing I could have done about it. I couldn't save him this time; his fate was no longer up to me.

I know I don't generally come off as the emotional type. I have been called heartless, cold, distant, a perfect solider because of a lack of emotion. Somehow, somewhere along the way though, it got all garbled, everything got messed up. Too messed up. Because in reality… in reality all I've ever been able to do is act upon my emotions. I have told Trowa many times over, that living like that, acting upon one's emotions is the right thing to do. I'm sure he believes me, at least now, after what happened between Catherine and him. Following emotion is a fine thing to do, you just have to be following the right one. Right then, sitting in that chair and watching the seconds click by slower than frozen molasses… I would have given anything to simplify my emotions down to one, single, followable emotion.

I was spared the effort of defining an emotion on my own, however. The doctors had been able to patch up the wounds caused by the rocks. He had been given blood and was sleeping just fine. One would think that this would be the point where I could sit back, take a breath, convince myself that everything would be all right, that we would make it through all of this almost entirely unscathed.

Fate, as I discovered, is never that polite, especially to any of the gundam pilots. She could not have let us have that game- she had to get in one last, cruel jab.

Thirty hours, unless we turned them off. In thinking about Duo, worrying about his life, fearing that he could die, I had completely and entirely forgotten to switch off the self-destruct in Wing Zero. Just as, I am assuming, Duo had failed to turn off his. The twin explosions rocked the base down to its very foundations. Before the first shock-wave had even truly hit us, I had known Duo was going to be an angry wreck when he awoke.

It was not until much later that we discovered the gundams might be the least of our losses that day…

* * *

/**End Chapter Three, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	4. Chapter Four

* * *

/_**Yes, I'm grounded**_

_**Got my wings clipped**_

_**I'm surrounded by**_

_**All this pavement**_/

* * *

**Chapter Four**

* * *

It wasn't as soon as I opened my eyes that I knew I was going to be having problems. In fact, aside from a headache… I was feeling as good as one can expect to feel after all I'd just been through. Tingles raced up and down my spine every time I moved, but that was the only sensation I was capable of feeling in that department. I only knew I had bandages wrapped all over most of my upper body because I could feel them against my chest. It's really strange to be able to feel just half of all that gauze, especially when I knew it went all the way around. It was as if the wrappings faded into non-existence beneath my arms… as if I faded into non-existence beneath my arms, because I don't recall actually being aware of having a back at all. It was, quite honestly, even freakier than actually being able to feel the injuries I'd managed to acquire. Definitely less painful, though, so I won't complain.

Sitting quietly across the room, in one of the coffee-stained, ratty-looking, under-stuffed hospital chairs… was Heero. I don't know how long he had been sitting there- it's never occurred to me to ask. He just was, and it was just what I needed to see; a friendly face- or at least, a familiar one. It was hard to focus on him, however, with that pounding headache. So I lay back, closing my eyes, and we sat in silence for a moment, simply letting things exist around us. He didn't ask questions, he didn't pry, he didn't even move; As I've said, it's like an unwritten rule. Everyone knows I can't stay quiet for too long, anyways, so it wasn't as if he had waited longer than he could handle.

"The others make it?" I had asked quietly.

Although the noise made my head throb horribly, I needed information that I wasn't going to get by staying silent. I swallowed hard against the pinching pain centered behind my eyes, and opened them, looking over to Heero. He leaned back in his chair, face as stony as ever. While I knew he felt a large amount of emotion, I was always falsely led to believing that he had none. The way he looked at everything, and everyone, regardless of what they were to him. It was as if he cared for nothing, as if whether someone lived or died mattered not to him, never to him. I tried not to let it get to me, but I can't say that, at the time, it hadn't disheartened me, just a tiny bit.

"Yeah." He nodded slowly, watching me as if I were going to break. I hate when people look at me like that, it makes my skin crawl, makes me want to shake them. "Quatre called about twenty minutes ago. You've been out for a few hours now. They've been worried."

That was definitely something that brought a smile to my lips. When Heero said 'they' in such a way that he wanted you to think he meant the doctors, or the other pilots, or anyone else, really… but what he truly meant, was that he'd been biting his fingernails to the bone, worrying about what was going to happen. Not that he'd ever, in a million years, admit to it, oh no. Wouldn't be caught dead showing that much blatant sensitivity in public. I couldn't keep the smile off my face, though, despite that his way of saying he cared was a little backwards.

"What's… the news?" I needed to know what the repercussions of our mission (with or without being botched) had been. The question wasn't in what I had said, so much as in all the unspoken words I had let drift in the air of that cramped, sterile hospital room. He knew what I was asking, almost as well as if I had actually spoken aloud.

"We weren't the only one's trying to eliminate the targets." He growled, obviously upset that there was nothing he could have done about the situation.

So it hadn't been our mistake. Someone else had been there, someone else had gotten caught, and we just happened to be caught in the crossfire. Of course they would have looked for us upon learning someone was inside the manor, planning to assassinate people- we would have been easy to spot once they were looking. We had been fucking scapegoats for someone else's mistake. I didn't, and still don't, know whose fault it was, but I was very, very glad that it wasn't any of our own that had gotten everything wrong. Now, though, I think it's best that those people were nameless, faceless, unknown to me, and remain peacefully so. Because I would have hated to have to hunt them down and kill them for fucking up like that.

"Cease fire has been called." His voice drew me from fuming against unknown sources. "Negotiations should start in a few days."

I closed my eyes, a smile stealing across my lips, momentary anger pushed to the back of my mind, but far from forgotten. So, botched mission and all, we had still done it. We had forced the sides to buckle, to cease fire and negotiate. I had no doubts that Relena was having a ball with all the talking that would start- Not that I didn't get an earful the next time I spoke with her; Although, I know I got off easier than Heero did- he swears to all that is holy that his ears were bleeding by the time she was done with him. I think she's so good at negotiations because she just doesn't give anyone else a chance to speak, and she doesn't stop talking until you've agreed with everything she says. Negotiations aren't really negotiations when you're around her- they're "you'll-do-what-I-say"'s.

All that was left, it would seem, would be to put down anyone who tried to continue a dead war. You didn't think the war would be over that easily, did you? Some people wouldn't believe their nations were doing what was right, would rise up and try to fight for their cause. When they discovered that there was no one to back them, though, and that the gundams were still around, protecting this newfound chance at peace, they would stop. That's why I couldn't just lay there, quietly musing about everything that had happened. I still had a purpose, I could still fight. I could feel my spirit lift at the thought of returning to my gundam, returning to the world I knew, escaping this stuffy little room to feel alive again. Forget the past, right? It was past, and I was fully ready to get on with the present.

"Duo… what now? Without a war…"

I couldn't help but laugh as my thoughts flickered back to the moment. Oh, I know that it wasn't the right thing to do, to laugh like that. He had been entirely serious about wondering what we were going to do, now that we were so close to being unnecessary. What skill did we have, aside from piloting our gundams, running for our lives, killing people? Quatre would be well enough, going back to running what was left of his father's business. I'm sure they could rebuild it. Trowa had the circus, with his sister, Catherine, and the friends that he had made there. Wu Fei could always fall back to teaching martial arts to people, maybe running a dojo. Heero and me? Heero was raised to be a soldier, and I was a street-rat. We had nothing. Knowing all of that, it was still impossible not to laugh at that cute, helpless look that briefly visited his features.

"We'll help 'em put out the fires." I said easily, "We can take our gundams as soon as you can get me out of here, and we'll meet up with the others and-"

"No. We won't be doing any more fighting."

I am sure I protested, at first. I can clearly recall trying to get out of the hospital bed while insisting that we were, too, going to help them out, all the while desperately ignoring that the world was swirling violently around me, blurring past the point of recognition. Just as clearly I can recall Heero practically leaping out of his seat, pressing my shoulder back down, applying just the right pressure so that I could feel sharp pain lance through my muscles if I tried to resist him; the painkillers must have been wearing off. Fuck that, because he knows all too well that pain isn't something that stops a gundam pilot. I was bound and determined to make it out of that room, and back to Deathscythe. Fuck him if he thought he was going to stop me that easily.

He just kept telling me that the others had it under control, that everything was all right, that I needed to 'relax'. Relax?! The nerve! Why was he being like that, didn't he want to get back out there as soon as possible? Our friends were going to need us, we could still fight, even if it was only for a short while. I just didn't understand

If someone had walked into the room at that moment, they would have been faced with quite the sight. I was making progress, having halfway tumbled out of the bed, scrabbling at the sheets, the mattress, the bars, ANYTHING, as I tried to push away from it, prying his hands off my shoulders every time he regained his hold. It must honestly have looked like a pair of rabid dogs having at it, what with all the cursing and snarling that filled the room in the struggle. I was practically throwing a temper tantrum, and I knew it, and I didn't care one bit- I needed out of that room, out of that building, and I didn't care HOW I got out, just so long as I DID.

I can almost pinpoint the exact second he gave up letting me have my way, and let me know we were going to be doing this his way. His hands were gone from my collarbone, and I all but fell off the bed, only just managing to keep my balance, arms wheeling, room spinning around me. I was free, if only for a second, before his hand gripped my arm roughly, tightly. I couldn't have wriggled free if I'd wanted to, though that didn't stop me from trying to wrest my arm away as I strained to get to the doorway, cursing Heero, his dog (whether he had one or not didn't seem to matter right then), his mother (though he didn't even know her), and everyone else he had ever known for not releasing me immediately. I'm proud to say I dragged him a good two feet before he did the unexpected, the unimaginable.

He hit me.

Not just a slap across the face, or a punch to the gut, or anything like that, oh no. The bastard put his strength to landing one right in the middle of the worst of my injuries. Pain flamed over my entire body as I dropped to my knees, his hand releasing its grip on my arm, finally. I couldn't even breathe it hurt so badly; so maybe pain can stop a gundam pilot. My world consisted purely of fiery death for the next few moments as wave after wave of throbbing, stabbing, searing pain washed over me. Dying certainly would have hurt less. I fell weakly to my side, curled up in a semi-fetal position, tears stinging at my eyes as I kept myself from crying out, my mind fogging over.

What the hell was his problem, anyway? I could hear him talking, probably something about not trying that again. Self-righteous, arrogant, heartless bastard, ordering me around, I'm sure. I couldn't really hear through the blood rushing past my ears. As if I even cared what he thought at that point, thoughts of bloody murder racing through my brain as I took a few deep breaths, willing the pain to subside enough to form coherent words. I'd almost reached that point, too, when Heero finally spoke again.

"Our gundams are gone, Duo. We failed to switch off the self-destruct." Ice crept over my heart, freezing everything. How could he be so… so… Didn't he care at all?!

My ragged breath caught on the lump that had risen to my throat as I gave a choked, strangled outcry; The sort of noise that reveals a hurt that goes well past physical reality. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything except the first time… when I had watched Deathscythe's broken, tattered shell disappear in a fiery blaze… when the resounding explosions had been broadcast all over the Earth-sphere… and there had been nowhere to escape the image of my other half, ruthlessly destroyed before my very eyes. Because truthfully, Deathscythe had been the other side of my soul. This time… it was just as much of a loss, if not a greater one. This time, sitting in the hospital bed, I hadn't had to watch Deathscythe get destroyed… but it was my fault, my own negligence that had brought about the demise of my most trusted companion. I knew nothing but numb shock as my mind struggled to collect itself.

Collect itself it did, and 'angry' doesn't even begin to cover how furious I was. Have you ever seen those TV shows where the guys get all fired up about something, and little rocks and junk start flying all around, and their power just creates a whirlwind of little bits of things floating and zipping all over? I fully expected all the little objects in the room to pick up this habit, and the fact that they didn't, only seemed to fuel my anger further. Everything, and I mean every last thing, around me should have been just as furious and hurt as I was at that moment; And everything, every last thing, was as calm as stone.

I can't help but laugh, just a tiny bit, as I think back to the next few minutes. All that screaming and shouting and cursing had brought quite a few nurses, and a couple of doctors as well, running to the room, most of them looking very hassled and curious. There we were, Heero leaning passively against the hospital bed watching me as I lay on the floor, trembling with indignant, unmatched fury. I can't imagine what they must have been thinking, but they were wise enough to remain silent until Heero made a move. Half of them jumped when he used his hip to push himself away from the bed, arms unfolding as he stepped quietly over to me. Stopping just short of my head, he looked down and I could feel him watching me as I lay there, roping my anger into coping with my still smarting back. I didn't move, didn't meet his eyes. While I was pissed as all hell that he had done that, hit me like that, what could I do? Punch his shins? Roll onto his foot? Bleed on him?

"Get up."

Get up?! I don't know what the hell he was thinking. "If I get up, I'm leaving."

"You are going to get back into that cot if I have to put you there myself. On. Your. Feet." He growled.

Ohhhh, was I ever sore at him. None of the nurses or doctors had moved, standing stock-still in the doorway, half of them ready to bolt if either of us showed so much as a passing interest in coming near them. I lay sullenly on the floor, refusing to get to my feet. I probably could have stood, had I needed to, but I just didn't feel the need to listen to anything he said. I had wanted someone to blame, and Heero was providing a perfect target for my anger.

"It's your fault." I snarled around the lump in my throat. "You should've… should've…" There were a million things he should have, and my tongue could not settle on just one of them. Why hadn't he turned off the self-destruct?!

With a sigh he crouched beside me, one hand touching the cold tile, the other laying gently on my shoulder as he looked me over once more. "I should have, you're right."

I was torn upon hearing his voice; It sounded so much like my own, angry, weary, hurt, alone. I wanted to be angry with him, I wanted to scream and shout and tear things apart into little, itty-bitty pieces. I wanted to throw a fit the likes of which has never been seen before and likely would never been seen again. On the other hand I just wanted to curl up, break down, and start sobbing. Cling onto my best friend and wish away the world until there wasn't anything left to feel sad over. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to accomplish either side of the spectrum. I simply lay there, shaking from the double onslaught of grief and rage.

"Then why-"

"Can you blame me?" He cut me off, then, and I felt a flare of anger. Of course I could blame him. Wasn't I doing just that? "Can you blame me," He whispered quietly, "for worrying more about you than about our gundams? Wing is gone, too, you know."

My anger seemed to drain away as he spoke, the tension in my muscles smoothing out, my body relaxing, finally. Yes, I knew. Everything boiled down to mere frustration, helplessness at the entire situation. My head was pounding, my vision was blurry, and I couldn't seem to focus on Heero's form for longer than a second. I knew he was waiting for me to react, to do something, explode or accept the situation. I let out a harsh breath that struggled somewhere between laughing and crying, the sort of noise that one makes when they finally just break. I hated that noise. Turning my head just slightly I caught Heero's eyes with my own and offered him a knowingly pathetic look.

"I want some ice cream…" I croaked as I rolled into a sitting position. This brought a smile to both our faces, however small. I was admitting that I would be all right, for the moment.

The people gathered in the doorway seemed to relax as I let Heero help me to my feet again. I shrugged off his hands as I clambered onto the hospital bed. I heard someone ask something in a quiet, squeaky voice, though I don't recall being able to understand what had been asked. They were clearing away from the doorway when Heero asked someone to get some painkillers for me. The call echoed from voice to voice, down the hallway as they disappeared, leaving us alone again.

"Sorry about the, ah…" Heero had said, flicking his hand to indicate where he had hit me. "About hitting you and-"

"You do what you have to." I said, voice rough. GOD, could this day GET worse?! Although I couldn't blame Heero for the destruction of our gundams, his presence in the room was still irritating. The sudden need to be alone was suffocating me, and the return of one of the doctors didn't help matters in the least. My vision was foggy as I glared at the intruder, wishing everyone would just go away. The world existed to annoy me, I'm sure of it.

It was around this time when I finally realized that there was something seriously wrong. Well, a part of me realized it, and the rest of me vehemently denied it. Gundam pilots were invincible, indestructible- but could we be damaged? Heero was growling something at the doctor, who was looking a bit helplessly scared and kept indicating a clipboard at the end of my bed. A conflict of drugs, maybe? I wasn't allergic to anything that I could think of. My voice spoke before I even had a chance to register that I had made up my mind. I had voiced my opinion that there may have been something wrong with me. That seemed to catch both of their attentions, seeing as they turned, just slightly.

It left me wondering why on earth I had just done that. The doctor pressed a glass of water into my hand, dropping several pills into the other. He insisted that I take them and then try and explain the problem. I quickly swallowed them, making a face as I felt the pills drag down my throat. I hate swallowing pills with a passion that burns in the deepest fiery pits of Hell. Silence reigned as they waited for me to speak.

I finally let out a small sigh and gave in, explaining what was on my mind. It had to be made real, because I knew I was going to have to start accepting it soon. I told the doctor that my head hurt, that my eyes wouldn't focus. I could feel a sharp pain just behind them when I tried to focus- I had been trying for some time now. It wasn't improving, either. I tried to blame it on the saltwater, I tried to blame it on the tears shed for my gundam, I tried to blame it on the drugs, whatever it was that they had given me, to numb the pain I should have been acutely feeling… But in the end, there was only one thing to blame. One reason, one result, one problem.

Piloting several tons of deadly machinery… was in my contract.

Getting caught and having the shit beat out of me was in my contract.

Skinning knees, scraping elbows, having giant chunks of flesh torn out of my back… were all a part of my contract.

Fuck, DYING was a part of my contract!

This, however, was definitely never in my contract, never a part of the deal.

"It sounds like you may have pinched a nerve when you hit the water, Mr. Maxwell. I'm afraid you may be going blind…"

Well, fuck.

* * *

/**End Chapter Four, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	5. Chapter Five

* * *

/_**Take these broken wings  
I'm going to take these broken wings  
And learn to fly  
And learn to fly away**_/

* * *

**Chapter Five**

* * *

"And by 'blind' you mean… I won't be able to see very well, right?"

"I mean, Mr. Maxwell, that you won't be able to see, at all."

"You don't seem to be understanding the situation, Doc. I can see. It's just blurry, that's all. I'm not blind."

The conversation could have been eternal. We could have been existing in that room for all eternity, for all the sense of reality those next few moments had. I'm sure you can understand the difficulty I was having, accepting the situation, when I could still see almost fine. Yes, the world was a bit blurry, but that really could have been anything, and since when does 'blurry' translate to 'blind'? The doctor was clearly insane, a fact Heero's stunned face surely confirmed. Was I not the only one in this room that thought the doctor was completely off his rocker?

He only sighed, a mixture of irritation and patronizing tones. "I'm aware that your vision is only slightly blurry at the moment. We're going to have to run a few tests to be sure, but considering your recent actions, and what you have described to me, I can tell you that you will more than likely be losing your vision within the next day or two. It's happened several times in my long career."

"It can be fixed, right? It can be un-done. There's a way to stop it, isn't there?"

One would think that with all the medical advances the world had made since the dark ages… this would be one of them. I was not nearly so lucky, however. He tried to explain to me, several times, that there was nothing they could do in this instance. They weren't even going to fucking TRY. Maybe that's what got me most, of all the possible ways to handle the situation they were opting to do nothing. NOTHING.

It seemed to take forever to convince the doctor to leave- I think he eventually decided it would be a good idea when I started throwing things… I knew he was only leaving to fetch another doctor, and that we might only have a short while before he returned. I scrambled out of the hospital bed and was halfway to my drying clothes before Heero was able to reach me, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around to face him. I could feel the bones in my wrist grate together, testimony to how angry he was with me, though his face remained calm. He growled at me as I started dutifully trying to pry his fingers loose, to save my poor wrist.

"Where do you think you are going?"

I'd like to say I'm a rational person, but I'd hate to lie to you. I couldn't take it, just sitting in the hospital room, waiting to be told what was wrong with me. Right then… It didn't matter if I was going to actually go blind or not- I wasn't yet. If I only had a day or two of sight left, I wanted to use it, I wanted to get out and gather as many images as my terrified mind could hold. If I was going to be keeping my sight then a day or two out on the town wasn't going to make a difference. Either way I could come back in two days and they could check me then. I desperately did not want to stay here, piddling away what might be my last hours of sight. I had to get out, and when I voiced my opinion on this to Heero… I could tell he was torn between helping me escape and making me stay.

Something in him broke, gave in, because he released my wrist and sighed wearily. "They aren't going to just let you walk out of here."

I really failed at containing my laughter as he finished. "Heero, I don't think I could just walk out of here." My muscles were quivering as though I had run a three-day marathon as they recovered from the painful shock they had gotten.

I'm a strong person, it's just in my blood. I was built to rule the streets, to outrun and outmatch anyone I came across. With the training I've been through, I could withstand a lot of pain, could handle any situation I got myself into, survive basically anywhere that I wanted. I knew I could do so much more than most other people out there. Maybe more than anyone save the other four pilots… But I was still Duo. I was still human. Everyone has their breaking point, and I had nearly reached mine. I really had hoped that Heero would have a better plan than I could come up with… Because truthfully I was about at that point where jumping out the window and running like hell seemed to be the only escape I was capable of devising. As there were bars over the windows, we were about four or five stories into the air, and the closest civilization aside from this base was MILES away… I left the planning to Heero.

It just so happens, I've discovered, that Heero isn't much better at planning escapes from a guarded base. Getting out of somewhere when you're allowed to shoot down anyone in your way is easy enough- it's all the sneaking around that gets people into trouble! So there we were, hiding down a small dead-end, janitorial hallway around the corner from my own room, where, if the cobwebs and dusty, grimy floor were any indication, no one ever went. We heard when the doctors returned to look for me, because the whole place turned upside down in a matter of minutes. Luckily for our sorry selves, they started a downward search for us, so the floor went deathly silent after a few minutes and we were just going to walk out… But, well, we stopped for supplies.

Hey, at least I could blame my stupidity on the drugs- Heero's never managed to come up with a good excuse.

Seriously, I think we had both just lost it by then, we'd just gone completely and utterly insane. I never thought we were that sloppy getting in and out of the places we infiltrated… but I suppose sloppy doesn't really matter when anything in your way ends up dead in the end. This real-world shit was going to be really tough… Of course, we could have saved ourselves a huge amount of trouble, had we just phoned Noin and asked if we could leave… But how the hell were we supposed to know that? People need to tell us these things before we try escaping on our own. We just made fools of ourselves, like small children, caught with their hand in the cookie-jar.

Getting ahead of myself, I know. It's just so… Anyhow.

We were just finishing pilfering a fair supply of gauze and medical tape when the light filtering in through the doorway was swallowed in shadow. Knowing we'd been caught, we both froze, like deer caught in the headlights of a Mack truck. Heero moved first, pulling his gun from its holster as he turned to face our captor. I turned only a second later, but I couldn't really make out who it was, with the light being so dim. A strangled noise issued from my accomplice and he announced the presence of the other.

"Noin."

I breathed a sigh that bordered on relief and defeat. "Scared the shit out of us."

I could picture her raising one delicate eyebrow as her eyes flickered over to me, then back to Heero. "I knew I'd find you up here, after they couldn't find you in any of the lower levels. Did you two really expect to just waltz out of here, especially after pinching all of that…?"

I gave her what I hoped was a repentant enough smile, whilst stuffing the remaining end of a roll of bandages into my pocket. "Well, not so much waltz out of here…" I began, illustrating with my now-free hands, "As run really fast and try not to trip too often…"

There was a moment of silence as she stared at us, dumbly standing there, knowing we had been caught red handed. I fancy I could hear time itself crawl past as we waited to see what she would do. Finally, she seemed to relax, letting out a laugh that made both of us nearly jump out of our skin. She stepped aside, her boots clicking on the white tiled floor. She waved her hand, motioning for us to pass her and leave.

"Get your asses out of my base. I'll see you in a couple days."

I was up and bolting past her before she even finished her sentence. I was gone so fast I almost didn't hear her stop Heero as he passed, almost missed her hissing 'take care of him or your ass is mine, Yuy.' as she let him go, no doubt smiling pleasantly. She and Heero weren't always on the best of terms, but god I loved that woman sometimes; she just did the most surprising things out of the blue.

Apparently she had expected us to be leaving- when we reached the parking lot, there was already a truck waiting; already RUNNING and waiting. Ironically, it was probably due to her orders that everyone cleared off of the floor we had been on, too. She probably had the whole thing planned, the brat. I told Heero that, seeing as this was all so carefully set up and laid out, we should 'commandeer' a different truck, just to be ornery… but the effort only earned me a glare, and a cuff to the side of my head. Bastard. At any rate, I've decided that if I ever do go on a mission again (unlikely is an understatement, all situations considered) that this was how I wanted them all run; No one in my way, stolen goods in my pocket, and a ready and waiting get-away vehicle, provided by the enemy. Maybe one of those tasty little mints on the driver's wheel… but that may be pushing it.

My mind was racing faster than the car as we flew down the highway. Oddly enough, there weren't a whole lot of people in our way- they were partying, hiding, negotiating, whatever, but they weren't on the roads. The fact caught my attention for a whopping total of three seconds before I started trying to figure out what I was going to do for the day. I wanted to spend time outside, watching the sky, talking to my friends, looking at everything I could still see, just in case. Quite honestly only half of me believed that I would indeed go blind- the other half was in very strict denial, as I could still see almost fine. I thought about all the things I would no longer see, all the things I would like to see before the world went black. How would I find my way around anywhere? It was that question that finally gave me a plan.

"How long will it take to get to the old Sanq Kingdom from here?" I questioned quietly, scrabbling in my pocket for the small cell phone that was always hidden there.

"Four or five hours, I expect." He glanced down at the speedometer and I heard the smile in his voice more than saw it, as I dialed. "Three if we keep up this speed."

"Don't stop for anything." I told him seriously as I put the phone to my ear. "Quatre? It's- Yeah. Listen, how fast can you make it to Relena's? Oh. You're already there? Did- She told you. Help me out, man, we're gonna need a house. You've still got access to my accounts. One story, two bedrooms. Yeah. Hey, Quatre…? Thanks."

The entire war has been spent fighting to survive, and our trust had fallen to others because it had been forced. I trusted them then, not because I had to, but because I could, and it felt good- really good. I knew Quatre and Trowa would be able to find a house that I could easily navigate, before we arrived. The two had already been expecting my call, anticipating something along those lines; Noin had phoned them from the base and explained what was happening. Quatre, I knew, would already have a plan when we arrived, already have everything set for me to spend a day gathering memories. I had hoped everyone would be there, so I could see them one last time. Can't ask for better friends- they don't exist.

The rest of the car ride was horrible. Not that it was a particularly rough ride, or that Heero and I didn't talk about this and that, or even that the scenery left anything to be complained about, no… the trip was spent staring out the window with glazed eyes, fear creeping into ever last part of my being as I thought about what it would mean to lose all of that. All the beautiful colors all around me would be lost to darkness. I would be walking in oblivion every step of the way, and it scared the shit out of me. So I drank it all in while I could, soaked up every bit of color I could possibly see… and as we soared down the highway I rolled the window down, letting the wind brush the tears from my eyes as if they were never there.

Broken wings would not ground me, not today.

* * *

/**End Chapter Five, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	6. Chapter Six

* * *

/_**I know you feel like the walls**_

_**Are closing in on you**_

_**It's hard to find relief**_

_**And people can be so cold**_/

* * *

**Chapter Six**

* * *

I can't say it was the best place in the entire world, but I'd lived in far, far worse conditions. The lack of stairs had pleased me to no end- even the front porch had a winding stone ramp leading up to it, and a wrought iron railing on the side that was closest to the house. Even from the front I could hear the gurgling of the pond, nestled cozily in a corner of the backyard. The front and sides of the house had a garden bed, edged in dusty-grey stones, but there was nothing alive in it. The small lawn was in terrible need of a good watering and most likely a good deal of fertilizer, but it could be salvaged, still. I'm afraid I can't say as much for the insides of the house.

Given, it wasn't a god-awful color that graced the walls, but I can imagine quite a few colors that would have suited better than the yellowing, grey paint. The floors, aside from the bedrooms, were all hardwood and tile, sounding hollow and empty beneath my boots. The larger bedroom, suitably enough, had thick, plush, black carpet, and looked to be the only room beside the kitchen that had been truly lived in. Flakes of paint littered the edges of all the rooms, joining the dust that had settled over everything from months of disuse. Footprints lead from one room to the next, obviously Quatre and Trowa's from when they had explored upon first arrival. The air smelled a bit stale, but that was to be expected. With a bit of time, I was sure we could have the place patched up into a suitable resemblance of a home. Not that it would really matter.

Quatre had apologized profusely, saying it had been the best of the one story buildings he could find on short notice. You have no idea how hard it was to convince him that it was fine, that it wasn't going to matter what it looked like if I couldn't see it. The whole house could have been painted in hot pink and green for all that I cared. That, at least, had managed to elicit a chuckle from the small group gathered in the living room; Quatre, Trowa, Wu Fei, and myself. A motley looking group at best, but the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Things weren't looking nearly as bad as they had only a few hours prior.

By the time we had arrived at Relena's, I had felt marginally better than when we had started out. My vision was by no means improving, and I am sure having gone most of the drive there with my head practically out the window as we zoomed down the highway going 100 miles an hour… probably hadn't helped. Some things you just have to move past, and I didn't have time to linger over insignificant details- I was starting to lose the important details as the blurry edges of the world began to encroach upon the insides of everything I saw, and it terrified me. I had spent the driving time steeling myself- I had never let fear control me before, and I wasn't about to start now.

We had both been warmly welcomed by Relena and Quatre almost as soon as we entered. I hadn't even begun to shrug out of my coat before Quatre had me in a practically unbreakable embrace, burying his nose in my shoulder. A moment had passed before I relaxed, bringing my arms up and returning the hug thankfully. I could feel him shaking, just slightly before he pulled back, letting me go and giving me a grateful, sad smile. I wasn't sure who had needed a hug more- him or me. When he laughed, it was one of those laughs that gave away the fact that he was just as close to tears as I had been, but that he wasn't going to let me know it. I respect that in him, his ability to bare his emotions to people without ever actually doing so. It was an amazing talent I knew I would come to be very, very grateful for.

He had mumbled something about being 'so sorry' before he backed up to talk to Heero, who had been watching with an amused smirk. Relena cut off my view of the two before I had a chance to eavesdrop any further. She wore that same, knowing little smile she had always worn when speaking to me, and I would have been more worried if she had changed it now. She studied me for a moment before she stepped forward, opening her arms and embracing me as well, although thankfully she was much more brief about it than Quatre had been. I really hoped the whole day was not going to go like this, or I was likely to never see anyone's face for long.

She had smiled then, raising an eyebrow at me and giving me a somewhat petulant look, "And here I thought I might get the spotlight for a while, after the war ended and negotiations started."

I chuckled and the last of whatever tension had stood between everyone dissipated as I scratched the back of my head and rolled my eyes. "Yeah 'negotiations' my ass. You'll put them in their place and make them think it was their idea. I couldn't let you have all the fun."

"If sitting in rooms with stuffy old men, discussing god only knows what, listening to them bitch and moan about everything they haven't got, and can't do, is your definition of 'fun', Duo, then by all means, you may have every last bit of 'fun' there is!" She informed me in a very serious tone, although her face was smiling. There was only a moments pause before her smile changed, just slightly, and her tone was just a little sad. "I suppose you're taking him with you, then?"

I didn't need her to tell me who she meant- I knew she was talking about Heero. I had also known she would broach the subject, but I hadn't thought about how I was going to answer a question like that. The five of us pilots, Relena, all of us… we were all we had most of the time. There was an outside world, there were people that saw us, people that helped us, and people that had been through this or that with us… but no one outside of our group could have possibly understood what we had been through. There was no one that could touch on the essence of being that was purely us. She was asking me if I was taking Heero away from her.

Truthfully? Yeah, I had given it serious thought. During the war… we didn't have a lot of time to make friends or lovers of anyone- only allies and enemies. Quatre had his family, and his Maguanac core, but that's different from having friends, and I'm pretty sure none of them were lovers. I've been wrong in the past, though, and since I've never inquired you'd have to ask him to be sure. I no longer had connections with anyone prior to when the Doc had nabbed me for piloting- although that's to say that I hadn't had a few 'friends' while on the streets of L2. Heero and Trowa had never really known anyone they could call 'friends', and Wu Fei, although he had been engaged at one point, had been so wrapped up with his own training that I'm pretty sure it didn't often occur to him to find friends. Probably considered it a weakness, coming from him. So what do you do in a friendless world that consisted of fight and flight alone? Exactly what we did- we found each other, all of us.

So could I take Heero away from Relena, after all that? No, not entirely, nor would I want to. We all meant too much to one another for that. In the end I could offer her only a pathetic smile and a shake of my head. "Not forever, I promise."

She reached out, gently touching my cheek with a sad smile. "Don't make promises he can't keep, Duo." And the moment was gone, lost to a memory as she looked over my shoulder, past me, and waved cheerfully.

Turning, I spotted Trowa and Wufei walking silently up the front walk, looking as stoic as ever. Green eyes met mine, a flicker of sad amusement crossing them, and that was all the greeting I got from the oldest pilot before he met Quatre's enthusiastic greeting with a faint smile. Wu Fei had trailed to a stop before he passed me, and looked over at me as though I might be pulling some kind of trick on them all. His jet-black hair was tied back loosely, for the moment, an unusual sight at best. Irritably pushing a few stray locks behind his ears, he turned to give me his best I'm-not-amused look.

"Really, Maxwell, ever the dramatist… I suppose we're going to be following you around all day, then?"

"It's good to see you too, 'Fei." I replied, trying to keep an eye on everything that was going on. Trowa had managed to move the greeting to Heero's side in order to say hello to his best friend, as well, and the two were quietly watching Quatre and Relena discuss something in low tones. It was several moments before Wu Fei decided to speak again, and I was genuinely surprised to hear the sincerity in his voice.

"I'm sorry to hear about Deathscythe. Those two almost forgot to turn theirs off, as well, worrying over you and Heero. By the time we radioed to you, there was no one to answer us. Quatre remembered his phone when Relena called, having heard the news report on that filthy mission."

I couldn't help it- I laughed. If you've ever heard Wu Fei speak, the word 'filthy' just does not come off sounding serious in the least! Oh, it earned me more than my fair share of odd looks, and when Relena asked what was so funny, Wu Fei had been at a loss for an explanation; which only seemed to make it funnier. When there isn't a lot left in the world to laugh about, though, it feels even better to find just the little things overly amusing. It was a serious topic, a voice in the very back of my mind whispered, offended. I knew, oh how I knew it was but… Just hearing him speak of my gundam, my Deathscythe, had brought tears stinging to my eyes and I felt that if I did not laugh, I would cry, and crying was not on my agenda for the day.

So they didn't get it- their loss, I suppose. It wasn't long after I had calmed myself down that Quatre suggested we take a look at the house he had found. Surprisingly it takes an awful long time to get away from Relena's manor, and an even longer time to make it away from Relena herself. In the end, we made it away one man short, as Heero chose to stay with her for a few more hours. I can't say it made me happy, watching him fade into the distance as we drove away… but I understood, at the very least. He needed the time to say goodbye; a farewell that encompassed an indeterminate amount of time, that could cover forever if he found that he needed it to. Forever, though, was never a question when dealing with a gundam pilot. Forever was something that was never considered, in our lives, because nothing ever lasted long. Forever wasn't an option, and I knew it certainly wasn't possible with those two- but you do what you have to, and I had to let him go or lose him.

So we had found ourselves, the four gundam pilots, standing in the middle of that faded grey room, feet scuffing dust, fingers running over walls that seemed old enough to have memories all their own. There was a slightly peculiar air of sentience about the place, as if it knew where we were moving, what we were doing, where we were touching. I felt watched as I stood alone in the bedroom, the cracks that I knew ran through the paint on the walls blurring into completeness as my vision slowly lost its battle. The flaws, the tiny ones I should have been able to see all around me in this place, couldn't be seen, they were no longer important, and it was then that I felt a real connection to my future home. We were both faulty, damaged, broken in our own ways… and as I listened to Quatre and Trowa, only a few rooms away, get into a light-hearted bickering match over what color the fridge would be… I knew that we both had people who cared enough to fix what they could and love what they couldn't.

For the first time, in a long time, I knew I was Home.

It didn't take more than an hour or two for our group to finish thoroughly exploring the inside before Quatre suggested we scour the backyard. He vehemently attested that the yard was really the reason he had chosen this house, over the four others he had found. When we emerged into the sun-dappled backyard, I instantly knew why. Thick maple and oak trees encircled the peaceful haven, offering both shade and beauty as their sun-searching boughs extended delicately well above the ground, casting dancing patterns of light and dark beneath them. Covering most of the right side was an intricate pond-scape, gurgling with delight at having visitors to show off to as its pumps continued to function, despite the tired, worn sound they were emitting. With no one to care for the fountains, algae had begun its creeping conquest over the entire scape, giving the black bottom a deep, green hue.

As beautiful as the entire yard was while I could see it, fear and panic threatened to take over as I thought about navigating it in pitch black. The small sticks and leaves that had fallen onto the ground would become fatal hazards, the trees, impossible barriers. That was saying nothing of the chance of tripping over the sand-slate stones that surrounded the edges of the pond, an encounter that would bring me crashing into the peaceful, dark waters. I choked on the bitterness that leapt into my throat, scathing words of rejection for the entire house on the very tip of my tongue as I turned a cold shoulder to the beauty I knew I would love to hate in a few days. My dismissal died on my lips before it ever became a sound, though, as I caught sight of Quatre, standing in the doorway as he watched me with a warm smile dominating his features.

"Do you… Is it okay?" He had asked, tentatively, his voice faltering just a bit at my dark look.

Very honestly it took me a minute, standing there with my mouth open and ready to tell him off, to snap at him for even considering choosing a house on how something looked, before I realized I didn't have the kind of heart it would take to tell him no. The anger that had risen in me snuffed out as I brushed past him without answering the question, only trusting my voice to speak when I had reached the front door once more, bound and determined to enjoy what was left of my day and my sight.

"Coming or not? You've got long enough to gape at the great outdoors when we come back!" It was admission enough, apparently, as it was not half a minute later before the others came into view.

It was sort of surreal, watching Trowa and Wu Fei walk quietly to the car as I leaned against the iron railing, arms folded, and watched from that little, tired front porch. Quatre stood still behind me, his breathing steady as he kept a careful, slightly worried eye on me. I didn't need to look at him to picture the tiny scrunch to his features, the pattern his eyes wandered as he searched you for any sign that something was breaking or going to break, the quick clench of his jaw, followed by a supportive, sorrow-masking smile when he noticed you'd been watching him right back. I could tell, by the way he was leaning gently against the doorframe, watching them start the car after bickering over who was going to drive this time, that he was leaving something unsaid, like he was waiting for something that was never going to happen. It was only when Trowa, after noticing we were hanging back, called out to us that Quatre started, his concentration almost audibly snapping, and he let out a nervous chuckle that said far more than he had meant.

"So you're not coming with us?" I said quietly, turning to look at him with a regretful smile. He had known I would figure it out before he said a word.

"You're staying here, tonight, aren't you? I'm going to make sure there is enough here for that. I'll be here when you get back, I promise." He smiled hesitantly, as if he wasn't sure I was going to take no for an answer.

I smiled back at him, because I knew why he was staying. Yes, he would get furniture, get the electric and water utilities fully functional again, and he would probably even pick up enough groceries for a few days… but that wasn't why he wasn't coming. Quatre has always been the most gentle of any of us. He wasn't soft, mind you, he was just as much of a hard-ass as the rest of us when it came down to it- but he was different than us. He understood people, he felt for them, and because of that the war had left him with what would become deeper scars than we could hope to understand. He was staying behind because if he didn't keep busy, didn't feel like he was doing something useful, he feared he would lose it, break, give in. Handling the situation wouldn't have been easy for him, but I knew better than to think he would break because of me. I let him have his way, because I can't remember a time when I wouldn't have given him anything he wanted.

"Not that it's going to matter, but I like darker colors. Black, green, blue." I was admitting that I understood why he was doing what he was doing, and that I wasn't going to fight him on it, but I wasn't going to back down either. "You'd best be sure you're not gone when I get back, though. If I can't have you all day, I'd at least like to say goodbye."

It had been the wrong thing to say, even though it had felt like that was entirely how it was. My vision was too blurry by now that it's hard to say exactly what flickered across his face before he hugged me, tightly, catching me off guard. My arms uncrossed quickly, steadying us against the railing for a moment as I made sense of what was going on. I could feel his face, buried in my shoulder and knew that I had done something wrong, but was not entirely sure what. As he began to shake his head from side to side, I had to struggle to understand his whispered words.

"Is that what you think we're doing, Duo? Saying goodbye? Leaving you?"

So that was what this was about. I smiled, my hands releasing their grip on the railing and encircling Quatre in a return of his embrace. I shook my head, even though he couldn't see, and smiled. "I know you're not, but it sure does feel like it, na?" I fought the jester's mask I felt like using, because Quatre deserved my complete honesty, my trust and truth. "I feel a little lost, Cat." A joke between the two of us, hopefully enough to lighten the mood, but not enough to scare either of us away.

"Everyone's a little lost, Max." He replied, pulling back just enough to look me over with a small smile, hands resting locked at the nape of my neck. He knew very well that he was the only one who could get away in one piece after calling me 'Max'. "But we're lost together, and there is nothing that can change that. I'm afraid you're stuck with us for as long as you'll have us."

I sighed, resting my forehead against his with a ghost of a smile. "Can't say I'm complaining. You'll be here when I get back?"

"Of course. Did you want me to invite Hilde over? She was on her way to Relena's, but she wasn't going to make it in time so she told us to go ahead without her."

Relaxing just a tiny bit more, I closed my eyes with a sigh of laughter "Yeah, you'd better. She'd kick my ass if I didn't see her before…" I trailed off, not sure I could even finish that sentence if I had wanted to.

Quatre pulled me closer, into another hug as he quietly agreed. "She'll be here. You'd best get going or they're going to get worried and come back up here." He smiled, giving me a kiss on the cheek before firmly turning me to face the patiently waiting Trowa and Wu Fei. They were both staring amusedly at the two of us making a scene of ourselves, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

Sighing, I started down the curving stone ramp. "See you tonight."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." There was a two-step pause before he called out again, stopping me in my tracks. "Duo?"

I turned, his form just a little too blurry to make out well. "Yeah?"

"In a way… You're almost lucky. We'll always be young in your mind."

I smiled, just faintly as I turned from looking at him, more to prevent myself from tearing up than to continue walking. "We were never young, Quatre. We never had a chance to be." I waited a moment to see if he would respond to that before shaking my head, just the slightest bit. "Black, don't forget." And I walked away, leaving him staring after me.

I wish I could tell you that my last day of vision was spectacular, packed with sights I would never forget, or maybe that the day was spent finding everyone I knew so that I could see them one last time. Even in the best of realities, I don't think that would have been possible. Everyone had their own agenda and I felt content knowing that I had at least seen five of my closest friends, and would be seeing the sixth when we returned to the house. The others shouldn't have been important enough to merit stressing about, but I can't truthfully say there was much that didn't stress me. I'm proud to say that no one noticed how much I was bottling up.

I couldn't help it- my internal monologue had become a totally depressed sap while I was busy panicking over what I was going to do with my current situation. Every tree became The Last Tree I Would Ever See, every bird The Last Bird, every everything was becoming The Last I would ever see of its kind. It was highly disheartening, to say the least, but even though I harshly berated myself every time I caught my mind thinking those thoughts, I couldn't stop them from coming. I imagine it was kind of like telling yourself 'don't think about bunnies.'- The first thing that comes to your mind is bunnies, and you can't stop thinking about bunnies afterwards. I couldn't stop thinking about all of my The Lasts.

Don't get me wrong, the city, beautiful in its own jaded way, provided a decent enough background as we moseyed through it, talking quietly about anything at all. By anything at all I mean we desperately avoided discussing anything remotely important, our voices a false tone of cheerfulness, our footsteps ringing out hollowly to remind us of how empty everyone was. I spent most of the time with my eyes to the sky, ignoring the trash in the gutters, the graffiti on the walls, the people all around us. As the day progressed I watched the world morph around me, blurring and darkening past the point where I could tell one person from the next, past the point when I could tell where I was, which building was separate from the others, and everything was slowly becoming darkened shapes. The world was closing in on me faster than I wanted to, or could, handle, and it was terrifying.

It had only been a few hours into our trip when I had to tell Trowa it was time to go. I didn't want to be on the streets when my vision went completely black. I wasn't sure I could handle it, and didn't particularly want to stick around to find out. I didn't want to have to go through all of that, I didn't want to have to keep fighting anything any longer, I didn't want to have to fucking deal. Nightmares, after the war was over, should have become a thing of the past, so what the fuck was I doing still living in one?

So we went back to the house. The ride was terrifying- I couldn't see where we were going, but I could hear the cars whirring past and around us as Trowa drove. My white-knuckled grip on the 'oh-shit' handle (as the Doc had so appropriately dubbed it upon my first real-life driving lesson) either didn't merit mentioning or wasn't noticed, as neither of the others said a word. The silence that had settled after my somewhat fearful declaration of near sightlessness was stifling, awkward, and completely unnecessary. I could already feel them walking on ice around me, as if something had drastically changed- as if I wasn't me anymore. Just as I had worked up the nerve to say something, to point out that they didn't need to act as if anything had changed, the car slowed, the engine guttering to a stop.

"Looks like Heero made it. Hilde, too." Trowa said quietly, his tone completely neutral as the car door clicked open.

Maybe I was only imagining things, making myself far more paranoid than I needed to be about the whole issue of tension. Trowa and Wu Fei were naturally quiet individuals, and I had actually been surprised I had persuaded them to speak as much as they had within the city limits. Now, though, without being able to see their faces, I had lost the precious ability to see what little emotion ever did grace their features. There was no way for me to tell what they were thinking, or feeling, or really even to know what they were doing unless they spoke, unless they told me. Unnerving was a wholly unsatisfying understatement.

I could see enough of the house to know where it stood, and I could even make out the form of the front walk, almost growling at Trowa when he offered to go first so that I could follow him. Okay, I'll admit- I almost tripped twice walking up the ramp as I misjudged the slant, and my boots caught. Luckily, I didn't have to make a fool of myself trying to open the front door- I couldn't remember which side the handle had been on. I was saved from trying to navigate an unknown door as Hilde swung it open with a shout and threw her arms around my shoulders in a mixture of happiness and apology. Stumbling back in a very dangerous way, I caught her up and returned the hug whole-heartedly. My back pointedly reminded me that it was still in pain as I bent slightly backwards, but I bit down on the almost nauseous feeling as best I could. Someone had obviously told her I had scraped my back open, because she carefully kept her hands from touching anywhere that would have truly hurt. I constantly regret not having been able to see her face before my world faded, but it was good to have her near me again; we'd been through quite a bit together. She settled, feet touching the ground again as I set her down, the biggest grin I'd worn in days plastered on my face. My expression, I'm almost certain, was mirrored on her own face as she fastened her hands to either side of my jaw, her forehead resting firmly against mine. I could tell by her voice that she was just as worried as anyone else, but overjoyed at seeing me again.

"If you ever pull a stunt like that again, Duo… God, I've been worried sick since I got the call from Noin."

My hands rose, covering her own gently as my grin died to a sad smile. "Didn't she tell you I'd be all right?"

"Yes." She smoothed my bangs back with one hand and kissed my forehead, slipping her hands away and turning to go inside. "Yes, she told me that you'd live. She also told me that you'd ripped your back open something good and that I was to make sure those bandages got changed when I saw you. Oh yes, and something about going blind and retarded."

Okay, this is how badly messed up this whole thing was making me- I believed her. My brain frantically ran over everything that had happened, trying to surmise when I could have knocked my head on something, wondering if I was going to start losing my mind anytime soon. Upon not finding anything that would have made me 'retarded' my brain finally began to hint that it just may have been a joke. I'm sure that watching my face go from smiling to panicked to confused to understanding must have been wildly funny because she started laughing as soon as she knew I had gotten it, and her voice was joined by Trowa and Quatre, who had joined us silently in the doorway.

"Heero's in the kitchen." Quatre amusedly informed us as Hilde bolted past him, fearing pursuit and retribution for the bad joke. I would have followed, had I the strength of will to care past the relief I felt.

"How long has everyone been waiting?"

"Hilde showed up about an hour ago, and Heero had just gotten in when you pulled up. He's putting the ice cream in the freezer." Before I could open my mouth to ask, he chuckled, "And yes, the fridge is black. Praise me for I am the lord and master of kitchen appliances."

I gave him a funny look as I passed, raising an eyebrow, "Yes, but the real question is, did you find a black blender?"

"That is not the question." He corrected as he turned to follow me, "The real question is, did I think you would hurt yourself or others with a blender."

I rounded on him. "Okay, that's totally not fair. No one told me you have to put the top on it first."

"I suppose no one told you that you're not supposed to make explosives in the blender?" Quatre asked amusedly as we entered where I thought I remembered the kitchen being.

"Okay, that was an innocent mistake." I responded seriously. "How was I supposed to know it would explode?!"

"What on earth possessed you to blend aluminum and dish soap in the first place?!" He asked incredulously, his footstep faltering just slightly.

"Well I… um… hm. I uh… Heh. Don't know."

"You are NEVER cooking, understand? NEVER."

It felt good to banter with someone who spoke more than seven words at a time. While I could pull conversations from both Trowa and Wu Fei if I got them interested enough in the topic, and I had gotten onto fairly good speaking terms with Heero as of late… It wasn't the same as talking with Quatre. I always felt a little bit like I was talking to Trowa and Wu Fei, and even most of the time, to Heero. I spoke with Quatre, though, not to him, and it was relaxing, to say the least. He seemed to be feeling better as well, and I didn't want to upset him again. I didn't want anyone upset, and as long as I was worrying over what happened to the others, I could almost forget about the roiling pit of dread of my stomach had become.

"Peanut butter ice cream?!" I heard Trowa exclaim from where I was forced to assume the fridge now stood. I could make out his form, standing toward the edge of the room, staring down at a blob of ice-cream carton. I didn't have to be able to make out his expression to know that he was giving it a curious, somewhat scathing look. "Who even eats peanut butter ice cream?"

"I eat peanut butter ice cream, thank you." I swiped the carton from him, almost dropping it as my fingers slid on the ice that had formed on it's outside. "I happen to like peanut butter." It was a little harder to find a chair than I had imagined it would be, and I have a feeling Heero kicked the closest one in order to allow me to hear where it was. Being the ornery bastard I am, I took the seat next to the chair he had moved, earning me a fairly awful glare I never saw. I still wonder if it bothered him that I didn't seem to notice his ill-spent glare.

Around my eating the ice cream straight from the carton with an overly-large spoon, Hilde stripped me of my shirt and began to change the bandages that clung stickily to the mass of scrapes that was my back. Heero passed me blessed drugs in the form of cursed pills. I crunched them in with the next spoonful of ice-cream that I shoved somewhat moodily into my mouth, an action I instantly regretted as that stale, medical-powder taste overpowered the ice cream's flavor and spread like wildfire. What ever possessed me to bite down on those pills should be banished to the lowest level of Hell. By the time I had recovered from the shock of the awful flavoring, Hilde had finished patching me up, asking me if I could kindly refrain from choking to death next time. The new bandages were a little itchy for a few minutes before a sort of relaxing numbness soothed away any uncomfortable feelings.

It wasn't more than a matter of minutes before Sally called to check in on me. We didn't speak for long after when Wu Fei excused himself for the evening, promising to return the next day if he were needed. Quatre saw him to the door (after telling me that if I got up he'd send me back to the hospital personally) and made sure he knew where our young Chinese friend was going before he returned. The air was cooling rapidly already, and I could feel the early night chill gently swirl around my ankles as the front door closed. The others were talking about what they were going to put in the house, and where they were going to put it. Sadly, I had to object to the idea of painting the entire house hot pink just because I couldn't see it- Hot pink is one of those tangible colors that you really feel more than you see. I was very afraid that if we did turn the house into a hot-pink eyesore that I would be seeing hot-pink for all eternity, instead of black.

Around this same time, while we were discussing the looks of the house, I began to sense an undercurrent of tension again. As the natural light faded, casting shadows on my shadowed world, I was rapidly losing what little sight I had left, and I can't tell you who was more unnerved by it; them or me. I felt like I was listening to a verbal form of 'Tug-O-War' between Quatre and Heero. The former seemed to think it would be a good idea to steer the conversation away from sight-oriented subjects, while the latter seemed to think exactly opposite, continuously bringing the conversation around to the way things looked. There I was, sitting in the middle, unsure which side I wanted to win. On one hand I didn't really want to talk about sight, it was on my mind enough as it was. On the other hand, though, it was something that I was going to have to get used to living without, and I didn't want people dancing on pins and needles around me just to avoid speaking normally. In the end, I could only listen to them pull the conversation one way or the other while I felt Trowa watching me to see the signs I wasn't giving him. What really stopped the conversation was when Heero had decided that he had just about had enough of speaking solely to Quatre. When Heero decides something is over, it's pretty much over whether anyone agrees or not.

"So, Duo, are you going to get a dog?"

If he hadn't said my name, I probably wouldn't have even paid attention to what he asked. "Dog?" I echoed.

"Yes. A guide dog. Are you going to get one?"

'Take it back.' was all I wanted to say to him. I wanted to shake and shake and shake him until he took back his words, until he let it seem as surreal as it had seemed all day. Somehow, him mentioning a guide dog seemed to trigger something inside of me, some part of me that had been denying that anything was going to happen. That little voice inside me that had repeated the mantra 'it'll get better, don't worry, it's not real' had just been silenced and everything suddenly seemed so empty, so very real and dead in my mind. Life needed a rewind button in that moment more than it had ever needed one before. The shock that he had even brought it up wasn't even registering as my brain fought to function past the reality-induced panic.

And then it passed.

I rose from where I was sitting, carefully, very thoughtfully placing the warming carton of ice cream on the table. My spoon made a quiet clink as I settled it squarely beside the carton. Stillness settled over the room and I didn't have to see to know that I was being watched like a hawk by everyone present. I heard someone, Hilde I think, move to come toward me, but Heero stopped her, and she sat back uncertainly. I stepped to the side, pushing my chair in to the table, my hands clenched just a bit too tightly around the wooden back of it. Forcing myself to release the innocent chair, I exited the room, the echo of my boots thundering loud in the high-strung silence. The bedroom was not far off and not hard to find if I ran my hand along the wall and used the mental map I had created earlier in the day.

Although I couldn't see it, I could imagine the reprimanding look Quatre had shot Heero as he spoke in a low tone. I couldn't hear what was being said, what was going on, and I didn't care, collapsing exhaustedly on the bed with a groan. Hilde nervously entered the room long enough to bid me good night and to pass along that Quatre would be along tomorrow to go to the hospital with me. The thought of my two friends bickering the whole way there, albeit in their subtle 'we're not really bickering, but we really are' way didn't help to ease my mind at all. I sat up long enough to give Hilde a hug and a kiss goodbye, knowing that she would be around as much as she could, but that wasn't as often as she would like. Then she was gone, and Quatre and Trowa were gone, and I was alone again.

It was a short while later that Heero came into the room, sitting silently on the end of the bed and watching me, I am sure. The lights were off and the only thing I could make out was the faint difference between the open doorway and the walls. For several minutes we sat in silence so loud it was deafening before Heero took a deep breath and sighed resignedly. I could almost SEE the eyeroll, even in complete darkness.

"It was an honest question, Duo."

No apologies from him, I suppose. Can't say it really deserved one- although I hadn't known it at the time he really was doing what was best for me; treating me normally. I lay there, hands folded behind my head, eyes roaming the pitch black of where I knew the ceiling was, not answering him. The battle against reality was still being fought, but I was completely on the losing side.

"You can't run from it forever, you know. You're going to have to turn and face it down some time, and I'd like to see you do it sooner rather than later."

There was nothing I could say to that that didn't sound entirely lame or childish in my view. As much as I didn't want to admit to it, I was going to have to come to terms with losing my sight, and I was going to have to do it well if I didn't want to miss anything important. The little tick-tick-tick of a clock to my left seemed to fill the room with noise. After a prolonged lack of response, Heero sighed again and I felt the weight shift on the bed as he rose to leave. I felt like I was being denied air, at that point, and the only thing my brain could grasp was that I desperately did not want to be alone.

"Don't leave." My voice betrayed me, cracking just the tiniest bit.

There was a pause in which I was afraid that he had left just as silently as he moved… But then the mattress by my feet shifted, and I felt him move to stretch out beside me on the bed. My hands left their nonchalant position from behind my head as I turned on my side to face him, and I relaxed as much as I think I could have possibly relaxed. Alone wasn't something I could deal with on top of everything else. Had it really only been less than two days ago when my life was as normal as it ever got? Two days seemed like an awfully short time to turn one's life upside-down.

"It's okay to be strong most of the time, but..." He whispered, fingers running lightly down my nose, coaxing my eyes shut as they went. "If you don't bend sometimes… you'll end up breaking."

I could feel consciousness slipping away from me at his continued soft strokes down my nose. He knew that it put me to sleep, and he had used it shamelessly many other times. Try it on a baby sometime, they fall right asleep too- I don't know what it is, but it works miraculously. I had just enough strength left in me to move to lay against him, my face buried in his shoulder.

"I'm scared, Heero. I shouldn't be, but I am. I don't know what to do." I admitted, barely even a whisper. I hadn't even wanted to admit that to myself, much less to anyone else, but it had seemed okay at the time- A feeling that was confirmed when I heard the small smile in his voice as he shifted to pull me close, kissing the top of my head before settling back.

"Your mission…" He said quietly, almost sleepily then, "Is to get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, and we can deal with the world then."

My eyes slid closed, darkness sweeping over my world forever.

* * *

/**End Chapter Six, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	7. Chapter Seven

* * *

/**_Don't make me promises, _**

**_Baby, you never did know _**

**_how_****_ to keep them well_**/

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

"I know your first instinct is to put him through hell during this," Quatre had whispered quietly into my ear as he gave me a greeting hug, "But pushing him too far right now will be more detrimental than it will be beneficial."

As he pulled back I gave him a devious smirk and twitched my shoulders in a shrug. "Coddling him won't help, either. At least he won't be angry with me later for my behavior now."

He knew very well what I was implying but, being Quatre, he let it slide with a bemused smile. "You've always got a plan, haven't you?"

"Never hurts. What's the plan for today? Fly around the world? Meet everyone he knows? Some sort of giant get together maybe?"

I could not help the sting my words held. There had always been a fair amount of animosity between Quatre and me, though I could not have placed my finger on exactly why. He was just as much of a friend as the others were, we had shared just as much, been through just as many hard times… but he was different, somehow. When I was around him I got the unsettling feeling that he knew more about me than I had ever told him, maybe even more than I knew about myself. The times we had been placed on the same missions, early on in the war, he fought with a different heart than the rest of us- his heart bled for everyone there, including the enemy.

I often caught myself thinking about the people I killed; I wondered if they had normal lives, lives that had been ripped from them, or if they had friends and family somewhere, waiting for them to come back home. Yet, as soon as I would think those thoughts, the people would sink into namelessness once more, faceless puppets waiting to have their strings cut, and I could kill without regret or guilt. Quatre could never set aside the pain of taking life away from another, and maybe it was that fact that made me feel just that much more unclean in his presence. Maybe that was why we had always been just a little more gruff than we needed to be- I felt tainted while he was around, and he was never quite sure how to respond.

"Duo?" He chuckled, his beautiful blue eyes twinkling with mirth at the mere thought of my suggestions, "Don't tell me you honestly think it would be a good idea to drag him all over shinola? What with everything else he's going to be going through?" He waved a hand through the air, "I can see him exploding right now… No. I figured I would bring him to the new house, and maybe walk around downtown. He can go where he wants to, then, and it's not too far from the house when he wants to come back."

Even though I was listening to what Quatre had to say as he prattled on in a soft tone about more specific plans, I was intently focused on Relena and Duo, watching them speak in low voices. I couldn't hear what they were saying, and I couldn't see Relena's face to be able to read her lips. It must have been important, because he made the same face he always makes when someone asks him a question he knows the answer to, but doesn't like where the thought ends up. The two had gotten along fairly well since they had met, but they were still distant from one another. I knew it was more than a little bit over me, but I wasn't stupid enough to believe that it was entirely my fault. They had grown up in completely different worlds, and they both had a certain amount of fear toward one another. It wasn't even something they were truly aware of, nothing they would take into consideration, even if I had pointed it out somewhere along the way. Relena feared Duo because of his street-rat origins, his quick tongue, and his somewhat unpredictable temper. Duo feared Relena because she seemed to be everything he had grown up hating- the leader, the manipulator. He feared losing control more than anything, and she just seemed to have so much more of it than he.

It was around then that Trowa and Wu Fei showed up, walking as smoothly as if days like this happened all the time. Watching them move, I felt an odd sort of detachment from the entire situation, as if I were no longer Heero, but someone merely observing. The pilots hardly ever saw each other outside of the missions, and there had always been a lingering sense of impending battle hanging over our heads, our conversations always just a little shadowed by thoughts of death- not just death in general, but our own deaths as well. Here they were, we were, together in one place, knowing that the war was over and that 'normal' lives could now be made. We should all be rejoicing, celebrating, smiling smiles so large that our cheek muscles would begin to hurt… yet here we were, faces solemn and stoic, everyone one of us just as worried for Duo as the others. When you spend so long thinking about death, you forget to worry that there might be worse things than dying, forget that being destroyed and being broken are two entirely separate tragedies.

Wu Fei hung back to talk to Duo, which did not surprise me in the least- they had always been better friends than one would suspect, watching them bicker. They were polar opposites in most respects, but they understood each other. Trowa, however, had never been as close to Duo as the rest of us, only giving him a glance before stepping past, toward Quatre and me. He looked me over once as he approached, as if making sure that I was truly in one piece. I reassured him with a slight nod of my head, knowing that there was more to a conversation than words alone.

Quatre, seeming to catch my line of sight, followed it to our newly arrived friends, his face breaking into a warm smile as he waved, pulling Trowa into a hug before he could protest. They exchanged a quick word before he glanced up again, brilliant green eyes meeting mine. While there was nothing other than a small, knowing smile on his face, his eyes told me worlds more. He was deeply concerned for both of us, for the end of the war, for the future, and more than that I could see the sheer relief the flooded through him. No, Trowa was not a very expressive person on the outside- but that didn't mean there was no feeling on the other side of those striking eyes.

"What're you going to do about Relena?" Trowa asked quietly. His tone was soft, merely curious. Never-the-less, it pricked at my skin like needles.

I had been trying to avoid pondering what I was going to do about Relena. Obviously I couldn't abandon Duo to his fate now. There was not anything I could have done about him jumping off the cliff, but it was entirely my fault that he had opened his eyes as he hit the water. If I had not shouted to him, he would have made it out with only the injuries on his back, injuries that would heal if given a short amount of time and proper care. Blindness wasn't something that went away, it was forever, and I was counting myself lucky that Duo was not holding me personably accountable at that moment. As it stood, it was bad enough that I was holding myself responsible. I would have to stay with him, be there for him through this. Not entirely because I felt obligated, but also because he was my friend, my best friend, the person of all the people in this world that was closest to me… and because of that, I knew the path I would eventually choose, no matter what else.

Quatre, upon seeing Relena approach, tactfully distracted her from our current conversation, pulling her to the side and moving her attention to asking about the gundams. I sighed, giving a small shrug of my shoulders in response to Trowa's question. "What can be done? I can't leave Duo alone. What would you have me do?"

The house was a mere hour's drive from Relena's manor, and I knew we would be welcome to visit it any time we wished. The major problem, I believe, would be that Relena would not be there- she had conferences and peace-meetings all over the world, and was likely to have them for several months, if not for several years, into the future. She would visit, when she got the time, as rare as that opportunity would arise, but there was no feasible way to work around both people. I was going to have to walk away from one or the other, and there was no way I would walk away from Duo. It was not going to be easy, I knew, but it would have to be done.

"No one's giving orders anymore, not to you and not to him. Your life has become your own, and you'll have to choose your paths with your own heart, now. None of us can decide that for you." He said quietly.

I was robbed of the opportunity to ask him to elaborate when Duo began to laugh, a deep, heart-felt sound that brought a smile to my lips immediately. He had such a way of doing that, of interrupting everything to make people smile. Quatre's suggestion to view the house brought a fast end to everyone's conversation, and I made a snap decision- If I could convince them to leave me behind, I could say goodbye to Relena, take my leave of her as gently as possible, without the others nearby to make any sort of scene. Hopefully that would be enough, be the easiest way.

I distinctly do not recall how we ended up at the van Relena had prepared for them to drive to the house. Visits to the kitchen, the bathroom, the kitchen again, and for whatever reason, the library were all pit-stops along the journey. I think in her own way Relena was trying to keep them around her as long as she could. After all, this was a goodbye of sorts for her, as well. We had all become such very close friends through time, and she was going to be out of touch with all of us for who knew how long. The day only seemed to get more depressing as it progressed. Finally, though, we were at the car, and everyone was getting in, and I believe it was around then that Duo truly realized that I was staying behind.

"You'll come by later, won't you?" He had asked quietly, as Quatre argued with Wu Fei over who got to sit in the front seat. Standing half in and half out of the van's side door, he looked at me as if he could see straight through me, and I knew his vision was already worse than he would admit.

I smiled, inwardly choking on my surprise at the knowing question. "Yes. I just… I have to say goodbye now. I don't know if I'll get another chance." I was admitting a lot through those sentences, but I was hiding a lot, as well. He knew I was going to say goodbye to her, maybe forever. He knew that I was going to return to him afterwards. What I have never been sure of was whether or not he knew what I had left unsaid- That I was not sure I could say goodbye later, was not sure I would have the strength of will to tell her no if she asked me to stay, if I didn't walk away today.

"Be gentle, O Breaker-of-Hearts, for she's still got to save our planet's sorry ass from relapse." He winked cheekily at me, but I saw the hurt that flickered across those unfocused eyes- but there was nothing to be done for it. Hurt him now for a few hours or hurt him later forever were the choices, and I took the lesser of the two evils.

We watched the van fade into the distance before I turned to head inside. I did not make it very far before Relena's voice stopped me dead in my tracks. "Don't bother going inside, you won't be staying long." Her tone was resigned, but firm, and as she turned to face me, I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

My heart cried out at the sight. Throughout the war there had been a tiny voice in the back of my head that constantly taunted me. I had come to want to protect the people who had become my friends, grew to love them, all of them. Relena had clawed her way into my life and I was not sure exactly what I would do without her as a constant. Ever since I had met up with her, as it had been with Duo, I knew it would eventually come down to making a choice between the two. During desperate times, where fight and flight became our lives, everyone had adopted an 'anything goes' sort of morale. That couldn't fly now, there was no way old systems would work with the new reality that had settled so heavily upon us all… and I had known, even before the end of the war, who I would leave with. It wasn't that I didn't love her- I did. I just loved Duo more.

Sighing somewhat dejectedly, I was only able to offer her an attempt at a smile. "We really should talk, before I leave, 'Lena. You want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. It's unhealthy any other way."

If you have never been fixed by a woman's glare after you've just contradicted her, my advice to you is to avoid it at all costs. Just don't contradict them. Her gaze clearly told me that any more 'suggestions' like that were not going to be in the best interest for my health, but I could already see that she was going to listen to me. As much as she wanted to let it go, let it be, not mention anything, and live in a world of pretend when it came to me, she knew better. She knew that if she let me leave without both of us thoroughly discussing matters, that she would forever regret it. Maybe even that we would both regret it. So in the end, she rolled her eyes and brushed past me, heading for the manor with an exasperated sigh. I allowed myself a small smirk as I followed.

Nearly half an hour later found us seated comfortably in the kitchen, and blissfully alone. I watched the misty tendrils of steam rise from the cups of tea, sitting before us in shiny white mugs, artificial comfort in the moments that would bring little-to-no real ease. The clock on the wall was becoming the most hideous blend of annoying and soothing noise. In a way the steady click-click-click of the second hand was a way to judge my heartbeat, to calm myself, a way to hold on to something real and constant. On the other hand it was driving me insane to imagine leaping from my seat to tear it off the wall, stomp it to pieces, and burn the remains. Luckily for that incessant piece of machinery, I was not an incredibly impulsive person, nor did I have the energy to actually follow through with such a plot. Although I can't say that it would not have been wildly amusing to see her reaction, I fear it would have ruined the moment.

Not that there was much of a moment to ruin, just then. Staring blandly into the space between us, looking for all the world as if this ornately crafted dining table were both the first and last place she ever wanted to be, she offered me a suffering sigh. "Look, we're not getting anywhere just sitting here."

My eyes fluttered shut for a split second as I gathered my thoughts. Why was there so much to say, when I could find no words in which to express any of it? "I have to go with him." It was the simplest thing I could scratch past my paralyzed tongue.

"I know." She said, obviously more sharply than she had intended, judging by her miniscule wince the second she had spoken. Her reprimand was softened by a sigh and she placed her hand over my own, stopping the nervous way I picked at the nails on my left hand. It was a bad habit I had picked up somewhere along the way, and it frustrated me almost as much as it frustrated everyone else. "I know," She repeated, "He's going to need all of our help, as much as he can get- but it's your help he really needs."

An uneasy silence settled between us, flying thoughts almost tangible as they whirled through our minds. "I don't know… when I will be back. When I will see you again." I said quietly, gaze roaming over our hands, refusing to make contact with her glittering eyes.

Her free hand rose, softly touching my jaw as she tilted my face upwards, forcing me to look at her as she smiled sadly. She shook her head with a breathy chuckle. "How is that any different than it's always been? You've never known when you would be around, we never knew when we'd see each other again. Even coming back at all has never been a guarantee, not with you or with any of the others."

"That's the problem…" I said quietly, dropping her gaze and turning my cheek into her palm, just slightly. "This time is any different."

Her tone betrayed her, her voice trembling even as she smiled. "Because this time you don't mean you don't know when you'll be back. You mean you aren't coming back. It's okay, I knew it would come down to that someday. I…"

She stopped herself, but I knew what she was thinking almost as if she had spoken aloud. We had both seemed to think that when I finally disappeared, it would be entirely too permanent. She had expected to be left with a tombstone instead of a goodbye, and I think, in a way, she had hoped that that would be the way of things. I think a part of me had hoped that it would end like that, as well, as horrible as it sounds. Death was just an easier escape than having to create a new life or having to face up to hurting someone.

"Nothing's for certain." I apologized. "I won't make promises I can't keep."

She laughed at that, but it had a bitter edge to it. "He seemed ready enough to promise for you. He really doesn't have much of an idea about anything, does he?"

"He just likes to believe in the best of worlds."

Another silence descended on painful wings, my eyes drifting back to the mugs of tea that had cooled before us. The color toward the top of the liquid had begun to settle toward the bottom, giving it a gradient effect that was infinitely fascinating to my numbing brain. I couldn't help but wonder how it had ever come to this point, why I would ever have to make a decision like this.

"Come visit me, Heero." My name rolled gently off her tongue, as it had done for so long now, tugging none-too-softly at my heart. "Take care of him, stay with him, but… I've never let you rule me out of your life before, and I'm not about to break habit now, do you understand me Heero Yuy? Don't think you can get rid of me that easily."

It looked like the decisions were going to be made for me, and the thought brought a smile to my lips. "All right." I took up her hands in my own, pulling her gently up from her seat across the table and into a hug. She latched onto me, wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her face in my shoulder. Her hot tears were a stark contrast to her cold nose against my collarbone. I could feel trembling beneath my fingers from where they rested against her back. "I'm sorry, 'Lena."

"Don't be." She whispered, a little hoarsely, and I could tell she was fighting a losing battle against her tears. "You haven't done anything wrong. Can't say I blame you, I just hope he's worth it all." She pulled back just a tiny bit, searching my eyes with a faint trace of a smile. "You know how to reach me if you need me. I'll be around. You should probably go."

"I should probably go…" I agreed as neither one of us budged. Saying goodbye to two years of something that had become a rock of constancy in my life… seemed impossible as I stood there, her heartbreak painfully felt between us.

"If you stay any longer," She admitted regretfully, "I may not let you leave at all."

Smiling, I leant down and closed the short distance between our lips, sending a small shiver through us both. She slid her hands down, gently drawing the tips of her fingers along my jaw as she broke the kiss, smoothing my hair with one hand as she stared into my eyes, forehead resting against mine… and she smiled. We stood perfectly still for as long as we dared before I slipped from her grasp, gathering every scrap of courage and determination the day had left me with in order to walk away at last. I paused in the doorway of the kitchen, turning to look back at her with a faint smile, a gesture she returned, albeit with more tears in her eyes.

"I'm not going to say goodbye." My tone cracked, but I pressed onward. "Goodbye's are made for forever."

She shook her head, her hands clasping in front of her and coming to rest beneath her chin. "Goodbye, Heero." She whispered.

There was nothing I could do but stare at her, blankly, tears stinging at my eyes but not close to falling. I'm not entirely sure I could have brought myself to cry, I'm not sure I had it in me to do so, not for her and not for me. That does not, by any stretch, mean that it did not hurt to hear her apologetic, knowing tone. Giving up was not something I did easily. "I'll see you later, Relena."

I walked away without looking back.

I found myself wandering the streets of the nearest city after Pagan very politely offered me a ride to where-ever I wished. The sky was a dusty grey above me, clouds gathering in grey upon grey upon grey, all the different shades of that despicably bland, dreary, dull color. It was enough to make one sick as I shrugged my coat further upwards, hoping that the ruff would reach my ears, knowing that it would not. Autumn was upon us, but it was not the colorful, cheery type of autumn we all deserved. The weather itself knew something was wrong, and it would not let anyone else forget. I felt like a kindred spirit with the lonely winds that wound their way through the buildings, seeking an end to their restless journeys.

As there was a distinct lack of people on the streets, there was also a distinct lack of unnatural noise piercing through the air. This may have been why when I opened the thick glass door to the corner grocery store, the tiny chiming of bells shattered my nerves to hell. My gun was out and aimed before I had even realized I was reacting, and the startled look the shopkeeper tossed my way told me I had crossed one line or another. I took a few deep breaths, calming myself and slipping the gun back to the inside of my coat with as little fuss as I could manage. This did not stop the accusing look the stout lady continued to fix upon me, nor did my offered apology or attempted explanation. I was not winning anything at all that day, it seemed.

I grabbed what I had trekked here for- ice cream. While I knew Duo had not been entirely serious about wanting ice cream when he had spoken at the hospital, I could not get the words out of my mind. It would be a delicious treat, as I knew how much we all loved the sweet substance. Cookies and crème, vanilla bean, chocolate chunk, and of course, peanut butter, Duo's favorite, though for undetermined reasons. To this day I still don't know why he eats peanut butter ice cream- Why not just eat peanut butter? Although it was beyond my comprehension, I honored the favorite flavor, humoring him enough to purchase a carton purely for his sake. The clerk gave me a strange look as I placed four cartons of ice cream on the counter, but if she had something to say she thought better of it when she caught my eyes.

The house was about a twenty minute drive from town, which meant it was a good two hour's walk. While it had occurred to me that I could probably call for a ride, the sky seemed to be clearing up (although night was stealing in on rather swift wings), and walking helped to ease some of the ache inside me, serving to sooth frayed nerves and give me the time to think a little bit about the future. I can not truthfully tell you that I got much done- every time I started to think, my brain went entirely numb, and all thought ceased. My mind was seized by random fits of retardation the entire journey to the new house, and it was more than a little frustrating to realize that I had gotten nothing done, wasting an entire two hours of my life.

If there is anyone who can greet people well, it's Hilde. She practically jumped me, although I strongly believe it was more to wrestle the ice cream out of my icy, frozen hands than to actually say hello. Quatre materialized in the doorway of the kitchen, only a few yards from the front door. Leaning delicately against the doorframe, he appraised my general appearance with only a once over and a smile. The irksome feeling that he knew more than he ever should seeped through my veins, causing the hair on my arms to prickle in response, but I returned a look as if I were unaffected. This did not appear to phase him in the least as he shifted to let me through to the kitchen.

From the looks of the house Quatre had spent the last few hours cleansing everything, top to bottom. Hilde appeared to have helped, her cheeks smudged with dirt and grime, her oddly dyed hair tied back and covered by a bandana. Yet her eyes shone brightly as she stuffed the ice cream into the freezer, wondering loudly if four half gallons was really a necessary amount. Before she could protest further Quatre and I silenced her with a loud affirmation of just exactly how much ice cream was needed. He laughed raucously when Hilde told me right where I could put all of that ice cream if I deigned to speak in that tone of voice again. Sadly I was less amused, but dropped the subject when her eyes shot to the doorjamb, and she bolted from the room. Duo had returned.

Taking a seat at the table, I settled myself in to stay put for a while. There were going to be other people up and about, and I was sure it had been a confusing enough day as it were for Duo. Deciding I could take my chances on an angry reaction for not greeting him, I watched Quatre give me a withering look as he exited just behind Hilde, to greet the others. I could not help the small roll of my eyes after he was gone, knowing I would probably get jabbed at later for my lack of accompaniment. Somehow, I just could not bring myself to care.

I cared enough when I saw Duo enter the room, laughing at something Quatre was saying, a light blush on his features. Trowa slipped in, making an attempt on Duo's ice cream before the boy snatched it, sitting with a pout in the chair next to the chair I offered to him, a devilish smirk playing with his lips. I'm glad he could not see the roll of my eyes at his ornery behavior. He didn't smirk for long, as Hilde began tugging off his clothing, shortly followed by his bandages. I stopped paying attention to his choking on his pills and complaining about her after a minute.

It was odd watching him, because I felt that I knew what he was thinking, inside. I can really only imagine the sense of overwhelming panic that flooded through his veins, but he was containing it as if it were nothing, as if losing one's sight happened every day. He spooned ice cream into his mouth as Hilde scolded him for trying to get out of having his bandages replaced by choking to death, a reprimand to which Duo took great mock-offense. It wasn't long before she was done, and he had gotten over the taste of the pills. Still, he kept up a smooth, calm face, and I knew what was going on. He would not admit to it, but that face was the same mask he had worn so many times before. The jester that lived inside him, preying on his honest emotions and only allowing the world small glimpses of his true self… had resurfaced today. He was in denial of the entire situation, and I knew he needed to move past that before anything could get better.

When Sally called to check in, they quickly arranged for her to visit tomorrow and assess his vision, or what was left of it by then. From his tone of voice just before he hung up, I can surmise that she was none-too-hopeful about him retaining any sight by the time morning rolled around. Wu Fei rather suddenly decided that it was a good time to leave, pushing himself away from where he had been leaning calmly against the wall, arms crossed, obsidian eyes just a bit unfocused with thought. Trowa and I struck up a conversation about the house, Hilde joining in just as Quatre re-entered the room, sitting down in the chair across from me.

"Lights?" I suggested, seeing that there were only a few dotting the ceiling. Duo might not have had enough sight to require lights, but my vision was still intact, and I did not fancy losing it over poor lighting.

"I ordered lamps for the corners, they should be here in a day or two at the most." Quatre picked at the hem of his shirt, around the button, and for a moment I wasn't sure if his responses were set on auto or if he were actually listening.

"Since Duo won't be able to see it, we could paint the entire house hot pink. Inside and out." Trowa suggested, prying a scoop of cookies and crème from the carton, an effort that was taking entirely too much work in the ice cream's current brick-like state. "We wouldn't tell him, of course."

"Bit late!" Duo shot around a mouthful of ice cream. "Blind, not deaf." He affirmed, visibly relaxing as the painkillers kicked in.

"Too bad it wasn't mute." Hilde responded cheekily, grabbing the fresh chocolate chunk ice cream carton. She flashed him a smile before seeming to remember that he couldn't see her, and there was a moment of tense silence before Quatre suddenly began to notice the world outside of his sleeve, and looked up.

"Hilde and I cleaned today, so all that paint that was all over is outta here. I didn't buy anything for the rooms that need to be repainted, yet, because I didn't want to have to move anything in order to paint. I hope that's okay."

"That's fine." I said, looking him over. I knew where he wanted the conversation to head. He wanted to avoid talking about anything that had to do with sight, hoping that he would not make it worse for Duo. Ordinarily I would have probably joined in to help everything go smoothly, but this was not one of those cases where coddling the victim would make it any better. Duo was strong, and if Quatre didn't know how strong, I, at least, did, and I wasn't going to let him back down and soften because of one bad event. He was going to get through this whether I had to drag him kicking and screaming through it or not. "So if not hot pink, what color do we want the inside?"

"I don't think it matters. So what kinds of food should we pick up to stock this monster?" He motioned to the fridge, his fingers flickering out and then closing on the spoon he had stuck in the cookies and crème that he and Trowa had been sharing.

"We can go to the store and take a look around, see what's there and pick and choose. That's probably the best way to shop anyhow, seeing as you're the only one with any real grocery experience, Quatre." I loved this kind of word game, taking everything and turning it to your own point. If he wanted to steer clear of sight-oriented topics, I was going to keep turning right around so we had to go over it again.

He shot me a scathing glance, and I knew I would be in for it if I kept going, but I wasn't about to back down. Duo seemed to have tuned out by this point, so I doubt he was even listening, and Trowa was simply sitting quietly as we spoke at one another. I could feel the tension building, because Quatre would not call me out on my game, not in front of Duo. It was all I could do to keep from smirking.

"Not really. You can't imagine how often my sisters took over and I just let them lead me around to stores. Most often I didn't even get stuff when we were out on missions or anything, it was all Rashid."

"Speaking of Rashid, have you seen him lately?" Point.

"No." He snapped, more harshly than he had been expecting, because he corrected his tone of voice immediately. "They've been out and about for a week or two now, but they'll be back. I asked them to let me get some time away for a while."

We went back and forth for a short time longer, the tension thickening past the point of tangible. My thoughts had begun to wander and instead of gracing Quatre's last remark with an actual response, I said the first thing that came to mind. It may or may not have been a mistake, but I didn't regret it.

"So, Duo, are you going to get a dog?"

It was really there that the conversation had ended. What happened afterwards, Duo's tentative question and subsequent removal of himself from the room were merely side effects of a greater plot. I had succeeded in giving him a slap to the brain that he would not forget soon… however, I could not tell if this pleased me or not, as seeing him practically stumble from the room, tears in his eyes, tore me apart. I moved to follow, but Quatre stopped me, standing firmly in my path, his face furious.

I don't know if you've ever seen a furious Quatre before, but it is fucking scary. There is not much in this world that scares me, but that will do it. He waited until he was sure Duo was in his room before he spoke. His eyes remained locked coldly on mine, but his voice was directed at Hilde. "Please tell Duo we are sorry, but we're taking our leave for the night. I will be back tomorrow to help him with the doctor's visit."

The small girl seemed to get the idea, and she slipped out of the room with a glance at both of us, clearly unsure if it would be safe to leave the two seething, rabidly angry teens alone in the same room. Deciding her own health was at least a priority, she disappeared in the direction of Duo's room, and I was left alone with Quatre, Trowa, and a bit of fear for my life. The usually quiet Arabian boy was literally seething with vicious fury. He took two deep breaths before speaking, his voice a hiss that was loud enough for me to hear, but would not reach the ears of anyone beyond the kitchen.

"If you ever pull something like that again, Heero, I will not hesitate to skin you alive in front of everyone, do you understand me?"

"Pull something like what? I'm trying to help him, Quatre. He can't just ignore his situation like it's not happening, because it fucking is, okay?" I hoped my voice would match his, despite the fact that it cracked in indignation.

"Helping him is fine, but what you can't seem to grasp is what is going on inside him right now. You break him any more and there might not be a way to fix him. Lay off, or I will make you lay off."

"Look," I sighed, finally. "I'll back down a little if you'll loosen up a bit. You're so fucking tense around him, too busy walking on eggshells to notice how much that hurts him, as well. Would you want to be treated any different during something like this? Because I can guarantee you that although he may hate me now, he'll hate you later for doing what you're doing. He's still Duo, he's still just like he was before. And of the two of us? I think I know him better." I felt vindicated in that much at least, even though there was a part of me doubted that anyone could know anyone else as well as it felt like Quatre did.

Hilde passed the doorway as Quatre stared at me for a minute, his face scrunched just a tiny bit as he considered my words carefully. Finally, his shoulders relaxed and I could almost see him understand. "Fine. Agreed. You back off, I'll back off, and we will get him through this." He turned away. "Would you like to come with me, Trowa?"

The taller boy pushed himself lightly away from the counter using his hip, and gave me a look as he passed that told me absolutely squat. I watched them leave, listening to the car start and roar away before I cleaned up the mess the kitchen had become, returning the ice cream to the freezer, shaking my head as I wondered why I had bought so much in the first place, a perfect mimic of Hilde's earlier question.

I knew I had to apologize to Duo, but I was not sure quite how to go about doing so. When I walked silently to his room I found him lying sprawled across the bed, tussled and tired looking. Moonlight filtered in through the window to the left side of the room, bathing it in grey light. Grey, just like the city had been, a dead color for a restlessly still world. I stood watching him for a minute before I moved inside, making more noise than I had intended as I sat on the edge of the bed to resume my vigil. His eyes were wide open, staring at the ceiling as if it could give him some sort of answer that could not otherwise be found.

I could not say I was sorry when I was not, and I think he may have resented me for it. He remained silent as I spoke, giving him the best attempt at an apology that I could muster, even though it was clearly not enough. Icy talons dug into my heart at the onslaught of silence emanating from his still form. For all I knew he was merely feigning sleep, avoiding speaking to me, and I can not say I blamed him in the least. I would not have spoken to me after a bout of stupidity as grand as the one I had just gone through in the kitchen. I had a million things I wanted to say, a million words that swarmed through my foggy brain, yet none of them could make it as far as my lips, and nothing I said seemed to make any difference in all, nothing could draw forth a response from the listless ex-pilot…

My words fell into oblivion even as I recognized the thought. Our gundams were lost to us both, we would never fly a mission again. 'Pilot' was no longer something that could describe either of us, when before it had defined our very beings. Frozen, paralyzed with the realization, I drew a few deep breaths and tried to think past the heartbreak, tried to imagine my world without Wing, without the thrill of battle anymore. I had thrived on that world, and having it stripped from me so suddenly was a staggering blow. I could sense Duo listening to my silence, could hear his shallow breathing as he thought about what I had told him, and I wondered if the same thoughts had run through his head for the entire day. I cursed myself for not being there for him during that time. I felt like my insides had dropped away, replaced by a leaden brick of panic and guilt and terror, and it was too much to think that that he would have gone through that alone.

There was nothing more I could say, and the room, with its dead-grey light and cutting, emotionless air, seemed all to ready to collapse upon me, swallow me whole if I did not leave. I had not gotten a response from Duo and thought perhaps he had fallen asleep, or that he was never going to answer me, I rose to find the other bedroom in the house, convinced that a good night's rest would be able to return order to both our worlds. I didn't even make it completely off of the bed before he called out to me, his voice cracking, hitting straight through to the heart of me with its pleading tone.

So I did. I stayed. Crawling up the bed until I could lay beside him, I felt him curl up beside me. Despite the fact that I knew he could not see me, I still felt as though his eyes were watching me, taking in every last bit of me. I reached out softly, on a whim, and stroked my roughened finger down his nose, eliciting a soft sigh, a smile tugging at my lips as I watched his eyes flutter closed in automatic response. I let him know that everything was all right for the moment, and that it was safe to take off his mask while I was here. I would not let anyone hurt him, not now, not ever.

He moved closer, pressing his face gently into my shoulder, his arm slipping over my chest as he practically clung to me. Certain that he needed something solid to ground himself with at that point, I accepted his admittance to fear without a word. There was no advice, no reprimand, nothing I could offer him that would ease what ailed him. I could only be here for him, gently stroking the bridge of his nose as I had done a few times in the past, knowing he would be asleep in a matter of minutes. He needed sleep more than anything at that moment, and it was at least one thing I could easily bring to him.

At that moment, I knew I could not leave him alone, now or ever.

As I watched Duo sleep, moonlight playing with his fair skin, his breathing even and deep, his heartbeat thrumming steadily against my fingers, I made a final promise to the night, to the sleeping boy beside me, and I felt the tears in my eyes even as the words left my lips, clinging sluggishly to my tongue as sleep threatened to overtake me as well.

"I will take care of you, Duo. That's at least one promise I think I can keep." It was with that final thought that I let sleep claim me at last.

* * *

/**End Chapter Seven, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	8. Chapter Eight

* * *

/**_God knows I've been hurt before_**

**_You know what I've been through_**

**_Time helps, but it doesn't cure_**

**_These scars will never heal_**/

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

One day, two days, a thousand days- it was all the same. If I could survive the initial 24-hour trial, I could get through anything. At least, that's what I had planned for.

I woke that first morning, squinting my eyes shut and wishing that the sun would not shine quite so brightly as it seemed to be shining. My first panicked, hopeful thought was that I had indeed failed to go blind. I was immediately proven wrong as I opened my eyes, sight flooding with… black. It was a certain shade of red-black to begin with, but it was solid black, as if I had never even opened my eyes in the first place. Laying stock still in the bed, I tried to make sense of where I was, letting the events of the two previous days wash over me completely. Had it really only been two days? It seemed like forever, an eternity in a matter of hours.

When I finally gathered the courage to move, I instantly regretted it. Pain lanced through my body, centering around my back as I shifted. The thick bandages clung to my scrapes, digging into the tender skin there. Every single fiber became a separate entity, out to produce as much pain as cottonly possible. Did I know if they were cotton or not? No, not really, but I couldn't think of a more evil substance at the time. I froze up again, a dazed part of my brain vaguely proud that I had not made a noise, despite the fiery ache consuming the entire scape of my back. When my nerves had settled again, I tentatively reached over to the other side of the bed, only to find it empty. Cold and empty.

A solid rock of fear settled in my gut. Voices in my head hissed mocking words, alone, alone, all alone and in the dark. Hopeless, fear, helpless, abandoned. Panic threatened to overtake me… and then he was there, standing in the doorway. I heard the shift and scrape of his clothes as he walked, pausing in the frame as he took in the situation. Relaxing my iron grip on the sheets, I managed to turn just the slightest bit, fire leaping across my nerves even through my determination to ignore it. I couldn't see a damn thing, I needed to change my bandages, and I really, really wanted to curl into a fetal position until this had all passed, gone away, returned to normal.

The whole 'fetal position' thing really wasn't going to work out, however, as Heero cleared his throat and took another two steps into the room. His footsteps, which had echoed on the hardwood floor outside the bedroom, went soft and almost silent as he walked onto the thick carpet. I felt him lean his knees on the bed, or maybe it was his hands. My mind was still feeding me images, memories, creations of the world around me, and I clung desperately to them, wishing them to become reality. No such luck.

"I tried to make breakfast." He said conversationally. Heero was NEVER conversational, and my brain clicked a further notch into confusion. "We're going to need a new toaster. Ours... broke."

Without even thinking about it, I snickered at the mental images this conjured for me. "Broke? All on its own?"

"I may have had a hand in its death, but I blame Quatre for buying a possessed appliance. I don't know what he was thinking. There's a few bricks of charcoal and a bit of warm bread if you want to try that for food. Otherwise there's fruit."

Refraining from moving again, as even breathing had begun to hurt, I closed my eyes. Or at least… I think I closed my eyes; it was a little hard to tell. Disoriented didn't begin to describe it- The only way I could differentiate up from down was gravity, and after all my time in space I wasn't too sure about its reliability. I had a lot of questions, but I wasn't sure which to ask first, so I settled on the easiest one to comprehend.

"Do we have clothes here?"

There was a brief pause in which I think he most likely shook his head, before realizing from now on he had to actually give a verbal response. I took particularly devilish delight in knowing that because I could no longer see, Heero would be forced to speak more often. There might even be a chance at real, pointless conversation somewhere in the future. It didn't appear to amuse him nearly as much, judging by his tone when he answered.

"Not yet. I phoned Quatre and asked him to grab some things for us. He'll be by in about an hour, just in time for you to change before Sally arrives. Shower? Yes-no?"

It was an innocent enough question, but it hurt to hear. Of course real life had to go on and whether I went with it or not was entirely my decision. I wanted very badly to remain where I was, despite the fact that I knew it was the irrational side of me supplying that desire. The overwhelming urge to burrow under the covers, pull them up over my head and pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing would be wrong, stole silently over me. I had two choices at that point. I could either pick up the reigns and run with them, or I could stand on the side and let everything tumble down around me. It was a long moment before I sighed, squashing the feeling of fear and resentment as I sat, slowly.

"Shower sounds good." I admitted.

Hey, I've always been better at running than standing around, anyhow.

Shifting gingerly, I clambered to my feet, meekly testing the stretch limits of my forming scabs. Very soon I discovered that it was not an incredible amount. Flexibility was a lost concept by that time. Each movement, however, seemed to bring a little bit more comfort, eased the pain just a little bit more. I waved Heero away when I heard his boot scuff on the carpet, knowing that he was close enough to help me if I really needed it, but not wanting help unless I asked; and I wasn't about to admit I needed help already. He silently surrendered to my request, moving back to the doorway.

I knew I was on the left side of the bed, which was on the right side of the room. The doorway was at the foot of the bed, just a few feet from the edge. I weighed the options carefully as I stood, making small twitches in order to readjust my back to movement. Reminding myself to breath calmly, I kept my leg in contact with the bed while I thought. I didn't have a wall within easy reach, not without walking across the room. Running my hand along the edge of the bed was an option, until I reached the right wall, where it touched the covers. The bed was fairly low and I would have to bend to touch it, which risked throwing off my balance more than it already was. I could always try to walk entirely blindly, with nothing to guide where I was… but I fancied living.

In the end, I chose to bend just a tiny bit, swallowing the protests my back screamed at me for the action. We had slept on top of the covers, so they were still made, if a bit wrinkled, and the edge-line was easy enough to follow. I stumbled when I reached the corner, not having realized how heavily I had been leaning on the bed as my hand slipped into free space. Freezing, I listened as Heero took a step backwards and I knew that he had moved to help me, but that he had decided better. Probably in his best interest, as I would have snapped at him, venting my own personal frustration upon someone who didn't deserve it. I found the bed again and, looking ridiculous, I'm sure, found the wall. I was loathe to keep my fingers on the chipping paint, and resolved in that instant that this would be the first room we painted.

I reached the corner, extending a tentative touch for the wooden molding that would tell me where the exit stood. Since it bumped up from the wall it took me only seconds to find, and I felt my way around it, coming to stand beside what I am sure was a very amused Heero. He lay a gentle hand on my arm and my first instinct was to shake it off and tell him to leave me be. Quashing that little indignant voice within, I offered him a shaky smile. It had taken me almost a full three minutes to make it as far as the door of my new bedroom- a total of about ten feet. This was going to be a long day if I intended to keep up my determination to do everything on my own.

"The world wasn't made in a day, Duo. While I would like to say you've got all day to make it to the shower and back, I'm afraid Quatre will be here in an hour or two, and Sally and Wu Fei shortly thereafter."

He was suggesting, without actually insisting outright, that I let him help me, at least for the moment. There was something else, though that he was purposely not telling me. I could practically hear him refrain from finishing his speech. I didn't make a move one way or another, keeping my face toward the outside of the room as I stood in the doorway with him, my mind spinning with possibilities galore. Was someone I didn't know going to drop by? Or someone I did know and didn't expect? Was there even more wrong than I had been told?

"So what are you hiding?" No real beating around the bush. Heero's not the type to answer much aside from a straight up question.

From his sigh, a mixture of exasperation and surrender, I could tell I had hit the nail on the head. "Sally called. That's why I came to wake you." So that had been the logic behind his uncanny timing. "She says that we may have to bring you into the doctor's office today or tomorrow for a real examination. Look, Duo, I know you hate doctors and all that but-"

"Okay."

"-You really- What? Okay?" He had obviously not been expecting me to agree, putting together an expert plan on how he could possibly convince me to go and, failing that, a list of threats he could make that would force me to accompany them. Having his carefully laid plan come crashing down around his ears had always left him a little ruffled and surprised.

"Yeah. Okay. Now are you going to help me to the shower or not?" It soothed my pride just the tiniest bit to pretend that it was my idea to ask for aid.

Disoriented as I had been, feeling Heero's soft touch against my forearm seemed to bring the entire rest of the world into sharp relief. Here was something real, something I knew, something I could trust. Slipping my hands onto his proffered elbow, I pulled away from the only clasp I had on the world, the reassuring feel of the bed vanished from my shaky grasp and thus from my consciousness.

The darkness that enveloped me was complete, my only anchor to reality the boy I now clung to, almost desperately. I was grateful that he chose to wait a moment for me to catch my breath before he started walking. I took a few jerky, trembling steps forward, my right arm snapping out to find something solid to touch, while my left remained firmly latched to Heero's arm. My fingers crumbled toward my palm when they hit the wall unexpectedly, and I contained a hiss of surprise and pain.

It took us less than a minute to get down the hallway. My socks caught on every irregularity that dotted the hardwood floors, but never snagged enough to stick. The wall beneath my hand was rough and patchy. It wasn't so much that it was rough as that it felt broken, stirring within me a need to repair. I was rough, Heero was rough, hell- we were all a little rough around the edges, and the house seemed so much more suiting to me that way… but broken was a different story and I think I thought that if I could just fix this one small thing, that I could cure myself as well. Given, it would take more than just a new coat of paint, so to speak, to mend my problems, but it was a start.

Now, I'm not one for panicking- I never have been and never will be- but when Heero disappeared from my grasp, leaving me standing alone in the dark pit of doom the bathroom had surely just become… I froze up. Somewhere in the back of my brain was the layout of the bathroom. The sinks against the left wall, the toilet in the center against the far wall, the tub and shower to the right, behind the door- it was all there in my memory. Yet all of it seemed so very far away.

"Where are you going?!" I squeaked, internally berating myself for the weak tone.

"What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere." So maybe I overreacted. He hadn't moved very far away, his voice echoing thinly in the enclosed, tiled space. It made complete sense- or it would have if I had been thinking properly. I hadn't heard him move away, past me, out of the bathroom… I had just assumed that he left. Out of touch, out of mind seemed to be how my unstable self was dictating my surroundings.

Relaxing very purposefully, I shrugged. "I knew that." From his snort I concluded that he did not believe me. … Quite frankly, I wouldn't have believed me, either.

Soon, I found a cylindrical bottle being pressed into one hand, and a second into my other. "Shampoo, conditioner." Was the only explanation. "They're going to be here soon, but I also know that telling you not to take very long is entirely useless. I know how you shower."

"Are you going to go um…" I didn't really want to be left alone or anything, but I didn't want to keep him here if he had other things to do.

"Oh for the love of god, Duo." He said, and I could practically hear the eye-roll in his voice. "I'm pretty sure you can survive a shower alone. You're not going to die, I promise."

With a snort, I turned away from him. "Fine. If you're going to get huffy about it, you can leave now."

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, Duo. I'm only trying to help you."

"Well go help me someplace else." Did I care that it didn't make sense? Not really. I could tell that he didn't care, either.

"Whatever. While you're in there take the stick out of your ass. I'm going to go attempt to re-make breakfast for you, and await the arrival of our friends."

Again with the panic! I don't understand why it was so difficult for me to feel safe. Despite that I was angry with him for speaking to me like that, even if he was right, I didn't want to consider spending time alone, without anyone nearby to help. I stood stock still as he slipped past me, body ghosting against mine as he moved through, and the darkness that settled was eerie and devoid of safe feeling. Waiting silently for my heart to cease fluttering in its cage, I took a few calming breaths and tried to remember how the bathroom had looked.

Carefully, and ever-so-slowly, I put one foot out, feeling gingerly with my toes before placing trust in the ground before me. The tiles were smooth in their centers, but rough and cold at the edges. I fell over the toilet more than found it, banging my knee on the lip as I reached my foot out. Trying to hold onto my patience was like trying to hold onto handfuls of oiled spaghetti- the more I tried to gather together, the more seemed to slip through my grasp. Cursing vehemently at the offending object, I reached out to where I thought the shower should be.

The back of my hand brushed the shower curtain, and my grip on the conditioner bottle tightened. I had found what I'd been looking for… so now what? I didn't want to set the bottle down, for fear of losing track of which one was which, but I couldn't turn the water on, move the curtain, OR undress with them in my hands. I stood there stupidly for a long moment, brows drawn together as I considered the best course of action. Finally it dawned on me that I could place one bottle on one side of the tub, and the other on the opposing side. Proud that I was so inventive, I placed them in their respective places… and realized I had no idea how to turn on the shower.

Luckily for me and everyone else, I was in a good mood, or else I might have just bust into tears right there in the middle of the bathroom. Pulling aside the curtain, I felt around for the edge of the tub, biting back the twisting, sick feeling in my stomach. Showers were one thing above almost anything else that I favored and enjoyed, completely abandoned myself to while they lasted. As I reached the wall I thought I remembered the knobs being on, tears stung at my eyes. Losing my sight was a lot more than just losing my sight- it was losing essential parts of the things I loved best. Instead of giving in to my pain, however, I roped it, twisting it into anger, into determination, and by god himself I got that shower spitting out hot water before five minutes had gone by.

Of course, it wasn't until after I was in the shower, the warm water scalding the hell out of my raw back, when I realized that hot water might have been a bad idea.

It wasn't as hard to change the water to a cooler temperature, as I already had an idea of which knobs made what kind of water come out of where. The gentle jets of water beating a tattoo into the skin of my back grew icy, then mellowed out as the water adjusted to suit me. I let it run over my body, relishing the soothing feeling spreading through my muscles as a result of the steady massage the spray administered. The scrapes still tingled, but I could tell that they were closing and closed as my body repaired itself. I let my skin stretch, heal, and become whole again as I relaxed.

"What's with him, anyhow?" I growled quietly to myself. "Stupid bloody Heero, what does he know." Trying to help or not, he wasn't helping the situation by being mean. He was always so impersonal about everything. It was always the mission this and the mission that and I don't know when we'll see each other again, allow me to vanish. Maybe not in so many words, but that was definitely how I felt our meetings always went. If I hadn't been hurt falling off that cliff, I wonder if he would have followed me at all or if he would have disappeared into the cool dawn air like he always did. I would have had an easier time believing that he would run away again- sometimes it seemed like he ran more than I ever did.

Disbelief at that entire situation could not be washed away like the grime of a hard day. We had been so stupid, letting ourselves get cornered like that. Not only that, but I had been more the fool for not looking before I leapt. I'm always doing that, I suppose, getting into things without giving thought as to how I'm going to get out again. Maybe it was because I rarely expected to find myself in a position where I would be able to escape. Throwing caution to the wind didn't seem like such a bad idea when it was just my life on the line. That certain, special breed of recklessness flows with my blood; it is such a part of me that I would lose myself without it.

Everyone's luck runs out sometime, it's just a matter of probability- sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Through no fault of anyone aside from ourselves had we forgotten to undo the self destructs. That was what hurt the most. I was solely responsible for my loss; there was no one I could lash out at. Turning off the self destruct should have been the very, VERY first thing I did upon setting foot within the cockpit. Now, Deathscythe was gone, fading into memory, where I could no longer reach it, no longer feel the thrill and connection of my other half… I wouldn't be piloting my beloved gundam ever again.

It was this strain of thought that eventually broke me, standing there in the shower, the lukewarm water cascading over my shivering skin as my thoughts spun in circles, making me dizzy. I had faced the probability of never piloting Deathscythe again before… but there had always been a saving grace. No matter what else happened, I could still fly, I could still spread my man-made, mobile-suit wings and take to the air, to the skies, to space itself if I saw fit… and now there was nothing. There was no hope of piloting anything ever again- I couldn't even drive a fucking car, what on earth possessed me to think they would let me near a mobile-suit? The realization hit hard, and it lanced straight through to my core… piloting had become my strength, my sanctuary, my will to live… Without it, what was I? What could I possibly be?

Choking back a sob as my knees buckled, I sank to the bottom of the tub, curling against the side of it, fingers scraping along the smooth surface, seeking purchase where there was none. Giving up, my hands clasped one another and came to rest against my forehead, pressing tightly to the bridge of my nose as if they alone could stop the tears stinging at my eyes, staining my cheeks.

My only comfort was that I was alone, just then, that I could properly grieve for the loss of my gundam without the prying eyes of anyone else. Sister Helen had often told me that there was nothing in the world that would be worth my tears, and for a long time I held that as truth… Since the day I left I have lost a great many things… and discovered that some drew tears from my soul, regardless of their worth. Losing my sight, losing Deathscythe, losing piloting all together- it was too much, it hurt too badly.

Imagine the best thing in your life, the thing that defines you, the thing that you cherish most above all else. Now imagine that you can never again do that thing, see that person, that your most beloved of things has just been forever stripped away from you, and you will never know it again. That was the feeling that tore through my body, cinching my throat tight and causing my muscles to shiver in loss. Better to let it wash through me than to try to contain it, but that lack of attachment didn't make it hurt any less, didn't ease the pain at all.

I didn't know how long I lay, coiled upon myself as my body shook with silent sobs. For a long while, after there was nothing left in me to cry for, my body shook, trembling in the water which had grown freezing in the passing time- but I had not the strength of will to move, to escape. So I sat, mind wandering in slow circles around itself, around things that didn't matter either way. I felt as if I were watching someone else's thoughts, someone else's mind as it meandered through a thick, hazy fog. That poor shattered soul could not be me, for I was stronger than that- I was yet whole and well. If only I could tell that to myself forever, it might change something.

Only when, over the deafening din the shower had become, I heard the bathroom door creak open did I find my way back to reality. Once there, I wished nothing more than to return to the muddled world of dreams I had just escaped. The skin of my back was stretched tight against my spine and ribs, cold permeating every inch of my body. I didn't have to move to tell that it was going to be hell to get up now. I didn't answer when he called my name, hesitantly at best, and I didn't move when he blessedly turned off that freezing spray, nor when he pulled aside the curtain that separated me from the rest of the world.

My ears were ringing with the loss of the incessantly pounding water all around me, his voice coming from across a canyon of space. "An hour's not unusual for you, Duo. Two hours, I could give you easily. I can even understand three hours, if I allowed you thinking time, although I would have to question the availability of any sort of warm water by then. But four fucking hours in the shower is a little long, even by your standards."

Oh how I wanted to tell him to fuck off, go away, let me die in peace… Had I been able to work my mouth at that point, I would have. As it was, my jaw had been clenched so tightly for so long that I couldn't even pry my teeth apart. The momentary fear of starving to death attacked my brain, but I was too far detached to react save for further tightening my bite. I just wanted a respite from this nightmare, a peaceful oblivion to sink into where no one could disturb me ever again.

Large patches of gauze were placed against my back, where they stuck as though they had been glued. I gave him my best attempt at a disgruntled snort even as I winced. He moved away, yanking towels off what had been flat wall- Quatre must have installed some sort of rack. With an angry step that was more of a stomp, he reached the edge of the tub, straddling it as he set one foot inside and sat. My hair, which had tangled all over, clinging wetly to me, was pulled gently into a sloppy ponytail and wrapped in a towel to prevent it from dripping. A second, much larger towel was draped over my shoulders, and complete silence fell.

"You're going to have to get up sometime." He said gently, his tone resigned.

Resentment welled up inside of me at the tone of voice he was using; as if he wanted nothing more than to be done with this. If he wanted to be doing something else so badly he could leave and damn well do something else.

I wasn't asking him to stand around, waiting with polite irritation because I didn't feel like following his every wish to the letter. He didn't know what he was talking about. He could still pilot, could still fly if he chose to. At the time, I had thought that there was no way he could understand what I was going through, there was no way that he could help me. Icy bitterness twined around my vocal cords and I knew anything I said would have a sharp edge to it.

"I'll get up when I very damn well feel like it." I snapped. Or at least, that's what I would have said, had I been able to speak. It came out sort of garbled- I'm sure he got the gist of it anyhow. Without bothering to move, I offered him a blend of growl and snort and closed my eyes. He could sit there all day for all I cared, I wasn't getting up until I was good and ready.

Unfortunately, the choice was taken from me as he hauled me somewhat roughly to my feet. I made a desperate grab for the towel as my legs buckled beneath me. Pins and needles shot up and down my limbs as blood began to flow through them. I yelped at the sensation, the noise strangled by the sharp breath I took as Heero held fast to my arm. By some miracle I was still almost standing, albeit heavily supported by his practically bruising grip. I flexed my toes, sending waves of tingling pinpoints up and down my legs. It was only a moment before I was able to stand semi-decently on my own.

"Warn me next time." I cautioned him in a shaky tone, my distaste dripping from my words, my jaw unstuck due to my unexpected exclamation a moment ago. "That freaking hurt. Though I don't expect you would care." I knew my tone was scathing but, for whatever reason, I felt justified at the time.

He snortted, attesting to his lack of amusement, which pleased some distant part of my mind. That was really all the warning I got before he had dropped my legs out from under me and was carrying me from the bathroom. Something in me wanted to protest, to make him put me down and let me do it on my own… but I truthfully didn't think I would make it very far otherwise. Convincing myself that I didn't _need_ the help and that I should have _asked_ first, I settled for thinking myself heavier. I was hoping against the laws of physics that it would make a difference in how hard it was to carry me. It only served to irk me further that he took no notice.

Ten steps from the tile, across the hardwood, to the carpet of what I assumed was my room. I briefly wondered what time it was as he allowed my feet to drop to the floor. If I had been in the shower for four hours, and there were supposed to be people here 'soon' when I had started, were there people here now? Was I holding a bunch of people up someplace? Why hadn't someone come to get me sooner? A tiny, gloating voice in the back of my head was rather smug that I was causing so much trouble- after all, misery loves company.

"Heero… The doctor…" I couldn't help the note of worry that whirled across my tone as I questioned him. I felt for the edge of the bed with my knee, and settled down upon it, awaiting a response.

With a sigh, he shifted and moved forward, fingers playing along my ears and neck as he gently pulled my hair back from where it had again tangled, free of the towel that had fallen away in the bathroom. "Tomorrow. I called. Did you even wash this mop?" He muttered, tugging at a snarl.

"Yes." I replied irritably, attempting to brush his hands away and wincing as I was reminded again of the stupidity of taking a freezing shower in the bottom of the tub. "Cold water wasn't good for my hair."

"Or the rest you, you're shaking like a leaf." As if I hadn't noticed.

He leaned past me, and I held my breath for a moment, before clothing was pressed into my hands. Obviously he had laid them out before he had come to get me. I really didn't feel like getting dressed, I just wanted to flop down on the bed and stare into the blankness, using sheer force of will to bring back my vision and restore my world. Failing that, I wanted to curl up under the covers and go to sleep until the nightmare was over- starving to death didn't seem like such an awful idea. Luckily for me, I wasn't going to be allowed any of that.

"Dress." He ordered sternly.

"I don't want to." Faintly, I wondered just how far I could push Heero before he would just haul off and hit me. Recalling that I tested that theory once while in the hospital, I wasn't sure I wanted a repeat performance, but I couldn't bring myself to care. He would suffer a bit of petulance if I had anything to say about it.

"Just do it."

"Why?" I knew he was getting impatient- he never really had much patience for anything that didn't do what he wanted it to do. It's always 'blow it up' or 'kill it' if it doesn't work. Hoping that this illogical pattern of his did not apply to me, I continued, "It's not like there's anyone here. I just want to sleep."

A sigh and then "You slept. You've been sleeping. You haven't done anything to merit sleeping more." When I didn't answer, his voice became even more testy, "At least put them on to warm up. You haven't eaten at all today, so when you're done you can find your own way to the kitchen for food."

Clearly it was the end of the discussion. "Fine. I'll be out in a little bit."

Of course, I had no intention of going out there. We both knew it, but he let it pass without comment. "Your meds are on the nightstand."

I listened to his footsteps until they rounded the corner before I threw the clothes on the bed, grumbling to myself. Carefully I sorted out a pair of boxers (which I put on backwards the first time) and a soft T-shirt (which I was just certain I had on inside out, as it lacked a tag). Flipping it inside out and outside in several times seemed to have no effect and I ended up just putting it on regardless of which way it was facing. Something would have to be done about that later, but I was still freezing cold and every second in the open air of the room seemed to make it worse.

As quickly as I was able, I located the nightstand and downed two of the pills with the glass of water I almost knocked off the surface. Promptly, I crawled up the length of the bed and burrowed beneath the covers. There was obviously an electric blanket that had been turned on, and it was scalding hot against my frozen skin, but I made no move to change the temperature. My shivers began to calm as I tried to hold myself completely still, and I found that it felt rather nice to let go of everything and close my eyes, drifting off into the nice…

"Duo!"

I about leapt out of my skin. Have you ever been sitting in a classroom, dozing off while trying to listen to the teacher speak, and all the sudden she's just THERE, slamming her hands on your desk to give you that extra-special adrenaline rush that can ONLY come from such a situation? That's exactly what it was like. Except that there was no class left to be staring at me, and Heero wasn't exactly a teacher. Although he did have that tone that clearly told me I had done something wrong and I would have to figure it out myself.

"What?!" I complained, not wanting to listen to a lecture just now.

"What are you doing?" He demanded.

"Sleeping. Or I was sleeping. Apparently that's illegal."

"Did I or did I not tell you to come get something to eat?"

"You did."

"Then why haven't you?"

"Lay with me…" It was completely out of the blue; my lips had let it slip before my brain could stop them. I can't really say why I actually spoken, but I knew I had only voiced what I wanted. Sleepy abandon seemed to have taken control, and I wouldn't have trusted myself to say anything intelligent just then.

I could almost SEE the incredulous look he gave me. I knew him well enough to know that he was staring, mouth slightly open, directly at me as if I'd completely lost my mind. Maybe I had, but as I waited for him to make a move one way or the other I realized that I didn't care if I were insane, so long as he decided to take a nap as well. With an indistinct noise of surrender he climbed onto the bed and slipped beneath the covers with me. I became acutely aware of how warm I had gotten when his freezing cold fingers brushed my drying hair back behind my ears.

"This isn't anything like the Duo I know." He whispered.

I caught his hand in mine and threaded my fingers through his- that hurt tone of voice worried me deeply. "No?" I questioned.

"No." There was a pause and a withdrawn sigh, "You can't run away forever, you've got to come home sometime."

"I can't do it, Heero. I'm not… I can't." My eyes closed as I curled up, willing away reality. Why couldn't he be quiet, let me stay where I was, let the darkness take me?

"You're right. You can't." He said, voicing my own fears. "Not alone. This isn't life ending, Duo. We'll make it through, it's just another trial."

I mumbled something that sounded remarkably like 'don't want another fucking trial' as I sighed. "Please don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere." Without disentangling our hands he pulled me to his side and seemed to settle down to stay. "And neither are you."

"What about breakfast?" I yawned.

"S'too late now. Go to sleep, stupid." He whispered quietly.

It was the last thing I heard before I was asleep.

Time can't heal all wounds, but it finally looked as though it might help.

* * *

/**End Chapter Eight, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	9. Chapter Nine

* * *

/**_The space between_**

**_The tears you cry_**

**_Is the laughter that keeps_**

**_Us coming back for more_**/

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

* * *

An empty bed was the last thing I expected to see when I woke.

I cast a worried gaze around the room. I was alone.

After pulling on a pair of pants, I ferreted out my elusive house mate.

I found him sitting rather morosely at the kitchen table, a spoon clutched in his hand as if glued there. Giving him a stern look that I knew he couldn't see, I sat down beside him and pried the utensil from his hand. His unfocused gaze didn't waver, still concentrated on something a million miles away. I didn't have the heart to interrupt and so we sat in silence. I wanted very badly to know what he was thinking. Maybe it would have given me some insight into how I could help- but I said nothing, only rising to lay the dripping spoon into the sink.

He protested when I tossed the remains of the ice cream in the garbage. It had become the puffy, Styrofoam consistency ice cream turns when warmed, and I couldn't see the worth in saving it. My hands were covered in sticky flavoring. With an impatient look, I turned the sink on and stuck my hands under the warm flow.

"That's not breakfast." I chided as I shook the excess water off my hands, watching the droplets spray the silver sink.

I received a mumbled response as he rose from his chair and made to leave the room. Grabbing his arm with a damp hand, I sighed. He fixed the space just above my right shoulder with an offended glare. "What." He snapped irritably.

"Relax." I said, taken aback at his sharp tone.

His eyes rolled as he adopted an 'oh, for the love of god' look. "Can't they come here?"

"You've ordered medical equipment without my knowledge?"

"…No." He seemed to deflate as defeat settled upon him, and I immediately regretted my own tone. Waving a hand in dismissal, he sighed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. When do we have to leave?"

I checked my watch. "Noon. An hour." I ran my gaze over him with a dubious look. "You may want to change."

"Oh, c'mon, boxers and t-shirts, it's the style." It was a weak attempt for a joke.

I snorted. If I bothered to dignify it with a response I would play right into his hands for an argument we both knew he would win.

I released his arm and let him walk from the kitchen, watching him stretch searching fingertips toward the walls. He had never been one to let on when he was actually in need of assistance, and that will never change. It didn't stop me from wanting to intervene.

I ignored the urge and forced myself to turn away, busying myself with the dishes. Sadly 'the dishes' consisted of two spoons, a plate, and a mass of day-old toast attempts. The toast had left a funny smell in the kitchen, as if the char were sticking to the air. Luckily it melted easily enough under the spray, and the garbage disposal took care of whatever had remained. I hate that noise; the grinding, whirring, gnashing sound grated harshly on my nerves. Although hating it _did_ help me feel a little better, giving a specific focus to my frustration.

I quickly decided I didn't want to wait there, and removed myself to the front room, and it wasn't long before Sally was knocking on the door. She gave me a tired, hassled smile when I answered.

"Long day?" I questioned somewhat amusedly.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Is he ready, at least?"

"I don't know." I felt a bit guilty that I hadn't checked on him, but I hadn't even turned around before I heard him enter the room behind me. I watched him as he stopped in the doorway across the room and leaned gently on its frame.

"I've misplaced my shoes." He said simply. "I guess that means I can't go."

Sally fixed him with the most deadly glare I have ever seen her give. She motioned futilely to the thick soled boots sitting in the corner. "Don't even pull that with me today. They're about three steps to your left. Watch you don't run into the wall."

"So nice to see you, too, Sally. Do I just have a mock-me sign pasted to my forehead when it comes to you?" He said light-heartedly as he moved the three steps and toed the boots before putting them on.

He certainly took his dear sweet time lacing them up and stomping to make sure they were on properly. Waiting as patiently as we could was not an easy task. By the time he was maneuvering past us to the front door, Sally was tapping her foot silently and taking glances at her watch.

"Okay. I'm ready." He said, hand resting against the doorframe. If I hadn't known him so well, I would have missed the tremble in his voice. My throat tightened when I realized that maybe he hadn't just been taking his time with the shoes…

"About time." Sally said.

"Leave off, Sally." I commented thickly, opening the front door. He wouldn't be defensive of himself, but I wasn't going to let her get angry with him over something trivial, not now. I was happy just to see him up and moving instead of sullen and lethargic.

The drive to the hospital was tense.

No one was willing to break the silence, no small talk was exchanged. I barely kept myself from fidgeting. Instead I turned my attention to the back seat, where Duo sat curled up against the side of the car, glassy eyes staring without focus through the window, seeing none of the landscape as it flew past us. I wished he would smile again.

If only.

Doctors are not so much cruel as they are indifferent, and I think that is what gets to Duo the most. Everything he does always seems to involve so much blatant emotion. When that is stripped away from him he gets this nervous fidget in his hands. He cracks a million and two jokes that don't generally make sense, but bring a smile to your lips. Unfortunately, you can't hear a smile. Restlessly shifting, he asked me for the tenth time in half as many minutes whether or not we were done yet.

"No. We're not done. We weren't done twenty seconds ago when you asked, and we won't be done in twenty more seconds when you ask again." I replied, leaning back in the chair I was lounging in. It wasn't really the lounging type of chair, but I made the best of it.

"Actually," The doctor corrected, "we _are_ done now." He switched off the device he had been using to examine Duo's eyes.

"So what have 'we' concluded?" Duo snapped.

He was obviously done waiting. It had only been an hour since we'd arrived, but he had a way of making it seem like days. True, he'd been subjected to more than a few tests, but he'd lost all patience after the first. They were only trying to help, and I couldn't see how getting upset would make it faster.

"You're blind." He said conclusively. Before Duo could finish spluttering angrily, he smiled and held up a hand, halting protest. "As near as I can tell, though, there isn't anything wrong with your eyes."

"Aside from the blindness." Duo said flatly.

"Well, yes."

"Excuse me if I think you're a moron."

"Duo!"

"What? Oh come on, Heero! I already knew I was blind, what did I have to spend hours waiting around and being poked and prodded for if that was all he was going to tell me? We shouldn't have come." He said sourly, folding his arms in a very grumpy fashion.

"Grouse all you like about it. I'm sure there is more to it than that." I hoped my tone clearly conveyed the fact that the doctor had better have more to say.

The doctor looked nervously at me before continuing. "If there were something wrong with your eyes we could probably fix it. The retinas, the lenses, the muscles, any and all of that we could repair. What's happened in this case is something beyond our ability to affect. It's rather technical and very rare, I'm sure you wouldn't-"

"Don't." Duo cautioned. "Try me."

Fixing Duo with a hard, searching stare, he remained silent. At last he gently set his clipboard on the table beside the bed. "It would seem, Mr. Maxwell, the nerves behind your eyes, the ones that are responsible for transmitting the visual information your eyes receive to the occipital lobe, are not doing their job. In essence the impact, along with the fluid substance has 'pinched' the nerve. Picture water flowing through a tube. If you pinch the middle, the water is still in the first half, but it hasn't got the means to reach the end. Your eyes are still picking up and attempting to send all the wavelengths they normally would, but the nerves aren't letting it through."

"So how do we go about un-pinching them?"

"I'm afraid we can't. There isn't a specific damage to repair."

"So there's no hope."

He tsked, looking at me as if to ask if Duo were always this difficult. "Not necessarily. There is a very, very small chance that something could cause the nerves to relax on their own. After a time your brain might find a way to work around the problem. The probability of either is miniscule, however, so I would advise you not to place hope on that road."

"Great, thanks." Duo coughed.

I interrupted. "Did you require our presence further or may we go?"

My polite, if impatient, tone was welcomed with a relieved smile. "Only one more thing- you appear to have a fever, Mr. Maxwell. Were you out in the cold long?"

I snorted, and Duo shot an unfocused glare in my general direction. "Sort of."

He scribbled onto a piece of paper and handed it to me. "Stop by the pharmacy on your way out of the building. They should have that."

"Have what?" Duo questioned sharply.

"Pills." I injected as I took the slip, before the doctor could reply. "Big ones. Horse pills."

"You're mean, has anyone ever told you that? Really mean."

We left shortly after that and I can't say that Duo even made an attempt at being polite to the staff. I know that he hated hospitals more than anything, for numerous reasons. Actually, I can't say that I have a high opinion of hospitals myself. The reason people go there is because something is wrong, and no one likes to have something wrong with them. It stands to reason that memories of such places are almost always bad. Unlike Duo, however, I can respect the fact that the hospital and its staff work to mend what is broken.

I spent most of the next day trying to convince Duo to get out of bed and move around. He needed to start learning how to get around, make food, to survive without someone constantly by his side. Had our situations been reversed I know I would have been just as difficult. More so because I was not a people person and Duo thrived on human contact. He couldn't lose that.

So I pushed him. I made him cook his own food and made it clear that my bringing it to him was out of the question. Hunger was the only thing that drew him away from the bed. It was with a sullen, cranky demeanor that he rounded the corner and maneuvered to sit in a chair.

"I can't believe you won't bring a sick man food… I mean, what if I couldn't make it?! I would've starved!"

"You're here, so stop complaining." I didn't even glance up at him as I spread the newspaper on the table.

"I still think you should have brought me food." He grumbled.

"I'm not your slave."

He smirked. "That's not what you said on that L2 colony, when-"

"Don't." I warned. Unfortunately he didn't have to say anything else for me to remember that little incident.

The doorbell rang. I gave him a 'stay put or else' look before realizing it wouldn't do any good, and rose to answer it. The last person I expected to see greeted me with a smile.

"Hello!" Quatre said rather too brightly as he brushed past me.

I glanced out the door at the truck that had pulled backwards into the driveway. There were about ten of the men Quatre worked with milling around and I recognized Rashid as he came around the side of the vehicle. Nodding when he waved, I left the door open for them. Obviously our little decorator had decided to bring some friends and get moving on the house- without permission, might I add.

"What's all that about?" I hissed, catching his arm before he could enter the kitchen and come across Duo, who was probably still smirking to himself.

"I can't very well leave the place in this condition. Beside, I thought you and Duo could use some company."

"That's an awful lot of company." I grumbled as he shook off my arm and stepped away from me.

"Hey, Duo. I brought some of the guys with me; I thought we could work on painting and moving in some furniture. Is that all right?"

I rolled my eyes at the patronizing tone Quatre was using. Duo was not a small child, despite the fact that he often acted the part. His irresponsible and immature antics were just another mask and I sometimes felt that I was the only person capable of seeing past that. It was almost as if no one else wanted to notice that everything was not okay all the time. Sometimes bad things happen, and those things can leave marks that aren't physical. They run so much deeper.

"We were just going to have breakfast, actually. Alone."

Quatre shot me a scathing look, something I was sure that he would not have wanted Duo to see. The pointed smile I returned to him didn't seem to help.

"Well, good thing Quatre and the Mags came along then." Duo quipped, "There is only so much toast you can burn before needing alternate food sources."

Sharp eyes flickered to the remains of the toaster, which was lying disemboweled on the counter top. He made a strangled noise before wheeling to face me again. "What did you do to it?"

I shrugged, irritated. "Why does it matter? It wasn't working, I tried to fix it. It's not my fault you bought a broken toaster."

"It was not broken like that when I bought it."

"Are you done bickering, children?" Duo interrupted wearily.

"Sorry." Quatre mumbled, shooting me a reproving look.

"Hn. So what have you planned?"

I don't know when Quatre and I had gotten off on such a bad foot. Differences in opinion had always caused us to grate on one another's nerves, but we had never been so terse and cutting before. He seemed to come to the same conclusion because he took a moment to breathe deeply. When he spoke again it was without any of the malice of a moment earlier.

"I was hoping we could sand the walls, get all the flakes off and smooth it out. Duo wanted dark colors-" He turned to face Duo quickly, "Dark, right?"

"Yeah." He muttered sullenly.

Quatre didn't seem to notice. "Right, dark." He said conclusively, then launched into an explanation of the remodeling he had planned.

I didn't catch a word of it.

My gaze was focused on Duo. He was sitting quietly, his arms folded on top of the table. That lost, haunted expression had returned.

It made me ill to see it.

I didn't want him to be sad, but I didn't want his masks or false smiles either.

I wanted see his real smile again. I wanted that grin he gave when we saw one another after months apart. That wickedly enthusiastic smile when we all needed hope. The one everyone always counted upon, that was there in battle when we needed it most. The one that lit up his eyes, that quirked his brow, that made me wonder how I had ever survived a day without him. The smile that so cheekily said 'I've got the most delicious plans and they all involve you'.

I wanted to see the soft, reassuring smile he would give me when a mission had taken a wrong turn, or when I had woken from nightmares in the middle of the night.

If that all disappeared, if I were facing the rest of my days without that… life wouldn't seem worth it.

The worst part was that no one else saw through his façade, or if they did, they didn't acknowledge it. He acted content in their presence and they wanted to believe it so badly that they didn't look past skin deep. It really made me want to beat them senseless until they understood, but I didn't get the chance.

Duo stood, fixing a false smile onto his lips and reached out a hand to find Quatre's arm. "Hey, whatever you want to do is fine with me. I just hope you got one helluva comfy couch or I'll have to take drastic action."

Then he was gone.

We watched him walk down the hallway, fingers trailing lightly along the wall. I cursed myself because I hadn't gotten him to eat anything. We had only managed to upset him further. Quatre turned to me, a worried expression across his features and I couldn't find it in myself to be angry with him, either. Heaving a great sigh at my lack of a proper target, I offered my friend a half-hearted smile.

"Just do whatever. I'm going to go get food. I'm sure everyone will want lunch."

In truth all I needed was a time out. Contrary to popular belief I am not as collected as I would have everyone believe. Often times, like now, things got to be too much to handle. I could feel myself on the verge of panicking. That couldn't happen, I couldn't abandon him. During the war this gut-wrenching, unfounded fear had never been a good thing, and it was proving just as bad afterwards. In the three years we had spent fighting, only Duo had ever noticed; and he had been wise enough to keep himself from prying too deeply. He had been there for me, mutely supportive of things I hadn't known I had needed support for. I could do no less in return. I climbed into Noin's van (thinking that I should perhaps return it to her) and pulled away, carefully avoiding hitting any of the Maguanacs that were milling around.

Maybe if I drove far enough, for long enough, fast enough… I could escape everything for a while. I'd known that when I did eventually stop, it would catch up with me. I was falling apart at the most inopportune of times and I couldn't explain why. Such abstract feelings were not on my list if things with which I could easily deal. It had not even been a week yet and things had begun to seem too difficult, too hopeless. Did they honestly expect him to live the rest of his life like that? There was no way I could handle seeing his eyes so dull for that long, devoid of the life and laughter they had always shone with before.

I don't know when I started to cry, but I remember the overwhelming feeling of being lost and broken sweeping over me. I pulled over, placing my forehead against the cold wheel, trembling hands gripping it so tightly my knuckles had gone white. Whatever else in the world I could handle, whatever I had been put through and subjected to, none of it held a candle to what I felt in that instant.

It was my fault.

His sight, his world, his smile… gone because of what I had done.

I don't know how long I sat on the edge of the road listening to traffic zip past, feeling the world spin and turn and continue without me. Nothing seemed to matter. Duo had to blame me for what had happened. The others probably blamed me. I blamed me. I was the one who had called out. He wouldn't have opened his eyes if I had kept my mouth shut. How could I have known what he was going to do? I should have known. There was no excuse; there was no reason for him to forgive me.

I could always give him a reason, offer him some form of apology.

What does one say or do to apologize for so great a thing as a damaged life?

An eye for an eye, I suppose. Almost literally.

I restarted the van and went to collect groceries for the next few days.

Quatre was back the next morning with different Maguanacs this time. He had returned to being his bright and cheery self and I was very wary of getting into any sort of match with him. Rashid seemed to be sticking very close to his boy and, if truth be told… I was a little intimidated by him. I'm not a very tall person. I'm not even a sort of tall person. So I avoided them all, retreating to the solace of my room.

I had taken it upon myself to visit Duo's room every ten minutes and he seemed to tire of it very quickly. The fourth time I appeared in the doorway, he threw a book at me. Rather, he threw a book in my direction, and it clattered harmlessly against the doorframe. He was giving the doorway a filthy look, as if it had done him some personal injustice. It would have been funny on a normal day.

"You don't have to keep coming over here and checking on me, Quatre." He said sulkily. "I'm not going to expire if no one makes sure I'm alive."

Wincing, I cleared my throat and hoped I could communicate a smile through my words. "It's me."

He looked startled, confused, but he flopped back onto the bed. "Well, I don't need you checking in on me every five seconds, either."

I sighed. "You don't. I do."

"I'm not going to just disappear."

"Excuse me for needing the reassurance, even if you don't." I clipped before moving from the hallway and back to my own room. If he wanted to continue acting like a child, fine. I could treat him like one.

There was one point when Quatre extracted himself from the ebb and flow of people patching up the front room and disappeared to find Duo. When I reached the hallway a moment later, I could hear him talking in a quiet, soothing tone. Duo snapped something about color and painting before I heard Quatre rise to leave. I made sure that I was in his path when he exited.

"What were you doing?" I demanded, with more bite than I'd intended.

His sharp look was quickly replaced with a polite smile. "I made a walking cane for Duo last night. We fashioned it from an old diagram of the ones they used to make for blind people. It should transmit vibrations well; it makes different noises on different surfaces… the whole lot."

"Nice of you." At least someone was being productive.

"See that he learns how to use it, Heero."

Apparently that was all the conversation we were entitled to have, because Rashid materialized beside me with a smile for Quatre. "Come take a look, Master Quatre?" He inquired. "They've finished with the last bit of paint."

His eyes never flickered away from mine, the steely look that had settled between us unbroken. "I'll be out in a moment, thank you Rashid."

The man glanced quickly between us for a moment, giving us both a disproving look before leaving. I was the first to give in, eyes dropping slightly to the right of his shoulder. He released a soft breath and moved forward, brushing the backs of his fingers across my arm as he passed.

"C'mon." He offered quietly, "I'd like for you to see."

I followed him mutely into the front room and couldn't help but smile at the colors. Bright green trimmed the entire room along the ceiling, floor, windows, and door. The walls had been painted a sleek shade of black that reflected light in scrawling patterns. It seemed as though they had been using two types of paint- one was dull and rough while the other was shiny and smooth. I ran my fingers over the nearest wall and followed the patterns with a smile. Duo would love it, if we could get him out here to feel it as well. Of course there was no furniture yet, and the remains of the old paint coat littered the floor like discolored snow, but it was still gorgeous.

"Well?" Quatre questioned from beside me. "What do you think?"

I would have given him an indistinct noise of agreement if it weren't for the hard look Rashid fixed upon me. "He'd like it."

"If we tear up the floor, can we leave it until tomorrow for putting in the new one? I still have to find someone that can make it down to the store to pick up the rest of the material."

"Fine. I'll let Duo know to stay out of this room."

"Somehow I don't think you'll have to worry about that." He mumbled, looking sadly at the trim along the ceiling as if it were the sole cause of all the problems.

He moved to rally the Maguanacs for real work again. They had begun slopping small amounts of green and black paint at one another while they awaited direction. I removed myself from the room and walked down the hallway. My shoes echoed hollowly on the floorboards, mimicking the empty sound my heart made as it beat. Facing Duo after he had snapped at Quatre, of all people, a few moments ago wasn't going to be easy. I paused in the doorway to watch him.

Apparently I didn't merit a greeting this time. He lay curled on his side with his hands threaded into the pillow, clutching it as if it were his last grip on this world. He was doing a poor job of feigning sleep and it didn't take long for him to give up the act. With an exasperated sigh, he pushed himself up onto one elbow and glared in the direction of the door.

"They're tearing up the floors. I know. I heard. Great."

"You're acting very childishly, Duo."

"Whatever, I don't care. Just go away, I don't want to talk to anyone."

I was hurt that he was pushing me away, but I didn't want to upset him any further. I turned and lay a hand on the doorframe. "Goodnight."

He may or may not have given me a response. I didn't stay to find out. My own room was only a few steps away and I didn't feel like being awake any longer. Despite that it was only seven, I was exhausted.

Duo was hurting, that much was plain to see. I am sure that he felt some sort of injustice in the way the cards had fallen and I can't blame him. It wasn't fair. We had all done our part in the war. We'd lived eighteen years of our lives for a battle we didn't ask for, didn't want, and weren't expected to survive. At the very end, the last day, fate had dealt him a horrible hand and now he was stuck with the result. He was understandably angry with me. I thought about dropping it until he wanted to talk to me, but there was too much at stake to test that path. I had to keep trying.

Flopping back onto my bed I lay spread-eagle for a long time, staring deathly still at the ceiling with its slowly rotating fan. The blades were roughed up; it was as if someone had taken a knife and sandpaper to them. Dust was practically building new civilizations on the tops of them. The patchy, gilt chain that hung from the center waved just slightly in a breeze I couldn't feel- or maybe that was just my eyes playing tricks on me.

I woke the next morning feeling rather sick. I had eaten hardly anything the previous day and it was catching up with me. It shouldn't have been, not with my training. However, I think my stomach had decided to toss all training out the window in favor of complaining.

I heaved myself to my feet and managed to make it to the kitchen. Apparently there had been a small war waged on the counter because there were dishes everywhere. I think every pot and pan we owned was dirtied. I'd have to clean them later. Great. Sullenly, I reached up to open a cupboard. Making a grab for one of the boxes, I tipped it until it fell into my hands.

"Sorry about the mess."

I nearly jumped out of my skin, dropping the box I had just opened and scattering shiny wrapped packages all over the floor. "What are you doing here so early?" I demanded, bending down to gather the escaped breakfast bars.

Quatre smiled vaguely and leaned his shoulder against the doorframe. "I didn't expect you to be up; I thought I would get here soon enough to clean it up this morning. The others will be around in a bit."

"You're alone?"

"Yes, I'm alone. Surprised?"

I shrugged, replacing the box on the shelf and gently closing the door again. "Everyone's always around you."

He made a 'tsk' noise that was somewhere between disgust and disbelief and offered me another sad smile. "You're not alone, Heero. Neither of you are alone. You haven't been for three years now and you aren't going to be again."

Hearing him hit the nail on the head like that reminded me of why he and I had always fostered animosity between us. He always knew far, for more about me than I wanted to know, than I ever wanted to hear. If I didn't acknowledge the problem, I could convince myself that there wasn't one. Quatre had this habit of dragging everything into the light and making people talk about it. I tried to sigh irritably, but it came out sounding regretful.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Me too."

He pulled a book from behind his back, tossing it in my direction. I caught it neatly, turning it onto my forearm to look at the cover. 'Eyes of the Blind- How to Help.' I looked up, startled and a bit confused. Quatre smiled a real smile and nodded.

"I thought you could use some reading. You know, until Duo decides that he wants help. We can't do anything for him until he makes up his mind and wants to fix things."

My eyes fell back to the book for a moment, reading and re-reading the title. Why hadn't I thought of something like this? I shifted, turning my gaze back to Quatre. This was an apology, and he was waiting patiently for a response. I smiled softly, tucking the book under one arm.

"Thanks." He let me pass.

It must have been hours before I finally looked up from the book. Someone was yelling in the front room, interrupting my concentration. It sounded remarkably like Rashid and another of the Maguanacs having a duel over where to put the couch. I made a half-hearted attempt at stretching, my muscles protesting. I sprawled flat on the bed once more, book open across my legs. My back re-arranged itself as my thoughts drifted to Duo once more.

There were so many things I was going to have to learn how to do. I didn't mind, really, but I was worried about how he would react to it all. He had certainly made it clear that he didn't want the sort of help that came with pity. It's too bad that the others didn't seem to be able to understand that. I swear they were doing more harm than good by talking to him as if he might break. The Duo I knew might hide behind a false mask, might run when he could, but he wouldn't let this break him.

The problem was that… I wasn't sure I knew this Duo.

He had been sulking in his room for nearly three days now. I knew it would take time, a LOT of time… but I could wait. The space between a trauma and its recipient's recovery was often the hardest ground to cover. I didn't expect him to bounce back anytime soon. I figured it would be a while before he was willing to try and adapt to a new way of life. Which was why I was so surprised to find him standing in my doorway just then, guide stick in hand, offering me a smile I knew was only another mask.

He was hiding something.

"Want to go for a walk?" That smile scared me.

It was a mask that I had never seen before.

It was calm. Too calm.

Something was definitely wrong.

* * *

/**End Chapter Nine, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	10. Chapter Ten

* * *

/**_You're never safe_**

**_'till you see the dawn_**

**_If the clock strikes past _****_midnight_**

**_The hope is gone_**/

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

A quarter past midnight, - one week after I hit that water - my world stopped.

Everyone has a breaking point. I'd passed mine a few days before. This was different. This was giving in, admitting defeat. This was my surrender.

I hate that word, even now.

I actually had a plan… But there were a few steps I had to take first.

"A walk." Heero repeated in a totally disbelieving voice. As if he didn't think a walk was a reasonable thing to ask for.

"Yeah. You know. Go outside, one foot in front of the other around in a big circle until you-"

"I know what a walk is." I knew it was on the very tip of his tongue to ask 'what the hell do you want to go on a walk for?' but he only lapsed into silence.

"Ice creeeeeeam." I prodded Heero with the business end of Stick. Quatre had given me a cane that I was supposed to use to get around with and I had promptly and very appropriately named it Stick. "C'mon, please? Everyone else is busy."

"So I'm a last resort?" He grumbled, getting to his feet.

That's how it was going to be, too. Heero's always seen right through me and all of my masks. He knew something was different in the bad sort of way but he wasn't going to mention it. Waiting was something he did better than anyone I knew. He guessed that I would tell him when I was ready. His silence on the whole matter was only tolerable because I knew it was better that way. If I was the only one who knew then I would be the only one to blame when I left.

"If you want to be gloomy about it." I retorted, whacking Stick against the doorframe as I turned around.

He grabbed the back of my shirt before I could leave the room and pulled me back. I let him. His forehead rested gently against the back of my neck, his hands barely touching my shoulder-blades and we stood like that for a moment before he spoke.

"Are you really okay?"

The concern in his voice gave my heartstrings a good, hard wrench but I forced a smile onto my lips and nodded. "I'm feeling better." When he didn't respond, I dropped my shoulders just the slightest bit and gave him my best attempt at an exasperated sigh. "Really. I just want a walk, all right?"

He shoved me forward and I stumbled half a step with a grin when he snorted amusedly. "Yeah, whatever." He didn't believe for a second that there was nothing wrong, but he let it drop. "Don't fall walking across the main room, they're-"

"Tearing up the floors and putting in a new one. I know. I'm blind, not deaf. You could have heard the racket they were making a mile away."

The walk was pleasant enough, all cards on the table. I've always loved being outdoors on Earth. I mean yeah- the colonies had climate (though it was controlled), they had grass and trees (carefully constructed by humans), they had wind, water, and all those things but… here on our planet things were different. Things were natural. Earth was alive like nothing else could ever be. Earth was Real.

Autumn had settled comfortably on the land. Everywhere we stepped leaves crunched and crackled. I remember the year when we were on earth for the fall. All the trees had turned the color of fire and sunsets, making delighted rustling noises as the breeze swirled through their tops. The skies turned a hazy golden color, clouds puffy and cheerful above us, crisp, clean air nipped at any available patch of skin, kissing it red with cold. I found that if I held the memory of what it had looked like in my mind I could almost see what my world would have looked like.

The colonies could never compare.

I enjoyed the time outside here, because I didn't know if I would ever feel it again. Heero, beside me, shuffled in companionable silence, though I could practically feel his eyes burning holes into my head as he patiently waited for me to tell him what was wrong. I never did.

You see, in my mind… I'd already made the decision. I had to go.

Returning to the house was harder than I had anticipated. My feet trudged more slowly, my body resisting what my mind had already decided. I stalled on the porch as I trailed to a stop, remaining there for a few more precious moments. Resting my hip against the wrought iron, I leaned upon Stick and closed my eyes. Heero's footsteps stopped in the doorway, waiting for me. As the wind coiled around me with icy fingers though, even his stare was forgotten. I let the promise of the coming winter cradle my existence in shapeless arms, whispering silent comfort through the tips of the trees. The city faded to background noise in the distance, insignificant in the great plans the universe lay before me in that moment. I wondered if I would miss all of that, everything I had ever known, or if the case would be that on the other side of existence would be something far more enrapturing than this life.

It was only when Heero lay a gentle hand on my arm that I was startled from my reverie. I don't know when I had begun to cry, but he had obviously been watching. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my freezing nose in the crook of his shoulder in a tight hug. He was warm and safe and… home.

If there was anything here to miss… it was Heero. I could only hope that in the end he would understand why I'd had to do it. Out of everyone he was the closest to being able to comprehend it. He'd been there. He knew.

After a hesitant moment, he returned my embrace, and we stood in the cold for several long minutes until I was ready to return to inside. I bade the outdoors a silent farewell and entered The House, Stick grasped firmly in my right hand.

"Back already?" Quatre called from the hallway.

"It's cold!" I whined, shrugging out of my coat. Heero snorted and took it from me without comment.

"Trowa's making dinner. Is it all right if everyone stays?"

My stomach felt like someone had filled it with rocks. Everyone? Here? For that whole time? "Yeah, I… Yeah." I sounded far more sure than I really was. "Does he need help?"

"Why don't you ask?"

Without responding, I swung Stick to my right until it gently clicked against the wall. Finding it with my hand, I followed it to the kitchen doorway and slipped inside. The pounding from the other room seemed to echo in a muffled way there, and I heard Trowa stop stirring something when I entered. A utensil clinked against what sounded like the side of one of our glass bowls, and then clattered inside the sink.

"Anything I can do?" What a crappy attempt to sound hopeful.

Something soft hit my chest and I reflexively grabbed at it, dropping Stick in the process. Momentary panic faded quickly as I discovered I was only holding oven mitts. Bending down, I felt around for where I had heard Stick fall, and picked it up again. I was confused, but very, very curious.

"Oven mitts?"

"Yes." He stated simply. "Take the casserole out when the timer chimes."

"From the oven?"

"Is there a problem?" Heero asked from the doorway behind me. His tone suggested that there had better damn well NOT be a problem.

"Heero…" Trowa took on a reprimanding tone, but I interrupted him before he could continue.

"It's fine. No problem."

There was a brief pause before Trowa picked up the bowl of stuff he had been stirring and I heard a spatula scraping the sides. I waited a moment to see what Heero was going to do, but he made no further protest. Without speaking, he walked to the counter and began chopping something. I settled myself quietly in a chair at the table while wondering if anyone else felt the tension. How could they not? It was practically thick enough to cut.

Of course, thinking that and listening to Heero hacking away at something on the counter brought a silly grin to my face.

The clock hanging on the wall broke the silence as it tolled six o'clock, scaring me senseless. Out of sight, out of mind, apparently. I was going to have to get used to hearing it chime on the quarter hours, or it would continue to startle me every time. I hadn't heard it much at all because I spent my time in my room- the only two places in the house you could hear it were the kitchen and the front room.

When he brought it home, Heero had assured me it was a beautiful grandfather clock, and that the melodies it played were perfect for the both of us. I hadn't given him an opinion when he asked if I liked it or not.

Truthfully, the clock made me sad. When I lived at the Maxwell church there had been a clock very much like this one- old, beautiful, and utterly haunting. Sister Helen had had to chase me away from it on numerous occasions, sure that I would find a way to break it. I wouldn't have dared- it was too dear to me. I loved the way it chimed. It tolled like in old western movies, when they hung the bandits at high noon. It tolled like the haunted clocks in ghost movies, eerie and moving. It tolled like death, and I loved it because it sounded exactly how I felt. It sounded like Shinigami incarnate.

This one was a miniature, jaded, copy but… its bells still gave me chills.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my heart and find a safe topic. "Have we taken Noin's van back to her yet?"

Trowa coughed, discretely trying to cover a laugh, and Heero's steady chopping halted. Wrong topic…? "Not yet."

"Don't you think we should?"

"Be my guest." He growled, his knife resuming its former pattern.

"Heero, that's-" Trowa started.

"I don't want to hear it from you." Heero snapped, the knife stopping again.

"Put it down." Trowa requested calmly.

Was he pointing the knife at **_Trowa_**? I began to panic. Suddenly wanting my hands free, I lay the oven mitts on the table. The chair squeaked shrilly as I stood. I don't know what good I thought I was going to do if they started a fight. I suppose I could have called for Quatre's help. God, I didn't want to always have to ask someone for help. Why were they acting like that?

"I'm going to my room." The words tumbled off my lips before I could think about what I was saying.

"Oh Duo, I'm sorry, we weren't-"

"Don't include me in that." Heero interjected scathingly.

"You know, removing that stick might help." Trowa snapped, clearly through with being interrupted every time he tried to speak.

"Please." I managed, before they could continue. "Please don't. Don't fight."

Gripping Stick tightly in my hand I made for the door, disappearing down the hallway. I was beginning to think that the house would not be as hard an obstacle as I originally thought. Someone jumped to the side as I swept down the hallway, but they didn't greet me. Footsteps picked up rapidly and jolted to a stop at the edge of the front room. I heard Quatre give quiet orders to leave me a lone, for which I was grateful.

I shut my door against the noise of people scrambling to get their work done before dinner, and felt for the edge of the bed. It was peaceful in the solace of my room. There was a split second where I thought that perhaps this wouldn't be so bad, that perhaps I could make it through the ordeal with my dignity intact. That ideal shattered when I fell over the side of the bed as I misjudged the distance. I couldn't see it ever getting better than stumbling around, stubbing my fingers and toes on every protruding obstacle.

Sleep had almost entirely claimed me by the time Quatre finally came to fetch me for dinner. I yawned, stretching out my hand to find Stick. I think I was becoming rather attached to that pole- it was the only thing that had been more help than harm so far. Padding softly after him, I joined the others at the table, greeting everyone with sleepy smiles in their general directions.

The casserole was good. Apparently Heero had been cutting up fruit, because several large bowls of fruit-salad passed through my hands. Trowa had been making some of the most delicious biscuits I have ever tasted and I snagged a second when I realized the basket was close enough again. One of the Maguanacs joked that I was a bottomless pit, but the joke fell flat when someone else mentioned that I hadn't eaten much of anything in days.

I chuckled somewhat tensely, wishing everyone would just relax. I hadn't suddenly become a completely different person just because I couldn't see. "You win some, you lose some." My tone was much lighter than my heart.

"Which room do you want to do next?" Quatre quickly changed subjects. "Yours, Heero's, or the bathroom?"

"Bathroom." I grinned. "I want it done as prettily as the front room is."

If I had been able to see them I would have reveled in the deer-in-the-headlights looks I could imagine them wearing. Just barely containing a laugh, I choked down a piece of fruit and listened to the shocked silence. Struggling to find some polite way of asking if I could see, Quatre made a few quiet noises before falling to silence again. I hear a snort of laughter from Heero, but it was so quiet I couldn't be sure if anyone else would have caught it for what it was. At least I knew one person had understood.

"Oh lighten up, the lot of you." I finally gave in. "I don't have to see the room to know you've done a bang-up job. Am I wrong?"

"N-no!" Quatre cried, obviously wanting to rectify the situation. "No, we've- It's really very nice."

"Very dark." Heero added solemnly. "Too much black for me."

"Heero," I said very seriously, "You can _never_ have too much black. There is no such thing."

"They could have used a better accent than bright green." He commented offhandedly.

"What?" I was too shocked to give a proper witty return. Quatre had used Deathscythe's colors to paint the front room. My throat was suddenly tighter than it had any right to be. I turned in Quatre's general direction. "Did you really?"

"Is that bad?" He asked timidly.

"No!" I said hastily, shaking my head to emphasize. "That's great! I wouldn't have thought about that. I bet it's nice."

It was a perfect opening for Quatre to begin to explain about his plans for the rest of the house. I settled back into my chair and let the new conversation wash over me as I quietly picked at the rest of my dinner. He had really thought this through and was planning everything so very carefully. Would I really be able to just disappear? Guilt crept over me, slowly, but it only seemed to further my resolve. Quatre was going through a lot of trouble that he wouldn't have to go through. It would be best, still.

A few minutes later, I turned my attention back to what was being said. Most of the Maguanacs were in deep conversation with Quatre about the house, and Trowa was adding comments here and there. Heero seemed to be the only other silent person, leaving me to wonder if he were even still at the table. Just when I was about to ask, he snorted disapprovingly at a suggestion.

I made some loud, mostly obnoxious comment about paint colors before returning to poking at my food. Heero was watching me, I knew. I could practically feel his eyes on me, observed the very motionless way he held himself, heard the lack of any sort of eating on his part. I berated myself for my behavior- I was being erratic and inconsistent. I wasn't acting like myself in the least.

It was all making Heero rather suspicious. He saw through the façade, the various layers I was wearing to keep everyone from guessing what was going on inside my head. To keep them from figuring out what I had planned. He knew. Maybe he didn't quite KNOW, know? But a part of him had already puzzled it out and it was NOT pleased with me. Not in the least. Still, there was a connection missing somewhere at that point so he let it slide in favor of finishing his food.

"Is it all right if we come back tomorrow?" Quatre asked suddenly.

"Yeah, sure." I replied, licking a strawberry to make sure that is what it was.

"It may be the last day we're all free for a bit."

"I know, that's fine."

"We may not be able to make it back."

I didn't get the chance to be upset for myself. "He said it was fine." Heero growled.

"I was just making sure." Quatre defended.

"Well now you're sure."

"Excuse me for caring. Some of us do." Quatre returned tartly, clearly displeased. Trowa shifted in his seat next to me.

Heero snarled something nasty, but I didn't catch what it was as I stood and spoke over them "Thank you for dinner. It was very good."

"Duo-"

"I'll be in my room." I ignored them both. My room was becoming a safe haven more than anything. I turned, walking out of the kitchen before anyone could protest.

I heard Quatre and Trowa take up with Heero, snapping quietly. Heero growled angry responses to everything they said. I couldn't make out a word of it, but I didn't like their tones and I knew they were discussing me. I wish they would stop fighting on my account. Things didn't have to be so different.

Everyone was so tense around me. Heero and Quatre especially. They had always held differing opinions, but I had never seen it come between them. Heero's most recent temperament was setting even Trowa, whom I **_know_** he cares for a _lot_, against him. It was all because of me. All the animosity was my fault. All I had to do was go away and things would be better for everyone.

Quatre caught up with me in the hallway. "Duo, wait." He pleaded, gently brushing my arm.

"Waiting." I slowed to a stop and turned to face him.

"Are you okay?"

Placing a skin deep smile on my face, I nodded. "I'm fine." I was really getting tired of being asked the same question every time anyone spoke to me. I was more tired of having to force myself to answer politely.

"I'm sorry for fighting. We're sorry."

"I understand." Because I thought I did. They didn't want to upset me.

"The guys are cleaning up and then we'll be heading home for the night.'

"Okay." My voice sounded a million miles away, like I was watching myself talk. It was an eerie sort of detachment.

I held out my hand, waiting patiently while he took a few tentative steps forward and hesitantly took it. I pulled him into a hug that he instantly returned. His worry was etched into every tightened muscle, every stiff movement he tried to smooth. I felt bad for being angry with him over the ordeal. I hated making anyone hurt, especially Quatre.

"Thanks Cat," I whispered sincerely, "For everything. You don't have to-"

"I want to!" He protested before I could finish. Pulling back a few inches, he took a breath. "It's nice to spend time with you guys without having to worry who we're going to have to kill next. Without worrying who is going to die." He finished gravely.

Panic welled up inside me. Did he know? Had he guessed? Would he- but I drew a breath of my own and calmed myself. Hopefully before he noticed, I had recovered. He couldn't know. He was talking about the war. Of course he was talking about the war. Our lives had consisted of little else.

"Yeah." I offered a nervous chuckle. It sounded forced, hollow, tinny to my ears but if he noticed he didn't mention it.

He gave me another hug and slipped away silently.

I retreated to the bedroom and walked carefully to the dresser. The wood was rough beneath my hands, though it felt as though it had been polished and beautiful a long time ago. There were smooth spots on top- just the right length apart for someone's hands. The previous owner must have spent a lot of time standing on front of it, hands splayed on those very spots. I wondered if they had been forced to give up the memories that came with the dresser when they sold it because I could almost sense the past when I touched the surface.

Reaching inside the top drawer, I pawed underneath the clothes and felt for what I knew was there. It was further back then I remembered putting it, and that irked me for some reason. I think I felt that someone had purposely moved it, like someone had found out and knew I still had it. The others still had theirs; I had no doubts about that. I pulled my gun from the drawer and made my way back to the bed.

There was only one place I could go where they wouldn't try to follow.

I shoved the weapon under the pillow and lay down to wait until I had heard everyone leave and Heero was asleep in his room.

He surprised me, however, by coming to my room instead. I should have planned for it, should have known that because he knew something was wrong he wouldn't leave me alone. He never had before and I don't know why I expected him to now. He stood in the doorway, most likely watching me as I lay, hands behind my head, legs crossed at the ankles. I made no move to greet him or otherwise acknowledge his existence. Maybe he would decide to leave.

With a little exasperated sigh, he took the two steps to the bed and kicked off his shoes, crawling up to the pillows as smoothly as if he did so every night. Neither of us bothered getting under the covers. I felt as if too much movement would ruin the moment. He hadn't come to keep me company at night since the four-hour shower mishap. I missed it.

Missing his company, however, did not keep me from panicking. If he was in the room it was going to be so much harder to leave. Not only would I now have to leave the room, which meant getting away from him, but I would be combating my own emotions the entire way. He had a way of doing that to me, whether he meant to or not.

"Goodnight." He whispered tiredly as his arm slipped around my waist, pulling me close. He buried his nose in the nape of my neck, breath raising a trail of goose-bumps down my spine. "Will you let me brush your hair out tomorrow?"

Tomorrow. I didn't want to think about tomorrow. I didn't want to lie. "If you want." I replied, whisper cracking just slightly. If he still wanted to brush my hair out tomorrow, who was I to stop him? I turned just slightly in his grasp, a motion of habit which would normally have allowed me to feel as though I were looking at him. "Heero?"

"Hn…?" His response was inarticulate enough to tell me that he was already half asleep.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, closing my eyes again and turning around once more. He tightened his hold on me, and I brought my fingers down to twine carefully in his. I didn't get a response as I lay there, trembling just the tiniest amount.

I listened to his breathing, eyes closed as I kept myself under control. I would have to wait until I could feel the tell-tale relaxation of his muscles before I even thought about moving. In the beginning of our time in the war, he had never really slept. We took shelter in safe-houses, our Gundams, anyplace that seemed remotely friendly and a few places that did not. Always, he would only allow himself a half-sleep, a slumber he could snap out of at a second's notice.

As we moved through the war, found better protection and longer times between attacks, I had seen him change. He relaxed, let himself sleep. Maybe it was for the best, maybe not. All I know is that when he finally brought down those ever-present barriers it only opened him up to the nightmares. He never told me, not outright, and we never spoke of them. After all… he wasn't the only one who had them.

I remember the first time I knew I wasn't alone. I had been sleeping quietly in my own room when I heard him thrashing, heard him cry out. Confused and worried that we were being attacked, I snatched up my gun and bolted across the hall to the other bedroom. There was only Heero, laying curled on his side, hands clutching the blanket so hard his fingernails had pressed through the fabric and into his palms. I stood there, dumbfounded, completely floored at his terrified expression.

Quickly enough I had come to my senses, gently setting down my gun and all but collapsing by his side. 'Never touch a Nightmare.' Sister Helen always told me when the other kids were screaming in their sleep, 'You can't tell if it will make it better or worse.' Her advice, although I suppose well founded, was not comforting. I knew what my own nightmares contained and I can't remember a time when I wished someone hadn't woken me. Heero whimpered, and I knew I had to do SOMEthing.

Stretching out close beside him, I cradled my head on my folded arm. Tentatively, I drew a finger down the bridge of his nose. He had fallen silent, seeming to relax just the slightest bit. His eyes squinched tightly and then ever so slowly cracked open the tiniest bit. In the moonlight from the window I saw him searching my face for an explanation. I only offered him a soft smile.

"I'm here." I whispered, running feather-light fingers down his jaw before meeting his eyes again.

That was the first time we slept curled up together, comrades in arms on more than one battlefield. We never spoke of what we dreamed, afterwards. We didn't need to. We both had our demons to worry over, and the support from someone else who knew what it was like was enough.

When my mind finally decided to return to the real, present day world, Heero's grip had become slack. I couldn't tell how long I had been thinking about the past. With a big intake of breath, I started to wriggle free. He twitched, but didn't seem to awaken when I stood. I splayed one hand on the bed and reached under the pillow with my left, feeling for my gun. Just as I had turned to find my way out of the room, Heero grabbed my hand.

'Ohshitohshitohshit' I believe were my exact thoughts. I stifled a startled yelp and twisted to look at him, gun whipped behind my back. Were the lights on? Had he seen it? Was he going to try and stop me?

"Where are you going?" He asked sleepily.

"Bathroom." I replied weakly, the first excuse that came to mind through the relief flooding through my entire body. It was a reflex. I leaned on the bed and stared hard at about where he should have been. "I think I can handle it without a chaperone." I said sarcastically.

He released my wrist with a snort, curling up again. "Fine. Getting cold."

I sidled as discreetly as I could out of the room, listening to him toss blankets around as he snuggled under them. I didn't want the last thing to come out of my mouth to be a lie. I had said I was going to the bathroom, and it would be a real shitty way to go, breaking my oath after so long. Without Stick, the journey seemed to take quite a bit longer than it should have.

I stood, leaning on the bathroom counter, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the huge mirror. From what I had seen the first time visiting the house, the mirror took up most of the left wall, a beautiful old iron frame wrapped protectively around it. The cold of the surface was seeping into my skin, chilling. I wondered… if I stood here long enough would death claim me? Would the gun be necessary at all?

My fingers tightened on the grip, dead weight settling in my stomach and making me nauseous. I couldn't do it. I had to do it. I wanted…

Fuck, it didn't matter.

I was going to do it.

Pulling away from the mirror, I reached over and flushed the toilet. Under the cover of its noise I padded softly into the front room, fingers trailing along the wall to guide me. Why hadn't I brought Stick?

Alone. I had to be alone.

I sat heavily on the new couch, appreciating its deep-set cushions. I absently ran my fingers over the soft material. The clock in the kitchen tolled for forty five after, though after when I wouldn't know for another fifteen minutes. It still sounded like the old Maxwell clock. I shuddered, retracting my hand so that both settled against one another on the gun.

Death couldn't possibly be as bad as anyone had made it out to be. This was on my own terms. It was my choice now. I was not on some battlefield with faceless enemies and cold machines screaming for death. Always for death. Someone always died. Machines didn't care who.

Could I really pull the trigger? I wouldn't be able to do something like take a knife to my forearms. I'm such a pansy when it comes to pain. It had to be something quick and effective. Something I would fear but wouldn't feel. My handgun, my baby. Colt .45. Beautifully deep black, smooth, the word 'Shinigami' engraved in elegant script on both sides of the barrel.

Shinigami. God of Death. I'd believed it at one time. That I held sole power over death itself. Hell, it had been true back then. The sheer number of people who died at my hands was staggering. It was insane. I was insane. So much blood, so many lives lost… One more life wouldn't make a difference. It could be my apology.

I closed my eyes, my stomach flopping over, tying in knots.

It's not like life from now on would be worth much. Woohoo, I could conquer maneuvering around my own house. So fucking what. I could learn to navigate the neighborhood, maybe even find a way to visit the city. After all of earth and space had been my domain for my entire life, two towns and a house became shitty restrictions. I didn't want that. I didn't want the pity that would come with it, either.

I couldn't even make my closest friends, my fucking _family,_ understand.

The cool metal was warming in my hands. Wistfully I bade it remain cold and lifeless a little longer. Stay a machine, so that it would not care whose life it took. My baby wouldn't want to know it was me. I didn't want to know it was me, I didn't want the reminder that I was still here.

The clip dropped into my hand, my fingers searching out the final bullet. One left, only one. Shoving it roughly back in, I grimaced. At least I knew I wasn't going to steel myself for this, only to find out it wasn't loaded.

My throat tightened and I forced myself to calm down.

The gun slipped back and forth between my hands by my knees. I had to go through with this, I was procrastinating. With a sigh, I drew the gun to my lips, placing my teeth gently around the muzzle. I tasted a metallic sourness mingled with gunpowder. When had I fired her last? Only a week ago? Seemed like minutes.

The clock struck midnight.

Fitting enough- it reminded me of the high noon hangings in the movies.

Midnight was death's high noon.

This was it.

"Don't."

The word startled me into nearly dropping the gun. My fingers hadn't found the trigger yet, or it would have fired. Heero was standing somewhere to my left, very close to the doorframe. I closed my eyes, silently begging him to leave and let me do this in peace. My nerves were already frayed; I didn't need him to be there, too.

"Have to." I replied forlornly around the muzzle. The gun felt like a dead weight in my hands. I could still pull the trigger before he got to me.

I heard him push away from the wall with a sigh. His footsteps echoed eerily in the dead silence. He trailed to a stop in front of me, gently reaching down to grasp my elbows. I let him pull me to my feet, protests lost as his hands traveled to my own. To my surprise, he pried only one hand off of the gun as he moved it to the side, away from me. He didn't take it.

I wish he had.

Pulling me close with an almost reverent air, he whispered something I didn't catch. His nose trailed all too lightly over my shoulder to the crook of my neck. His lips were over my collarbone, so very, very close to me and still too far away. I shivered when he spoke, his warm breath rolling over sensitive skin. No, I didn't have to hear him to know.

Love doesn't have a sound, anyhow.

Gentle fingers slid along my jaw and my breath caught in my throat as he pulled away, only a few inches. He was so close I could hear his heart beating, or maybe it was my own, I couldn't tell. Did he have to… god, my thoughts turned incoherent.

Our foreheads touched, just slightly. I knew he was staring at me, hoping to find some trace of denial, something that would tell him that I didn't want to do this. His hand dropped back to mine, caressing the soft back before our fingers twined delicately together.

"Don't." My resolve wavered at the plea.

"Heero…" I whimpered, trying to find a way to explain it to him. He had to understand. Of all people, he had to understand, he had to know, he had to… he…

He laid one single, tingling butterfly kiss from his eyelashes along my jaw as he moved his face down again, close to my shoulder, nose ghosting my throat. I shivered.

"Then… if you're going to leave…" His breath chased chills along my skin as he whispered, "Send me first."

He pulled away and his hands traveled to the gun, drawing it up along with my hand. I felt the barrel rest firmly against his skin, and I screwed my eyes tightly shut against what he wasn't saying aloud. What he was asking me to do. Telling me.

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

"Drop the gun or shoot me."

It was a simple choice.

I knew what he was doing. My breath was caught somewhere between my lungs and my lips, my heart frozen in its cage as if it, too, awaited my answer. I couldn't kill him, not after our past. Not after everything.

Drop the gun.

Pull the trigger.

We stood silent, neither daring to move first.

It was my choice.

"Fine." I choked.

A quarter past midnight, – one week after I hit that water – my world stopped.

The clock struck 12:15.

My finger flinched on the trigger when it tolled.

The gunshot was deafening, but it was nothing compared to the quiet thump of a body hitting the floor.

Oh God.

* * *

/**End Chapter Ten, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	11. Chapter Eleven

* * *

/**_So tonight… so I lied…_**

**_Are you the now or never kind?_**

**_In a day and a day, love,_**

**_I'm gonna be gone for good again_**

**_Are you willing to be had?_**

**_Are you cool with just tonight?/_**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

* * *

The gun fell from my nerveless fingers as I slumped to the floor, painfully jarring my knees.

I hadn't meant to pull the trigger.

Air stung at my wide, unblinking eyes as my face froze in an expression of utter disbelief.

I hadn't meant to pull the trigger.

My strangled, harsh breathing was entirely drowned out by the ringing in my ears.

I hadn't meant to pull the trigger!

The erratic heartbeat fluttering in my chest was almost painful as panic coursed through my veins.

I hadn't meant-!!

But I had.

I couldn't retract it now.

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat at the thought, clenching my jaw tightly as I warded off being sick. Why had he done that? He HAD to have known how jumpy I was. He had to have seen that I wasn't stable enough to have a steady finger. Had he expected me to shoot? My fingers scraped across the floor as I curled my hands into fists. My eyes tightly closed as I fought off nausea and battling to regain sense.

"H-Heero…?" I questioned dubiously, throat constricting painfully around the words. I desperately wanted to hear a response.

I was greeted with silence so deafening it hurt.

My jaw snapped shut and I berated myself for even trying to speak. Of course he wasn't going to answer me. He's dead. I god damned killed him.

After everything we had been through, everything we had survived… I was finally the one to pull the trigger. It was the ultimate betrayal, a knife in the back from a trusted friend.

I felt sick.

I could hear the voices whispering in my head again, mocking, taunting, jeering.

The one thing I cared about, the one thing that hadn't turned on me. The one person above all others I hadn't wanted to lose to the war… I had just lost to myself. A strangled noise escaped me, anguish eating away at my insides as I dropped forward, scuffing my palms against the floor. I tried desperately to draw breath but it seemed useless.

What had I done?

"Please…" I whispered hoarsely, curling in on myself as I fought off tears. I couldn't stop shaking. "Please don't let him be dead…"

I silently asked whatever deity would listen to save him. To please, just this once, ignore mortal law and let me keep him.

I hadn't prayed in years. Was anyone still listening?

I had never believe in God more than that instant.

Every fiber of my being froze as I heard him shift, just slightly, letting out a hiss of pain on a breath he had most obviously been holding. Hope surged through me and I flung out a desperate hand, wanting to find him alive on the other end.

I was so relieved I barely registered the tears.

He was still breathing.

I hadn't killed him.

He wasn't dead.

There was still a chance!!

He groaned and I felt him shift beneath my hand, pulling his ankle from my grasp.

At least for the moment there was still a chance...

Trying to keep him with me as I figured out what to do, I called his name again. I received a string of absurd obscenities in return, all involving me. I laughed weakly, my throat closing around a sob. He was well enough to mock me.

Perhaps he wouldn't die after all.

"Ksst… shit..." He hissed through clenched teeth. "Call a fucking doctor already. I'm bleeding all over the floor." His head hit the floor with a hollow thunk as he drew in another sharp, rasping breath.

"Where's the phone?" I asked quickly, voice squeaking.

I groped wildly toward my left, trying to remember if we really did have a phone. I didn't know how I was going to get a hold of a doctor this late at night, and telling me to look it up in the phone book was utterly useless. I couldn't have seen the number to call even if we had one.

"Cell phone." He ground out as I heard him shift again, turning onto his side, breathing curses. "Little cabinet top. To your left."

If I had been thinking, I would have thought of that myself. I fumbled sideways until I found the charger, prying off the little silver phone. Flipping it open, I carefully felt out the number pad. Just as I had started dialing, however, it rang. Startled, I closed the phone and opened it again, knowing I would never find the answer button in time. Who-ever was on the other end had better be able to help.

"Duo? What on earth happened? Is everything all right?"

Quatre.

He knew something was wrong.

Of course he knew something was wrong.

He always knew, even thousands of miles away.

Nearly dropping the phone, I tried to tell him everything that had happened all in the same instant, hoping that he would understand.

"Shot- Heero- clock- floor- kill- help!" I choked on a sob. My sentences had been better formed before reaching my lips.

I couldn't get out more than two words before I'd started having a breakdown. Maybe it was the presence of a calm, friendly voice, maybe it was the possibility that everything might be all right; maybe it was just another breaking point. Who knows? As soon as he asked me if everything were all right, however, I couldn't control my shaking hands or emotions.

"Give me the phone." Heero growled, shifting to slither close enough to take it. I deftly held out the phone, knowing he could easily reach. It left my grasp and I heard him relax to the floor again.

"Quatre? No, Heero. Duo was trying to paint the walls with his brain." There was an irritated pause, "No, I didn't stop him." He bit sarcastically as he coughed and shifted again. "He's fine, but he shot _me_ in the fucking shoulder." He drew in a harsh breath, speaking through clenched teeth. "Get someone down here? Thank you."

The phone beeped as the connection terminated and our breathing became the only noise. Panic and relief took turns washing through me as I tried to cease trembling.

I'd shot him, but _only_ in the shoulder. Barring the chance that the bullet hit anything vital, he probably wouldn't die. Probably. I clung desperately to the thought as the minutes ticked by. I'd almost made up my mind to speak again when the clock quietly tolled 12:30.

"Why…?" I croaked as the last notes died.

"Better me… than you."

The sirens shattered whatever else I had wanted to ask, and we waited for their arrival in silence. There was so much I wanted to say, yet I had never been at such a loss for words. There was still a fight in store, I could already feel it, but it hadn't been the time to start. I could have lost him and the fact that he was still alive made everything else pale in comparison. Eventually I knew I would get an earful from him and everyone else, but it didn't matter right then.

Noise and activity flurried through my front room and I soon forgot the world had ever been still. They took him almost as soon as they arrived. Following them out, I asked to be allowed to go with him. I was physically restrained. I resorted to begging and pleading, dropping to my knees in a refusal to cooperate when they refused to let me accompany him in the ambulance.

I felt numb, like I was watching it from a dream.

They released me only when the truck left, sirens screaming eerily in the dead air.

I retreated inside, throat sore from shouting pleas at anyone close enough to listen. As I sank into the couch I put my face in my hands and tried to gain control of the whirlwind of emotions raging through me.

When had I gotten so reckless, so stupid?

When had I gotten so… weak?

Suicide? What had I been thinking? I wanted an escape, yes, but there were better ways. Not only had I made myself look foolish but I had hurt the one person who really understood me. The one person who truly cared.

I groaned and threw myself back into the couch.

Great. Fantastic.

God, I was such a fuck-up sometimes.

I sighed and resigned myself to listening half-heartedly to the people entering and leaving the house. None of them seemed inclined to come close or talk to me and that was fine. I didn't want to talk to any of them anyway. I just wanted to wake up and find out that this had all been some horribly twisted nightmare.

No such luck.

The clock was chiming for one thirty in the morning by the time Quatre reached me. I heard him pound up the front walkway, freezing in the doorway with a gasp. After a moment he stepped forward once more and laid a gentle, trembling hand on my shoulder.

"You're okay?" He hesitantly sat down on the couch beside me.

"Alive." I croaked. "They took him when they got here." I didn't even know how much damage I'd caused. "Does it look bad?" With the way Heero snapped every time I had moved to help, I hadn't been able to discover anything.

He took a breath to survey the room before making an indistinct noise. "There's a lot of blood, and it doesn't look like there was an exit wound. No traces of a bullet hitting anything else." I heard the click of a light switch.

I winced. "The cops keep coming in and out, but they won't let me leave."

"I know." He said distractedly from close to the floor. I had to assume he was examining something.

"You know?"

"Yeah, I asked them to keep you here unless you needed medical attention." He sounded very nervous. My first instinct was to be angry with him, but I just didn't have it in me anymore.

"Probably for the best. I'd have gotten in the way. None of them would know how to deal with me." I sighed, getting serious again. "I gotta get down there, Cat. I didn't mean to shoot. I didn't. He doesn't know that, and I have to tell him."

With a troubled sigh, he got to his feet once more. "You really think it's a good idea to see him right now? He's probably going to be in surgery for them to get rid of that bullet. It could be a bad idea to try and talk to him after all this."

"It'd be a worse idea to not talk now. I've got to talk to him before he has a chance to think too much."

"Look," He said finally, taking mercy, "If you want, I'll take you there. Though with the line Noin was walking when I called… I think I'd prefer staying here…"

His dubious tone brought a weak smile to my lips. "Please, get me there. I owe him that much. Besides… she can have a crack at me now, with everyone else. Get it over with, y'know?"

The drive to the hospital flew past. Everything was happening so fast I was afraid I would miss something essential in a second's time. Quatre fiddled nervously with the radio, changing the stations every three seconds until I snapped at him to pick one and keep it. With a strangled noise, he ceased touching the dials just after turning it to an oldies station. Some tripped out teens from hundreds of years ago whined about lost love for a full minute before I smacked the controls and it began producing white noise.

I settled back and let the crackling, fizzy sound fill the air of the car.

Finally, something familiar.

Far from comforting, though.

I had seen too many people's faces disappear in a wash of white noise.

I hoped that I wouldn't have to add Heero to that list.

I just wanted it to be okay.

I pulled my thoughts together again when the car rolled to a stop. Leaping down from the seat, I slammed the door and walked to Quatre's side with my hand on the hood. He caught my arm and we walked inside as fast as was safe. I trusted him enough to believe he wouldn't run me into anything hazardous.

It wasn't until we were stepping out of the elevators on the fifth floor that we had problems. A gruff sounding orderly stopped us mid-dash and demanded to know just where we thought we were going. Quatre seemed to be at a loss for words and I felt compelled to step in and save the both of us.

"We're here to see Heero Yuy. He should have come in an hour or so ago."

I heard papers flipping and a growl. "He's in surgery. You can wait here."

"I'd rather wait in his room, if it's all the same to you." I quipped, trying my best smile.

"It isn't and you may not. Sit down." He snapped testily. I wondered if all the staff were this friendly or if someone had put something nasty in this guy's coffee.

"Look," I said, "We're going in whether you let us in or not. We're being polite enough to ask first. If you don't want to let us back, then we'll see that you are out of the picture and let ourselves back there."

The elevator dinged cheerfully in the tense atmosphere just before the doors whooshed open behind us. The orderly snorted triumphantly as the newcomer stepped into the waiting room with us and stopped a few feet away. I fidgeted nervously while I waited to discover who had arrived.

"Gerald, is there a problem?"

His tone was haughty and snide as he noisily shuffled some papers around. "Yes ma'am. These two were trying to get into the restricted halls."

"Were they now…?" Her tone was icy, making me wonder if she was really angry with us. Noin wasn't exactly the type to joke around a whole lot, but she did have her moments every now and again... "What have you two got to say for yourselves?"

"We're holding your van captive until you let us go." I offered hopefully.

"I don't want to hear your lip right now." She snapped a bit irately. Yep, definitely not happy with us. "You've caused enough trouble for ten people. Do you have any idea how long Miss Relena can keep someone on the phone? I had to hang up on her when Jane told me you'd arrived already. She's going to be furious and I'm going to have to deal with it."

"Sorry…" Quatre and I mumbled at the same time. I offered her general direction a smile. "I'll honestly have your van back soon." I gave her a miserable noise and turned to desperate measures. "Please Noin, please. Just let us back there so we can see him."

Sighing, she started heading past us. The tell-tale swish and beep of a security card being swiped told me that while she was not happy with me… she'd still let us see him. I am certain the orderly, 'Gerald', was miffed but I guess Noin had trained her people well enough that he didn't ask questions. We stepped through the door and set off down another hallway.

Military hospitals aren't very active in times of peace. I expect that only a few stragglers and stupidity cases like my own were still there. The distant sound of footsteps echoed eerily through the halls but the rooms we passed were curiously silent. If I didn't already hate hospitals, I would have started to right then. I was only too relieved to finally reach the room and take seats inside.

A quiet click told me that Quatre had turned on the lights, though I felt a pang of sadness that I couldn't tell if it made a difference. I settled into the uncomfortable chair and made the resolution that I would have Noin provide big, fluffy, comfy armchairs for any room the five pilots were to visit. Or maybe just me.

"The phone's over here. I'll give you a call in a bit and let you know what they tell me." Her tone had lightened only a small amount. "Try not to wander around. They'll remove you if you get caught."

"Hey Noin?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks." I smiled weakly, hoping she would just understand without an explanation. She had already done far more for all of us, especially me, than anyone should expect her to do.

"That's what friends are for." She said quietly, the anger melting. Her footsteps faded slowly.

It was hours before we got a call. The time spent waiting was hardly bearable. I fidgeted, bouncing my foot rapidly on the floor, wiggling my leg, fiddling with my fingers until Quatre snapped at me to take a nap or something. I laughed roughly, but stopped moving for a good ten minutes before I started pacing. How could he sit there so calmly? He was first to the phone when it finally rang, though, so I knew he was just as tense as I was.

"He's just going in?" He choked incredulously. There was a long pause during which his foot began to tap impatiently. "Okay, can't be helped. I'll go out to meet him. Thank you."

"What's going on?" I questioned, worried.

"Wu Fei's here with food."

I carefully controlled my urge to become sarcastic. "What about Heero?"

"Apparently they are just getting him into proper surgery. The sedatives were doing crazy things at first, but they seem to have gotten control of the situation. Nothing to worry about."

"I'll wait here; go get Wu Fei before he kills Gerald."

He left quickly and returned a few moments later with our seething friend. I managed a nervous chuckle as a sandwich was pressed into my hands. "I'll show _him_ restricted access. Totally unjustified restraint attempts, _women_ running things…"

"Hey, chill." I unwrapped the sub and took a bite. "You got through, right?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full." He huffed as he and Quatre unwrapped their own sandwiches. "I can't stay long…"

"Something going on?"

"Sally has been working to get the Preventers online. Unfortunately this little escapade has totally interrupted communications with Miss Noin. I was sent over to re-establish contact with this side."

"She made you bring us food, didn't she."

"Yes."

"Thank her for us." I grinned, picturing the scowl I was probably receiving.

We ate the rest of the meal in silence. Anxiety crept over me again as we waited. I hardly noticed when Wu Fei left, telling Quatre to call him when Heero was out again. Things quieted once more. My world narrowed to my very immediate surroundings.

I felt alone.

It wasn't that I had never been alone before. It wasn't that I had never had to wait in a hospital to see if someone I cared about would live or die. It wasn't even as if Heero had never been hurt before.

There had been waits much like this; battles gone wrong, ending in someone being grievously injured. On more than one occasion I was left thinking I was going to lose someone I loved again. Those waits were tense, wrought with worry and anger. So much anger directed at the enemy who would dare harm my friends. With everything else going on during those times, I had always been able to find something else to think about to pass the time.

It was impossible for me to do that now, to find a new target for my thoughts. This was different. This was worse. This was my fault. It hadn't been enemy fire that landed us in the hospital again. My mind wouldn't stop reminding me of what I had done, and how he could have been lost to me forever.

Eternity came and went and still there was no call, no sign that things had changed for better or worse. I had just about given up hope and decided to go on a hunt when I heard voices down the hallway. Trowa was speaking in his quiet, calm tone. A wheel squeaked irregularly as they approached.

"Trowa, breathe. I said I'm fine." Heero's growled reprimand was met with a sigh as several pairs of feet entered the room.

Awkward silence fell. No one moved. Quatre had risen, but he froze when they entered, holding his breath. I felt like everyone was waiting to see what Heero and I would do. How would we react to one another after the night's events? There wasn't anything that I could do to remedy the situation, no 'I'm sorry' that could reverse the damage I'd inflicted. If Heero chose not to forgive me after this, it would be a decision I couldn't dispute.

I don't know if I could handle that.

I shouldn't have shot. I shouldn't have been out in that stupid room in the first place! What if this was it? What if he just told me 'fuck off' and didn't want to talk to me ever again? Panic wrapped icy fingers around my heart and lungs.

Oh god.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything but valiantly ward off my fears and prepare myself to accept the worst. I could still walk out of the room with dignity. … Maybe.

Panic flared again and I took a sharp breath. Why was everyone being so quiet? Was it really that bad? Was he giving me a look so awful no one could find words? Was he searching for the best way to tell me to go away?

"Duo," Heero said quietly, interrupting my anxious thoughts, "You have to stop shooting me like this. It's not healthy."

My head snapped up, confusion rippling through me. "You're not mad?" I blurted incredulously. I could hardly think past the relief that flooded through me.

"Duo, none of us are angry." Quatre said patiently before anyone else could speak. "We've been worried more than anything."

"Disappointed, as well." Trowa interjected. "Why didn't you speak to one of us before trying to kill yourself? Surely there was something we could have done to help."

Unfortunately, he had hit the nail on the head. "That's just it!" I cried, hoping I looked as hurt as I felt. "I can do it myself, I don't always need help. I don't need any of you to feel like you have to do stuff for me!"

"We don't!" Quatre protested, though his tone was patronizing.

"Then act like it!" I snapped, frustrated. "I haven't changed since I lost my fucking sight, but you've all been treating me differently! Avoiding talking about anything you think might upset me, dropping your plans to come and keep an eye on me, talking to me like I'm a child who can't handle anything- I don't want any of that! Heero's been the only one who has treated me like he normally does!"

"Told you so…" Heero muttered huffily.

It was true. He hadn't let me mope and he certainly hadn't let me feel sorry for myself. Everything he did I knew he was doing to push me to fix it, to adapt, to learn for myself. I'm not sure the word 'coddle' was even in his vocabulary. I trusted him. I had faith that he, at least, would not betray me in that fashion. He was my friend, the best one I had.

Tonight only proved it.

He had taken a bullet instead of letting me get hurt.

He had saved me from my worst enemy.

He had saved me from myself.

I couldn't ask for more. There was no closer tie, no better display of friendship.

I caught myself before I could start crying again.

The others were silent, shifting nervously around me. I suppose they had considered everything I had said, but it had never really dawned on them until that moment. A part of me thought that was great, that I had gotten through. Another part of me felt terrible for snarling at them. They were still my friends, they deserved fair treatment…

"In or out!" Noin's voice demanded from just outside the doorway. "You may have all day, but I don't."

Someone shoved the wheelchair into the room, its wheel protesting in high, annoying pitches. They moved past me and helped Heero into the bed, ignoring his complaints.

"Sorry." Trowa apologized. He had been the one to move Heero.

"What are you doing?" Heero growled.

There was a suffering sigh from what sounded like an elderly man before he launched into a terse explanation. "Hold still if you know what's good for you. You've lost a lot of blood young man. You need some of that back." There was a quiet smack of skin on skin. "Don't touch that, you'll need that one, too."

"Why?" Heero snapped.

"Dehydration is a very serious threat. Leave it."

"But-"

"So?" Trowa interrupted, though it didn't stop them.

While Heero and the doctor bickered over whether or not he really needed a saline IV, Noin gave us the details of the surgery. "If he hadn't kept throwing off the drugs it might have gone faster. Even for this sort of surgery, seven hours is long," She said in a scowling tone, "But they assured me that they found all the fragments." She produced a rattling object that I learned was a bottle containing the bullet fragments.

Quatre whistled. "What happened?"

"As near as they could tell?" She turned. "He says Duo had the gun placed well, but it must have shifted when he pulled the trigger. It shattered his clavicle and then split into pieces."

"Eight of them, if I counted right." Quatre completed.

"It made a mess of his shoulder. From what I understand they had to piece together an entire section of bone around here," I couldn't see where she motioned to, and no one saw fit to explain, "and with muscle grafts on top of that after they went fishing for the last two pieces… Well, there was more than one shift of surgeons. He's very lucky none of the fragments hit anything truly vital. He'll still be smarting for weeks, though, and there's going to be scars, no help for it."

I put my face in my hands. "I'm sorry." I whispered hoarsely.

"Everyone out." Heero bit tersely.

I rose to follow the others out of the room, but Quatre laid a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe you should stay." He said softly. I had a feeling Heero had motioned for him to restrain me.

Noin was the last to leave, informing Heero (in a voice that clearly said that he should not need anything) that if he should need anything to use the phone by his bed. Then we were alone again, wrapped in unease. Neither of us moved, and I could hear his shallow breathing as he battled for a decent breath to hold a conversation. Fearing what he would say to me, I was greatly surprised at the gentle tone he used.

"Duo." He finally offered, "Come here."

I managed to get a hand on the edge of the bed without falling flat on my face, and then froze. He must have been lying against the headboard, because he moved forward and turned, slipping his legs off the side of the thin mattress. I jerked my hands out of his path, wondering if he just expected me to move. Confusion settled in a thick fog over my brain.

"Give me your hand." He said quietly.

Trembling just a little bit, I held out my hand to him, trying to figure out what he was going to do. Break my fingers? Twist my arm? I wouldn't have blamed him.

Ever so softly I felt him raise my hand up, drawing me closer. I twitched back, startled when my fingertips touched the rough bandaging all over his shoulder. He held fast. Shortly he replaced my hand and released me, fingertip resting gently on my elbow.

"You did this…" He whispered, as I ran my fingers over the cloth, feeling the faint, cool traces of blood that had already begun to seep through. Tears leapt to my eyes again as I closed them.

This was getting to be a very bad habit of mine, crying. "I'm sorry…"

So he did blame me.

I could apologize a thousand- no, a million, a billion, a trillion- times and it wouldn't change what I had done. I wanted to tell him how badly I felt, how I hadn't meant to do it, how I wished I could change the past so this need never have happened. There had to be a way to communicate how grateful I was for the care and loyalty he had shown to me tonight.

He had saved me and I shot him.

What a way to thank someone.

There had to be a way to tell him how much it meant to me.

I couldn't find strong enough words.

"Don't be…" Gently his fingertips touched my face, ran smoothly to above my eyes, and I closed them at the contact. "I did this." His voice was scratchy, the tone startling me into opening my eyes. Was he crying, as well?

Had I done something else?

Could I still fix it?

Was he-

In that instant, though, it was crystal clear.

I knew what he was doing, what he had done…

I blanched. How could he do that to me? Of all people he was supposed to be the one who understood! He was supposed to be the one who _wouldn't_ hurt me…

And now this.

He settled his hand atop mine, clearly waiting for a response.

I could barely breathe for the heartache.

He blamed himself for what had happened during the last mission. He truly believed it was his fault I was blind. He hadn't taken the bullet because he wanted to save me or because he was my friend. He helped not because he cared but because he felt obligated. He had taken it because he felt a twisted sense of duty, he felt as if he had a debt to repay.

He wanted to earn forgiveness with blood. It was just like that time, so very early in the war when he mistakenly destroyed a shuttle containing our allies. He offered revenge to all the family members, and every one of them had forgiven him, returned to him his gun.

In fewer words he had offered me the same choice.

But I shot the gun.

Accidentally, but I had.

I withdrew my hand, eyes narrowing. "That's what this is about, isn't it?"

He had used me.

Betrayed doesn't begin to describe how I felt.

He took a few breaths before speaking. "What?"

"God." I breathed, twisting around with a distressed, unbelieving noise. How could I have been so stupid? "I thought you were different."

"What are you on about?"

"You! If you want to punish yourself for something then… whatever; I don't think I could stop you. But don't use my hands to do it, especially without warning."

"It's my fault." He said reproachfully.

"Oh come ON! I don't blame you, I don't think it's your fault, and if you'd talk to me you'd fucking know that already."

"It _was_ my fault, Duo, and you know it. If I hadn't yelled you wouldn't have opened your eyes."

"You're right, I'd be dead. You didn't even give me a _choice_, a chance to consider WHY you wanted me to shoot you!"

"You had a choice!" I could hear the anger tainting his voice as he tried to keep it to a manageable level. "You didn't have to shoot."

"Don't even… You knew I wasn't stable but you did it anyway. You could just have easily of taken it away from me."

"Would it have stopped you?!" He snapped, "Would you have given up? You know better; you would have tried again later."

"You don't know that!" I shouted furiously, stepping away. Maybe it hurt worse because I knew he was right. I needed to leave, I needed to run. "Don't touch me!" I rasped when he made a grab for my wrist. "You should have said something. You're not alone anymore, Heero. You don't have to bear everything on your own shoulders. But you can't change, can you? You still think you've got to keep everything to yourself."

"Alone?" He choked, "_Alone_? You say I think I'm alone, but what about you? Who's running away now?"

"Would you want to stay here after… after…" I couldn't finish the sentence, didn't want to admit to a defect. Had the door been so far away when we entered?

"Duo, don't leave. You can't run from everything."

"I can run from this." I couldn't keep the hurt from my voice. "You were supposed to understand me. You were the only one who didn't make it worse. This? This is worse than anything anyone else could have done." I hissed, reaching the doorframe.

"Don't you fucking walk out that door, Duo Maxwell." He threatened. I could hear the fear underneath the anger. Fear that if I left I wouldn't return.

"I'd like to see you stop me." I whispered. "Don't bother coming h-" I choked on the word home, and tried to recover, even though I knew it was too late for him to think I'd not changed what I was going to say. "Don't come back."

I tripped over my own feet as I bolted through the door. Behind me, he called my name twice as I maneuvered past a trolley that threatened to take up the entire hallway. Ignoring the plea, and all the curses that followed it, I staggered onward.

Furious.

Confused.

I toppled another obstacle, anger only slightly satisfied with deafening clatter that echoed in the cramped space. I stumbled roughly over the mess, cutting my hand on something as I reached for stable ground. Sinking to my knees I cradled my injured palm against my chest with a sob. No tears, just raw emotion choking me.

Hurt.

Used.

He manipulated me like he manipulates everyone else. I'd played the fool in his game. I had walked right into it as if I had been aware the entire time. As if I knew why.

Betrayed.

Lost.

He'd done this before and once he'd tried to explain to me why.

After he had self destructed, leaving everyone's emotions in shambles… months had passed without word. When he finally returned, walking through that door and giving me a tired, confused smile… I hadn't known what to do. Leaping off the couch I'd been reading on, I caught him, holding him tightly as he started gibbering nonsensically. We collapsed slowly to the floor and I rocked him gently until he could finally tell me what had happened.

He had offered his gun to all the family members of the alliance members he murdered. In his quiet, reserved way he had begged each of them to release him from his guilt. Not one person would.

His story had left me shaking, fearing for his life. How many chances was that for me to lose him, over and over?

It's hard to explain. I made a promise to him that night… I told him I would promise to stay as long as he needed me to if he would just promise not to ever do that again. I forced him to promise he wouldn't put his life so blatantly into someone else's hands, not for such a trivial reason. Not unless he trusted them entirely…

And we'd both broken our word tonight.

If true becomes false, was it a lie all along?

Had I lied?

Oh god.

It wasn't a lie when I said it.

It wasn't.

But…

It was now.

It would be if I left it alone.

I had to get back, I had to-

Fuck. I was lost. I hadn't kept track of where I'd rampaged. Now I had no clue where I was, much less how to get back to his room. A streaming litany of curses filled the formerly peaceful hallway as I struggled to my feet and attempted to keep my hand from touching anything that would make the laceration worse. Right, the first thing to do was get up. Then I could worry about turning around…

Crap. Which way had I come from?

I collapsed back against the wall with a solid thump, dripping to the floor with a strangled groan. Resigning myself to dying in a god forsaken military base's hospital hallway, I closed my eyes once more. Just as silence as deep as death had settled, I heard someone down the hall.

Quatre.

He was close.

I shouted back, pushing myself away from the wall with my bad hand. Ignoring the pain that flared and the fact that I had probably smeared blood all over the wall, I shouted again. Footsteps approached and rounded the corner. Quatre was breathing hard and he slapped a hand against the wall before taking a deep breath.

"What on earth are you- Duo, your hand!" He squawked, stepping closer. "Heero called to say you'd taken off in a fit! I'd have thought you'd have more sense than to go wandering into unfamiliar territory."

"Oh, shut it. I don't need it from you, as well." I snapped irritably, jerking my hand out of his grasp. "Just take me back."

"I don't know if that's the best idea," He soothed, taking my hand again, "Heero's very-"

"I don't care!" I snarled, snatching my hand back and bringing it close to my chest. "We need to talk and we need to talk now."

"I think it would be better if you spoke after he gets back from- Oh!" He squeaked. I hear him take a step away from me.

"Back?" I asked in a deadly, curious tone. "Where is he going?"

"Now Duo, don't be cross with him… It's really not his fault. Miss Relena called and she asked that he stay with her while he's healing. She doesn't want him staying with you right now, after all this, and we all agreed it would-"

"He's going to live with her? I didn't bloody well agree to anything like that!"

Shit, he was going back to her? After everything that had happened?

Weren't we past that yet?

"Well now, you wouldn't have to, would you?" He quipped tartly. "Did you still want to talk to him?"

"Yes." I spat grudgingly. "I'll be damned if he makes a liar out of me over this."

I couldn't believe he was going back to her.

She hadn't been the one who convinced him to open up, to live.

I mean… when I had first gotten close to Heero he had been more machine than human. Everything had an order, everything had a procedure; everything had a plan. Set up. Do. Rinse and repeat- even if he didn't want to do it. The first time I moved his toothpaste from where he'd put it the night before I thought he was going to hyperventilate. It was like that for ever aspect of his life including anything between the two of us. I pushed and pushed and he pushed right back, and we never got anywhere useful.

I don't know what changed in him. Maybe one day he just up and decided the day would be different. Maybe something finally snapped. Maybe he had just made a plan and set it up to carry out. Who knows? But when he appeared in my doorway, glaring at me as if I'd moved something else, I hadn't been in a mood for dealing with another argument. He wasn't there for an argument, though. Not that night.

He had better plans.

I remember the tremble in his voice as he asked if it would be alright for just a night. He had to leave in the morning, and he didn't know if he was going to be back. Ever. One night stands weren't atop my 'Things I Love' list- I tend to get attached too easily. In a war though, you take comfort where you can and you never really believe you'll be around to deal with making ties afterward. Goodbye wasn't so hard to say if you barely had time to say hello.

In the back of my mind I had always held out hope that maybe we could be more than 'just tonight.'

But if he was still running back to her at the end of the day… then I guess not.

When we reached his room I could hear him throwing things at the walls. That didn't bode well for an attempted apology. Quatre stilled my movements and took a few steps closer, lying against the doorframe with a rustle. Sound stopped when he loudly called Heero's name and there was a grumble of acknowledgement from within.

"Duo wants to talk with you…"

"Oh well. I don't want to talk to him."

"Oh, take the stick out already!" I hollered, finding my own way to the entrance. "I wanted to come back and apologize, but I guess if you'll be going away it mustn't have gotten to you that badly."

"What are you talking about?"

He knew damn well what I was talking about, and I wasn't about to explain it to him. "Does anything hold meaning for you? Or is everyone just a toy, just a pawn for you to play with, to sacrifice for your own ends? Should I warn Relena?"

"You leave her out of this!" He snarled. "She's got nothing to do with it."

"Doesn't she?" I hissed. "Doesn't she just have everything to do with it?"

"Duo." He was clearly losing patience. "Whatever drugs you are on, quit. She didn't do anything."

"You're always running away to her." I accused, biting back a pang of jealousy. I had no right to govern where he could and could not run. "Do I even mean anything?"

Or was I still 'just tonight?'

The words hung unspoken in the air, but I knew better than to think he didn't know what I was talking about.

"Don't be like that." He reprimanded. "You know better."

"You're right. I do know better." I sighed. "I mean, it wasn't supposed to mean anything after the war finished. It was half my rule anyhow- I shouldn't be surprised. I should have expected it."

"No one made ties during the war, Duo." Quatre intervened, clearly taking a stab in the dark at what I was talking about and trying to smooth over the argument. He was a diplomat for a reason, I reminded myself. "Not everything is just handed to you. Sometimes you have to work for something you want."

"Give it up." I snapped at the same time Heero snorted 'Mind your own business.'

I can imagine the affronted look he gave both of us.

"Look, I'm sorry."

"Don't bother." He cut off whatever else I had wanted to say. "You're right, so don't bother."

"We're leaving." Quatre all but shouted, seeming to have enough of us arguing. Or maybe he was cross about being snapped at… He grabbed hold of my arm with an iron grip. "Now!"

"What do you mean I'm right?" I hissed around the lump in my throat, ignoring Quatre entirely and bracing my feet against being dragged away. He wasn't answering. "I'm not leaving. Don't you ignore me!"

"I'm not."

"I'm not leaving." I repeated angrily. "You may have broken your promise and left your life in someone else's hands, but I'm not walking out that fucking door until you tell me it's all right. I won't be a liar, not even for you."

"Get out." He intoned coldly.

"What?" I choked. Quatre dragged me another two feet in my confusion. "What did you say?"

"I said get out." He growled, throwing something soft my way. "Just leave. You always do."

Managing to finally shake Quatre off, I scowled. "That's uncalled for. I'm there when I need to be there." I could feel my self-control failing me, could feel the anger rising.

"I don't need you."

I swallowed hard, trying not to let it hurt. Quatre interrupted, pleading. "Please, can we just go? Can we leave, please, no fighting right now…"

"Quatre, just go." I turned toward where he should be. "I'll find you."

"You can't even find the door." Heero tossed scathingly.

My jaw clenched, muscles jumping tensely at the remark. I made a noise somewhere between a snort and a strangled sob as I shook my head. Of all the things he could choose to say, of all the hurtful things he could have tossed at me he had to tear at the most recent and painful of them.

"I hate you." I whispered before I could stop myself.

I drew a sharp breath at the same time as Heero, floored at my own words. I certainly hadn't meant to say that. My fingers flew to my mouth as I took a step backward, shaking my head as if I could deny what I'd just said. Quatre stood behind me, his tension evident in the hand he gently grabbed my wrist with. Heero was silent.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Just go." He breathed at last.

"No, Heero I- Quatre, please, let go! Heero, I didn't mean that, please- Quatre!"

"You're both acting without thinking." He said firmly, though I could tell he didn't want to contradict me. "You're tired, you're hurt, and you're lashing out at each other. I'm not going to stand here and watch. Duo, you're coming with me, and Heero, you're going to sleep."

"But I-"

A sharp tug on my wrist gained a startled yelp. "You're coming with me." Quatre snapped. The sound of the bed shifting made him almost drop his grip. "You stay right there and sleep, do you understand me?!"

I'd never heard him raise his voice like that, especially not to his friends. My face flushed as I realized just how angry he must have been with us. I could hear the lump in his throat and that, more than anything, loosened my legs into leaving. There were a lot of people that I could easily hurt without remorse, but Quatre was not one of them.

I grabbed onto the doorframe as we passed it, turning to face the room once more. "I'm not running away." I said with a finality I didn't feel.

"Later." He promised hoarsely.

And then we were gone.

The freezing night air helped to revive me, pulling me out of shock. The words 'I don't need you' echoed hollowly in my ears, even over my own heartbeat. The car seemed to be a million miles away but we were there before I realized we were walking. Quatre was addressing me in a sharp tone, something about 'how could I' and 'wasn't I thinking?'

No, I wasn't thinking.

I didn't want to think.

I was home before I noticed we'd been driving.

"Hey?" I asked quietly as he turned to go to his own house.

"Mm?"

I bent my head just slightly, closing my eyes. "I made a real mess of things, didn't I?"

"Yeah. You both did. Hopefully it's not beyond repair."

Sighing, I opened my eyes again and looked skyward. It was all the same, horrible pitch black. Empty. "Cat, what's the sky like?"

He scuffed his foot on the ground and I could picture him looking upward with me. It was peaceful, standing there with him, listening to him breathe. "It's pretty clear right now, just wispy clouds and blue skies. The colonies are bright. They seem a lot closer now, I think."

"We saved them, didn't we?"

"I think we all saved each other."

"Eh?"

"We saved the colonies, but they saved us, too. They kept us human."

None of us really belonged anywhere, but the colonies were the closest thing to 'home' we'd ever known. They had started out as our reason for fighting. Instead of following through with the real Operation Meteor we had chosen to fight for them. We had chosen resistance instead of slaughter. We had taken our humanity and run with it.

If nothing else, I had never lost that.

"I guess they did." I agreed thoughtfully.

"I'll call tomorrow and let you know what the deal is. You want me to send someone over to help?"

I wished very badly to tell him no, I could do it on my own. However, I knew I couldn't. "Yeah, if you want."

Lying curled on my side in the bed later that night, I stretched my hand to where Heero had slept so peacefully beside me only the night before. It would be the last time for a long time that I would let myself go, let myself feel. I didn't even attempt to stay collected. By the time sleep claimed me my pillow was thoroughly damp with tears, and my heart felt like a gaping hole in my chest… but I was left with a sense of hope that things could only get better.

After all, there's only one way to go when you hit rock bottom.

But that was for tomorrow.

Tonight… I could cry.

Just for tonight.

* * *

/**_Here's to the nights we felt alive_**

**_Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry_**

**_Here's to goodbye_**

**_Tomorrow's gonna come too soon…_**/

* * *

/**End Chapter Eleven, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	12. Chapter Twelve

* * *

/**_I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

* * *

Trowa stood silently in the doorway of the hospital room, observing me. There were no words that could convey any portion of the emotion shredding my insides. My throat had closed on itself, making it hard to breathe. Even if I could have found words I could not have spoken them.

Why? Why had he said that?

'_I hate you._'

I tensed where I sat with my back pushed against the headboard, knees curled to my chin. My stomach felt as if it had dropped out as the words echoed hollowly in my memory. I couldn't focus on anything. Everything blurred and wavered as my gaze slid around the room again.

He was really gone.

Trowa cleared his throat and entered. He dragged a chair with him as he walked, setting it backwards against the end of the cot. With an appraising glance he lay his arms on the back of the chair and rested his chin on them as he sat. I felt like he was looking right through me, as though he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Rough night?"

"Shut up." I groaned. I buried my head in my arms as I folded them over my knees. "And no, I don't want to talk about it."

"Fair enough." He agreed neutrally, though I knew him well enough to predict that he wanted to understand what was going on in my brain. "Relena wants to know when to expect you."

I snorted, not bothering to look up. "She shouldn't." Fuck Relena. I didn't want to talk to her right now, either. I couldn't fathom what Duo had been fired up about earlier, but he seemed to think that it was her fault.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and alarms went off in my head like mad. I looked up, snapping a sharp glare in his direction. I received a sympathetically raised eyebrow accompanied by an immediate break in eye contact. "Not an option."

"What?" I growled.

"She spoke to Quatre and we all agreed that it would be best if you went to stay with her for a while. Until everyone calms down and this blows over."

Realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Calm down? How could I?! Behind my back they had agreed about my living arrangements. Duo must have heard before me. They couldn't have told him that I didn't know or he wouldn't have reacted so sourly. It all made twisted sense now. I had to correct his views before anything else went wrong.

"This _won't_ blow over unless I go back and fix it." I began worriedly, uncurling and starting to get down from the bed. "I'm going to call him."

"It will have to wait." He stood to stop me and we both paused.

"Trowa-"

"Don't start." He warned. "Enough is enough. You two need a break from each other. He needs some adjustment time. You need some cooling off before you're ready for life. Besides, they just left so they won't be back yet."

I gave him a scathing glare but as usual got no reaction. After an intense scrutiny I decided that he wasn't going to back down about this. With a sigh I dropped my gaze to my hands. I would have to trust Trowa's judgment, at least for the time being.

"So I'm just supposed to go to Relena's and do nothing?" I whispered, "What about-"

"You can't do anything productive while injured. You can go back to Duo's when he says it's all right."

I choked on my protest. When he said it was all right? Had he said that it wasn't all right? When Quatre had dragged him out he still wanted to talk. I had to go back to the house and explain. I had to make up for everything. He still wanted that, right?

'_Don't come back._'

He hadn't meant that.

'_I run, I hide, but I never lie._'

Wasn't that his mantra?

'_I hate you._'

Oh God.

I fell back against the flimsy hospital pillow, closing my eyes and containing a sob. Trowa sighed, a sound that brought a grimace to my face. He gently returned the chair to its original position. I heard the click of the phone and opened my eyes to see. Cradling the receiver between his ear and his shoulder, he dialed a number off a slip of paper he held.

"Who are you calling?" I demanded wearily.

"Noin. Then Relena."

I settled back with a roll of my eyes. Choice was not something I seemed to have anymore, especially not with anything pertaining to my life. The static crackle of the voice on the other end was audible even across the room. Trowa murmured agreement at the appropriate times before politely asking when I could leave.

I allowed my thoughts to wander away from my companion.

I couldn't believe this was happening. When had things gotten so royally screwed beyond recognition? The war had ended, just like everyone had always planned. We had survived, just like we had never planned. I should logically exist on my own terms. There was a certain measure of control over my life that I was supposed to be entitled to upon the final cease fire. So where was it?

Duo was gone.

He had walked out the very same door that stood so innocently to my right side, filtering a pale white glow into a rectangle on the floor. He wasn't coming back, at least not here. Apparently I wasn't going back to him, either. Time I didn't have was being neatly arranged in a pattern I didn't condone. There was only so short a period during which I would be able to talk Duo into forgiving me.

Yeah, forgiving me.

I thought about what he said the first time he stormed out of the room. Without someone telling me how to live I didn't know what to do with myself. I had been well trained to be a tool but I didn't learn much else. My lack of proper social skills had never deterred Duo from trying to teach me, trying to be my friend.

_More than **just** a friend._ My conscience reminded me.

Way more.

I didn't know what we were, honestly. Things always got so confused and Duo had always insisted that there were some things that couldn't be defined. He said they didn't _need_ to be defined to exist.

It's true, I know that now.

During the war we had been defined. Afterwards… our definitions were stripped from us in a moment of poorly timed neglect. We had only one another left to define ourselves.

And now I didn't even have that.

Finally Trowa placed the phone back on its cradle and turned to me, catching my wandering attention. "Is tomorrow morning soon enough?"

I nodded glumly. Now that the excitement seemed to have passed, I was feeling an acute sense of fatigue. I knew the feeling was a result of blood loss coupled with the drugs they had given me. Already the bandages wrapped around my shoulder were slowly blossoming with blood red. All the throwing I had done must have stressed the stitches more than they could take. The doctors would be furious but I didn't have the energy to care.

Trowa turned back to the phone to make a second call.

I had to find something to focus on before I let myself drift off to sleep.

Lazy golden sunlight had crept into the room and onto the bed. The little clock on the wall declared that it was just past one in the afternoon.

When had I gotten here?

Everything seemed jumbled around. I was having trouble grasping any single thought for more than a few seconds. It was one now, and… how long had I been here? Seven _hours_ of surgery, had Noin said? My shoulder throbbed as if to confirm the thought.

I listened blearily to Trowa talking on the phone, wondering if he had indeed called Relena. Fighting tooth and nail to stay awake, I rubbed at one of my eyes as it again threatened to close of its own accord. I attempted to ward off a yawn but failed miserably. It result in watery eyes and a deep wish to roll onto my side and sleep until everything had passed me by. Sheer will power was keeping me from doing just that as I waited to hear what was being decided.

Trowa hung up for the second time and sighed. "Pagan will come to collect you tomorrow morning."

I nodded and the world spun just a bit. I tried to tell Trowa that I wanted to call Duo before the morning, but it came out sounding garbled. I received an odd look before Trowa seemed to float out the door and disappear. I rolled over and allowed my eyes to close.

When I woke the sun was low in the sky but the air didn't feel like night. The light that filtered into my room was blue with dawn, not dusk. I closed my eyes again, trying to orient myself as the events of the previous day washed over me. Sorting through everything that needed to be sorted through was going to be incredibly difficult.

Luckily I didn't have to wait long before Trowa arrived. This time he was accompanied by a nurse who looked frightened out of her wits. She stepped gingerly across the room and picked up the tube of my saline IV as if it were going to come alive and nip her.

I took pity after several agonizing moments of watching and stopped her trembling hand with my own. She flinched, meeting my gaze with frightened eyes. I offered her a weary smile.

"I won't bite."

She stared at me a moment longer before slipping her hand from mine and breaking the stare. "I-I know, sir." Without much more difficulty she managed to insert the syringe into the valve to administer a dose of those damned drugs. "I'm n-new here and since the war is over I-I didn't expect-" She cut herself off and gave me a nervous smile. "You're a gundam pilot, aren't you?"

I felt like someone had twisted a knife into my chest at the thought.

Cold washed into my veins as the drug hit, drawing my attention to my arm before my mind could wander down that depressing road.

"No." I bit bitterly. I felt guilty when she cringed. "No," I explained in a softer tone, "Not anymore. No more war means no reason to pilot."

"Let's hope there won't be a reason ever again." She agreed gently, removing the syringe. "You're ready to go as soon as I get these out."

"They want you back in a week." Trowa informed me as the nurse began to remove the IV's. "Pagan's out front waiting."

My free hand fluttered to my shoulder suddenly, my eyes following. The bandages were clean and brilliantly white. They must have changed them sometime during the night. That also meant that they had drugged me first so that I wouldn't wake up and cause a fuss.

"All set!" The nurse proclaimed cheerfully. I could tell she was still nervous as she quickly excused herself from the room, leaving us alone.

I shrugged on my clothes, thankful that I still wore that old green tank top. My jeans presented more of a problem to put on with one hand. I hopped around the room on one foot, clad only in my tank top and boxers while trying. Trowa laughed for a good few minutes before relenting and coming to rescue me. I gave him a sour look as we finally walked out the door.

"Glad to see I amuse you."

"Heero, you don't amuse me." He snickered. "You doing the pants-dance amuses me."

I scowled.

Pagan was waiting silently outside the back door of Relena's car. She had decided to have it painted the less conspicuous color of a deep Prussian blue about a year ago. The pink had made the car a very distinguishable target, too unique for people to pass up taking a shot at. Duo suggested that she had ulterior motives for painting it the particular shade that she did. He said that it matched my eyes perfectly.

As neither Pagan nor I speak much, the ride was uneventful. The countryside rushed by outside my window but I wasn't really seeing it. I simply allowed myself to sink into the seat, resting my head against the back of it. My mind was curiously blank for most of the ride. If I thought of anything it was only of how tired I was.

Even though I had made it clear that I didn't expect to see Relena for a very long time, I hadn't even been away for a full week and already I'd be living with her again. Without even getting out yet I knew I was in trouble.

The manor was as beautiful as always. The original building had been destroyed almost a year ago and people from the surrounding cities had practically swarmed over offering to help rebuild. Now the manor lounged amongst the bright, sprawling grounds, a testament to the peoples' ability to unite and create even in dark times. I let my eyes roam over it to land on the lone figure on the front steps.

It was really the last thing I needed to see right then.

She was waiting for me, looking irritated and relieved at the same time. She is the only person I know who can successfully pull off those emotions in the same expression.

My eyes flew skyward in an instant of despair before I grasped the door handle and clambered out. She shouted something to me the moment I was free of the car but I didn't catch what. I didn't really want to deal with her, not when I was angry. I started for the manor, brushing past her without a greeting.

She struck out and grabbed my good arm, yanking backwards to effectively halt my progress. I winced, remembering that I had taught her how to stop someone by doing just that. With a weary sigh I turned to face her, presenting an irritated glare.

"What?"

"Don't you take your pissy mood out on me, Heero." She ordered tersely. "I think I'm entitled to a polite greeting. At the _very_ least."

I gingerly pulled my wrist from her grasp and was fixed with a glare that rivaled my own. She had learned much from knowing our group of pilots. Unfortunately for me, everything the war had put her through had made her unafraid to use that knowledge.

"Hello Miss Relena." I bit with distaste.

"Allow me to reiterate. I get a worried phone call at three in the morning telling me that you've let yourself get _shot_. I wait **nine hours** for a _return_ call to learn that you've finally made it out of surgery alive. I offer you a safe haven for as long as you wish to stay. Do you want to that try again?"

I groaned. It wasn't that I minded staying with her. I minded the fact that the arrangements had been made without my consent. At least some of the problems between Duo and I had been caused by this lack of forethought. However there was not much she could have done to prevent that so a part of me knew that it wasn't her fault. I really was being unfair.

"I'm sorry. Thank you." I amended wearily.

"I suppose that's the best I can hope for right now." She rolled her eyes and began heading up the steps. "Are you hungry?"

"A little…" I admitted as I followed her.

Of course I had to recount the entire night for her while enduring the most stern and disapproving stare I have ever received. The lunch was some kind of very bland meat and cheese sandwiches. Something I'm sure was devised so as not to upset my stomach by conflicting with the drugs. She allowed me pauses in storytelling long enough to take bites but it was impossible to dodge the matter entirely.

I wouldn't have expected less from her.

"I can't believe you let him shoot you." She responded when I finished. I had successfully avoided telling her about the fight Duo and I had gone through when I returned to my room.

"What else was I supposed to do?"

"Let me think…" She clipped sarcastically, "Take the gun away?! What were you thinking?!"

I just barely stopped myself from letting my eyes roll. "I was thinking that if I simply took the gun away it would stop him for the night. It wouldn't stop him from trying again, sometime when I couldn't intervene."

She studied me intensely before shaking her head. "You're right." She agreed finally. "You're right. Duo is persistent if nothing else."

What an understatement.

Picking at the remaining half of a sandwich, she sighed. I could tell that it was bothering her a great deal but I imagine she didn't want to upset me. In retrospect this was probably a good idea on her part because I know that if she had started getting upset I would have followed suit almost immediately. Finally seeming to decide on a safe topic she looked over to me.

"Are you going to take the room you usually do?"

I raised an eyebrow curiously at her suggestive tone. "Did you have a different one in mind?"

She smiled cheekily. "Mine." At my dry look she rolled her eyes and stood, placing her cloth napkin on the table beside her plate. "Don't give me that look. It's not like you've never done it before. It would just be easier to keep an eye on you since it is closer to everyone else. If you'll kindly remember, yours is all the way at the other end."

"And I chose it for a reason."

Sometimes I wish I had the forethought to stop myself from speaking before I say something really stupid. Relena looked as though I had just handed her the best present ever. In a way I almost had- I didn't leave myself open to teasing very often.

"Because of the giant bathroom with the Jacuzzi tub!" She giggled. I hate when girls giggle. "Do you remember the time the intercoms were broadcasting randomly?"

I gave her a dull look as I excused myself from the table. "I try not to."

That had been a most amusing incident in the least amusing of ways.

Duo, Quatre, and I had taken shelter at Relena's manor during a torrent of wild electrical storms. A small band of OZ terrorists, working without permission from their superiors as we later discovered, had found a way to alter the weather patterns in certain areas for short periods of time. This particular series of storms had incapacitated our gundams a few miles from her estate and we had trudged our sorry asses over to drop in unexpectedly.

Relena was nothing short of understanding, although she asked that we entertain ourselves until the storms had passed. A small delegation of visiting peace officials had been unfortunately trapped at the manor as well. There was no coming or going except by foot until the storms abated.

Quatre thanked her profusely for us and we retreated to the far end, away from the fuss of negotiations. He told us that he was going to try and set up some sort of communication. That way if the storm subsided for even a few seconds he might be able to get out a transmission to let everyone else know we were still alive. Duo wished him luck and waved as our friend disappeared, locking the door against unwanted intrusion.

"So now what?" Duo had asked me cheerfully, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Even soaking wet and exhausted Duo seemed to be full of restless energy. It was still early evening and if I knew him he wouldn't even think about sleeping for hours yet. I sighed wearily and headed for my own room, containing a groan when he decided to follow me.

"I'm going to sleep."

"Sleep?!" He squawked indignantly, as if I had just suggested we go rape small children. "How can you sleep?"

Somehow he managed to slip into the room with me before I could close the door. I fixed him with another irritated scowl before turning to walk to the bathroom. "We just dropped out of a fourteen hour mission then hiked several miles in the freezing cold and pouring rain while carrying most of our gear on our backs. I assure you-"

But I never got to assure him of anything.

He had caught up with me in the doorway of the bathroom. Grabbing my arm, he almost roughly walked me back into the doorframe, lithe body pressed in a perfect mold against mine. I growled, in no mood for his antics, but only received a cheeky grin.

"You assure me…?" He prompted silkily. Shifting enticingly, he smoothed his fingers over my shoulders as he gently nuzzled my throat.

"Yes." I tried to maintain a fatigued tone. It was hard to be convincing when my breath caught on the word.

I felt his answering smile. "Do you **really** want to sleep when there is still so much daytime left?" He whispered against my skin, nipping softly.

Shivering, I grabbed his hands, halting their downward progression. "Yes." I managed to gasp as he rocked forward with a devilish smile from beneath half-lowered lashes. It took every ounce of willpower I had to duck away from him and into the bathroom.

"Why don't I believe you?" I saw him in the mirror, watching me with an amused grin.

Lobbing a towel at him I headed for the other side of the huge bathroom. "Fuck off." I groaned. I knew better than to think he would just go away.

"Ohhh…" He purred, sauntering in after me, letting the soft, fluffy towel unfold and drift around him like a big white cloak. "I'd love to."

"I'm sure Quatre would love to play." I suggested, leaning over the tub and turning on the hot water. Tendrils of steam drifted from the water, extending fascinating curls into the cool air.

"I don't want to play with Quatre." He said seriously, slipping his arms around my waist from behind. He nibbled gently just above my shoulder blade, knowing it would elicit a moan.

Again I grabbed his wandering fingers, turning around in his grasp and glaring fiercely at him. "Not. Right. Now." I managed, trying to control my ragged breathing.

He smirked and leaned forward, eliminating the mere inches between our lips. I heard myself make a noise somewhere between a whimper and a moan when I felt the very tip of his tongue run over my bottom lip. I tasted him then as my hands lost their strength. I gave up hopes of warding him off as I surrendered to the kiss.

He pulled away, fingers running slow, fiery trails up and down my spine beneath my shirt. With a smile he quirked one eyebrow. "How's that saying go?" He whispered huskily. "Actions speak louder…?"

Fine, so he knew what I wanted better than I did.

Two could play.

"Shut up." I growled, shrugging out of my shirt as I pulled away a third time. I threw a careless glance at the water, then back to Duo. I hid a smile at his confused expression. I cocked my head to one side and returned a curious look. "I'm going to take a bath. Are you coming or not?"

"I guess we'll find out." He replied, lusty gleam immediately back in his dark eyes.

Needless to say half an hour later found us a lot warmer and happier (if not much cleaner) than when we had entered the bathroom. Duo had discovered that the bath doubled as a Jacuzzi and insisted we leave it running. We were in the far wing of the manor. There was no one to hear us, so we could be as loud as we pleased. It's not like anyone was likely to be by.

How wrong we were.

We were just lazily debating how much longer we could stay in the lukewarm, faintly bubbling water before we either got out or exchanged it with hot water again when Duo hushed me. I narrowed my eyes, protest cut short as the door to the bathroom was flung open. Relena marched in, looking pissed.

Duo sat back on his feet where he knelt, bringing his hands away from either side of my shoulders to rest on his thighs. "May we help you?" He inquired sweetly, though it was clear that he was less than pleased at being interrupted.

It didn't seem to phase anyone but me that Duo and I were still stark naked in the Jacuzzi bath, in a rather compromising position.

Relena took a calming breath before she smiled politely. "You do realize that there are seven rather esteemed officials downstairs, all of whom I am entertaining for dinner, correct?"

"…Yes…" I agreed before Duo could make a smart-assed comment.

"And you realize that every room in the manner has an intercom system?"

"Lena, they're off until someone connects them." Duo pointed out, looking at her as though she had sprouted a second head.

"Yes, Duo. Yes they are generally off until someone presses the button that ELECTRICALLY connects them to the circuit board."

As if to punctuate her words, thunder clapped, shaking the manor with its disquieted rumble. I groaned, letting my head fall back. My skull cracked against the edge of the tub but I was beyond too mortified to really care.

"Oh, fuck me…" Duo groaned, clearly feeling the same way.

"Yes." Relena agreed with an amused sarcasm that bordered on cynical. "That's exactly what all seven of them heard. Now if you'll excuse me I'll kindly ask that you wrap it up _quietly_ and hide until they go away."

She had slammed the door on her way out.

I must say that although the Jacuzzi incident is one of my least favorite moments to recall it still seemed to be a point of great amusement for Relena. As of the moment it was making me sick to my stomach to think about Duo at all, memories of the fight still fresh in my mind. I needed to escape into dreams. I was very, very tired and the drugs were well on their way to forcing sleep upon me. I told Relena that I was going to go take a nap.

"Do you want me to check later and see if you want dinner? I'd really like it if you came down for at least a little while." She pleaded, looking worried.

I nodded, offering her a weary smile. "If you could?"

Collapsing on my bed when I at last reached my room, I downed two of the pills they had given me, completely dry. They tasted horrible and felt like they stuck at the back of my throat, even though I knew they had indeed gone down properly. I closed my eyes, tossing conscious thought to the side in an attempt to ignore the pain.

Fragmented memories of the first time I had ever met Duo over three years ago found their way to the front of my thoughts. Come to think of it he had shot me then, too. Twice. Faint, unnaturally white scars still reside on the skin of my right arm and leg. I still laugh to think about it. What a way to greet somebody.

As mad as I had been at him for trying to thwart my mission, I was ten times as grateful that he had broken into Sally's facility to liberate me. I hadn't known what I was getting myself into when I allowed him to drag me onto Howards ship. Hours later we had dredged our gundams from the ocean floor and set to work repairing them. He had offered to have his people fix Zero, but I didn't want attachments of any kind. I certainly hadn't wanted to be in anyone's debt.

He had persisted, however, in speaking at me for quite a long time while I attempted to figure out what needed to be fixed. At last, I irritably relented and responded, if only to ask him to be quiet. My next mission, only moments later, had entirely changed his demeanor.

I think the war was never truly real for Duo, save for a few, crystal moments where he understood what was happening. Maybe he saw it as a game. Maybe he saw it as something else. As we moved through the years, I later found myself thinking that his world became more surreal with every passing day until he had created an entirely separate reality. One where no one actually died, friendships were made quickly and lasted as long as they needed to, and the war really was more of a game he could play as the God of Death.

When that mission filtered through… I think he saw more in that moment than he ever had before.

I think he understood just how much was at stake.

I sighed, turning on my side as I remembered him jumping most of the way down the gundam as I clambered out of the cockpit toward my discarded laptop. Pausing, he turned to look at me, a confused, sympathetic, worried expression on his face. The clicking of my keyboard was the only sound as he turned around… but he didn't leave. Settling himself quietly in front of me, he watched me very carefully as I ran another diagnostic test. It was very hard to concentrate with him staring so intently, and I didn't last longer than another few minutes before looking up at him.

"Yes?" I had asked.

"Are you really gonna stay up all night and work on your gundam?"

The note of disbelief brought a smile to my mind that never reached my lips. "Yes." I replied shortly.

"My boys can handle it, honestly. Trust me, I don't like anyone touching Deathscythe, it makes my skin crawl to think about but… These guys know what they're doing."

I voiced the unstated end of that statement. "And I don't."

"That's not what I meant! Gosh, what's wrong with you, anyhow? Friends aren't exactly easy to make, all things about our current situations considered. We're in the same boat."

"Ship." I corrected, not really thinking.

"What?"

"Ship. This isn't a boat."

With a dramatic sigh he had flopped unceremoniously onto his back, hands slipping behind his head as he rolled his eyes. "Figure of speech, man. Lighten up. You're not going to have any fun at all with an attitude like that."

"I'm not here to have fun."

"We'll see." After that he lapsed into silence, letting the gentle rolling of the ocean soothingly rock the boat, the sound of machinery a polite background noise as almost everything was on hold for lunch. "Do you even know what fun **is**?" He questioned at last, propping himself up on one elbow to look at me.

Sighing, I had set aside my laptop and given him a look which I thought would have clearly told him I did not want his company. "Yes. I need to fix my gundam."

He took a deep breath and let it out in the most irritating way, as if to let me know exactly how much he thought of that idea. "You can't possibly think of something more entertaining to do? They can do it, honest!"

I clearly remember the moment of insanity wherein I wondered if humoring him would make him go away faster. "What exactly would you suggest?"

Obviously I was mistaken. Reaching up before I could stop him, he tangled his fingers in the front of my tank-top, curling them into a fist and dragging me down to him. Instinctively reacting, I threw my hands out, jarring my palms on the smooth gundanium beneath us as I braced from falling over. I gained my balance as I crouched there, and my body was in defense mode before I ever had the time to consider what he was doing. Prepared for a reaction he grabbed my wrist as I reached for my gun, and smiled like a cat that had just caught its mouse. That smile sent shivers down my spine even then.

"Relax," He whispered, and I felt my muscles loosen despite themselves, "I'm not gonna hurt you."

"What are you doing." It wasn't a question. It was a demand for information.

"Having a little… fun." He purred. His eyes flickered back and forth, watching my own for a sign that I wasn't aware I would give. Very carefully he loosened his grip on my wrist. I shook off the feeling of his hand and almost in slow motion brought the gun to his chest, letting the barrel rest at the base of his sternum. Not once did his gaze or smile falter.

"I could kill you, right here. Right now."

"You could." He said with a small, thoughtful nod.

Bringing his free hand up, he brushed his fingertips softly against my cheek before slipping them to the back of my neck and drawing me forward. The last few inches between us closed as he leaned forward and kissed me very gently, as if I would disappear without warning. My eyes slid closed of their own volition and I failed to stop the breathy noise that escaped my throat.

Pulling back a second later, I fixed a glare upon him that would have killed a lesser being, but was faced with only a smug smile. "But you won't." He pointed out, getting to his feet and hopping lightly to the ground below.

I never told him that he was wrong.

I couldn't have shot him.

It had hurt to leave the next morning, without saying goodbye. I had never known true friendship prior to that day.

I pushed aside the remnants of the past as I opened my eyes. I must have fallen asleep while thinking because evening had descended on the manor. Looking blearily around the room, I tried to determine what had woken me. Relena stood leaning against the doorframe, silhouetted by the blindingly bright light from the hallway.

Rubbing at my closed eyelids with my free hand, I gave her an indignant look. "You're up so I should be, too?" I yawned. "What time is it?"

She smiled in response and shifted her weight to enter, perching delicately on the edge of the bed. She passed me the glass of water she had been clutching. "Just about seven. I was hoping you would come down and have dinner with me, I haven't eaten yet."

I took a gulp of water and nodded. "Sure."

"Ms. Jamison made meatloaf and mashed potatoes, but she can make you anything you want if that sounds too strong." Her eyes flickered to the open bottle of painkillers on the bedside table.

The thought of food was slightly unsettling but meatloaf didn't sound as if it would be too dangerous to try. "That's fine. Did I miss anything while I was out?"

"Trowa called." She noted, rising with me. "He wanted to talk to you but I told him you were sleeping. They are sending you supplies." She laughed. "The way he was talking it was like you were getting ready for some big battle or something."

I couldn't help it- I winced. She still didn't know about the fight Duo and I had had the day before. The way Trowa saw it… I probably _was_ getting ready for a war. "Old habits die hard."

My stomach flopped at my own choice of words. Was that what Duo was; an old habit? I tamped down the thought, trying not to let it bother me. I needed a break. I needed a separation from my own emotions. Letting the situation upset me, I thought as I dressed properly, wouldn't do anyone any good.

"Well," She started as we walked down the hall, "Negotiations start the day after tomorrow. I can't promise I will be around much once that happens, but I will certainly try."

"It's okay." I fiddled with the cuff of my over-jacket.

"Well, the day after that there isn't anything going on. I've asked Pagan if he would take us into town to do some shopping. I mean… since you haven't got to be bouncing all over the place anymore you can keep more than a duffel-bag's worth of stuff, you know?"

I gave her a funny glance. "What would I do with more than that?"

Looking fairly scandalized she made a noise of disbelief. "What would you do with it?" She nearly squeaked, "You have what? Three sets of clothes, a toothbrush, some other hygiene stuff I am sure Duo made you buy, and some things you didn't want to part with from your past. You could do with some new clothes and maybe some shoes, not to mention that now you can buy stuff for fun."

Fun…

The word echoed hollowly in my mind.

Duo was always encouraging me to have fun, too.

"I guess." I replied noncommittally.

There were a few people trailing here and there, cleaning the long table we had just taken a seat at. Apparently we hadn't missed dinner by much. Relena politely asked one of them if she would mind bringing out some left-overs, nothing fancy. The maid nodded and disappeared.

"Maddie wants to check those bandages when we're done eating." Relena informed me once the food arrived.

"Who?"

"She's the nurse here. With so many people in and out all the time there has to be someone here to fix things. Luckily most everyone is healthy."

"Yeah…" I agreed, taking a bite of the meatloaf. It was very bland and the sauce was worse. Overall it didn't seem like it would upset my stomach.

"Noin's staff said that I should keep you from being too active for at least a couple days, but the drugs seem to be doing that all on their own, don't they?"

She apparently wasn't going to just leave me alone. "Yes. When the world stops tilting just a bit to the left I'll let you know."

There was blessed silence during which an irritating buzzing started in my ear. I was just considering shaking my head to dislodge it when she looked over and cleared her throat. "So how long before you take off again?"

There was a strange edge of bitterness in her voice that I'm sure she didn't want nor expect me to catch. "Do you want me to leave soon?" I was confused as she had never shown an interest in letting me leave before she absolutely had to. The buzzing had stopped, thankfully, but her voice still sounded a little far away.

"No." She quickly assured me. "I'd like you to stay here permanently. I know that you wanted to stick with Duo and all… but I really don't think it's safe for you to stay there. I mean, you'd hardly been there a few days and already he's put you in the hospital."

"It was my own fault, Relena." I said tiredly.

"Oh? You went and got the gun for him and made him shoot you?"

"That's not what I meant, and you know it." I reprimanded irritably. Where was that buzzing noise coming from? "He was just startled."

"Heero, he's unstable!" She cried, fixing me with an irate, hurt look. "And to tell the truth I'm not sure you're entirely stable, either." She sighed, settling back in her seat with an air of resignation. "Look. I would like it if you stayed here until you're healed, at the _very_ least. If you really don't want to stay here… I guess that's how it will be. Stay with Trowa, stay with Quatre, but please, _please_ don't go back there. Not yet."

"I'm the only one who can take care of him." Why couldn't she understand?

"I know you think that but right now that's not a plausible solution." Her jaw clenched as if she didn't want to continue. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"I'll be fine." I growled. "But Duo-"

"Duo will be fine for a bit." She cut me off. "You need to the time to heal and adjust just as much as he does. You can go back to him when you're both ready."

My mind was rather numb. She sounded so much like Trowa, telling me that Duo would have to be okay first. I wanted to help but people were stopping me at every turn and it was getting too hard to fight it. It was too much trouble to fight with them _and_ myself at the same time.

"Yes." I hoped that it was clear the conversation was over. "Fine." She lapsed into mute concern, watching me before she began to eat once more. I could tell that she wasn't letting the issue go entirely, but it could be dropped for the moment.

That annoying buzz was back again but this time it was resolving itself. I turned in my chair, looking for a source. No one else was in the room beside Relena and myself… from what I could tell there was no one in the adjoining rooms, either. Finally I caught sight of the vid-screen behind us, covering a large portion of the wall. It was quietly relating the day's news and the buzz appeared to be coming from the speakers below it.

"-Calling themselves the '_Marauders_,' have attacked two more cities since declaring themselves a new and separate faction. It remains to be determined what their objective is, but-"

"Is someone still attacking people?" I asked as I turned back to Relena, concerned now.

"I'm surprised you hadn't already heard about them." She replied, turning a thoughtful gaze to the vid-screen. "It's a fairly small group of people. They keep cropping up in weird patterns and attacking cities. No one knows why, they haven't issued a statement or anything. We don't even really know who they are."

"There's no order to the attacks?" I wondered curiously as I faced the screen again. Normally there was at least some sort of pattern, some kind of order.

She shook her head. "Seems random. Like someone's taking a map and pointing and saying 'there's where we attack today' or something."

My eyes traced the line of destruction across the map the vid-screen was currently displaying, along with a hotline number for anyone with information. She was right, they seemed pretty chaotic in their choice of places. I knew better. "It looks like they are searching for something, or taunting someone. Like they are flaunting power."

"They haven't hurt civilians yet. They send a notification roughly ten minutes before they attack someplace, enough for the people to evacuate. As soon as someone shows up to combat them, they disappear. Literally, just vanish. It's been really strange."

The reporter had moved on, launching into a local news report about the effects the end of the war was having on the city and her inhabitants. I faced my half-finished dinner and suddenly didn't feel hungry at all. I couldn't process what she was telling me, but my brain was definitely trying to tell me something was wrong with that situation. There was something I should have been guessing, should have seen.

The moment passed, however, and I felt tired again.

"I think I'm going to go back to sleep."

"Maddie should check those bandages, Heero."

Right, I'd forgotten. "I'll stop by if you tell me where she is."

She gave me quick directions and told me she would take me there, though I turned her down. "At least make sure you take another dose of those painkillers before you go to bed." Relena smiled, though I could see she was worried.

I nodded, excusing myself.

The walk to my room seemed to take forever. I stopped by the small office and Maddie was nice enough. She changed the cotton wraps as gently as she could and assured me that the stitches were looking as good as they could. I got to see them for the first time and it did nothing to ease the turmoil in my stomach.

Huge, irritated red lacerations had been stitched up with thick black thread. It was rather gruesome and I was insanely happy that there was hardly any sensation in my shoulder. I promised myself copious amounts of drugs to keep myself from having to feel that any time soon.

I collapsed on the bed and downed two more pills with the water I had left there earlier. I tried to keep the image of my damaged shoulder from creeping into my mind, but it didn't want to leave. As tired as I was, I felt afraid to even think about falling asleep now. Nightmares were never pleasant.

Fortunately that fear wasn't stronger than the medication.

I fell asleep almost as soon as I laid in my bed.

Unfortunately, it didn't last.

A few hours later found me wandering the halls, unable to find rest. I couldn't seem to prevent myself from thinking about the past and worrying about the future. So _much_ had happened in the past three years between all of us that it was surreal. Were we really going to let it all fall apart now?

I was afraid.

The past three years had seen us all inexorably tied into one another's lives. Curiously enough it was the worst thing in our lives that kept us in contact, repeatedly throwing us together. The war had been our first and longest bond… but surely it was not our strongest? Without it had we really lost our reasons to remain friends and lovers?

Lovers.

The word sounded so foreign.

There had never been a reason to define or label any relationships we managed to maintain during the war. No one mentioned it. There were no discussions over who was what to whom. I could use time as an excuse, saying that we never had enough of it… but I would be lying. If we had chosen to approach the topic, to have a discussion... there were many opportunities.

The truth was, we were all scared.

We protected ourselves.

We protected each other.

If it wasn't labeled, wasn't acknowledged… it didn't really exist.

And if it wasn't real no one could take it from us.

The problem was that everything had become shockingly real in less than a week, and I don't think I was the only one still recovering.

My fingertips lingered on the walls as I trailed down the hallway, thinking about everything that entailed. Had we all just been looking for something to hold on to, something to ground us? Were we looking for something to come home to?

I know that I hadn't expected to live through the war. With so many opportunities to die it was a one in a billion chance that I would make it. So anything I had done was supposed to be free of attachment, free of any sort of permanent commitment. That was what we had all agreed upon, silently or otherwise.

I clearly remember the first time I came face to face with that decision.

It was another restless night in between missions and I found myself unable to sleep. We hadn't heard anything from the others in days and we were beginning to worry that something had gone wrong. Surely someone would have called if they had gotten out all right. They knew we weren't due for any missions for another few weeks. The negative news reports that constantly aired did nothing to ease our nerves.

Duo was already in the small living room that bordered our two rooms. I guess he had been up for a while. He was just sitting there on the ratty couch, staring mutely into space. I felt bad even thinking about interrupting his reverie by speaking. Instead I crossed the room as silently as I could and poured myself a cup of the lukewarm coffee sitting out on the counter. The kitchen wasn't a separate room and I could feel his gaze on me the entire way.

"Can't sleep?" He whispered, holding his mug in both hands.

I shook my head, taking a seat beside him. I still wasn't used to speaking much, even after a year of knowing him and the others. Most of them had given up trying to make me talk but Duo had proved unimaginable resilient in his efforts.

"Me neither." He agreed, taking a sip.

"So you're drinking coffee?" His logic had always escaped me.

"So're you." He looked sideways at me with a smirk.

I dropped my eyes to my own mug and stared at it for a moment. Neither of us moved as he watched me. After a short time he snuggled back into the couch with a laugh. It was like music, completely enchanting in the stillness.

"Why do you always laugh?" I asked, before I could stop myself.

The sound disappeared as soon as I mentioned it. He sighed heavily and took a sip of his coffee before setting it on the small table beside him. The thought had obviously occurred to him before and appeared to a troubling one. He settled into the corner of the couch in such a way that he could face me without actually doing so.

"If I don't, who will?" He finally asked. "Trowa and 'Fei rarely do. Even Quatre falters. You _never_ smile."

"I smile." I scowled.

This earned me rolled eyes. "Yeah? When?"

"When I am happy."

"Then," He said sadly, "You must not be a very happy person."

"There is nothing to smile about."

"I disagree!" He fixed me with a disapproving look. "You're just not looking in the right place. There are plenty of things hiding in plain sight."

"Like what?" I asked tiredly, taking a drink. I was playing his game, I knew, but this was something that had truly been bothering me. I always felt like there was some big secret that I was missing. I felt that the answer sat a mere two feet away now, smirking, and I didn't want to leave without hearing it.

Even if it meant letting myself get played, just this once.

"Like the things that make life worth living." When I didn't answer him he rolled his eyes again and shifted forward as if he were about to whisper something he shouldn't. "Humans. People. Trowa, Quatre, 'Fei, Hilde, Relena, _everyone._" He sat back again, studying me. "You and I."

"How? If that is the key then why don't the others smile like you?"

"Well," He corrected, "It's not just the people. It's how you act with them, what you feel, what you do. Obviously you're not gonna feel the same killing someone as you would feel kissing them. I believe even you know the difference." His cheeky smile was caught up in a yawn a second later.

"Do I?"

"Don't you?" He quipped, grinning. "You should by now. Does this mean I have to remind you?"

My eyes widened. "What?"

He crawled forward, slipping the mug from my slack hands. With a sideways glance he stood and placed it on the coffee table. I shifted uncomfortably, unsure about what he was implying. He was always doing things like that- teasing and pushing the acceptable boundaries.

"You heard me."

He grinned and grabbed my hands as I began to stand, pushing me gently back to my seat. Without releasing them he threaded his fingers through my own and knelt on the couch, straddling my thighs.

"Duo, it's late…" I protested weakly, though I made no move to escape.

"We're already up." He raised our hands to place them over and behind my head. "Might as well make the most of it."

Our lips brushed for a flash before his tight hold on my hands loosened considerably, allowing me to lower my arms, fingers sliding onto his elbows as he leaned his forearms on my shoulders. I could feel his breath on my skin the instant before he pressed a trail of fluttering kisses from my jaw to my collarbone.

"Know the difference yet?" He whispered, shifting closer and resting his nose softly in the hollow of my throat.

I think I had a pretty good idea right about then. Scared that he would get up and leave if I told him so, however, I shook my head. "You'll have to do better."

"Better?" He echoed without changing positions, hands slithering from around my neck, following an enticing line down to the bottom of my shirt. "How _much_ better?"

I held my breath, eyes closed as his palms slid upward against my chest, bringing my shirt with them. He pulled away long enough to remove it entirely, laying it on the couch beside us with an amused grin. His gaze dropped, lazily following his fingertips across my muscles as they traced an almost reverent pattern.

"Can you give me proof?" I raised an eyebrow as I lifted one leg closer to him.

He made a noise in the back of his throat at the gesture, eyes closing. I took the opportunity to snake my hands beneath his nightshirt, gently pulling upward. Raising his arms, he complied. Before I had even finished tugging it off he had draped his arms around my neck, pressing forward against me as he licked the shell of my ear and spoke softly.

"Of course." He purred.

Despite what my body was screaming at me, I halted his progress, grabbing his wrists and moving him so I could look him in the eyes.

"Not on this couch." I said pointedly.

"Fuck!" He growled, forehead dropping roughly onto my collarbone.

"That's not an unreasonable-"

"No, not that." He groaned, not moving. "We haven't got anything."

"What?" Anything for what?

"Nothing useful anyhow…" He murmured, sounded forlorn.

"For what?"

"Lubrication." It's amusing now, to remember that I could almost feel his blush on my shoulder as he turned his face into the crook of my neck and whispered in a hushed voice. "Or condoms or anything."

"What?" I squawked, disbelieving. It shouldn't have come as a surprise, I know. My thoughts were not exactly in one piece and I should have figured it out a lot sooner than I did. "What makes you think I would let you get that far?"

He shifted to the side enough to be able to give me a 'you know better' look. "Oh come on." He rocked his hips against mine and I'm afraid his point was quickly proven. "Unless you've decided to change your mind…?"

When he moved to get up, reaching for his shirt, I stopped him, refusing to let go of one of his wrists. "No." I corrected, keeping tight control of my breathing. "It's best to finish what you start, I've learned."

"Oh have you?" He replied someone sarcastically, though he settled himself on my lap once more.

"There are some problems we can still solve."

He nabbed my hands before I could do anything and looked me right in the eyes.

"Wait." There was an odd note in his voice and he looked suddenly far more apprehensive than he had a minute ago.

"What?"

Biting his bottom lip in thought he gave me a very unsure look. "Well…" He mused, almost as if he weren't sure if he were talking to himself or me. "With the war and all…"

What the war could possibly have to do with the current situation was beyond me. I tilted my head to one side, leaning back against the back of the couch with a confused, somewhat irritated expression.

"I just…" He trailed off, tearing his gaze away, dropping it to look at my chest. He shrugged as if trying to say it didn't matter to him. "Maybe it's not a good idea to make attachments when we can't tell what the future's gonna hold."

It had been on both our minds, apparently, but he was the only one of us had the balls to mention it. I sighed, twisting my wrist very gently out of his hold and cupping his cheek in my hand. I waited until he thought he could look at me again. Worry and fear were etched into ever line of his face. It hurt so badly to think that I had caused any of that.

"Hey." I said quietly, hoping I had his full attention. "I won't make an attachment if you don't."

A pained expression crossed his features, but he nodded with a smile. "Promise?" He asked weakly.

"Promise."

"You can't break a promise if you make it." He informed me skeptically.

"Do you think I would make a promise lightly?"

With a more confident smile he leaned forward and kissed me again, this time lingering. "No." He whispered against my lips.

Wandering the hallways of Relena's manor two years later it finally occurred to me that he had never promised me in return.

As the realization struck I allowed myself to sink to the floor against the wall, curling into a ball. The drugs were working overtime and as much as I had been fighting them the struggle no longer seemed worth it. Silence wrapped around the corridor and I could feel sleep edging in on me.

Dark oblivion.

An escape.

The door across from where I lay cracked open, a sliver of weak light spilling across the floor and bathing the wall in front of me golden. My moment of reflection faded, my escape fluttering away with the receding darkness. Couldn't they let me break in peace? There was a moment of utter silence before the newcomer pulled the door open wider and joined me in the deserted hallway.

"Heero?" Relena called tentatively, not yet approaching.

I didn't move to answer.

She closed the distance between us and dropped to her knees beside me. Warmth pressed gently against my shoulder blade as she laid her hand on my back. I shivered, realizing how cold the hall actually was.

"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly as she brushed my bangs from my face. With a concerned look she placed her palm against my forehead. "Heero?"

I fended off her hands, grabbing onto them to force her to focus for a moment. "I'm fine." I lied.

Her lips became a thin line as she scowled at me, clearly not believing. "You're not. You're wandering the halls at three in the morning the day after you've been shot, gone through major surgery, and had a nasty fight with your best friend."

A strangled noise of distress and shock escaped my throat before I could come up with a dignified reaction. "How did you know that?"

She rolled her eyes and gave me a flat look. "Honestly, Heero. Did you think I wouldn't find out you'd fought with him?"

"Who told you?"

"It wasn't exactly hard to guess something was wrong after the way you were acting at dinner. I called Quatre shortly after you left and confronted him."

I didn't respond, merely glaring into the blank space over her shoulder. I couldn't believe she called Quatre. I couldn't believe he told her!

"Oh come on." She admonished, "There's only a few things that could have you out at this time of night. You're already here so you might as well talk."

Moodily meeting her eyes, I sighed in resignation. "I just… I don't know where I'm going any more. I feel like I'm in that place, that limbo between missions where I don't know what's coming next and all I can do is wait. It was okay before because there was always one of the others there with me. Even when they weren't I still knew I'd see them again relatively soon, barring death. Now… I don't even have that much."

Silence settled over us. I guess she didn't have anything to say to that, or couldn't decide what would be best.

"I just feel lost." I mumbled, heart clenching in my chest as I spoke. "Alone."

"You're not!" She quickly assured me, turning her hands in mine to hold them. "Oh, Heero, you're not alone. From the second you met us all you were never alone. Things change and people change with them, but that doesn't mean they've just abandoned you because the war's done."

"Doesn't it?" I asked quietly.

She cast her gaze skyward for a fraction of an instant before looking back at me rather seriously. "Have I abandoned you?"

"No."

"Didn't Trowa just call before dinner? Do you think he's abandoned you?"

"…No." I said after a moment. Trowa hadn't seemed like he was going to go away any time soon. In fact he had managed to sound convinced we would see one another again very shortly when I left him at the hospital.

"And Quatre wouldn't just stop talking to you, would he?"

"Well, no…." I had to agree.

"You never had much contact with Wu Fei, does that feel like it's going to change now that he's working in town with the Preventers and Sally? Do either of them seem likely to disappear?"

"Okay, so they're not leaving." I snapped.

She smiled smugly, that same expression she wore when she knows you have walked right into her trap. "So there."

"But… what about…" I trailed off, breaking eye contact to study the dusty tiled floor.

"Duo's your best friend, Heero." She said patiently, though it clearly pained her to broach the subject. "More than your best friend. If he's half the person you think he is then he'll come 'round in no time and if he's not then can he really be worth the heartache?" She whispered imploringly.

"I guess…" I'm sure I didn't sound at all convinced.

She leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. Releasing my hands, she stood and leaned gently against the wall again. I clambered to my feet a second later, wearily dusting off my knees. Giving her a sad look and a shake of my head, I offered a faint smile.

"Sorry I woke you."

"You didn't." She sighed irritably. "I was watching the news reports because I couldn't sleep."

"That was probably a better idea than wandering the halls and ending up curled in a ball somewhere."

"I wouldn't have ended up in a ball." She said cheekily. "I've got more sense than that."

"Are you implying I haven't got the sense?" I poked.

"Which one of us was out here first?" She asked with a meaningful look. Fortunately she didn't feel the need to continue, only offering me another smile. "Look, your room is all the way across the manor, and it's already late. I could use the company if you don't mind staying."

Giving her a searching stare, I grimaced. "I probably should go back to my own room…"

"With the way you're swaying just standing still I really don't think you're going to make it all the way back without ending up on the floor again." She pointed out. "I'm not walking all the way there and back so you've got a choice. You can sleep here or I can sleep there."

I looked down the hallway and tried to judge just how long of a path it was. Somewhere in the time I'd been lying on the floor and now it had stretched and become far longer than I was willing to walk. Sighing, I turned back to face her.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Oh honestly!" She sounded as though she thought I were being a complete moron. "You're hurt, drugged, and exhausted. I have to get up in the morning. I'm not going to try anything and neither are you. It's just easier."

I shifted nervously. Duo would be even angrier with me if he found out I'd slept in her room but there wasn't really a way for him to know. I certainly wasn't going to tell him and he hardly spoke to Relena. She _was_ right that it was closer and easier and I _didn't_ really think I could make it back on my own.

"My meds are still in my room." I finally returned.

"I'll send someone to fetch them when I wake. Any other objections?"

"No." I grumbled.

"Good." She sighed tiredly and disappeared into her room, expecting me to follow.

I almost made it to the bed before I was asleep again.

By the next morning coherency seemed to have become a privilege, not a right. The drugs were not at all easy to contend with and I found it hard to maintain consciousness. I waited until they had nearly run their course for the morning. I neglected taking them again, despite the needling pain the entire left side of my body gave me as a result. It left me with a much clearer head for debating serious issues.

Finally I steeled myself… and called.

I was only mildly surprised when Hilde picked up the phone. Someone had to be there watching him now that I was out of the picture. Quatre had conferences. Trowa and Wu Fei were probably busy dealing with any uprisings. I wasn't sure Duo knew anyone else that could do the job properly and Hilde _was_ one of his good friends.

"Is Duo there?" I queried as politely as I could for being anxious.

"Who is this?" She sounded confused and a little suspicious. I didn't expect her to recognize my voice right away, seeing as I didn't talk on the phone often. "Heero, is that you?"

"Yes. Is Duo there?" I repeated, seriously considering losing my nerve and hanging up before she could tell me he had left to do… something.

"Yeah. He's here, but I'm hardly going to let **you** speak to him." She huffed. "Do you have any idea what you've put him through?"

"Hilde, it's really not your place to decide to whom he can and cannot speak." I admonished. Though I couldn't help feeling guilty I was not up to dealing with the girl's often stubborn and rash nature.

"As his _friend_," She stressed acidly, "I have a responsibility to try and keep people from hurting him."

"I hope you understand that I feel the same way. I need to talk to him so-"

"Well, he doesn't want to talk to you. Haven't you hurt him enough?"

I choked. "You make it sound like I'm _trying_ to hurt him!" Was that really what they thought?

"Well if you don't mean to you're doing a bloody good job of it anyway!" She snapped.

There was a faint scuffling noise in the background and a wary, muffled voice asked "Who's on the phone?" I recognized Duo's voice.

"No one." She told him, venom gone from her tone. "Just some telemarketer." There was a crackle as she removed her hand from the receiver. "Fuck off and don't call back."

The line went dead in my hands.

* * *

/**_It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard_**/

* * *

/**End Chapter Twelve, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	13. Chapter Thirteen

* * *

/**_I used to know the sound_**

**_Of a smile in your voice_**

**_But right now all I feel is the pain_**

**_Of the fighting starting up again_**/

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

* * *

I reached over to where the nightstand ought to be and slammed my hand against the top of the alarm clock in irritation. The repetitive noise continued. If the alarm wasn't going off, what on earth was making that constant noise? I groped for the button on top of the clock that would announce the time aloud for me.

"Six thirty a.m." A mechanical voice prompted as I found the button.

Whatever it was it had waking me up at an ungodly hour.

"It's six thirty in the fucking morning!" I shouted to whom-ever was pounding so enthusiastically on my front door. Apparently they couldn't hear me. "Come back in three hours and I'll consider being awake enough to talk to you!" I groaned as I heard the doorknob rattling furiously in response.

Rolling out of bed I searched for the jeans I had laid out the evening before. I stepped into them as I headed carefully out to the front room, fingers trailing on the wall to guide me. Whoever it was had better have a damn good excuse for being on my front step this early.

"Hold yer horses!" I shouted, finally finding the door.

No sooner had the lock clicked free when the door was flung open. I barely jumped back in time to avoid being bowled over as someone entered.

"Good morning!" Hilde quipped brightly.

"Well you've got the 'morning' part right anyhow." I responded sourly, closing the door against the chill autumn breeze. "What are you doing here?"

"Quatre rang me last night." She called as she headed into the kitchen. Somehow she made it sound as if she appeared here every morning at 6:30am because Quatre phoned her.

I gave myself a moment to calm down before replying. "Please don't tell me he sent you to keep an eye on me."

"Okay, I won't."

I rolled my eyes and carefully found my way to the kitchen. She appeared to be looking for something by the way she was slamming cupboards and noisily opening and closing drawers. Standing silently in the doorway, I waited until she finally gave up and spoke again.

"Frying pan? Where are the frying pans?"

"Hell if I know." I shrugged. Exploring hadn't been first on my list of things to do when I first got here. "I don't need someone to baby-sit me." I pointed out. I really didn't need her to be here just because she felt she had to or because Quatre had asked her.

"Did you ever think," She began as she walked over to me, sounding slightly put out, "That other people need breakfast too? It's not always about you." She prodded me in the chest with whatever utensil she had been holding. "Though you certainly haven't been acting like it lately."

I gingerly rubbed my chest. "What?" She had obviously lost it.

She sighed as she moved away from me again. "Everyone's been trying to be helpful and supportive of you and you've been acting very much like a petulant child. Yes, bad things have happened. That doesn't mean you can just give up on everything. We're not out to get you, we're out to help you."

"I don't need help."

"Maybe not, but we need _to_ help. I'm your friend, Duo. Friends help each other out in tough situations. Maybe I just need to feel like I'm _doing_ something instead of just sitting on my hands. Maybe we all do."

She was right. I felt a pang of guilt at recalling some of the things I had said to people who only wanted to help. I had caused a lot of damage, a lot of pain.

"Sorry." I mumbled. "I guess I hadn't thought about it like that." I could hear her rattling cupboard again, looking for pans. "Did you check in the drawer under the stove?"

"There's a drawer under the stove?" A metallic clang rang through the air as she apparently found it.

"That's where Sister Helen kept the pots and pans."

"I guess she and Quatre think alike." There were a few more quiet bangs as she pulled one of them out and set it on the stove top. I heard rapid clicking and the faint smell of gasoline reached me as I sat at the table.

"What are you making?"

"Eggs. Well, hopefully eggs. I don't know how good they'll be- I don't make them often…"

She trailed off and we lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. I didn't know what to say or do anymore. Clearly she hadn't come all this way just to make breakfast. Don't get me wrong, maybe she had. Maybe she was just going to make eggs for us, we'd eat them, and then she would leave. Somehow, though, I doubted it. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long to find out why she was really here.

"So…" She started carefully, curious. "Quatre didn't really tell me much. Just, y'know, that you and Heero had a fight. He didn't tell me what about, though. I don't know if I've the right to ask, but I _would_ like to know if you'd like to talk about it…"

"It's really just… stupid. Nothing for you to worry about." I told her, shifting in my seat as I attempted to avoid the subject. "It shouldn't even have happened."

"Seems to me like it's not 'nothing' if it upsets you. If it's none of my business I suppose that's how it is, but don't play it off as nothing if it's something."

I hated how she did that. Sighing, I put my head on my arms as I folded them on the table. "He just… We said some really stupid things. I said some amazingly stupid things."

"About?"

I had to think about it for a minute, the actual fight felt like a blank space in my mind. Had it really been so bad I'd started blocking it out already? "Who was at fault for what, I guess."

Over the noise of her scraping at the pan with something, I just barely caught the indignant, incredulous noise she made. "Whose fault does he think it is?"

"His." I grumbled, mind replaying the fantastic leap I had made off that cliff, giving me goose-bumps.

"Well it is." Plates rattled in a cupboard near where her voice was.

"It's not!" I cried, sitting up a little. "I mean, it is but it's not. We're both responsible for all of it. He blames himself for yelling when I jumped off the cliff but I bloody jumped off a cliff without looking!"

"Oh." It occurred to me from her tone that that might not have been what she was talking about but it was a little late to retract the outburst.

"Not just that, I guess. Hilde… he put the gun right up to his chest, practically _asking_ me to pull the trigger. He wanted me to forgive him by shooting him but if I'd killed him how could I forgive _myself?_" I asked weakly, setting my head back down. "I guess that's what bothers me most… I could have lost him permanently just when things might finally work."

"Yeah, I see how well they are working…" She muttered, though I'm certain she didn't expect me to hear.

"They're not anymore, anyhow." I said dejectedly.

"Duo, hon, I'm sorry. Look, I'm sure that you both just need some time to cool off, right? I mean, you guys had a tiff. Everyone does. You spent the better part of three years not having any really big fights. This was bound to happen sometime. He'll figure it out and come back to fix things with you."

"No he won't." I sighed, closing my eyes. "He went to live with Relena."

"Relena?" Now she was sounding confused. "Why?"

I buried my nose in my arms, knowing my voice would be muffled at best. "I told him I hated him."

"Oh, Duo… You couldn't have meant that…"

"He was being a real bastard." I defended, recalling the tail end of the fight. "I didn't even realize I'd said it until a few seconds later. I just… He just frustrates me sometimes. He doesn't get that I…"

"That you…?" She prompted.

I groaned. "Never-mind. I guess I just don't understand why he does some of the stuff that he does and it's not like I can get him to talk about it."

"Just ask him to talk." She suggested, though it was far from helpful.

"Can't." I could feel that creeping sense of dread that always overtook me when I thought about this particular aspect of my situation. "He's under the impression that anything we did during the war was done without attachment. Everything. We first talked about it probably what… two years ago now?"

"Two years is a long time, Duo."

"I know. But we only talked that once. It was okay logic then, a plan that seemed easy to follow. I mean, we weren't gonna survive anyhow… better to die without leaving anyone to be upset."

"You believed that?"

"Didn't you? Didn't everyone?" I sighed, opening my eyes and staring into the complete blackness around me. "It's fine. He hasn't broken any rules by not making an attachment. I haven't broken any by making one and I won't make it worse by bringing it up again. It's just going to hurt for a while. I've survived worse than a little heartache, right?"

"Maybe, but you shouldn't have to."

The smell of burning eggs reached me just then and I chuckled. "Your eggs-"

"Are burning!" She cried, her shoe squeaking on the floor as she turned. The spatula made furious scraping noises on the pan as it hissed under the running water. She shut it off after a moment and the pan clanked as she let it rest in the sink. "That's a really shitty thing for him to do."

"Don't be hard on him." I pleaded quietly. "If he knew then yeah, I can understand how you would be angry. It's not his fault I never said anything."

"I'm your friend." She chided. "It's my job to get mad at people who hurt you."

Fortunately she dropped the subject when I did, at least for a little while. Leaning back I brought my hands around to clasp behind my head as I thought of everything that was happening. I knew I had to get Heero on the phone. There was so much we still had to talk about and it wasn't going to be easy at all. I was sure I would feel like hanging up after the first five minutes, which left me wondering how much willpower I would need to collect before calling.

Hilde managed to make a new batch of eggs that were actually decent and we ate in relative silence. She grilled me on what exactly had been said but only seemed to get angrier as I told her. I stopped talking as soon as she would let me, grateful for the respite from my own memory. I tentatively suggested that we learn the lay of the house, to which she enthusiastically agreed.

Lacking vision is only part of the problem with being blind. My senses were conflicting wildly with what my brain was trying to tell me. Standing in the middle of a completely cleared, clean, large room seems to be exactly the same as standing in a small, furnished room. There are only subtle differences- the faint echo of my breath, the sounds that filter in from outside, and the very slight change in air pressure. I had to somehow differentiate between these things. I had to 'see' without sight.

So I learned.

Hilde and I spent hours walking through the house. She described everything to me in exact detail as I walked carefully around the perimeter. We counted paces between and around rooms. I held Stick above my head and learned how far away the ceiling was. We even went so far as to have a crash course in kitchen layout and content when she forced me to make us dinner.

Through it all Hilde was constantly patient, reassuring me every time I banged a shin or stubbed my toe. No matter how many times I jammed my fingers while feeling something out, she was there offering encouragement. I wanted to give up trying so many times and each time she was there telling me I was couldn't give up yet.

So I kept going.

By the end of the day I could successfully navigate to any place in the house without help. Hilde tested me relentlessly by moving around, calling my name. I could trace her anywhere without hesitation. As the day lapsed into the evening hours she finally let me rest, proclaiming that I could have the rest of the night free.

"You really made some progress." She offered from the doorway of my room.

I slipped out of my shirt. "Yeah." I sounded more bitter than I really felt. "I can move around my own house without tripping. Progress."

"Don't be like that." She chided patiently, not rising to the bait. "We covered a lot of ground. Now that you're getting the hang of it the rest of the world should be a small deal, you know?"

I smiled as I pulled on a soft old t-shirt. "Just the world?" I teased, feeling a little better at how hopeful she was.

"Well, I figure we can save outer space for next week."

"Logical." I walked to the laundry hamper in the corner of the closet, feeling for the edge before depositing my old clothes. "Where are you sleeping?"

If you haven't noticed, I crave attention. Sleeping alone was not something I liked to do if I could avoid it. Part of me that wished she would stay with me for the night, however, the rest of me that knew it was not the same. It wasn't what I really needed. She was a good friend but… well, she wasn't Heero. She never could be.

"I'll take the other room. I wake up at an absurdly early hour, you know that."

I forced a smile for her. "Oh yeah." I couldn't count the number of times she had woken me at five in the morning when we roomed together anywhere. How I failed to remember that loathsome habit of hers, I will never know. "What time are we getting up, then?"

"I'll probably get you up around nine.

"Oh goodie." I groaned.

"Goodnight." I could almost hear the eye-roll I'd well earned. Her footsteps retreated down the hallway, leaving me alone again.

I crawled into bed and snuggled beneath the covers as I closed my eyes. It had been a long, rather stressing day but I could already see how things would be getting better. Slowly, but they would improve. It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I smiled, letting myself relax at last.

Surprisingly it was not Hilde that woke me the next morning. It was the phone, ringing incessantly in an annoyingly high tone. I squinted open my sleep-sealed eyes and greeted the pitch black around me with a muffled groan. Who could _possibly_ think it was important enough to call before nine a.m.?

Hilde must have gotten the phone because I could hear her talking in the other room. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she sounded angry. Confused, I rolled out of bed and groped along the nightstand for where I had left Stick leaning. Grabbing it, I headed a little unsteadily for the other room

I rounded the corner and Hilde stopped talking almost instantly. I hadn't caught the last thing she said as I stifled a yawn, my hearing deserting me for a moment.

"Who's on the phone?" I asked, yawning again. She had been using an oddly hostile tone.

"No one." She replied patiently. "Just some telemarketer."

"Eh?" I breathed, heading for my room again.

"Fuck off and don't call back." She snapped to the caller. Even from across the room I could hear the phone slam onto the cradle.

"Hilde!" I cried sharply, halting to turn back to her. "That was really rude!"

"Well, he shouldn't have been calling!"

I rolled my eyes. "He was just doing his job, geez. You're gonna make someone cry some day, acting like that you know."

"Well good. I hope he does." She was obviously rather peeved, though I couldn't understand why a simple telemarketing call would get her so riled.

"Who pissed in your cheerios?" I questioned. "Calling people isn't an offense punishable by death. Not yet anyhow."

She sighed and I listened to her feet scuff across the hardwood as she stalked past me and into the kitchen. "I know." She replied finally. "I'm just a little stressed I guess."

"Who isn't?" I wondered aloud. "Are you too stressed to do something today?"

"Nah." She sounded better already. "We may as well do some exploring. We can actually learn outside today."

"But… it's _cold_." I protested, remembering the chill weather we had been having lately as winter prepared to descend.

"Actually, it's really nice out today. I even opened the windows for the breeze."

Now that she mentioned it I could feel the cool air that was sliding gently around the room. It was the pleasant sort of cool that was perfect for being outside and playing a good game of basketball or soccer. I smiled, turning to head back to my room to change into real clothes.

When I returned, dressed and willing to venture into the outside world, Hilde was ready for me. She pressed a toast sandwich into my hands, strawberry jam filling and all, before ushering me to the front door. I couldn't help but catch her enthusiastic energy as we exited. For a moment it almost seemed like the terror and pain of the last few days were non-existent. Unimportant.

Hilde was wrong when she said that it was nice outside. It was beautiful. After thoroughly exploring the immediate exterior of the house we moved to the sidewalks. As we walked she described everything she saw. From the cement beneath our feet to the brilliantly blue skies above us, she relayed it all. I felt like she was painting a picture inside my mind with words, and it was absolutely stunning.

After she was satisfied that I knew the step count of the area outside my house well enough to be able to find the house should I happen to leave it, she decided it was lunchtime. Without asking or informing me of where we were going she dragged me away from my comfort zone.

"Hilde, woah, slow down!" I exclaimed, gripping Stick in an iron grasp and trying not to trip over my own feet. "Where are we going?"

"The park! There are probably street vendors out today since it's so nice. We can get hotdogs or something. C'mon, it'll be fun!"

I could tell there was no escaping the voyage, but it was making me nervous as all hell. "Isn't that pretty far from home?"

I really didn't want to be wandering in completely unfamiliar territory just for the sake of food. Driving to the hospital to see Heero and wandering around while there had been an entirely different story. Walking blind then had been the least of my worries where as here… it felt like the greatest. I really wasn't sure I was ready to handle that kind of surprise, but I didn't seem to have a choice.

"Well yes, but I'll be here so no worries!" She patted my arm reassuringly, though it did nothing to ease the twisted knot my stomach was quickly becoming.

"I don't-"

"We're almost there, I mean your house practically faces the park anyhow." She spoke right over any further protests.

She continued to haul me along at a merry pace. I was desperately trying to keep track of how many steps we were taking. It was obviously impossible to keep an accurate record, seeing as I would not be walking at the same speed nor cover the same ground if I were trying to follow this path normally.

When we hit grass, I panicked and stopped dead, digging my heels into the ground and jamming Stick down in front of me with a strangled noise. "Hilde, stop, I have no idea where we are." I loathed the fear that crept into my voice.

"We're there. Take about three more steps and we'll be standing right in front of the vendor's cart." She replied patiently, tugging gently on my arm.

In my state of dismay I had failed to take proper note of my surroundings. As I calmed my racing heart I listened closely. I could hear children laughing and shouting to one another a ways away, could hear the sizzle and crackle of meat on a grill, and smell the hot-dogs. It was suddenly rather obvious where we were and I reprimanded myself for letting my fear take over like it had. Hilde was my friend. I had to trust her for the moment. She wasn't going to hurt me or drag me anywhere I couldn't survive.

We took the remaining distance and I felt Stick clack gently against metal in front of me. I halted abruptly and stood stock still, waiting to see what was going on now.

"Two hotdogs, please?" Hilde requested politely, slipping her hands away from me.

I was now entirely alone and without guidance. I shoved the fear to the back of my mine and concentrated on the matter at hand. I had to ignore anything that wouldn't make the situation better or I would and up breaking from the stress.

"What d'you want on them?" The vendor asked.

We both ordered different toppings and waited for a minute or so before a foil wrapped package was pressed into my hands. Hilde again thanked the man as she latched onto my arm and led me further into the park. The grass was soft and spongy beneath my feet, a rather pleasant feeling. We crunched through some fallen leaves and collapsed on a patch of clear grass.

Lunch was a fairly silent affair but not in an awkward way. I mused about the events of the day, wondering at how much of a difference a day had made. Stretching out on the grass I let my eyes close. Having woken up so early was starting to affect me. I could feel the pull of unconsciousness already.

I sourly recalled the phone call that had woken me. Calling before nine was far from polite. In fact, thinking about it, I wasn't sure it was entirely legal at all. My brow furrowed as I turned onto my side and stared into the blackness.

"Hilde?"

She gave me a muffled sound, obviously still chewing. After a few seconds she managed to speak somewhat clearly. "Yeah?"

"That telemarketer today, what were they calling about?"

There was a pause, long enough to make me wonder what she was thinking. "Oh, nothing. I didn't really pay attention."

"They aren't supposed to call before nine, are they?"

"Oh, honestly!" She exclaimed. "Does it really matter?"

I was instantly confused at her tone. She was nervous and defensive over something. That wasn't right. I didn't want to dwell on it, spoiling a good day. Rolling onto my back again, I sighed and smiled for her. "No, I guess not."

I could always check the caller ID when I returned. Quatre had been nice enough to get one that voiced the numbers so I could use it.

Worries aside, I felt like I could actually cope with life for a while. Hope lingered all around me in the warm sunlight of the afternoon. I knew that it was going to get better, that I could pull through this. Maybe I really could recover and have an almost normal life. Once I pulled my own life together I could work on Heero.

We had run all over after finishing our food. I learned how to successfully run over uneven terrain, following Hilde's happy voice always a few feet in front of me, calling out dangers and directions. It wasn't until quite a few hours later that we returned to the house. Hilde dashed in ahead of me and I heard the phone ringing as I carefully stepped over the threshold. I grinned as I listened to her talk animatedly for a moment before she called me over to her. The phone was pressed into my hand.

"It's Quatre. He wants to talk to you." She smacked my arm as she shuffled past. "I'm going to shower and get ready to make dinner."

"Sounds good." I smiled, waving her off as I turned my attention to the phone. "Hello?"

"Good evening!" He chuckled.

"Hey Quatre." I huffed, flopping unceremoniously on the couch as I pressed the phone to my ear. The cool ear-piece felt good against my skin. "What's up?"

"You sound like you're in a good mood." He responded brightly. "Good day?"

"Excellent, really. We spent _hours_ at the park. Just got back in fact!"

"Hours?" He asked skeptically. "Doing what?"

"Running. A lot. I really should go take a shower, now that I'm back." I mused. "Can I call you back?"

"Um… Sure. I guess so."

I froze. I knew that tone all too well. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"What? Nothing. You should go shower."

"That's not a 'nothing' tone, that is a 'something' tone. Tell me what's going on, Quatre."

He sighed resignedly. "I really don't want to spoil your good mood. It can wait. We can talk later tonight."

"Or we can talk now. It's just going to worry me if you don't tell me. I already know there's a problem, just tell me what it is."

"It's nothing. I just… Well, I just got off the phone with Heero."

I felt like someone had just taken an icy grip on my heart. I feared what he was going to tell me, but I forced myself to ask. "Oh?"

"Yeah. He… sounded pretty upset."

"Upset?" The slightest tingle of hope coursed through me. If he was upset then he still cared.

"It really seemed like he was under the impression that you didn't want to talk to him ever again." He ventured nervously.

"So you thought you'd call to clear that up for him?"

"Well yes. You're not angry, are you? I'm just worried for you guys…"

"No, thank you. I'll give him a call right away."

I could almost feel his relief through the phone. "Oh good." He paused. "Duo?"

"Hm?"

"Good luck, yeah?"

"Yeah. Thanks Cat." A thought suddenly occurred to me as I fiddled with the phone cradle. "Hey, wait."

"What?"

Silence fell between us. I wasn't sure how silly it would be to ask him about my earlier thoughts. Hilde had been skirting the subject of talking to the telemarketer, though, and I couldn't help but think that something was definitely not right. I had the itching feeling that it wasn't just a telemarketer on the line, but I couldn't think of who else she would have spoken to like that.

I decided I could at least ask. Having the right information never hurt anyone. "I was just wondering… Do you know if it's legal for telemarketers to call before nine a.m.?"

The other end was quiet for a moment as he thought about it. Finally he let out a breath and answered. "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they passed a law forbidding calls before ten just last year."

"So they wouldn't call or they could get in trouble?"

"There might be some leeway for a bit. I think it was eight before the change and some companies might be making an adjustment, you know?"

"I guess so. That makes sense."

We said our goodbyes and I replaced the receiver on the cradle with a thoughtful grimace. I explored the surface of the phone's table, looking for the little square box of the caller ID. I found it quickly and began pressing things until I found the speaker button.

"Last incoming call at: 8:25am." The tiny voice crackled. It spat out a number I didn't recognize and didn't bother to copy. If we had the number I could deal with it later. I had better things to do. I picked up the phone again and promptly replaced it on the cradle.

What was I doing?

I knew Heero was at Relena's and I didn't want to chance getting her on the line instead. After several minutes of silent debate I decided that calling his cell would be safest. I let it ring, picking quietly at my nails and wondering what could possibly take him this long to answer.

"Hello?"

My brow furrowed instantly at the timid, polite, _female_ voice on the other end. It took me a moment to recover enough sense to respond. "Um… hi. I think I have the wrong number."

"Sir?"

I paused at the inquiry, my brain foggily beginning to make connections. If he was at Relena's maybe someone had picked up his phone in passing? "I'm looking for Heero Yuy."

"You have the right number, sir." Her voice had lost some of the tense worry. "I'm a maid at the Peacecraft manor, sir."

"Why are you answering his phone?" I asked curiously.

Her voice was instantly tense again. I'm sure she was panicking that she had done something wrong. "I shouldn't have, I apologize. I was cleaning when I heard it ringing and I wasn't sure what to do!"

"No, it's fine." I chuckled. Apparently it was true that no one could resist answering a ringing phone. "I take it he's out then?"

"I'm not sure, sir." She replied politely, sounding relieved. "He left his belongings in his room when he went to Miss Relena's room last night. I'm afraid I haven't seen him since then."

She kept speaking in that same polite tone but I had already stopped listening. My chest was tight with the effort of trying to breathe. I felt like I'd been dealt a blow to the stomach.

He had stayed the night with Relena?

"Sir? Sir?"

The maid's voice interrupted my downward spiral, roughly dragging my scattered, painful thoughts back to the present. "What?"

"I said, would you like me to have him call you?"

"No." My voice sounded far away to my ears. "That's okay. I'll call back."

I hung up without saying goodbye.

Fortunately I didn't have time to linger on the implications of that conversation. Hilde stepped lightly into the room and I heard her flapping the towel around as she dried her hair with it.

"Something wrong? You look upset."

"Heero slept at Relena's."

When she spoke I could almost hear the eye roll. "Of course he did. You knew that. Is it still bothering you?"

"He slept in her room."

She tsked loudly as if she thought I was being stupid. "So sleep in mine. It's never been a big deal before. Do you even know if she was in the same room?"

"Well, no…" Come to think of it the maid hadn't said he'd gone to Miss Relena's room _with her_, but that didn't mean she wasn't there.

"For all you know she was out for the night." Hilde said reasonably. "It's not like they could do anything anyhow. From what I hear you ripped his shoulder up well enough to disable him for a bit."

She had a very valid point. I sighed, trying not to let it bother me. "Are you going to make dinner?"

"Once I'm dressed again _we_ are going to make dinner." She replied.

Dinner wasn't half bad, actually, although she repeatedly told me that we were running low on food. We managed to scrape together some sort of pasta, although it was with a particularly bland sort of tomato sauce. I helped her clean the kitchen, washing and drying dishes. She made sure not to let me near any of the knives, cleaning those herself.

"Are you really going to sleep in your own room again?" I asked as I headed for my bedroom.

"Why? Do you want company?" She teased.

"It couldn't hurt."

She shoved me lightly with a chuckle. "Fine. Let me change. I'll be there in a bit."

I collapsed on my bed after ferreting out a change of clothes. Settling my hands behind my head, I sighed. It had been a rather long and somewhat disturbing day, though I was trying not to let it get to me. It wasn't working very well, but exhaustion was keeping the worst of my musings away.

I needed to talk to Hilde. I fully intended to stay awake long enough ask her about that call again. Not only that, but she was one of the most logical people I knew. If I took the time to ask her, she would be able to help me come up with a plan to apologize to Heero. We could work through the situation and get things in working order.

I had already discovered I couldn't do it on my own.

Unfortunately, despite my every intention to remain conscious, my body had other plans. Sometime during all my thinking, I drifted off to sleep before she ever got to my room. Truth be told, I am still not sure where she slept that night.

The next day we re-explored the house to make sure that even a day or two later I would remember where everything was. She had me recite the number of steps to anywhere in the house from any other point. I was rather proud at my ability to remember and the practice was helping me to move past the fact that I could no longer see.

After repeating the entire layout of the house and backyard she decided that she would give me a break and make dinner by herself. Provided, of course, that I cleaned up afterwards. I agreed with a laugh and we settled in to eat the last of the hotdogs.

"What do you think about heading into the city for a day?" Hilde asked idly as we ate.

"The city?" It would be a major jump from the romping around we'd done the past two days. Navigating city blocks was much different than running over open ground or exploring the house.

"Yeah, I thought we could go shopping. We need to get more food, anyhow, might as well have some fun. You know you want more clothes…"

I chuckled at her devious tone. "It wouldn't be so bad, I guess. I gotta get out sometime, right?"

"Exactly!" She nudged my shin with her toe. "It'll be an adventure."

Adventure. Right. Some fucking adventure.

* * *

/**End Chapter Thirteen, Through the Storm**/


	14. Chapter Fourteen

* * *

/**_Common sense is a game_**

**_Many people don't like to play_**

**_Give in and the moment_**

**_Takes you either way_**/

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

* * *

I slowly clawed my way out of sleep, shoulder throbbing gently along the stitches. Although it felt like ages since I had gotten to Relena's from the hospital, from the time on the digital clock, it had only been one night. It looked like it was late evening, so I must have fallen asleep after trying to get Duo on the phone. The drugs were still fogging my brain, though I could feel them wearing off again.

I groaned, letting my head drop back onto the pillow.

Something bad had happened.

I wished I could recall what, but it was so hard to grasp anything through the haze that had descended. I carefully steeled myself and tried to relax, to find a calm center so I could organize my memories and thoughts.

I could remember a lot of pain, though, a lot of burning in my shoulder because I hadn't taken the painkillers on time. I knew something had happened earlier in the day on the phone, but I couldn't put my finger on what. Something with Duo. Or maybe someone else. Maybe Hilde? I think so.

Damn it!

I had paid dearly for my precious moments of drug-free clarity and they had been useless. I don't think I'd even gotten to speak to Duo. My shoulder was still dully burning though I wasn't sure if it actually hurt or if I were just vividly remembering. To add insult to injury, the bandages now itched. A lot.

My mind was still cloudy when I heard a knock on the doorframe.

"Heero?" Relena's voice dragged me from the depths of grogginess. I opened my eyes and tried to focus on her form in the doorway.

"Yeah?" I sat up and yawned, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I tried to retain consciousness.

The phone hit me lightly in the stomach and fell into my lap. The little red power light glared at me in the darkness as I picked it up and gave Relena a curious look. "Quatre." She informed me quietly, offering me a smile. "Dinner's almost ready so head down when you're done."

I nodded, memory coming back slowly as I woke up fully. "Thanks, I will." I couldn't believe I'd spent the entire day asleep. After Hilde had hung up on me, I could hardly think for the slivering pain in my shoulder. I cursed myself for being stupid enough to refrain from taking the pain medication when I woke the first time. I hadn't had a clearer head. The conversation was washing over me now as I pressed the cell phone to my ear, wondering how Relena had gotten it. "Hello?"

"Hi!" Quatre quipped cheerfully. "How are you feeling? 'Lena said you've been down, but she wouldn't tell me anything else."

"She doesn't know anything else." I stated, leaning back against the pillows.

His voice instantly sounded concerned. "Something happen?"

"You mean beside the fight with Duo at the hospital?"

"You're not still cross because of that, are you?" I can't stand it when he sounds appalled, especially when it was with something that's my fault. It made me feel like the entire situation was completely stupid and uncalled for. I hated it. "You know how Duo is, Heero. Why don't you just call him?"

"I did." I said stonily. Gently, I rubbed the back of my head and tried to force myself to think of the situation at hand. I didn't want to trust Hilde's word but as of right now she was the one living with him, not me. Logic said she would know better.

Quatre was polite enough to not say anything immediately. I'm sure he thought very carefully before speaking. "How did that go?"

"Apparently he doesn't want to talk to me."

He made an incredulous noise. "He said that?"

"Not exactly." I shifted the phone to my other ear and sighed. "If he won't listen to me how am I supposed to accomplish anything? I couldn't even get him on the phone."

"Maybe it's still a little soon. He'll come around." Unfortunately Quatre lacked the proper conviction to make me believe him.

"You don't know that." I accused softly. I knew he meant well, but the future wasn't looking very bright.

"He always has in the past, hasn't he?"

"He's never told me he hated me." I whispered, voice catching. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. "I don't know if he's ever told anyone he hated them."

"Oh come on now." Quatre soothed. "You and I both know he didn't mean that. He even said so right afterwards. He just needs some time to calm down and think this all out properly. Stuff like this has happened before. We've all had to deal with Duo having a fit over something at one time or another."

I groaned. He was right but it wasn't helping. "So what? Am I just supposed to sit here and wait?"

"Actually, that's what I was calling about. I was thinking about something you said last week, something about Duo getting a guide dog."

"Yeah…" I was waiting for a point.

"Well, so? I took the liberty of looking into it this morning, but guide dogs aren't common at all. Someone's going to have to personally train one. Relena said you'd have a better idea than she would."

"Quatre, I can do a lot of things most other people alive can not. Training dogs, however, is not one of them."

"You're telling me you couldn't find someone who could?"

He had a very valid point, now that I saw it. "What about Trowa?" I suggested a moment later.

"Trowa doesn't train animals." Quatre said confusedly.

"Yes I know. Someone at the circus _does_, right?"

"I suppose so. Oh, hold on." There were muffled voices in the background as Quatre quickly covered the phone. I waited patiently for several minutes as they discussed something. Finally, he returned and sighed. "I'm sorry, I've got to run. Can you call Trowa and get back to me tomorrow?"

"Sure."

I clicked the phone shut and tossed it gently onto the nightstand. Taking a look around I realized I was still in Relena's room. Well, whatever. I managed to get myself out of the bed and padded across the room to her desk. Opening the small vid-screen there, I took a seat and tried to remember the number to the circus with which Trowa traveled. Eventually I tapped out a number I thought was right and got a curious looking Catherine on the screen.

"Heero?"

I blinked. Catherine didn't normally answer the vid-screen calls. "Cathy I need to speak to Trowa for a minute."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to talk."

She gave me a skeptical look, but disappeared off the screen. I could hear background noise as I settled back to wait. For all I knew Trowa hadn't even made it back to them yet. I knew that they had just made a trip to Earth, so they might not have been very far away from us. I heard someone returning and the screen turned to static for a moment before it began to clear.

"Trowa?" I asked as soon as the image on the vid-screen resolved itself.

"Yes?" He gave me a confused look.

"I need a dog."

"…A dog?" I received a look that clearly said my friend thought I was insane. "Can you take care of a dog?"

I allowed myself a faint smile. I had a hard enough time keeping my own life in working order, after all. "It's not for me."

"Relena…?" He guessed, confused.

"No, Duo."

There was a long silence as Trowa stared at me. "Duo?" He asked at last. "Heero, he can't take care of a dog."

"A guide dog."

He sighed, closing his eyes for a second before taking a deep breath. "There aren't any guide dog programs anymore. It was the first thing I asked Thomas when I got back last night."

"I know. If we got a pup, could we train it ourselves?"

Silence fell as he considered it. I'm sure his mind traced over the same paths mine had when Quatre suggested it. Properly trainable dogs were not the most common creatures of the world unless you had a lot of money. Finding one would be hard enough, not even considering finding one that could be properly trained in the manner we needed it to be. If we managed to find one there was still the problem of the actual training. I knew it wasn't impossible, though, because I had seen a man with a guide dog as a child. That's why I had suggested it to Duo in the first place. Someone out there knew how to train them, and if there was anything I was good with it was finding things.

"I guess." He concluded at last. "I'll ask Thomas about it."

"Thank you. I'll call back tomorrow." The vid-screen went dark and I leaned back in my chair again.

"Mr. Yuy?" A quiet voice asked from outside the door.

I closed the vid-screen as I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. "Yeah?" I called, hunting down my shoes.

"I am sorry to bother you, sir, but Miss Relena wishes to know if you'll quote, 'be down sometime this century'. What should I tell her?"

I growled when I recognized the voice and opened the door. "Kirsten… How nice. Tell her to stop hyperventilating. I'll be down in a minute." She smiled and turned to go. "And how many times do I have to tell you to call me Heero?"

She only gave me a cheeky grin and tried to keep from actually running down the hallway. Kirsten was one of the younger maids in the manor at just over twelve years old. Duo had found her after a battle we got caught up in practically eradicated her city and we had taken her to Relena, not knowing what else to do. Her family and friends were gone, her home was no longer standing, and she wouldn't have had anywhere else to turn.

She had spent almost half a year being nasty to us because of that battle. Eventually Relena got through and convinced her that we were all doing the best we could to ensure an end to the war. After that she had apologized to us and asked Relena if she could help around the grounds. The head of the kitchen staff had immediately taken the girl under her wing. She still had a very feisty personality. It was always nice to see her doing well.

I grabbed a pill from the open container on the nightstand but the small water glass no longer had water in it. Sighing, I left the bedroom, heading for the dining hall. The corridors were vacant, echoing with the wind outside the huge windows. The Peacecraft manor was not a scary place by nature. It wasn't even a little intimidating, not to me. Sometimes, however, I caught myself wondering what kinds of ghosts wandered the building in the dead of night.

It gave me chills.

I hurried along, wishing I could rid myself of the spider-webs on my skin feeling of being watched. Eventually I reached the dining area and slipped inside. It was empty save for a single figure sitting idly toward one end. There was a large platter covered in a silvery dome sitting in front of her and several glasses of water in a cluster at the next seat. She looked up when I entered, and offered me a smile as I slipped into a seat.

"Nice of you to join the living." Relena said amusedly from where she sat, leaning back in her chair.

"Funny." I grimaced, downing the pill in my hand with a sip from one of the water glasses on the table. "What's the news of the day?"

She let out a tired breath and closed her eyes, her head dropping back against the headrest. "Everyone's been throwing fits over that stupid guerilla group."

"The what?"

"The Marauders." She groaned, opening one eye to look at me. "They haven't let up yet and no one will settle anything as long as they are still causing a problem and threatening the peace."

"Have they issued a statement? Demands?" I questioned, taking a seat and lifting the top off of a silver serving platter. I gave Relena a wry look when I saw the sandwiches piled there.

She smiled innocently then shook her head. "You were right- they're looking for something. We just don't know what or why. We don't even know where they came from."

"Do you think they are working for any of the current nation leaders?" I questioned dubiously, taking a bit of sandwich. They were actually pretty good.

"I don't honestly know. Everyone claims to be unassociated but if that's true we have an even bigger problem. If no one we know is responsible for the attacks that means there is a whole new power of unknown size and strength that we know nothing about."

I settled back and let that information sink in as I chewed. She huffed in frustration and leaned forward to nick a half a sandwich and think as well. It was troubling to say the least, and not at all pleasant to think about. This wasn't just small stuff any longer. We were up against a faceless, untraceable enemy.

During the early stages and toward the end of the war there had been very clear cut lines. Especially at the end of the war. There were the Colonies, the Earth Sphere, OZ, and of course us, the gundam pilots. We were a force of our own working toward peace. There had been other forces, major ones. Romafeller came and went like a tide. Treize and Milliardo had battled constantly, sometimes against each other, sometimes against a common foe. They were there through most of the war, though, and it seemed strange not to have them now that the war was over. The Marauders might have made sense if Treize were still around. We might have even been able to politely negotiate.

Actually, Treize had always been a bit of an ass, in my opinion. It wasn't so much what he did as how he did it that makes me think that way. He knew what he wanted and he worked toward that no matter what happened to his name along the way. By the time Wu Fei finally killed him his name had been dragged through the mud and picked up and polished more times than I can count on both my hands. The thing was, though, that no matter what happened, no matter what else was going on in the war… everyone knew where Treize stood. He declared his enemies and allies in very clean cut black and white.

It was the same way with Milliardo, when he was alive. You always knew if he was with you or against you. That was one of the things I liked about those two. They took full responsibility for their actions and never took the cowardly way out of anything. If there was going to be a battle they would meet it face to face, head held high. They expected no less from themselves, their soldiers, and each other. None of the pussy-footing around that Romafeller and OZ had done.

Thinking about that, though, made me realize that who ever the Marauders were working with or under they were not any part of something Treize or Milliardo had devised.

At last, I sighed and looked over to Relena, who was staring moodily into space. "It's probably not very complicated." I offered, gaining her attention. "The Marauders are probably just whatever is left of OZ. We killed the major leaders, but there were probably enough minors to pull together a small fighting force."

"I don't know." She countered, obviously doubtful. "That doesn't make sense. OZ wasn't stupid, or at least wasn't that stupid. I'd imagine that if they had only a small force they would have the brains to sit tight. Why would they bother striking at us right now?"

"Trust." I stated simply. "No one's taking the blame but ten to one says that everyone is trying to assign it to one of the others."

"Divide and conquer." Relena looked sharply at me. "They couldn't possibly hope to actually accomplish something on that scale, could they?"

I shrugged. "From what they are doing they seem rash enough to try."

"With so few…" She murmured, taking a bite of her sandwich.

I watched her for a few heartbeats before returning to my own dinner. I could feel the slight tug of the drugs as they began their cycle, but I ignored it. My body was already adapting to the chemical agent, learning how to function around it. I hoped that it wouldn't get in the way of its numbing properties, as well, because being able to feel my shoulder again had already proven to be a bad experience.

"What did Quatre have to say to you?"

I glanced over, swallowing quickly. "Not a lot."

"He called earlier today, as well, but apparently you were out cold. He left a message about a guide dog. Did he talk to you about that?"

I really hated when she already knew something and only asked me out of politeness. I had to guess that it was a female thing because Hilde did it, too. None of the guys danced around asking a direct question.

"Yes." I responded quietly.

"Well?"

I gave her a questioning look and shifted in my seat. "Well what?"

"Are you going to?" She asked, rolling her eyes.

"We're going to try."

"Good. I'll have Pagan look into it, as well. He's good at finding things."

"Pagan?" I echoed, confused.

"Yes." She waved it off with a shake of her head. "Anyhow, are you going to call him?"

"Pagan?" I repeated, more confused.

"Look, Heero, if you can't keep up with the conversation." She grinned at me and I knew she was only teasing me. "Duo. Are you going to call?"

"I already did."

"Oh. And?" She prompted, leaning forward curiously.

I dropped my gaze to my hands and shook my head. "Maybe I will call back later." I pushed my chair out and got to my feet. "Please excuse me."

Dragging my feet, I made a stop by Relena's room before walking the distance back to my own room. I had needed to pick up my phone anyhow. As I walked I dialed Duo's cell phone number, instead of the house. Hopefully he would be the one to answer, not Hilde. I was mildly surprised when it didn't even ring, automatically switching to the voice mail after just a few seconds. Unprepared to leave a message, I blinked and allowed several seconds of dead air before I managed to find my voice.

"Duo, it's Heero. We need to talk, please give me a call when you get this message. I'll try back later."

I silently cursed as I shut the phone. He must have turned it off. There was really no other logical explanation. Maybe he didn't see a use to leaving it on, now that he had a real phone at the house.

Sighing, I gently pushed open the door to my room and tossed the phone onto the bed. What I needed was a good shower. A nice, long bath where I could relax and properly think about everything. I pulled my shirt off over my head and tossed it near the phone. Practically tearing the itchy bandages off, I headed for the bathroom. I knew that taking a shower and/or bath like I planned would leave a lot of room for infection, what with the stitches and all, but I wanted one so badly I didn't care. It wasn't as if I could feel my shoulder anyhow. Someone could have taken a knife to it and I probably wouldn't have flinched.

After undressing, I drew a bath and sat on the edge of the tub, watching the tendrils of steam extend lazily into the air. My fingertips just barely touched the surface of the water, creating ripples that turned in on themselves when they hit the other side. For a few minutes it felt like time held no meaning. I could have sat there for the rest of eternity, watching the steam and ripples of the bath. I could have been content to forget and let myself drift away.

Shaking my head I lifted my feet as I rotated and slid into the almost scalding water. I don't know why but for some reason I had always like my water almost uncomfortably hot. Maybe it was because it soothed me, the gentle burn just close enough to painful to remind me I was still alive. Maybe it was because it discouraged most people from trying to join me. I closed my eyes, letting my muscles relax as I smiled.

Yeah, I could have just locked the door any time I showered, but it was far funnier to watch the others slip in with me only to realize it felt skin-meltingly hot. I particularly remember the first time Quatre made an attempt at showering with me without checking the temperature. He had tried to hop out again so fast that he had taken the entire shower curtain down with him. The noise sent Wu Fei and Trowa running in to make sure no one was dead, only to find Quatre in a heap on the floor and me collapsed in a corner of the still running shower, laughing so hard I thought I would cry.

I'm not usually one for laughing, really. I used to be. I used to laugh all the time when I was younger. There was a line that I crossed, however, and could never find again to uncross. When I think back I try to remember the point in my life where I finally realized how serious the war was, and how far reaching its effects were. The time I realized how many people it killed, guilty or not. I could never really tell exactly when I'd become so jaded. I only know that I had and that I couldn't go back.

Sometimes, though, I remembered what it was to laugh. There were times, hanging out with the other gundam pilots, that I could almost forget there was a war. I could forget that tomorrow we had to kill again. I could pretend that I had a normal life and that I was a normal teenage kid out for some fun with his best friends. It's funny because I am not sure there was anything I deserved less than happiness in the face of everything I had done.

I sighed, sinking low into the cooling water and closing my eyes. I hated thinking like that. It never did me any good and always seemed to actually make a situation worse. I didn't like trying to pull myself out of it once I'd begun, and the bath was already getting colder than I wanted to stick around for. With a dismayed groan I hauled myself out of the tub and snatched a towel off the rack next to the toilet. One of the big, white, fluffy ones that I love.

I very carefully patted the stitches and the area around them as dry as I could and rooted around in the top drawer by the sink. I could swear I had put the anti-biotic salve in there. Sure enough, I quickly found the yellow and orange tube. I coated the angry red flesh of my shoulder with it, grateful that I couldn't feel a thing. I can only imagine how much it would have hurt.

I didn't have bandages in the bathroom but I knew there were more in my bag. I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to rewrap my shoulder on my own, but I decided I would find a way. After rubbing my hair at least a little dry, I slung the towel around my waist, grabbed my discarded clothes, and headed for my room.

"Well _that's_ not something I wanted to see right before bed," came a drawling, sweet voice from my right side.

"Kirsten!" I choked, startled. "What are you doing in here?"

She rolled her eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Waiting for you, duh."

"No shit." I snapped, tossing the rest of my clothes over with where I had dropped my shirt earlier.

"Hey, watch your language. There are little kids in the room." She poked, though I could tell she was only teasing me.

"What do you want? I'm a little busy."

"If you're gonna be so nasty I'll just leave!" She exclaimed. "Don't you need someone to help you bandage your shoulder anyhow?"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out before I continued. I hadn't been around to visit her in ages and snapping wouldn't do any good. Aside from that, she was right. I did need help. "I'm just a little stressed and I need to get to sleep soon. I'd appreciate your assistance."

"You know," she began, catching the roll of clean white gauze I tossed in her direction, "your friend Trowa called while you were in there, but he said he would call you back tomorrow morning."

"Did he?"

"Yeah, that's why I came here." She made me sit and set to work making sure my sutures were clean as she began to wrap my shoulder. "Well, that and I wanted to see if you'd talk for a bit. I haven't seen you in forever cause you hardly ever stay here long."

"I know, I'm sorry." I let her finish before I stood, keeping a firm grip on my towel. "Turn." I requested.

She got to her feet and turned around so that her back was facing me. I studied her for a moment to make sure she wasn't going to turn around again before I rifled through my duffle bag and found something clean to wear.

"So where's Duo?" She began as I dressed. "You all stopped in not too long ago but I didn't make it down in time to say hello."

"We're having a bit of trouble right now." I said ambiguously.

"What did you do this time?" I could hear the grin in her voice and I shot the back of her head a sour glare for it. "Or is it none of my business?" She asked cheekily.

"Just things. You know how we all take sadistic pleasure in accepting blame so others don't have to. Duo got mad, I got upset, Duo got upset, Quatre got mad at us both and I haven't heard from Duo since then."

"You tried calling?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?" I wondered, pulling my shirt on over my head. "Does it seem like I wouldn't?"

"Well, yes. Did you?"

"Of course I did. Twice."

"And?"

"Hilde picked up and told me to fuck off, and he's not answering his cell phone. Excuse my language."

"They involved _her_ in this?" Her disgust was almost tangible.

No one has really figured out why Kirsten hated Hilde so much. Hilde's never _done_ anything to merit the distaste, and Kirsten wasn't an unreasonable person most of the time. I had always just assumed it was because Hilde was so close to Duo. That didn't really make much sense, though, because I was closer to Duo than anyone and Kirsten still liked me. She liked the other boys, too, despite their own relations with him. I chalked it up to Hilde being the only _girl_ really close to Duo like we were.

"She is one of his best friends." I pointed out. "You can turn around again."

"Yeah," she quipped, turning and glaring. "but she's just gonna cause trouble if she wants Duo for herself."

"It's really up to Duo." I said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She frowned. "That's a really crappy way to go about it, you know?" She walked across the room and took a seat next to me. "It's a two way path that only works when you meet in the middle."

I looked over and gave her a skeptical look. "So now I'm taking love advice from a twelve year old?" I joked softly.

"Yeah." She grinned in the same manner Duo always did just before he said something really stupid. "And it'll be the best advice you ever get."

"Yeah? Who told it to you?" I inquired teasingly.

"Sasya." She admittedly with a pout. "She's pretty smart sometimes."

Sasya was one of the live-in maids of the manor and one of the only adults that Kirsten respected without question. She had adopted Sasya as her mom almost as soon as she met the woman, and they had gotten along beautifully since then. I never really spoke to the staff, but Sasya had greeted me on occasion. I knew she didn't really approve of many of the things we all did, but thankfully her beliefs had never transferred to Kirsten.

"Isn't it past your bedtime?"

"No." She pouted, though she got to her feet. "I can decide when to go to bed, thank you."

I smiled again and nodded. "If you say so."

"I do!" She insisted, giving me a mocking glare. "Just cause I'm younger than you doesn't mean I can't do things."

"I know." I watched her head for the door. "Goodnight."

She lay a hand on the door handle and turned just enough to see me. "Good luck, y'know? Night."

She left quietly and I lay back, shoving my clothes to the floor just in time to remember that my cell phone was among them. I winced at the solid clunk it made upon hitting the floor and peeked over to find it. I reached down, fishing it out and setting it on the nightstand. I stared at it for a long time, watching the lamplight glitter off the reflective, silvery surface.

Kirsten, or rather Sasya, was right. Whatever happened would be a result of what both Duo and I chose to do. I couldn't just give up on him. I wasn't going to walk away without resolving something for real.

It felt odd, taking the advice of an adult even if it was through the voice of a child. Sure, the doctors had been old, but that didn't make them adults and certainly hadn't made them mature. I tried hard to remember any sort of adult influence on my life. I vaguely remembered when I lived with Odin, but he had never really been around for talking. I'd met Howard on occasion, but he wasn't really the type to take too much advice from. The only other real adults I could remember seriously talking to were Treize and Lady Une, both of whom were never really that sound of judgment.

I sighed, closing my eyes and turning onto my back once more. It didn't really matter, anyhow, I thought as I fell asleep. I'd never needed adults before, why did I need them now?

It's not like I didn't know what I was doing… Maybe.

* * *

/**End Chapter Fourteen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	15. Chapter Fifteen

* * *

**/_I've never been the praying kind_**

**_But lately I've been down upon my knees_**

**_Not looking for a miracle_**

**_Just a reason to believe_/**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

* * *

I woke early the next morning to the horribly annoying sound of my phone ringing. What was this, everyone talk to Heero week? I'd never had so many conversations in my life. I reached over and groggily flipped open the phone, pressing it gently to the side of my head about where my ear should be.

"It's," I checked the clock, "seven thirty, what could you possibly want?"

"It's nice to hear you're as charming as ever." Quatre laughed. "I was just calling before I stepped out for the day. I wanted to know if you'd gotten hold of Trowa yet today or if I should call?"

"I called. He said he'd call back."

"Oh. Okay." He sounded mildly disappointed.

"You can still call him." I pointed out, yawning. "Was that all?"

"No. I was going to call last night to tell you to call Duo, if he hasn't already called you. He said he was going to when last I spoke to him."

My heart skipped a beat as I sat up, eyes widening. "He called me?"

"Well if I knew, would I ask?"

"No." I found it hard to listen to him through the blood rushing past my ears. Had he called? Had he _not_ called? Worse, had I _missed_ his call? "I have to go."

"Okay. Talk to you later."

"Okay." I slithered out of bed, pulling on clean clothes as I tried to dial Duo's cell phone. I pressed it to my ear as I grabbed a pill and headed down the hallway, hoping he would actually pick up this time. His voice-mail answered, sounding as cheerful as it always had. I left a slightly desperate message and clicked the phone shut, cursing myself.

"Hey," Relena called after me, popping out of a doorway I had just passed. I ignored her and kept walking, thinking of phoning Duo again, useless as it would be. "Hey, Heero, stop!" When I didn't obey she started after me. Knowing that she was indeed very serious about talking to me, I trailed to a halt.

"What?" I groaned, turning to face her.

"Well if you're going to be an ass I won't give you the number of the dog breeder Pagan found." She huffed, though she was smiling just underneath her stern look.

"He found one?" My eyes widened. "Already?"

"Last night." She passed me a slip of paper with a number, a name, and a little information on it. "I just got off the phone with her when I saw you walk past. She sounds pretty nice. I told her a little bit about the situation and she said that her dogs did pretty well with basic training and she'd had a couple trained specifically for helping people in the past."

"How did he find her?" I marveled. I had thought for sure it would take me hours of looking to find anyone remotely close to what I would need.

She pulled a scowl. "He won't say. I've just come to accept that I'm never going to figure out how he learns what he knows." She shook her head to dismiss it. "Were you going to get breakfast?"

"Uh… yes." Actually, I hadn't been, but after she mentioned it I found that I was rather hungry.

"Good, I'll go with you. I have to leave in a little bit, conferences are starting." She rolled her eyes as she grabbed my arm and started walking again. "I probably won't be home until tomorrow."

"So we're not going out shopping?" I asked, almost hoping she wouldn't be home in time. I really didn't want to spend a day in town. Duo had tried (and succeeded in) getting me into cities all over and they were never really my thing. Especially not if I were going to have to be dragged into store after store.

"Of course we are! Maybe just a little later than I had hoped, but it'll be fine. We'll still have most of the day."

I groaned, allowing myself to be dragged all the way to the dining hall. We grabbed a quick breakfast and I managed to take my pill somewhere in there. It felt very rushed and she was gone before she could really get to talking to me. I watched her retreating form as I settled back in my chair and pulled out my phone.

I dialed Duo's number once more, but the voice-mail picked up. Frustrated and feeling quite a bit like a stalker, I left another message. Just before I finished, my call waiting beeped. At first I wasn't sure what it was, as it had only gone off one or two times before since I had gotten the phone. I clicked over as soon as I realized someone was trying to get through, hoping it was Duo.

"Hello?"

"Thomas said he could probably design a program, but it would be up to us to carry through with it unless we paid him."

Trowa. I took a breath and forced myself to relax. I was getting way too worked up about this whole situation. "I can get a dog."

"When?"

"Today. Will you come with me?"

"We would have to go this afternoon."

I liked talking to Trowa. We always managed to get right to the point. There was never any skipping around questions and answers, no subtlety. It was soothing on my nerves to know that someone was logical and reasonable without trying to interfere in anything they didn't need to, but at the same time they were there when I needed them.

"Sure. Can you be here by three?" I asked, knowing it would take him a while to get here from the circus. "You may have to stay the night."

"See you then."

"Bye."

I hung up and made my way to my room to get ready. Hopping online I grabbed directions to the address scribbled on the paper Relena had given me. I didn't really want to call her, as Relena already had. The note said that she had a litter of three month old German Shepard puppies up for adoption. I hoped that she would still have at least one by the time we got there. Somehow I didn't think it would be a problem.

Trowa arrived just before three and found me curled up on my bed, blanked out but not asleep. The drugs were really ceasing to have as much effect now, after only a few days. I was truthfully surprised it had taken as long as it had. I had checked the label before I lay down, wondering why I hadn't thought to before. I had recognized the name, then. Zedal-codine. It was fairly new still, a strong painkiller-sedative with relatively few side effects.

"Ready?" Trowa asked, not moving from where he stood, arms folded.

I rolled out of bed, nodding. I grabbed my phone, wondering if maybe I should try Duo one more time, but decided against it. I already felt like I was stalking him. After picking up my coat and stuffing my wallet into the pocket I was ready to go. We made our way to Trowa's truck. I pulled myself up into the passenger side and settled in, wondering how he could stand to drive such a large vehicle. He was a lot taller than me, though, so I suppose it was easier.

Closing the car door as quietly as possible, I leaned back and closed my eyes. "Hey." I caught his attention before he could get the car started. "If we do get a dog today, can you watch it tomorrow? Relena wants to go shopping."

"You don't even have the dog and you're already asking me to watch it?" He started the car.

"Yes." I sulked, though I smiled. "Will you?"

"Good." I smiled smugly. "Hope you'll get along without me there."

"Don't worry." He returned, tossing me a look. "I'm just trading one dog for another." I snorted at the remark, and he turned his head to look at me. "But it'll probably snuggle better."

"Hey." I warned, crossing my arms. "If you want to snuggle, talk to Quatre."

"Watch it." He warned. "You know better than to go there."

I eyed him as to road flew by, trying to figure out what I should say to that. I wanted to ask what was going on now that they were so very free to do as they pleased. Trowa and Quatre had been dancing around one another since they met. Three years now and even though they had pretty much gone exclusive toward anyone but each other, they still had not gotten together. It was frustrating to watch, even for me. I know it had been driving Duo nuts for the past few months.

Of course I am sure you've noticed that I am not exactly the prying sort. If I don't _need_ to know it, why bother asking? However, Duo had taught me a lot of things in the past and one of them was how to care for people properly, especially my friends. Maybe I didn't always actually _act_ on what I knew I should probably do, but I at least was aware. I felt like I should be asking _something_ now.

The car rocked gently as we sped along. "So… are you really going to stay with the circus?" I asked quietly, watching the clouds move sluggishly in the sky.

He was quiet for a moment before he sighed, not taking his eyes from the road. "Yeah. I guess."

"You guess?" As neither one of us were big on talking, it was kind of hard to pry anything meaningful out of a conversation. I knew if I could get Trowa talking, however, that I would be able to respond easier as well. We'd gotten into some lengthy discussions in the past.

"Yeah. There isn't much for me anywhere else."

"Quatre's not much?" I asked, dropping my hands into my lap and picking at my thumb, trying to sound less confused than I was.

"Don't go there, Heero." I could have kicked myself at the tone he used, but I didn't want to drop the subject. It wouldn't come up again without a lot of work.

"Already there. Trowa, you can't just disappear and think you can get away from him. Do you have any idea how much that'll hurt him?"

He wouldn't meet my eyes and didn't speak for a moment. I thought he was going to ignore me until at last he sighed. "I know. I've thought about it a lot. It's better if I don't stay. He's got a family bloodline he needs to carry on and I can't do that. I'm probably not good for him in a lot of ways."

"So you're just going to leave?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to leave, Heero. So just shut up about it."

I might have left it at that if he hadn't added the last bit. I might have dropped the subject and attempted to bring it up later if he hadn't gotten so grouchy about it. As it was I knew that it had to be bothering him quite a bit more than he let on if he were snapping at me, of all people. It had to hurt him more than he wanted me to notice.

"After everything you've been through, everything you've survived and managed to make it out of, are you seriously going to pick up and haul off without letting him know what you're doing? Did you even ask him what **_he_** wanted?"

He wouldn't answer me, ignoring the scowl I directed at him.

I was really frustrated at Trowa's lack of conviction and confidence. As often as I bickered with Quatre I _did_ care for him and I didn't want to see him get hurt by carelessness. Trowa was my friend, but sometimes he could be really bull-headed about this sort of thing. Worse than me and that was saying a lot.

I leant back and closed my eyes again with a long suffering sigh, promising myself that I wouldn't let him just drop it entirely. I couldn't let him give up because I knew that he wouldn't let me give up in the same situation.

"I know." He said before I could speak. "We're not done."

"Yes." I agreed. "Just… you know. Think about what I said. Maybe I'm not the best person to give anyone advice on their love lives, but… well." I shook my head. "Don't leave till you talk to him again. At least ask." The rest of the ride was spent in total silence.

The house was fairly large, rolling green grass surrounding it on all sides. I could see a metal fence in the backyard and flashes of dogs bolting after one another. On our way to the front door they all noticed us and put up a fuss, barking and howling as they jumped at the fence. I had never seen so many dogs in my life and honestly I was a little scared of them. They had deep throated voices and what looked to be like very sharp teeth. I hoped there were fewer dogs inside than outside.

I knocked politely and after only a moment a short, pleasant looking lady answered, pushing back a jet black dog with one hand. It was deathly silent and from where I stood it looked larger than the others in the backyard. I swallowed and tried to find my voice. Fortunately she decided to speak first.

"Can I help you?"

"We're here in the hopes of purchasing a puppy from you." Trowa intervened before I could speak. I was infinitely grateful I had brought him along. I still wasn't very good at speaking to civilians. It was something I would definitely have to work on in the future.

"Our friend Relena phoned earlier?" I offered thickly, catching the stern look on her face.

She brightened immediately. "Oh! Yes, I remember. Please, come in. Don't mind the dogs." She tittered amusedly, moving back to allow us entry.

Trowa and I slipped inside and the first thing I noticed was the smell of dog. Everywhere. This lady had to have lived for her dogs above everything else. I could hear the higher pitched yaps of puppies in the next room over and the deep, throaty sounds of a couple of dogs mock fighting nearby. I shifted somewhat nervously as the big black Shepard that had greeted us at the door gave me a skeptical look and sniffed at my leg.

"Odin, leave it." The lady ordered. The black Shepard, who was apparently named Odin, gave her a sulky look as he wagged his tail, walking over to her.

I raised my eyebrows at the name. "Odin?" Somehow I knew I wasn't going to be walking out of the house without a dog. There was no way it was pure coincidence that the first dog we saw in the house had that name. Of all the names anywhere it was the same as the man I had held as my own father figure once upon a time.

We wandered through two rooms that each had a litter of puppies with their mother. There were two other people moving around the house, but I only caught glimpses of them. They appeared to be the lady's children, or perhaps youngsters from the area who helped out with the care of the dogs. I couldn't be sure without asking, and I didn't care that much.

The point, as sadly disappointing as it was, was that I didn't see any dog that really felt like it would be able to do what was required of it. Honestly it would have been a miracle if we found a dog on the first trip. Maybe I wasn't even expecting to find anything close. I could tell that _she_ already knew we wouldn't find what we wanted. She was trying too hard to convince us of which puppy would be good enough.

Trowa was listening to her waffle on while feigning interest. I couldn't even muster that much. I let my attention wander across the room to a darkened room. There was a gate set up in the doorway. My first thought was that it was to keep the puppies from wandering into the room, but on closer inspection there appeared to already be a dog inside. It stood just behind the gate, watching us curiously, its tail wagging slowly from side to side. Like it was waiting.

"What about that one?" I asked quietly, indicating the large black dog that was locked in the bathroom with a gate. It looked young and quiet, less rowdy than the puppies rolling and romping around in the pen in front of us. "Is it for sale?"

"You don't want that one." The lady said tartly. Her voice held an odd mixture of grief and bitter anger.

Something about her tone made me want to challenge her. "Yes, I do. How much do you want?"

"She is not for sale. She's being put down tomorrow."

"Oh… Why? She looks fine."

"She bit someone." The lady said sharply, clearly done discussing the issue. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't.

"What were they doing to provoke her?" I shot, my glance sliding between the lady and the trapped dog. She didn't look like she would be the type to bite anyone without being goaded into it.

"Nothing. My son trained her in German so that she would only listen to him. Unfortunately he died and left us with quite a dilemma. No one else knows the language."

"Trained her? Look, I'll take her off your hands. Whatever you want, I'll pay." I offered, slightly put out at her attitude. If she already had some sort of training things would go so much faster. My eyes settled stonily on the dog, determined to get her.

"Sir, I won't be responsible for selling you a dog that could injure someone. She won't listen to a word anyone says-"

"Hopp!" I barked sharply.

Over the gate the dog gave me a reproachful look, ears switched back against her head as though she didn't take kindly to being ordered around. I cast a glance toward Trowa, who offered only the faintest hint of a shrug.

"Loki won't listen to anyone, I told you. Now did you want to look at the puppies or should I show you the door?" It was clear she was pissed with me.

"Loki?" I inquired. Loki had been the Norse fire god of mischief and trickery. As a quickly bored individual, he loved to pull tricks on all the gods and often times it was only his quick-witted nature that rescued them.

I wondered how Shinigami would deal with a trickster.

The dog's ears perked forward at her name and she cocked her head to the side. She was the picture of confusion and curiosity.

"Loki, hopp!" I tried once more, hoping she would listen to me, for her own sake.

Her ears flicked back again and I heard her nails click on the tile as she backed into the darkened recesses of the bathroom. I felt my heart fall as her pitch back fur faded into the shadows. She was so beautiful and if she already had some training, it would have been perfect. Sighing in defeat I turned back to the lady, who was giving me an exasperated expression that bordered on sadness.

"I told you." She sounded more patient after looking at me. "She won't listen."

There was a click of nails on tile again and Loki came gracefully over the top of the gate, landing on the other side a little awkwardly. The dog looked at me with glittering green eyes. Against the stark black of her fur it was rather unnerving, but seemed all the more perfect and fitting. She made no move to back away or come closer, only watching me with a quiet curiosity.

"Sitz." I finally said. She gave me a very skeptical look, as if to say that she was only going to do this because it was in both of our best interest. Maybe she knew where she was going if she didn't find an escape. Slowly she leaned forward, her haunches moving forward and… she sat. I smiled broadly and looked to the woman, who was staring at me with a rather dry frown.

"It looks like everyone eats their words sometimes."

"May I take her or not?" I asked wearily, smile faltering. "I'll give you good compensation if you will allow me to have her." I dipped my hand into a pocket in my jacket, looking for the bills I had put there earlier.

She sighed irritably. "I suppose, but you'll have to sign a release. I won't be responsible if she turns on you."

I rolled my eyes. We moved to the kitchen, leaving Trowa and Loki in the room alone. I filled out a packet of papers and she hand-wrote another with a statement saying I accepted charge for all damages the dog might cause. Somehow I was confident that she wouldn't hurt anyone. What was it Trowa was always saying? Animals only bare their fangs at enemies.

Finally, she was mine. I paid the lady and walked quickly back to the side room, throwing a glance to Trowa as I entered. He nodded. We'd been here long enough; it was time to go home.

I looked to Loki who was still sitting quietly where I had left her, tail wagging in slow arcs behind her. "Heir." I called.

She got to her feet, giving a cursory glance into the kitchen as she passed. The lady shuffled the papers into a neat pile, flipping through them quickly. She emerged a moment later and handed me my own copies and a faded leash. I clipped the leash onto Loki's collar and turned to leave.

"Before you go I suppose I should tell you." She halted us. "Loki was trained solely in German, so she won't listen to a word of any other language. My son had been training her to help him, after his disease crippled him. If you want to train her to help your friend, and you really do know German you should try to figure out what she already knows."

"What?"

"She's a good dog. She knows quite a bit and if you are thinking of training her like Miss Relena mentioned when I spoke to her… She may already be partially trained."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"Loki is special, Mr. Yuy." That she knew my name surprised me for only a split second before I remembered how many people would be able to recognize me. "She listens to whom she pleases. I wanted to know she was going to someone who was capable of properly handling her. If she doesn't listen to your friend, bring her back."

"Bring her back?" I was very confused. This lady's entire demeanor had just changed before my eyes.

"Yes. I'll find a home for her somewhere else."

Realization dawned on me. "You were never going to put her down, were you?"

"Not a chance." She shook her head and smiled. "Although it's true that she _is_ trained only in German, she _hasn't_ listened to anyone, and she _did_ bite me. She's quite a bit like her father."

I got a strange prickling feeling along my neck, like I knew what was going to happen. "Her father?"

She motioned to the black dog that had greeted us when we arrived. "Odin."

Fate, it seems, has a good sense of humor sometimes.

We left shortly afterwards, Loki in tow. She didn't appear to appreciate being leashed one she had gotten into the car. I had to pull her back on numerous occasions throughout the ride as she tried to get to Trowa's window. Of all the windows in the car she wanted to stick her head out the driver's. I eventually ended up clambering into the back seat to sit with her, where she fell asleep contentedly on my lap.

I sighed, sinking into the seat and wondering just how far into trouble I had gotten myself. The landscape rushed silently by outside my window as I stared up at the sky. The car rocked gently around me, making me sleepy. I curled my fingers into the thick ruff of soft fur around Loki's neck and closed my eyes. I just hoped that whatever else happened, things would work out. They had to get better, right?

* * *

/**End Chapter Fifteen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	16. Chapter Sixteen

* * *

**/_And when we meet_**

**_Which I'm sure we will_**

**_All that was there will be there still_/**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

* * *

Hilde had me up at the crack of dawn the day she wanted to head into the city. I cursed whatever cab company she had called that agreed to show up in our driveway at six a.m. and tried to explain to her that **nothing** would be open this early. Unfortunately she didn't appear to be phased by this knowledge and was dragging me out the door almost before I'd managed to get a secure grip on Stick.

"Hilde, come on! Slow down!" I whined, digging my feet into the ground in an attempt to keep control of the situation. "He's not going anywhere until we get in the car, I promise."

She let out an exasperated sigh but fell back to my speed. "I just want to go."

"We haven't even had breakfast." I grumbled as we reached the cab.

"That's where we're going, dimwit." She teased, opening my door with a thick clunk. "I called in to see what time Thackers opened."

I grinned broadly. Hilde really never ceased to amaze me with her thoughtfulness. Thackers was one of my favorite restaurants. There were only a few of them anywhere on the globe, all privately run. It was a slightly shady steakhouse/bar combination, but they had the BEST waffles anywhere on Earth (at least in my own opinion). Sure, the crowd that seemed to always inhabit any Thackers was somewhat questionable, but they never caused trouble. The staff were friendly to a fault and always close by if you needed anything. It was looking like it would be a great day.

Breakfast was wonderful. Our waiter, Kip, was cheerful and polite. He offered to ask the chef to add extra strawberries after I expressed the worry that there would only be a few. He brought our food to us in a quick fashion and before he could leave Hilde had asked if he wouldn't mind sticking around to chat a bit.

"I'll check with my father." He replied. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Just a moment."

As soon as he was apparently out of hearing range Hilde shifted noisily forward in her seat and produced a high pitched noise I have only ever heard girls make. "I wish you could see him!!" She whispered, voice on the edge of squeaking. "He's so cute!"

I burst out laughing, quickly silencing myself before I leaned forward conspiratorially. "And asking him to sit and talk with us isn't completely obvious." I snickered.

She hit my arm. "Shut up." I listened to her lean back again.

It wasn't long before Kip came to sit with us. I heard him drag a chair across the floor and settle it at the end of our booth. "You're Duo, right?" He asked quietly.

Startled, I almost dropped my fork. "Wha- Yeah." I shook my head. Really I should have been expecting something like that. All of us gundam pilots had become well known over the course of the past three years, our faces flashed across vid-screens on Earth and in space alike almost daily.

"Are you Hilde, then?"

She chuckled, voice still slightly higher than it usually was. "Yeah, that's me! I guess we're a little high profile to just be wandering around, aren't we?"

"Not so much, you look a lot different on broadcasts, trust me. I'm impressed, really. You guys have done some amazing things for the world since you joined the fight."

"Unfortunately not everyone thinks so." I sighed, poking at my cooling waffle.

"Well anyone who doesn't can get stuffed." He snorted. "You guys will always be welcome here."

"That's good to know."

"If you don't mind me asking, but do you live around here?"

"Sort of. Outside of the city. We just settled, seeing as the war's supposed to be done now. Feels nice."

"So are you two dating then?"

"No!" Hilde and I said at the same time. "No," Hilde continued and I could hear her amusement. "Duo has other things to worry about and we're better as friends anyhow. I like to look around and all."

"Oh. Right then." There was a short silence before he tried again. "I don't know how far is too far but I've been wondering… How did you lose your sight?"

I swallowed hard, wondering whether or not I would have the strength of will to actually talk about it. Supposing that it couldn't really hurt and he did seem genuinely interested, I offered him a sad smile. "The last mission went pretty wrong very fast. There's been a lot of trouble since then, dealing with everyone."

"With the _people_?" He seemed very confused at that.

"My friend has been being really… frustrating lately."

"He's putting that nicely." Hilde interjected wryly. "He's been a real asshole."

"Really?" Kip asked. "What happened?"

"I'd really rather not talk about it."

"Well… I won't push it but if you ever want to talk, head over. Either one of you, you both seem like really great people. I should get back to work though, I can see my father in that mirror glaring at me already." He chuckled. "It was very nice meeting you two, I hope to see more of you."

It was almost ten by the time we left Thackers which meant there were plenty of stores open or opening. We ducked into a few stores and I played doll for Hilde. While I wasn't particularly wild about the idea of being dressed up in clothes I couldn't see, I don't suppose it mattered much. I told her very seriously that I preferred to dress in all black but I'm fairly certain I only got rolled eyes.

We were just heading into another clothing store when Hilde clutched my arm tightly enough to make me yelp. "What?"

"Oh, I just see someone I know! I'll be right back!" Without another word she dashed off, shoes flapping against the ground.

"I'll just… stand here, shall I?" I called irritably after her.

My attention span has never been very long. It can't have been more than a minute or two before I was completely bored with standing still and closed my eyes. It didn't make a difference in what I could see, but it felt like it helped me concentrate. After a moment I could just make out Hilde's voice, talking with what sounded like another girl. Moving carefully in that direction, I picked my way closer, making sure to count my steps as I went.

It wasn't until I was only a few feet away when I recognized the other voice. I froze, listening to Relena's quiet voice. It sounded like there was some sort of aisle or something separating us, muffling the sound a bit. I wasn't sure if I could be seen or not. I didn't move, hoping that I wouldn't have to get into a discussion with her right now. If she were here there was a good chance that Heero was here with her.

"So he slept with you for a couple nights?" Hilde hissed.

I forced myself to remain where I was. I already knew… There was nothing I could do about it at the moment and barging into the discussion would eliminate any chance I had at overhearing anything useful.

"Well, yeah. I'm not sure what to do, how far to push him."

Push him? Was she trying to work things out between herself and Heero? He hadn't even been there a few days!

"You can't let him ignore it. Cause he will. I mean, look at his past."

Hilde, shut up!

How could she encourage Relena to go for him like that?

"I know." Relena sighed and there was silence for a minute. "I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, Hilde. I really don't want to lose him. I'm afraid to push the issue too much. I don't want him to leave."

Push the issue! My mind shouted. Make him leave!

She was smarter than that, I knew. She rarely did something without thinking it through first. Whatever she had planned for Heero would probably work.

I had to get away.

I needed out.

I'd heard more than enough.

Shutting them out I stumbled back the way I had come, waving Stick almost haphazardly in front of me. Someone was closing in on me, their footsteps getting louder on the tiled floor. I really hoped that Hilde hadn't seen me and decided to give chase. I didn't want her to know I'd been listening.

I had to go.

I had to-

"Duo?"

My heart stopped. It felt as though the air had been sucked from my lungs and I wheeled around in slow motion. Stick's end dropped gently to the ground, my grip on the handle slack as I almost dropped it. I tried to gain control of my voice box.

Heero.

Not now, I can't do this right now.

I don't want to know how you and Relena ended up sleeping in her room.

I don't want to know if you're getting together.

I don't want to know you don't care about me…

No words escaped my lips, however.

"Duo?" He repeated softly, touching my arm.

I tore my arm away, recoiling as though I had been bitten. Reality was returning with a crash as I stumbled back a step. I couldn't handle this, not right now.

"I called you." His tone was pained, confused. "I need to talk to you, even if-"

I uttered a strangled noise. "You didn't!" I protested, finally catching up with the conversation, albeit a bit late.

"What?"

I couldn't seem to force what I wanted to shout at him past my lips.

I called you, Heero. I called you and you weren't there.

You were with her.

"Please just don't." I whispered, turned away from him.

"Don't call? Don't talk to you?" The hurt in his voice was enough to stop my breath. "I can't do that."

"I can't do _this_, Heero. I can't." My thoughts were clearing, now. I took a breath and continued without facing him. "Stay with Relena if that's what you want, but please stop coming back and forth if you're just going to walk away again. I just don't think I can handle it."

"Duo, that's not-"

"Duo!" Hilde called worriedly. She had obviously spotted us because she was walking over quickly. I ducked and began to run.

Desperately trying to recall the way I had come, I bolted for the door with Stick held trustingly before me. Only one pair of feet followed me and I prayed that they were Hilde's. I wanted to make a run for it, but I had no fucking clue where I was or how I would get home. If she followed me I might be able to convince her to get me a cab.

She caught up with me soon enough, grabbing onto my arm and spinning me around to face her with a frustrated cry. "Where are you **going**?"

"Out, away. Anywhere. I don't care."

"You can't just _leave_." She said patiently. "Please come back inside so we can grab our stuff and head home."

I didn't move to follow her, even when she tugged my sleeve. Heero's words were sinking in at last. It all began to make sense. The telemarketer… Hilde hiding something, being nervous… Quatre saying Heero thought I didn't want to talk to him.

"Hilde…" I ventured, barely above a whisper. "Did Heero call?"

Even through my jacket I could feel her tense, her fingers tighten. "What?"

I knew I was right.

"Did he call the house? Did you tell him I didn't want to talk to him?"

There was a long silence that only felt like it confirmed my belief. I pulled my sleeve from her grasp, feeling my chest tighten as I attempted to keep my emotions in check. I couldn't let this break me here. It would have to wait until I had found someplace safe.

Someplace alone.

"Duo, I thought it was the best thing to do at the time. You were still upset at him and you both needed to cool down before something serious happened. Something you couldn't fix later."

"Don't make my decisions for me!" I snapped angrily, though I felt more hurt than anything.

"It wasn't like that. I was just trying to help. I was trying to do with right thing."

My jaw clenched against saying anything right away. Of course she was trying to do the right thing. Everyone was trying to do the right thing. They were all friends but help was not what I needed right then.

"Everyone's 'help' is only fucking everything up more." I replied coldly.

I knew what I had to do.

My shoulders dropped in defeat as I sighed resignedly. I wasn't going anywhere until she let me. She needed to understand, but that was impossible._ I_ didn't even understand. I hoped a vague plea would be enough to allow me an escape, time to think.

"I remember when there were clear cut lines. Everything was black or white, wrong or right, y'know? Things changed. Someone erased the lines and it's all blurred into grey now… I don't know what to do anymore." I whispered. "I need some time to think, time away from everyone else where I can sort through everything. Please, at least give me that much. I promise I'll be back."

"Duo…" I could tell she was hurt but so was I.

"Please." I repeated.

She was silent for a long minute before she sighed. "I really am sorry, Duo. I was just doing what I thought would be best at the time."

There was another awkward silence. I didn't have anything to say to her and I'm sure she didn't know what to say to me to fix the situation. She had out-and-out lied to me and it was causing a major problem at the moment. There wasn't an easy fix. I needed to clear my head and find a solution before _everything_ came crashing down around us.

"At least… at least let me call a cab."

"Thank you. I just want to go home. Alone."

When the cab arrived, she gave him directions to my house. I sat silently in the backseat, ignoring her goodbye. This time I had every right to be angry with her. As soon as I felt the lurch of the cab pulling onto the street I leaned forward, groping for the knob that would allow me to open the window between the front and back seats.

"Excuse me?" I questioned politely when I had it opened.

"Yeah?"

Getting away meant going someplace where no one was going to discreetly watch me simply because I couldn't see them. Getting away meant hiding somewhere until I had it all in place. Getting away meant leaving until I knew how I was going to fix everything.

"Ignore those directions."

Getting away meant going to the city.

"Ignore them, sir?"

If only I had known then, what I know now… I would never have left.

"Yeah. I have a different destination in mind."

* * *

/**End Chapter Sixteen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	17. Chapter Seventeen

* * *

**/_Some things in this world_**

**_You just can't change_**

**_Some things you can't see_**

**_Until it gets too late_/**

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

* * *

He thought I would choose Relena over him.

He honestly thought that I loved her as much as or more than I loved him.

What the hell was he thinking?

He couldn't have heard that I stayed the night in Relena's room for _one_ night. Even if he had heard that, he had to have known that I wouldn't do anything. He should know I didn't do _anything_ but sleep. Didn't he understand that? Why didn't I tell him what was really going on?

What was wrong with _me_? I'd had my perfect opportunity to explain it all.

Yet I hadn't.

I'd let him walk away _again_ without even attempting to stop him.

Relena lay a gentle hand on my shoulder, interrupting my thoughts. "Heero?"

I didn't know what to do. I desperately wanted to detain him and force him to listen, to understand. I needed to fix it all. I'd messed up _majorly__._ I hadn't said a single thing I had wanted to say. The hundreds of conversations I had played and replayed in my head, trying to come up with a good solution, had all gone down the drain the second I saw him. My mind had become a blank void.

I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't think past the betrayed expression Duo had given me. I didn't think I could handle knowing that he gave me so little credit. After everything we had been through, everything that I had done recently to assure him that I wanted to stay with him and only him…

Forcing myself to take a breath, I concentrated.

I needed to calm down and take the situation rationally. There were small comforts. At least I knew he was okay. At least I knew he wasn't _angry_. This was just going to take some time. This was going to take more smoothing over and working through than I had originally anticipated. This was a mission I couldn't afford to fail.

I was going to need a better plan.

"We… should go." I choked, still immobilized. I couldn't seem to find the strength of will to actually leave yet.

"If that's what you want to do." She said sadly, tugging on my arm to try to goad me into motion. I finally started walking, numbly following her.

We reached the street in time to see Hilde getting into a brilliantly yellow cab. Relena was already on her cell phone, giving Pagan directions to the store we were standing in front of. I was surprised that it only took him a few minutes to appear, though I was grateful for the speed.

The car ride back to the manor was deathly silent. I am sure Relena didn't know what to say to me and I _really_ didn't feel like talking just yet. As curious and sympathetic as I am sure she was, she left it alone. That was probably the best choice she could have made. I didn't need her angry with me for snapping at her. I'd messed up enough already.

As soon as the car rolled to a stop outside the manor's front steps I was out of the car, heading for my room. I can't really be sure if I wanted Trowa to be there or not. Either way would have worked just as well as the other, so long as I was still able to make that better plan I'd decided I needed. Though help with that matter would always be undeniably useful.

"How was shopping?" Trowa inquired as soon as I entered my room. He was laying flat out on his back, lazily wrestling Loki with one hand. She was trying to chew his fingers, chasing them around in circles, her tail thumping on the mattress as it wagged happily.

I dropped wearily onto the foot of the bed and Loki immediately stopped, looking at me expectantly. "I saw Duo."

He adopted a concerned look and propped himself up on one elbow, free hand stilling. "Something happen?"

"He bolted." I shook my head in disbelief and disappointment. "He overheard Relena and Hilde talking about me and from what I gathered he's got it in his head that I'm leaving him for Relena."

Trowa gave me a slow, quiet once over before speaking. "Are you?"

"No!" I protested almost angrily, reaching down and dragging my duffle bag over to my feet. Roughly, I began digging through it, looking for clean bandages. Mine were feeling rather old and I needed a shower anyhow. "Does it seem that way?" I demanded at last, not quite harshly.

"I can see where he might get confused." Trowa said softly, finally paying attention to Loki again, slowly scratching her belly. "You're still here and so far as he knows you haven't called and spoken with him."

"Not for lack of trying." I pointed with frustration. "I've called him, many times. I told him I've called him. If he'd ever check his damn messages he'd know that I've called him. Nothing I've done has worked. I don't know what to do anymore."

"If you really want him you can't give up now." He cautioned quietly. "You two have been through so much already I'd hate to see it all end because of a simple misunderstanding."

I pulled off my shirt and sat with it in my lap, thinking. He was right that I couldn't let it end just because one of us didn't understand the other. Duo was too important to me to just let him walk away forever. Truth was that I didn't know what I should do to correct the situation. I'd never had to deal with any sort of real relationship until just recently. I wasn't even sure if we _counted_ as a relationship, as we couldn't seem to work anything out without bringing serious injury to one another.

We're just healthy like that.

Shaking my head again I began to gingerly un-wrap the bandages from around my shoulder. The gauze pads clung stickily to my raw skin, forcing me to peel them off individually. Thankfully it was already looking better. The edges of the wound were knitting together well and though I knew it would leave a scar the doctors seemed to have done a good enough job that it would be a clean white scar instead of a lumpy, protruding scar. I was pleased with my body's natural healing ability.

"Looking better." Trowa commented when I rose to go for the bathroom.

"A little." I admitted, dumping the used bandages in the garbage outside the bathroom door. "I'm going to shower and then I need your help."

I want to tell you that I went into the shower and thought meaningful things and figured out a plan of action that was perfect. I want to say that I spent the time plotting a way to get everything back into place and return Duo to me without a fight. Unfortunately the second the water hit I blanked out completely, surrendering to the warm, rhythmic beating of the water against my skin.

When I finally emerged Trowa was still laying on the bed, albeit on my side instead of his own. From what I could tell he was lightly dozing, waiting for me to return. I smiled, tucking the towel around my waist and walking over to my duffle bag. It was only as I knelt beside it that I realized I had worn my last clean shirt that morning. With a groan, I began rooting gently through the bag looking for something that was at least suitably clean enough to wear for the night. I was sure that if I left my clothes out the staff would have them cleaned by morning.

Trowa turned and peeked over the edge of the bed, watching me search. I finally found a pair of clean boxers and a shirt that would work for sleeping. He pulled his legs up as I stood, making room for me on the edge of the bed in front of him. I lay the clothes next to me as he reached for the roll of bandages and anti-bacterial cream. I had already dried my shoulder, so almost as soon as I was sitting he spread the salve over the healing area. I could feel the pressure and I knew that it was cold, but that was all.

"Did you think about what you're going to do about Quatre?" I wondered suddenly. I'd almost forgotten about our morning conversation and my promise to make him continue.

"Yeah." He whispered a moment later, albeit reluctantly. "I'm probably going to head back to the circus tomorrow."

"What, you can't!" I protested, pulling back and giving him a startled look. "On one breath you tell me not to give up if I really love someone and yet with the very next breath you're surrendering."

He wouldn't meet my eyes but I could see tears in his. Staring mutely at the edge of the bed, he toyed with the roll of bandages in his hand and shook his head. "I know, Heero. I know. I just… He should… It's not like…" He trailed off, lost for words.

Reaching forward I stilled his hands with my own and used one hand to lift his face and make him look at me. "You can't give up that easily." I insisted quietly. "You just _can't_ do that to him and you can't do it to yourself, either. He's worth fighting for, isn't he?"

"Yes." He agreed grudgingly.

"Okay then. Call him tomorrow and at least try to sort things out with him. I'd really hate to see the two of you lose what you have over something trivial."

"Fine." He dropped his gaze from mine once more. "Tomorrow. Good night."

He was obviously done talking. I let him silently re-bandage my shoulder, wincing only a little bit as he put pressure on the wounds. After he was done he rolled to the other side of the rather large bed and must have fallen asleep. I downed a dose of medication, making a face and seriously considering joining Duo on his opinion of pills. I lay down, closing my eyes and trying not to think about the next day. I still hadn't made a plan but with the way plans seemed to be working out later, maybe that was for the best. I must have dropped off soon after Trowa did, because I don't remember thinking much at all about anything.

For the life of me I could not figure out what was making such a racket when I woke the first time. I squinted my eyes against the sunlight streaming into them and tried to make sense of the world. There was something in the room and it was shouting and shouting at something else. Rolling onto my side I sat up and looked blearily around the room. I must have only been asleep for a few hours and the Zedal-codine was at the peak of its performance. My gaze settled upon the big black dog that was standing by the door… barking at it.

"Shut up, mutt." I groaned. What could it possibly want this early in the morning?

"Loki." Someone said from the other side of the bed. I turned just enough to catch a glimpse of Trowa, who was covering his eyes with one arm.

"What?"

"Loki, her name is Loki." He responded, rolling onto his stomach and burying his face in the pillow.

"I know." I said irritably as the dog continued to bark. "Why is she barking?"

"Maybe she has to go to the bathroom. Take her outside."

I blinked and looked back to the dog, which had stopped barking and was staring expectantly at me. For whatever reason I'm not sure it had completely occurred to me that I would be taking care of a dog for a while. Did I know how to take care of a dog? No. I mean I suppose I had assumed that they didn't use a bathroom like a human…

Rolling over, I couldn't help but hope that this was not a habit of dogs, the waking their people up at the ass-crack of dawn. After a moment I prodded Trowa with one finger. "Hey." I whispered tiredly.

"Whaaaat?" He groaned, opening one eye to look at me.

"Can't you take her? It's your day today."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." I picked up the loose pillow and hit him in the face with it, grinning stupidly, too tired to care what I looked like.. "Will you or are you going to make _me_ get up?"

"You're so abusive, you know?" He grumbled, though I knew enough to not take it seriously. He was always like that in the morning.

I don't know why I felt like laughing, but I ignored the impulse and shoved him lightly toward the edge of the bed. "Trowa! Yes or no?"

"Yes, I'll do it! Stop!"

"Good." I dodged the pillow aimed at my own head and buried myself in the warm covers. "You might want to get up." Loki scratched at the door, whining and giving small barks as if encouraging him to hurry along. I fell asleep almost as soon as he shut the door to the room, taking the noisy dog with him.

I must have only been asleep for a few hours before my dreams were rudely interrupted _again._

"Heero? Heero, please, come on, wake up. Get up!" I shrugged off Relena's hands as she tried to shake me awake.

"Get your ass out of bed, Yuy." Trowa growled from across the room.

I felt my brows crease in confusion as I turned halfway onto my back and looked blearily at them. Relena was standing nervously near the edge of the bed, checking her watch and looking between Trowa and I. Trowa was calmly getting dressed, pulling down a dark blue turtleneck. He glanced over to me as soon as he was able and the distress I saw in his eyes chilled me.

Something was wrong.

"What's going on?" I asked tiredly, rolling slowly out of the bed and placing my nice warm feet onto the freezing cold floor.

"Just get dressed, we're leaving." His words were clipped and the lack of real explanation worried me even more.

"Leaving? What happened?" I asked again, immediately starting to get dressed properly.

"I'll come get you in a few minutes. Hurry." Relena stated, heading for the door in an overly quick and worried manner.

I slipped shoes on and fixed Trowa with a hard glare. "Trowa, tell me what's going on, now."

With a sigh, he reached over to the dresser and picked up the remote control that lay there. He pointed it at the television, which I hadn't even noticed was on, and turned up the volume so I could clearly hear the news report that was broadcasting.

"Again," The young anchor stressed, "The Marauders are, at current, being held as a serious security threat. Please remain calm and within your homes until the danger has passed."

Trowa turned to me, talking over the hum of the screen. "They issued a statement, finally. It was audio only."

My stomach felt like lead and I felt like I already knew what he was going to say. "What did they say?"

"They want us dead."

"You and me?" I asked, hoping that he meant _only_ us, meaning everyone else was out of danger.

He nodded. "All of us. You, me, Relena, the others… They claimed to already have one of us and-"

We both shot looks toward the nightstand, where my phone sat on its charger, ringing merrily. I glanced at Trowa, who gave me a 'be careful' look and motioned for me to answer it. Reaching over, I plucked it from the base and flipped it open. Carefully, as though it would bite me, I pressed it to my ear.

"Hello…?"

"Heero? Oh thank god you're okay."

"Hilde?" I asked confusedly. This was shaping up to be a really strange day.

"Who else is with you?"

"Trowa and Relena are fine. What about you and Duo?" The past few days' animosity seemed to drop away in the flood of worry that coursed through me. It was like being in the war again where the only thing that mattered was keeping everyone you knew and cared for alive and well.

"I'm fine, but Duo…" He voice dropped to a choked whisper and I could tell that she was trying not to cry. "Heero, he didn't come back to his house last night."

Didn't come back?

The world dropped away around me and I felt my knees buckle. Luckily I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly into space. I couldn't breathe. Nothing was working, I couldn't…

Duo was gone?

He was gone and I hadn't spoken to him.

I hadn't apologized.

It was too late now.

He still thought…

Oh god, what had I done?

* * *

/**End Chapter Seventeen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	18. Chapter Eighteen

* * *

/**_When I think about my life_**

******_I wonder if I will survive_**

******_To live to see in 25 or will I just fall?_**

******_I call my friends, they just keep dying._**

******_People round me, always crying_**/

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

* * *

"Heero? Heero? Hey, pay attention!" Hilde commanded, snapping me back to reality. "I tried calling him but it never even rang. I rang Quatre's phone, but no one picked up. Has anyone called Wu Fei or Sally?"

"Not that I know of." I replied numbly.

I could feel the soldier in me taking over, setting aside emotion and laying everything out in a rational, step-by-step form. Check allies, assess damage, make a plan of action, and execute the mission successfully because failure in most cases meant death. I didn't want to do this again. I didn't want to have to fight anymore.

I didn't have a choice.

"Call them and get back to me. I'm going to call Lucy." She sighed and through the irritated front I could hear her worry.

"If he's alive, we'll find him." I stated simply, leaving no room for discussion. "Talk to you soon." I snapped the phone shut and tossed it to Trowa, who was already done dressing. "Call Wu Fei."

I listened to him dial as I grabbed Loki's leash and headed for the bathroom. She was laying quietly at the base of the sink, but she got to her feet and walked over when I tapped on the gate. Giving her a scratch behind the ear, I clipped the leash onto her collar and took down the barrier.

"Wu Fei? Shit. Call Heero's cell when you get this message." Trowa snapped quickly, though it was with the same even tone of voice I'd heard him use when he was trying not to panic.

I watched him as I headed for the door. "No answer?"

He gently lobbed the phone my way with a shake of his head. "At least it rang. When I tried Quatre's earlier the voice mail picked up instantly."

The door opened quickly and Relena popped her head in, checking to make sure both of us were getting ready. "We're going to drop by Duo's and get Hilde, okay?"

"She doesn't have a car?" I asked, dragging Loki away from the edge of the bed. Trowa held the door open for us.

"Yes, but it's going to be easier for us to head out her way, since that's where we're going anyhow. It wouldn't make sense to have to drive out here just so she can double back with us." Relena explained as we headed down the hallway.

"We're traveling in a group?" Trowa asked confusedly. "Doesn't that make us a bigger target?"

"United we stand, divided we fall. Wasn't that some country's motto once?" Relena insisted.

"America, but obviously it didn't work terribly well for them, since they're "some country" now." I pointed out, dropping quickly down the stairs. "I agree with Relena though. It'll be easier to split ourselves up once we are together than it would be to try and pull everyone to the same place if we're divided."

As he gave no response, I figured that the explanation was acceptable. I dropped my attention from them, merely following Relena's back as we swept through the hallways. Loki trotted easily by my side, unsettlingly silent as though she knew something was wrong. I let my mind fall to the problem at hand.

We had at least three unaccounted for pilots- Duo, Quatre, and Wu Fei. No one had reached Sally yet, and I didn't know if Hilde would be able to get hold of Noin or not. We would know when we got there or if she called back. I didn't think that Catherine would be a target, but I knew I should never assume anything when it came to a situation like this. Of the people I wanted safe that left six people in potential danger and we had no information.

"Where _are_ we going, 'Lena?" I wondered suddenly.

"I had Pagan make some calls as soon as I heard the news. We've got a safe-house about four hours west of Duo's. We should be able to get everyone there and make a plan before anyone figures out where we've gone, or that we've gone at all."

I'll admit. I've always been a little awed at Relena's ability to make a workable plan. She'd grown a lot since I first met her. Back then she had been a little naïve, calmly accepting situations as they came at her. When Romafeller maneuvered her into their plans she went along with them until she found a way out. Again, when her brother took up arms against Treize (and the rest of the world… but mostly Treize) she remained a prisoner to him simply because she didn't have a better plan. As time went on, she learned the difference between making the best actions for a situation and making the best situation for an action.

"What about the dignitaries coming today?" I asked, vaguely recalling that there were supposed to be people here this week. "They'll notice when you're not there, won't they?"

"Taken care of. I've asked Pagan to inform them I won't be able to meet with them until next week. He's on the phone offering to let them stay the week here if they're close enough to not want to turn back and wait."

"Has anyone called Catherine?"

"I tried to vid-screen but no one answered." Trowa replied, looking edgy enough to make me nervous. Someone _always_ answered vid-screen calls. Even if it was the middle of the night someone would be within range and awake.

"Are we going to get the gundams?" I asked. Their nervous energy was contagious. It was obvious that they had both already been awake for some time. It made me wonder how long they had let me sleep before deciding it was time to go.

"Later." He stated. "We shouldn't try to move them right now. We can look into it _when_ we get everyone together."

I clenched my jaw, swallowing hard. Trowa sounded so sure that all of us would be meeting again. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think that everything was going to be all right and that none of us would get hurt. However, the Marauders had said they already had one of us. They wouldn't make such a bold claim if they weren't sure they did have one or were going to have one of us by the time anyone questioned it.

We lapsed into silence as we reached outside, clopping down the front steps in a hurry. Loki didn't seem to appreciate the stairs, having a little bit of trouble making the short downward steps as quickly as we did. We waited patiently for Pagan to join us, fidgeting nervously. I felt exposed just standing by her car with nothing to do. I knew no one would be hunting us here, not yet, but it didn't make me feel any better.

When we finally arrived at Duo's house around noon, Hilde was already sitting on the front porch. She looked rather hassled, as though she hadn't gotten any sleep and had been rushing around all morning. I knew the feeling and when we met her halfway across the front yard she gave us all a weary smile.

"I got Noin on the phone a little while ago. She's fine. She said she was going to stay where she is. Home base, you know?" She looked to Trowa with concern. "She's keeping an eye on the gundams. They were checked this morning immediately following the announcement and there were no signs of tampering. You didn't get through to Wu Fei, did you?" Although she phrased it as a question it was more of a statement.

"No." Trowa responded quickly. "It rang but no one picked up."

"I didn't expect so. Apparently Sally called Lucy on Wu Fei's cell and they'd been on the phone all morning working plans. Fei's headed to the safe-house but Sally's going to join up with Lucy and help."

"Are you ready to go?" Relena asked a little impatiently. She made no attempt to hide the fact that she wanted to get moving as fast as possible.

"We can't just yet. I'm waiting for Lucy to call back and she wants us here. They're running a trace on Duo and Quatre's phone signals. No one's been able to reach either of them, which scares me." She shook her head with a mixed expression. "You guys know neither of them ever shut their phones off if they can help it."

"Duo's had his off for a day or two now." I remarked quietly, recalling my attempts to get him on the phone so I could apologize. Had he turned it off before I tried calling or because I'd been calling? The thought didn't make me feel any better.

Hilde raised one eyebrow but didn't comment as to how I knew about his phone. "I think we're all aware that Duo is not the best candidate to go wandering around on his own at a time like this."

"What if he's not on his own?" Trowa asked curiously, though he looked a little ill. "What if he went to Quatre's and they're someplace together. Quatre may have turned his phone off so no one would interrupt if Duo needed to talk. That would explain why we can't reach either of them, wouldn't it?" He sounded as though he were pleaded more than suggesting a solution.

Everyone stared silently at Trowa as though he had grown a second head. It was the most obvious of obvious explanations, the one that should very well have occurred to us first. I wanted to accept that easy of an explanation, but I just couldn't take it at face value. One of the first rules I had ever been taught when handling a situation was to expect the worst and hope for the best. This was certainly no exception.

"We can't assume they are safe." I countered, though in as neutral of a tone as I could so as to keep anyone from getting indignant before I had explained. "The Maruaders said that they already have one of us. You, me, Wu Fei, Relena, Hilde, Noin, and Sally have all been accounted for. As I don't think Cathy will be considered a target that basically leaves Quatre or Duo. Quatre is probably the most high-profile of any of us, but Duo would have been easy to pick up off the streets if he hasn't come back here." I stopped, letting that sink in for everyone.

"So we're just supposed to wait?" Relena asked incredulously.

"We should at least wait and see what Lucy has to say." Hilde pointed out diplomatically. "If they can get a trace on their phones' signals they'll be able to tell if the phones are together or not."

That seemed to settle the argument of what we were going to be doing. The group shuffled inside, tailed by Pagan who closed the door. He politely offered to make coffee, seeing as it was shaping up to be quite a long day indeed. Relena gave him a very grateful look and nodded her agreement to the offer of something warm to drink.

"Thank you, Pagan. We all appreciate your help."

"It brings me some measure of happiness to aide you. Children should not have to face this sort of situation on their own." He smiled when he saw the looks of protest on our faces. "Ah, you would tell me you are not children. What a shame if that is the truth." He slipped from the room, leaving us in stunned silence to glance between ourselves.

What Pagan had said back then hit so close to home that it scared me. Most of us hadn't had proper childhoods, having been brought up to fight a war we didn't start. We couldn't even legally drink yet but we'd been willing to sacrifice our lives for so many years that it was almost second nature. We'd been forced to act like adults for such a long time that I think we forgot that most of us were only eighteen. In the big picture we really were just children.

Why didn't it ever feel that way?

Hilde collapsed on the couch beside me, closing her eyes. "She should be calling back soon. I can't imagine it takes very long to run that trace."

"If they have Duo or Quatre they could have taken them anywhere on the globe as well as to space." I shook my head. "It could take hours if they've left Earth."

"You don't think they went to the colonies, do you?" Relena asked skeptically. "That's an awfully large gamble…"

"If they have the resources to find and capture Quatre or Duo before any of us were even aware they were planning on doing so getting a private shuttle and port would be small business." Trowa pointed out logically.

Hilde shook her head. "One of you should talk to Lucy when she calls. Maybe together you can come up with a proper idea of what is really going on and what we should all do."

Trowa nodded. "I will."

"What's really going on?" I asked sharply, looking at Hilde.

"Well it's just that… I mean…" She hedged around answering the question, looking skyward as though trying to come up with a suitable reply. "It doesn't really seem plausible that they actually have someone, you know?"

"No, I don't know." I replied stonily. "They wouldn't make such an easily disputable claim unless they were pretty sure."

"Well it certainly hasn't been so disputable, has it?!" She snapped testily. "We're still missing people and we haven't done anything to tell the general public otherwise. Now we're running to top it all off nicely. I can't imagine what people think."

Trowa gave her a confused look. "They couldn't have known that we wouldn't be able to confirm the locations of all the pilots. In fact, they would have to assume the opposite, that we would instantly be able to refute their claim."

"Not if they were watching us." I countered quietly. "If someone was keeping an eye on us it would be easy to tell that everyone was separating and losing contact. Last night would have been the golden opportunity to pick Duo up and take off, since none of us were with him."

"He's not incapable." Hilde said irritably. "You shouldn't treat him like he is."

"Stop." I closed my eyes and held up my hands in surrender. "I'm not walking down that path. I respect Duo's abilities but it is not unreasonable of me to think that perhaps being alone at a time like this, with a danger like that around, it might not be the best of situations for him. I am sure you can understand that I am worried for his safety."

There was really no turning that around on me. She settled back into the couch with a somewhat sulky look, but didn't reply. Pagan arrived with four mugs of coffee all of us were unnaturally happy to see. He stood quietly on the edge of the room, observing us from beneath those bushy eyebrows. I don't know how Relena could stand him hanging around all the time. Truthfully he was always a little intimidating, especially since he seemed to have some powerful connections without explanation.

Of course I scalded my tongue on the first sip of brew and made a complete fool of myself breathing quickly as I tried to cool it. That seemed to break some of the tension, seeing as Relena and Hilde began a low-key conversation about past mishaps. I ignored them, nursing my burnt tongue against my teeth and wishing I had been less distracted. Trowa only watched me as he blew softly across the top of the drink before testing it.

It was actually a lot longer than we expected before Noin called. Someone had clicked on the television set and the news was playing softly in the background. I got to hear the actual audio announcement the Marauders had made. The voice sounded very much like a young girl's, though if it was it had been a very mature, serious child. It was merely a forgotten background noise when the phone jangled on the base. Hilde reached over and picked it up, giving us all a worried look.

"Hello?" There was a long pause and I could hear the tinny sound of Noin on the other end. "I see. What do you suggest we do?" The silence was near crushing and Hilde's lack of facial expression was unnerving. "Okay. Trowa wants to talk to you, Lucy. Yes. Talk to you later."

She passed the phone to Trowa and he glanced to me as he accepted it. I don't know what he expected to see, but I suppose he saw it when he smiled. Pressing the phone to his ear, he exited the room to allow us to talk.

"So?" Relena asked impatiently, though I could tell she was just as anxious as I was.

Hilde shook her head. "She says they aren't together, so there goes that idea. The signals were in different parts of the country."

"Does she know where?"

"Well, yeah, but that's the weird part. She said that Duo's phone is just outside of the city. Quatre's isn't near civilization at all." She lowered her voice and leaned toward us. "Apparently they are checking to see what is in that area but Lucy thinks Quatre either took cover or he's the one they have."

My eyes flickered to where Trowa had just disappeared. It was a good move on Hilde's part to get him out of the room before she told us that. I shook my head though, not taking anything for granted. "We can't assume anything. It could be either of them still."

"But if Duo stayed in the city…" Relena protested quietly.

"Keep in mind that we don't know where THEY are, just their phones. Duo's could have been dropped at the edge of town. There are too many unanswered questions right now."

We lapsed into silence and the girls shared worried looks until Trowa returned. He looked quite ill now and I correctly guessed that Noin had told him the entire story. She knew better than to leave out valuable information. Neglecting to tell us something could easily lead to our deaths.

"Well?" I asked at last, startling everyone.

"She uh… We should probably get to the safe-house soon but Wu Fei's on his way here now. I don't know what good he expects that to be." Trowa muttered, clutching the phone tightly as he moved to replace it in its cradle.

The odd thing was that it rang before he could do so.

He almost dropped the phone, taking a step backwards and holding it in front of him, giving it a wide-eyed stare. We glanced between ourselves as it rang again, almost more insistently. No one moved, all of us staring mutely at the device.

"Oh for god sake pick it up already!" Relena cried after the third ring.

Startled at her outburst, Trowa clicked the talk button and brought the phone to his ear. "Yes?" There was the briefest of pauses before he made a small noise in the back of his throat. "Oh light, Quatre! You're alive!"

Hilde gave a rather unexpected whoop and Relena cheered excitedly. I smiled, even though I felt sick to my stomach. Four pilots found and accounted for, one left missing. As happy as I was that Quatre was safe, my distress only worsened at the news. If Quatre were alive and well that meant that Duo was the only one the Marauders could have.

"Yes, we're at Duo's. Relena's arranged a safe house already, how soon can you get here?" He listened to Quatre speak for almost a full minute before nodding "Okay. Okay, see you soon." He clicked the phone off and took a seat on the floor. Maybe not so much sat as dropped, though.

"Well?" Relena prompted when it didn't seem that Trowa was going to volunteer information.

"Quatre and Abdul left for a safe-house of their own as soon as they heard the announcement. He says that the phone must have gotten turned off in the packing or something, because he found it open in his bag. They're on their way over, should be here in about an hour."

"So we're stuck here waiting till Wu Fei, Quatre, and Abdul show?" Relena asked incredulously. "Meanwhile we're still pretty much sitting ducks for someone who has been watching us."

The television drew our attention before anyone else could respond. I glanced over, recognizing the screams of fear and panic I had heard so many times in my life. The show had changed from an in studio broadcast to a live feed of an attack that was being made. The filming was shoddy and the reporter could barely be heard above the din of mobile suits fighting and people shouting.

Trowa made a strangle noise in the back of his throat. "That's our circus!!" He cried, leaning forward.

I did a double take, eyes widening. Sure enough, those were the same tents Trowa's circus used and one of the large wagons was just visible to the right side of the screen, displaying the name of the circus.

"They're hunting us." I stated dully. "You were supposed to be there, weren't you?"

Trowa nodded numbly. "Catherine's still there." He whispered.

I winced, but continued. "It seems like they're taking the easiest to get to first. Duo was wandering the streets. You were supposed to be in a fairly unprotected circus. Who would be next? We can warn the area."

"Wu Fei, probably. He's been traveling by himself or with Sally for a while now." Relena offered helpfully. "Then I'd probably say you, Heero, because you were in Peacecraft territory and there aren't weapons."

"Where was Wu Fei supposed to be?"

"Preventers work. They're still assembling the organization." Relena replied.

I tossed her my phone. "Get them on the line and tell them to move it to someplace else for a day. I don't want to risk them getting attacked next." I pointed to Trowa. "Get Noin on the line and tell her we want it broadcast that the gundam pilots have disappeared of their own accord and intend to cease the conflict by physical force if necessary." Trowa nodded, already dialing.

I looked to Hilde, who was sitting quietly and watching me take charge of the situation. It's actually highly ironic that I was the one who got elected as a leader for anything. Our group had somehow adopted the idea a long time ago and it seemed to stick. I haven't the faintest clue why. I was always the hardest to get into contact with and in the beginning I had a very hard time keeping everything together for myself, much less anyone else. It had to have been Duo's influence.

"Hilde…" I started, trying to think of something for her to do. "See if you can get Duo on the phone. I know it's pretty hopeless right now, but we have to keep trying."

"Sir?" Pagan interrupted just as Loki began barking wildly from the kitchen, where she was currently penned.

"Yes?" I called over her, glaring at the mutt. She was giving deep, throaty barks like she was going to attack something. There was nothing to attack, though.

"It would appear you have a visitor." He stated calmly, gesturing toward the front window.

An uneasy sense of dread gripped my heart as I whipped around to look. Wu Fei nor Quatre could have gotten here so quickly. Sure enough, though, pulling slowly into the driveway was a jet black sports car of some sort, looking just recently polished. No one I knew drove a car like that… Unfortunately the driver was as unfamiliar as the car.

I motioned to Trowa and Relena as I drew my gun. "Stay here and stay on the lines." I ordered quietly. Loki continued her harsh barking in the background. She would make a good guard dog, I decided.

"Be careful." Relena cautioned worriedly.

I didn't bother to respond. This didn't look good at all.

* * *

/**End Chapter Eighteen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	19. Chapter Nineteen

* * *

/**_I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind  
I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time  
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon  
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah_**/

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

* * *

Alone.

_Again_.

This was really becoming a bad habit for me.

Somehow I had managed to communicate to the cabbie that I wanted to go to _Thackers_ and not to my house. I really needed someone who could give a completely outside opinion on my entire situation and the only person I even semi knew that fit that description was the kid we had met that morning at the restaurant. Kip. Unfortunately he was on his way out when I got there. He was very happy to see me back already and rattled off something about some other friends of mine coming in earlier for brunch.

It had to have been Heero and Relena.

Pushing some potatoes around my plate, I tried once again to figure out what I was going to do for the night. I desperately did not want to go back to my house. Everyone would be able to find me there and I didn't want to talk to any of them. I felt like they were just too close to the situation to be able to help. I had returned to Thackers because I had been hoping to talk to Kip, but a prior engagement for the evening shot that plan down almost immediately. So now I was here alone with no one to talk to and no idea what I was going to do.

"Is anyone sitting here?" Asked a smooth, decidedly male voice from across the table. I nearly jumped out of my skin, though I didn't show it.

"I don't think so." I mumbled, resting my jaw in my palm and my elbow on the table. "But I wouldn't really know."

"May I?" He asked politely. Something in his voice made me feel kind of bad to think about being completely nasty to him in response. After all, it wasn't his fault I was having a bad day. There was absolutely no need for me to be rude to a complete stranger.

I shrugged half-heartedly. "If you want." It really wouldn't hurt to have some company, either, even if I had no idea who this person was.

"Thank you." I heard the cushions breathe protest as he sat. "My name's Rick."

"I'm Duo." It was out of my mouth before I even registered that I was speaking. I clamped my jaw shut so tightly my teeth began to throb. I forced myself to relax a split second later, confused at my own reactions.

"I know." He chuckled lightly and I found myself smiling in return. It was a very friendly sort of sound that I instantly thought I could come to like.

"Do you?" Somehow I wasn't surprised. I knew that by now I really should be used to people recognizing me. Somehow I don't think it would ever sink in that I had an odd sort of unwanted fame.

"I'm a Friend of Kip's." The way he said "friend" was all too familiar to me because I had used it countless times to refer to Heero. I controlled my smile. "He rang me to ask if I'd come down and keep you company for a bit. He does love to help. If you don't want me to stay, that's okay, but I thought I would at least stop by and say hello."

"It's fine." I pushed some food around my plate with the back of my fork. "I don't mind."

He very wisely let the subject drop and silence fell between us. I didn't really know what to say so I kept my mouth shut. Since he was the one who initiated contact I might as well let him be the one to have to figure out what to talk about now. I didn't really care. Finally he seemed to make up his mind and cleared his throat, speaking in a soft, inoffensive tone.

"He said he thought something happened with you and your friends?" He inquired gently, leaving me plenty of room to deny him an answer.

"Yes." Again I spoke before I could stop myself. "They were being real jerks so I left."

"All of them?" He asked dubiously after a moment's pause.

"All of them." I affirmed sulkily. "I just needed some time away from them, clear my head. I'm sure it'll be fine. We've been through worse."

"Oh." He trailed off as though he were unsure about what to say to that. If our positions had been reversed I know I wouldn't have had a response, either. I could feel myself relaxing now, getting accustomed to this person. He seemed nice enough to at least talk to for a little. "Do you need a ride home?" He offered politely at last.

"No thanks. I don't know if I'll be going home tonight. I'm sure that will be the first place they look and I really just don't have the energy for it tonight. I think I'll try to find a hotel somewhere and just keep my distance."

I don't know why I was telling him so much. It wasn't like a simple "no thank you" wouldn't have sufficed. I guess I just didn't see the harm in talking to him. Despite the fact that many people knew my face only a handful of people knew _me_. This guy was no exception to the rule but I certainly felt more confident revealing parts of my situation to him than I usually did with strange people.

This whole blindness thing was really getting to my head…

He chuckled softly. "You're welcome to stay at my place if you need somewhere to go. I've got a spare room you can have for the night and it's certainly cheaper than any hotel you'd try to book tonight. It would be the least I could do to thank you for ending the war."

"I don't know…" I hedged, looking up out of habit even though I knew I wouldn't be able to see him. "I was just going to… I mean it'd probably be easier if I got a hotel, I wouldn't want to intrude…"

It's not like I had a problem staying with strangers. Light knows I had done it often enough as a child and even while I had been fighting. If there was someplace to stay and it was safe and private it was as good as the next. I was being offered a free, warm, possibly even mostly safe place to spend the night. Did I even stand a chance at refusing?

"It's no trouble, honestly. The place is clean and not too far from here. I can take you home tomorrow morning if you'd like. Or when-ever you want to return. It's fine with me." He chuckled lightly. "I can even make breakfast."

My vagabond nature was telling me to go for it. This was probably the best deal I was going to get on my own. I didn't have anything with me which meant no ID, no money, no nothing. That pretty much fucked the idea of getting a hotel or food or anything else for that matter. I could get a cab home because I could pay the driver once we arrived. Almost everything else was out of the question, though.

Still, the war-weary part of me said that I shouldn't be so trusting of a complete stranger. However, I knew that getting a safe-house with a contact somewhere was taking just as much of a chance as I would be taking on this gamble. Somehow it just seemed like I was going to have to take another leap of faith and hope that things turned out all right. Hell, I'd been doing it all my life what was once more?

"That… would be nice." I conceded, dipping my head in thanks. "I would appreciate that. I can pay you, if you'd like?"

"Oh, nono, it's fine!" He said quickly, as if I'd said something much more rash than offering payment for lodging. "It'll be a thank you." His voice dropped, thickening with sadness. "For two years I had a brother out there fighting. He came home last week for the first time in over a year because you guys ended it. I am so grateful and any way I can repay that is well worth it."

That made a lot more sense. A lot of times random civilians would take one of us gundam pilots in for a short while in thanks for fighting for them. A lot of people had loved ones out there battling side by side with us. Every day we fought brought us closer to the end of the war and people looked forward to it. They spent years and years and years looking forward to the end of the war. That made me feel a lot better about going home with him.

So that was how it went.

I picked at my food for a few minutes and Rick ordered a small sounding salad or something. We ate slowly and he did most of the talking, which honestly helped to put me at ease. I was always happier when I didn't have to fill the silence by myself. He told me a bit more about his brother, where he had been stationed at and what he was doing. How he had gotten involved in the war and how he was only seventeen.

_Only_ seventeen.

I'd been just over fifteen when I stole Deathscythe and got myself into the bloody war for real.

Seventeen felt older than old.

At eighteen I felt ancient.

Not too long after the conversation ended, he agreed to retire to his home for the rest of the evening. It turns out that his house was not that far outside of the city, though with all the people who were leaving work and going to dinner it took a good hour to get across town. I was just happy I didn't have to drive in the traffic. Rick kept a highly amusing running commentary on everything that was going on around us, describing the scenery, the state of traffic, the weather- everything. It was wonderful and before I knew it we were stopping.

Aside from the massive traffic clogging, we reached his apartment structure without real mishap. He turned out to be very good at guiding people and the fact that I had Stick with me helped me navigate quite a bit better. We were able to very easily navigate to the inside of the building and all the way up the stairs. I was impressed when he told me that he had some experience working with blind people. Apparently there had been an accident that left a friend of his temporarily without sight. She had, fortunately for her, regained sight eventually. Maybe her good luck would rub off on me even though I knew it was impossible.

"Well this is it- home sweet home." He announced when we had entered.

I smiled. "It smells nice." I responded almost immediately.

For it did.

The entire place smelled like vanilla and lavender, two smells I simply loved. I wondered what he was doing that could make the entire flat smell like that but whatever it was I found myself willing to try it. What a wonderful thing it would be to come home to that smell every day. I don't suppose that living in it would keep it novel for very long, but I still wanted to give it a try.

"Really? I don't even notice it any more." He said offhandedly, taking my jacket from me. "You want the tour?" He asked jokingly.

"Sure!" I grinned. "Tour away."

He pulled me gently around the flat, describing everything in as much detail as he could and at times being purposely facetious about overly describing every little aspect of every object. I actually found myself enjoy his antics, as I think I was meant to do. He sounded happier when I finally decided to loosen up and go along with the situation easily.

We ended up in the main room at the end and he sat me down on the couch and offered me a drink. I politely asked for a glass of water, which he promptly brought out to me. I smiled, thanking him and waiting to find out what he was going to do next. I was really at a loss for what I should be doing. I still felt like I was intruding.

"So tell me about yourself, Duo." He said at last, settling somewhere in front of me, probably in the chair he had mentioned during my mini tour.

"What do you want to know?" I asked quietly.

"Anything you want to tell me." He replied earnestly, shifting a little noisily in his seat. "You seemed like you needed someone to talk to and I'm good at listening. I can't claim I'll know what the hell you're talking about but sometimes that doesn't matter."

I chuckled with him when he said that and sank back into the couch. It was a lovely feeling couch with thick, soft cushions that threatened to just swallow me. They were really the last kind of cushion any trained fighter wanted because it was so damn hard to get out of them in a pinch if something went wrong. Fortunately I didn't think anything was going to go horribly wrong for the night so allowing myself to enjoy the couch was all that more satisfactory.

"Anything?" I queried. "Are you sure you want to sit through that?" I joked, grinning again. "That could take all night."

"Well, I haven't got anything better to do tonight anyhow. Tell me what happened. Maybe an outside perspective will help, yes?"

I nodded once and thought carefully about what I was going to say to him. Eventually I started talking and it was like once I started, I couldn't stop. The words just kept coming out of my mouth, unbidden. I told him about the cliff and the doctors, the house and the friends, the hospital, the gunshot, and most importantly I told him about Heero.

I told him about how we had met, how I had pretty much fallen into total lust with him as soon as I saw him. How I had shamelessly chased him, patiently teaching him about everything that could be between us. I shared stories about how I had protected myself through careful word games, trying to make sure I could easily cut myself free from him at any point. I laughed when I told him how miserably I had failed and how I had fallen for Heero while I wasn't paying attention.

I told him about how lost I felt just thinking about losing him forever.

I told him everything.

I fucking told him everything about everyone.

But he was right.

Talking about it made it seem clearer, easier to handle.

By the time I had finished talking it was well into the morning hours. Rick assured me that it was fine and that he was glad I had spoken for so long. "You needed to talk." He told me quietly, then yawning. "Get some sleep."

Rick had guided me into his spare bedroom earlier in our conversation. I had laughed when I found out that he had set it up for Kip to spend the night there. Somehow I doubted that the room ever really got used and was perhaps more for show with Kip's father than anything else. I didn't get the feeling that Rick thought Kip's father would have approved terribly much of a relationship between the two.

I lay back, staring upwards into the pitch blackness. Being alone with nothing to do was bad before I had lost my vision but it was a thousand times worse when I didn't even have anything to look at, to distract me. I really had no choice but to think. Of course there was only one place my thoughts seem inclined to drift- straight back to Heero.

Gods. What was I going to do?

While talking to Rick I had also worked out quite a bit. Not as much as I needed, but far more than I had been left with to start. Thinking back on my encounter with him earlier today, I knew that it was probably ridiculous to think that he was getting it on with Relena right now. I mean he had just gotten off major surgery less than a few days prior. Heero was good at bouncing back from injuries but he was definately not that good.

So if I didn't think he was sleeping with Relena, why was I upset?

Why?

I was upset because I loved him.

Plain and simple- I fucking loved him.

Groaning, I turned onto my stomach and buried my face in my folded arms.

Rational, Duo. Real rational. I took a deep breath and stilled my thoughts, trying to find a new way to consider the situation. One that did not scare the living daylights out of me.

What was I really upset about? I wanted him to return my sentiments but I didn't know. I wanted him to actually care about me instead of always thinking of everything so calculating and coldly. I didn't want to be some obligation to him. I didn't want to be something he _had_ to deal with- I wanted to be someone whom he _wanted_ to deal with. Maybe the distinction wasn't all that important to him but it sure as hell was to me.

I guess the biggest thing that got me upset really had nothing to do with Heero at all. I was peeved that there was so little I could do. Everything I had done only seemed to push him farther away from me. Everything I said was coming out wrong and I didn't know how to make it stop. I felt like it was my fault that I had gotten so detached from him. My biggest problem was that I _was_ my biggest problem and I didn't see a way to correct that dilemma.

Taking a few calming, deep breaths I tried to rationalize again. Tomorrow morning I would have to call Heero and apologize for acting like a child. I was being rather petulant over this whole mess. I would easily be able to tell him that I can forgive him and ask if he can forgive me. Sure, it sucked to be giving in first but you know what? I was past the point of caring. If someone had to give it was better me than losing him.

Of course I would have to make him sit down with me and have a proper discussion about what was going on between us. Hell, I wasn't even sure so far as that went! Things were very messed up while we were fighting and now that the war was really in the process of ending… I mean, I didn't know what to do with myself, let alone anyone else! I had a feeling that if we could just talk about it we might actually get somewhere, once apologies were taken care of.

I rolled gently onto my side, opening my eyes to stare into nothingness, contemplating. This could work. I felt like I could actually make it work. All I would have to do would be to turn on the Maxwell charm and corner Heero into talking to me and I was sure I could work it out right. If I had to I would talk to Relena and flat out tell her to at least give me and Heero a chance. God we deserved at least a chance, if nothing else. A week alone, without any hindering helpfulness from all of our well-meaning friends might actually do us some beautiful amounts of good.

For the first time in a while I smiled for real. Yeah, that was the plan. I could talk my way out of anything.

Now I just had to separate Heero from Relena and boot Hilde out until I was done maneuvering. That couldn't possibly be hard to do. Girls were generally easily distracted anyhow. I knew I could do this. I just had to… be very careful who I played and how.

I _was_ going to solve this and get on with it.

I had to.

I fell asleep with a jackal's grin on my lips, knowing that Heero was not going to escape me for much longer.

When I woke again I was utterly lost. It took me several minutes to even remember that I was not at my own house anymore. I tried desperately to remember where everything in this new environment was but it was shockingly alien to me. I forced air in and out of my lungs, each breath a trial as I kept myself from panicking. I could do this. I had to do this. Getting around unfamiliar territory was going to have to become second nature to me or I was never going to be able to do anything I wanted.

When I stopped shaking, I clambered out of the bed and carefully felt my way around the room, just like I had done with my own room back home. There were some things in my way (most notably a nightstand and a dresser) but other than that I managed to get away without too many bruises. I found Stick while I was walking, which made it infinitely easier and more comfortable to feel where I was going without stubbing fingers or toes in the process.

It wasn't until I had reached the doorway a second time in preparation to make it to the rest of the flat that I realized I am highly deficient in the morning. I could have called for help at any time. I am sure Rick would have come and at least pointed out where things were before I crashed into them.

"Rick?" I called tentatively, not sure of the time. It could have been very early or it could have been past noon. I was used to living on a very small amount of sleep and after a while two hours could feel like eight. I really hoped I wouldn't wake him if he were sleeping. "Rick?" I tried again. Still no answer.

Where had his room been? Right across the hall, I thought. I traversed the pathway and carefully felt out a doorknob. It wasn't locked so I assumed he wouldn't care if I entered. I called again but got no response. I was beginning to get worried. He had said he would be here so he could drive me home, right?

So where was he?

I had to get home.

There was so much I had to work out still that I had to get home _soon_!

Yet after several minutes of searching the area around my room and shouting toward the kitchen (or at least where I figured the kitchen was) I concluded that… I was alone. I had been left and probably locked in this apartment.

Panic began to set in, making me feel ill.

I didn't know where I was. I hadn't exactly seen the road signs. That was supposing I could even make it out of the apartment, much less the actual building. I had no idea how I had gotten to this room in the first place.

Great.

I was lost and alone in unfamiliar territory.

Next time I want to trust my gut instinct, shoot me.

I forced myself to relax. The entire apartment was only so big. All I had to do was walk around the perimeter and try the doors until one lead to the hallway. Then I could follow that until I reached a door that lead to the outside. Maybe I would even run into someone that could guide me.

Taking another breath, I stretched out my hand and found the wall. I counted my steps to keep myself from losing control again, and tried to concentrate on sensing what was around me before I toppled into it. The method was working fairly well until a strange noise caught my ear and thus my attention.

What the hell?

The phone was ringing.

I paused in my desperate search for the door and listened until it jangled again, taking a few steps toward the noise. It had rung several times already and I wondered why the answering machine had not picked it up yet. Maybe he didn't have one. Maybe he had turned it off. Maybe it was him calling! It took me several annoying minutes of searching by sound to find the phone and a few more to find the button that would answer it. Who puts it at the bottom of the phone?!

"Lamont residence." I stated simply and politely, hoping whoever was on the line would help me to escape.

"Duo? Did I wake you? I wasn't sure what time you normally get up so I let you sleep." It was Rick. Oh thank god.

I raised one eyebrow. "Where ARE you?"

"I'm so sorry, I had to run into work for a couple hours. I completely forgot I was in today. I left some breakfast on the kitchen counter. Hopefully it wasn't too hard to find the phone. I left it in the room in case you were still asleep when I rang."

"No, I found it." I yawned suddenly, feeling slightly better about being abandoned like that. "Where is the kitchen from here?"

"Once you get to the door turn left until you hit the couch. You can follow that around to either side, watch the low tables, and follow the wall right into the kitchen. If you can wait about a half an hour I should be back and I can take you to a real breakfast. My treat!"

"What time IS it, anyhow?" I asked, finding a seat on the edge of the bed as I tried to force myself to relax. People weren't out to kill me anymore. I had to keep that in mind.

"About ten. Is everything okay?" He sounded concerned suddenly. "You seem a little worried."

"Yeah, I was just in the other room when the phone rang so I had to look for it which isn't the easiest thing to do without vision…" I joked. None of my friends would have fallen for the front but Rick didn't know me like they did.

"I'm sorry. I tried to put it somewhere that would be easy to find." He apologized, sounding so very guilty. "Are you going to be all right alone there till I get back? I know it's unfamiliar territory but it's fairly clean. You can turn on the television or radio if you'd like. They're both in the next room over, just follow the wall."

"It's all right." I stopped him from rambling. "A half an hour isn't too long to sit and do nothing. I should probably check my phone anyhow. I think it's been off for a while now, I've probably got a message or two." Or at least I hoped I did, I added silently.

"Okay. Just hit redial on the phone if you need to call me. I dialed my cell before I left so you could do that as long as you don't make other calls from it."

"Oh, that's a good idea." I said, surprised. I wouldn't have thought to do that at all but it certainly made things easier. "See you in a while?"

"Yep! See you then!" He hung up and I carefully set the phone down where I could remember and find it again.

I searched the nightstand where I had put my phone last night. It wasn't like I wouldn't have time to check my messages and maybe even make a few calls. I was sure people were worried since I didn't come home. Hilde had a bad habit of bringing out the worrying side of everyone around her. No doubt that if she had told anyone that I hadn't returned they probably thought it was much worse than it was.

Clicking open the phone I pressed the power button and it chimed to life and immediately started beeping to signal I had a voice message. I searched out the pound button and pressed it.

"You have twenty-six missed calls." Twenty six? What the fuck were people doing? "To list the numbers, press one. To-" I cut the voice off by pressing one. It rattled off a list of numbers that sounded like they matched everyone I knew. People must really have been looking for me.

When it finally stopped listing number I cleared the missed call list. It immediately started talking again. "You have fifteen voice messages. To call your mailbox, dial 86."

Sighing and not completely looking forward to fifteen messages, I dialed my voicemail. Pressing the pound key to pass by my own cheerful message, I waited for it to launch into its recordings.

"First message:" It switched to Heero's voice. "Duo, it's Heero. We need to talk, please give me a call when you get this message. I'll try back later."

Well at least I knew he wasn't lying when he said he called. I deleted that and moved to the next one. "Next message:" it was Heero again. "Duo, come on. Please answer your phone. We really need to talk. I- please just give me a call when you get this."

That was odd, I thought to myself, brow scrunching. Heero never got flustered like that. It almost felt like he had called without a plan, without even thinking about what he was going to say if he couldn't get me on the phone. Concluding that it was very strange, I deleted the mail.

"Next message:" intoned the voice before it switched to Heero once more. "Duo, it's me. I'm getting ready to head out for the day and I was hoping you had turned on your phone. I guess not. Well, I'll take my cell phone with me so- hold on, there's another call. I hope it's you…"

I really hoped the rest of the messages were not Heero, repeating the same thing over and over again. I was afraid I'd have to really kill him when I spoke with him next if that were the case. Thankfully it wasn't.

"Duo, this is Trowa. Heero's in the shower right now. He just got back from shopping." He sounded like he was speaking so casually. "Apparently the two of you ran into each other and had another argument. It's getting really old, you know. It's probably not my place to meddle in either of your affairs but somehow I think I'm going to be the only one who will. I know you like Heero, you've told me before. I know he likes you because he's told me, too. Not even five minutes ago, in fact. You need to pull it together or it's going to fall apart."

He hung up without so much as a goodbye. It didn't surprise me because Trowa had always been like that- very to the point and rather blunt. I was not particularly surprised to hear what he was telling me. I already knew I liked Heero. I had a pretty good idea that he liked me, as well. It was just talking to him about it that was causing such a problem.

The next message turned out to be Relena, of all people. "Duo, it's Relena. Normally I wouldn't call but I felt that… well, these were special circumstances. Whatever happened between you and Heero today really upset him and I just… What I mean is… Okay, look. As his friend and as someone who cares a damn lot about him I just want to let you know that you had better make a decision about all of this right quick. Leaving it all in limbo like this is only hurting him and if you don't do something I fucking will." She huffed irritably and there was a moment of silence. "And turn on your phone so people can get hold of you."

I blinked, holding the phone away from me as though it would bite. What was that all about? I had seen Relena get snappy with people before but she rarely went off on any of us. Well, anymore that is. She used to tell me off twice a day any time I was around her. I'm glad she broke that habit. I really wished people would calm down about the current situation, though. Granted they didn't know I'd already made up my mind, but still. I didn't see how it was anyone's business but mine and Heero's.

Unfortunately no one else saw it that way.

Quatre's voice started up next. "Hi, it's me. Trowa just called me. He said something happened today between you and Heero. Is everything all right? Give me a call when you get this message!"

Thankfully Quatre still seemed unbiased.

There were three messages from Hilde that all amounted to the conclusion that I had not made it home last night. A second message from Quatre confirmed that she had called him in her search for me, but not anyone else. I was mildly surprised that she had not called Relena, but I suppose that would have meant taking the chance that she would have to speak to Heero.

Then the strangest thing happened. I got a message from Noin. She rarely ever calls us (I mean we call her often enough that she doesn't have to) and when she does she doesn't leave a message. The phones recorded the incoming phone numbers so it wasn't like we wouldn't know she called. Perplexed, I held the phone closer to my ear, as she was rather quiet.

"I'm calling about the broadcast that was made a short while ago. Are you all right? Please return this call as soon as possible."

Broadcast? What the hell? I swear, everyone was taking something and no one thought to give me any. I hoped that the next messages would at least explain a little bit more about what was going on with the "broadcast" Noin had mentioned.

But there wasn't.

There were two more panicked messages from Hilde, begging me to come home or at least pick up my phone and call. Relena called again and she sounded much less angry with me, thankfully. In fact she said that she was coming over to my house, a suggestion that almost made me want to stay where I was. I had no desire to face her in person and get chewed out about everything by both girls.

What really scared me were the last two messages I received. Wu Fei, who never calls any of us for any reason, had left a message concerning Noin's message. "Miss Noin said you were not answering your phone but I felt compelled to make sure for myself. After this morning I hope that you are someplace safe enough to reach us. Please… return my call."

I suddenly had a very bad feeling about all of this. Wu Fei hardly ever even spoke to me. Sure, he had his moments but I wasn't exactly his favorite person. Our morals were so wildly different that while we got along we didn't have the same sort of solid friendship that I had with the others. That he sounded worried for my welfare was something rather troubling.

It wasn't half as disconcerting as Hilde's last message.

"I wish you would pick up your phone, Duo. I wish I knew if you were okay… They're coming here, they're on their way." There was a brief, stressed pause during which I thought I heard her draw a shaking breath. "God, I hope you're all right…"

What was going on…?

* * *

/**End Chapter Nineteen, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	20. Chapter Twenty

* * *

/**_Sometimes I forgive_**

**_And this time I'll let live_**

**_Cause_****_ I miss you…_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

* * *

There was something going on, something big enough to involve everyone from Hilde and Quatre to Noin and Wufei. I wouldn't have worried so much if it has just been Hilde, Heero, and Relena. I could even understand them contacting Quatre and Trowa over my disappearance overnight. But involving Noin and Wu Fei? That was going beyond legitimate worry. There had to be something else.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, phone resting loosely in my palm. Something told me that I should call everyone back and let them know I was all right. However, the part of me that had kept me alive for the past few years reasoned that if it was something other than just me being lost like they thought I was that I couldn't risk exposing any of the others. If something really were happening and I brought harm to one of them I would never be able to forgive myself.

In the end I didn't have to worry about it- the house phone beside me jangled.

I reached over, keeping in mind that the talk button was toward the bottom of the receiver. "Hello?" I answered, forgetting to answer like I was at someone else's house.

"Duo! It's Rick. Everything all right?" His tone had a nervous edge to it, slightly different than my friends' voices.

"I'm fine, but I really need to get home." A pit of sickening worry had settled in my gut. I felt like there was a conspiracy going on around me, one no one felt the need to tell me about. "My friends are really worried about me."

"They are?"

"Yes… I've been gone all night and didn't tell anyone where I was going. They probably think I've been kidnapped or something." I joked, though the humor didn't sound even a little genuine.

"Hardly a kidnapping." He replied dismissively. "We'll set them straight when we see them."

"When we see them?" I asked, that familiar feeling of dread seeping through me.

"You _do_ still want to go home, right? I'mon my way back to the flat right now, so I should be there in about fifteen minutes. Don't… go anywhere."

My skin crawled at the order but I forced a laugh anyway. It rang hollowly in my ears. "Like where? I probably couldn't find the door even if I wanted to."

Oh, how I wanted to…

"I'll take you home when I get back. There's some food in the kitchen if you want it. I laid out a bag of bagels and some cream cheese. There are knives in the drawer below them. If you're willing to wait we can stop somewhere."

"I'd rather get home as quickly as possible."

"Well, okay. See you in a bit." He hung up before I could return the farewell.

Setting the phone carefully on the bed I tried to remember what the layout of the apartment felt like. The kitchen shouldn't be too far away and I was rather hungry. I was still holding onto my cell phone so I brought it with me when I went. I quickly felt out the number for my house and felt my way along, Stick clanking against the walls as I went.

Oddly enough, the phone was busy.

Figuring that Hilde was probably on the phone trying to figure out where I could have possibly gone for the night, I decided that calling the cell phones would be a good idea. I tried Quatre first, seeing as he was a fairly neutral party in all this and would not grill me quite as badly as any of the others. I got no response at all- it just switched directly to his voicemail. Ha. That had to be frustrating for Hilde, not being able to get hold of either of us. Great, that probably meant I would get bitched at twice as badly. Stupid Quatre.

I dialed Trowa's cell phone with the same results. The odds were just piled against me, apparently. I tried my home phone again but it was still busy. Somehow I wasn't surprised. At least it would give me something to grumble back at Hilde about when she started laying into me about disappearing. How was I supposed to let her know where I was if she was always on the phone?

Noin's line was busy as well, and Heero didn't answer his cell phone. It rang, sure enough, but he didn't answer. He could very well have been on the phone with one of the others, trying to locate me. Then again he could have just seen that it was me on the ID and chose to refrain from picking up and saying hello. If that were the case I would have to kick his ass when we met again.

Well it wasn't going to be my fault if they were all on the phone or had their cells off- I tried. If they wanted to get on my case about it when I got back, that was fine. This time I could defend myself reasonably.

I finally laid hands on the food that Rick had left on the counter of the kitchen. It was indeed bagels and cream cheese. Slowly I peeled one out of the bag and pulled it apart, setting the halves on the counter as I thought. I was a little concerned that something had happened to one of the others, but not largely so. If there were people on the phones that meant that they were talking to people which meant that they were alive. Most of the time "alive" constituted a good day for us. Given there was no life-endangering war at the moment but that didn't really make it any safer, I suppose.

I had just settled down on the floor of the kitchen (as I was unwilling to try and find myself anywhere else to take a seat) to finish my bagel when the door opened. Rick called my name and I answered back, rolling my eyes as I clambered back to my feet. He rounded the corner, shoes hitting the linoleum very audibly like he was in a big hurry. I was a little puzzled at his sigh of relief.

"Something wrong?" I asked, still feeling a little nervous about him. I think my judgment must really have been impaired last night.

"No, not if you're still here. Are you ready to go?"

"Well I didn't bring anything and I'm not taking anything away with me, so yes."

"Do you know how to get to your house?"

Crap.

No.

No I didn't.

Crapcrapcrap.

I closed my eyes, thinking back to the day before. Hilde had given directions to the cab driver. What did she tell him? She gave him directions and I was sitting _right there_! It had to be somewhere in my memory…

"If you know the address I can look it up for you." He offered, sounding much more relaxed than he had five seconds ago.

"_That_ I can do." I grinned and rattled off the address as I followed him carefully into the other room.

It wasn't long before we were on the road, speeding enough to make even me happy. It wasn't so much that I was eager to face everyone as that I wanted to know what was going on with them. Rick was deathly silent for the entire trip and I was afraid he wouldn't have known much anyway. He wasn't previously involved in the gundam pilots' affairs and he wasn't likely to continue to be involved.

Rick finally broke the silence, albeit very nervously. "Duo, there's something I have to tell you." The car sped up a little as he sighed and I could hear him fidgeting. "Kip called me at work and told me that there was something going on with the gundam pilots. He said that it would be safer if I didn't know what until after I'd dropped you off at home. I promised I wouldn't try to find out what but I don't think it can hurt right now. Do you know anything you'd be willing to tell me?"

"I wish I did." His words had only confirmed my fears. There was something bad happening and everyone expected me to know about it already. "No one is answering their phones so I can't get through to find out what they're smoking." I made a weak attempt at lightening the situation.

"You don't suppose they are just worried that you disappeared for the evening, do you?" He asked tentatively, sounding worried.

"It could be. I don't know."

We lapsed into silence after that. I worried my nails against my palms, foot bouncing tensely as I tried to keep my thoughts blank. If I didn't think about it then I wouldn't have to worry. I couldn't come up with eight million "what if" scenarios that ended badly. I'm not sure how long I spent, just trying to stay calm as we made our way to my house.

At last, gears ground as Rick threw the car into park and I listened to him unbuckle his seatbelt. "Just wait a second, I'll get the door." He told me quietly. "I parked kind of close to that blue car."

Blue car? I didn't have a blue car. I didn't have a car, period. Hilde's car, last time I had seen it, was not blue either. The only blue car was Relena's, which meant that she had beaten me here. I sighed, nodding to Rick. "Okay."

Just as he was starting to open the door, the oddest series of events happened. My phone began to ring in my pocket and a harsh voice shouted "Hands where I can see them!" from my front door. I thought I recognized Heero's voice, which almost made sense. Almost. Blinking, I reached into my pants and retrieved my phone. I flipped it open cautiously, almost as if it were going to bite me, and pressed it gently to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Duo, ohthankgodareyouallrightwherehaveyoubeen?!" Hilde cried on the other end.

"Woah, slow down. I'm right in the driveway. What's going on?" I demanded, the need to know whatever information I had been missing out on given to me.

"Duo…?" Rick asked nervously as I was talking.

"Hold on Hilde, just a second." Oddly enough I could hear cheering in the background on Hilde's end… "Yes Rick?"

"Do your friends always greet people with loaded guns?"

"Sadly, yes." I replied with a sigh.

"Well what do you want me to do?" He asked, sounding a bit frantic. I heard a shouted "stop talking and move to where I can see you!" from Heero that only caused me to roll my eyes.

"Tell him there is someone else in the car and that they are getting out as well. Then go ahead and put your hands up and move away from the car." I told him as I searched for the door handle. "I can get out on my own."

"There's someone in the car and he's getting out too." I listened to Rick shuffle slowly away with a whispered "please be careful."

I smiled and waved him off, not sure if he was even looking at me. There was a lull in noise during which I found the handle and opened the door. Very carefully I opened it until it hit the car next to Rick's with a dull clank. Judging by the small opening the door made, he hadn't been lying when he said we parked close. I just hoped Relena would forgive me if I left a dent.

"I'm coming out now!" I hollered as I wriggled free of the seat and popped my head above the car's roof. "Don't shoot, stupid." I called in what I hoped was the direction of the house.

I was greeted by silence. Confused, I moved away from the door, wondering if Heero had heard or seen me at all or if he was just pissed that it was me. Well he could get stuffed if he was going to be like that, but I hoped that he just hadn't heard me.

"Did everyone leave?" I called, hand trailing along the car as I walked around behind it and circled back to the trunk. "I didn't hear gunshots or footsteps so I'm pretty sure you're still alive and here..." My brow furrowed at the continued dead air. "Heero?"

Saying his name seemed to draw him out of whatever it was he had been doing. It was rather frustrating not knowing what was going on around me. "D-Duo…?" He asked in a disbelieving voice.

"The one and only! Hey man, put the weapon down if you haven't." I smiled, knowing that he wouldn't have moved it anywhere. "Heero this is Rick. Rick, this is Heero." I finished moving around the car and Rick gently touched my hand with the back of his to let me know where he was. I smiled again. "Thank you for letting me stay at your place, Rick, and for the ride home. I think… that it's probably best if you head to your own home, though. I think you have my number so give me a call later and hopefully I can explain. I'm sorry this is turning out so weird, I really do appreciate your help."

"Anytime." He replied, though very nervously. Maybe Heero hadn't put the gun down yet. "Glad to be able to help. I'll phone tomorrow sometime. Good luck."

I moved away from the car and he beat a hasty retreat, his engine the only vehicle sound on the street. I waited until I could no longer hear it before attempting to say anything. Taking a step forward, I stopped again and sighed. "Heero…?"

When I felt him encircle me in a hug I started, surprised at the sudden contact. I relaxed almost immediately, returning the embrace with relief. Oh, had I missed him more than I thought. The time we had spent apart because of our bickering ceased to matter as we stood there in the driveway. I felt stupid for putting either of us through that.

When I finally relaxed, it came as a great shock to realized that he was trembling something terrible. I ran my fingers lightly up and down the small of his back and whispered nonsense for a minute while he buried his nose in the side of my neck. Needless to say I was a little confused.

"What's wrong, what happened?" I whispered, attempting to pull back enough talk to him. He refused to release me so I settled back and tightened my grip. "What's got everyone so ruffled? You people left me fifteen messages, you know…"

"I'm sorry, Duo, I'm so very, very sorry…" His voice was choked with regret that did not immediately register with me.

"It's no big deal. They just took a while to listen to and then no one explained what was… um… Oh." It dawned on me that he possibly was _not_ talking about the phone messages and was, indeed, referring to our earlier fight. At the time I was not sure I could even totally remember what it had been about. "Well… I did a lot of thinking about it and I think that it doesn't matter as much as I first thought it did. Just… please promise me that you won't keep blaming yourself for what happened."

"I won't if you don't."

"You like that promise, don't you?" I remembered him using it several times in our past. Most notably was when he attempted to make me promise not to make unnecessary attachments to people I fought with in the war. "I don't blame me and I don't blame you. I blame crappy luck and a war neither of us asked for or wanted. I'm sorry that I spoke harshly at the hospital. I was upset and acting… well, stupidly."

He sighed and finally loosened his hold on me and moved, but only just barely. His temple rested against the edge of my shoulder. "You didn't mean it, did you? That you hated me?"

"No." I said quickly, "No, I didn't. I was just really angry. I guess it hurt me more than I realized to think that you were only standing by me out of a sense of duty. I hated that, not you." I admitted quietly, trying not to face him.

He pulled back and placed his hands on both sides of my jaw with his thumbs in front of my ears and fingers resting gently but firmly against my neck, forcing me to face him even though he knew I couldn't see him. "That is _not_ what I meant, Duo. I was staying with you because I-" He froze mid-sentence with a small noise. I wondered what was wrong, half expecting him to completely clam up and go inside, leaving the discussion for a later date. Possibly forever. But he merely sighed and continued in a strained voice. "You're my closest friend and… and well, more. So much more. Fighting with you was a stupid mistake and I'm sorry." He let his forehead touch mind as he let out a breath of a laugh. "It was all I could do to stop thinking about you for five minutes for the last few days…"

That surprised me. I wasn't sure what I expected but it wasn't that. "Even though you were at Relena's?"

"No, _because_ I was at Relena's and not with you." He told me solemnly. "You're absolutely right to think that I _am_ standing by you because I have to."

I started to pull away, irritated at the declaration. "Heero-"

"No, let me finish." He interrupted swiftly before I could protest. "When I thought the Marauders had taken you… I thought I was going to be sick. When I thought that they might have had you, or even killed you, I felt worse than I've ever felt before in my life. It dawned on me that that feeling must be the same one you had to go through so many times because of me. I am _so sorry_, Duo…" He trailed off and I seized the opportunity to ask the question that had been bothering me ever since I listened to my messages.

"It's okay now. Who are the Marauders?"

"Haven't you heard about them?" I could hear the confusion in his voice. "They're that terrorist group that has been acting out recently."

I shook my head in response. "I've been living in a bit of a vacuum with Hilde, trying to learn how to get around and have a life again."

"You haven't heard their broadcast yet?" He asked incredulously.

"No!" I cried, exasperated. "Didn't I just say that?"

"I'm sorry. I just- it's rather big news. Earlier today, around nine, the Marauders made an audio broadcast announcing their intentions to find, capture, and publicly execute all five of the gundam pilots for war crimes."

"So you thought they had me?" I grinned. "Well all those messages certainly make a lot more sense now… You should know that I can take care of myself."

"Yes, but they also announced that they had already taken one of us."

"Who?" I asked quickly. "It wasn't me, I was with Rick all… night…" I just know I paled entirely when I thought about everything that had happened and everything that Heero had just said. Everything that I had told Rick. If someone wanted to find out information about the gundam pilots… I had just given them the perfect source. If Rick wasn't already with the Marauders they could probably find him easily enough. "We have a problem."

"Problem?" He echoed curiously.

"Rick knows… a lot." Heero pulled away from me and I could picture quite a few faces he could have been making at me, none of them good. "I'm sorry, Heero! I was just trying to get an outside perspective on the situation and I ended up talking and probably saying much more than I should have."

"You don't think he was feeding information to the Marauders, do you?"

"The time frame would have been right for that announcement. You said nine, right? He said he was at work when he called at ten…"

"Why would he bring you back if he were working with them? I'd imagine he'd want to keep you close at hand."

"Would he?" I asked, ideas beginning to form. "Heero… who all is here?"

"Me, Trowa, Relena, Hilde, Pagan, and you, now. Why?"

"Where are the others?" I ignored his question, hoping he would just work with me on this.

"Quatre and Wu Fei are on their way over right now, they should be here in…" I could almost _hear_ the realization dawning in his voice. "Oh god. We practically rounded ourselves up for them…"

"Get the others on the phone and tell them to stay away. We need to leave as soon as possible. Is there someplace we can go?"

"Relena already has a safe-house ready." He informed me as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me over the grass in what I assumed as the direction of the house. "We were going to head there as soon as Quatre and Wu Fei showed."

"Well we need to head there _now_ instead." I insisted as I heard him open the front door and suddenly I knew where I was and how to get around without help.

"Duo!" Hilde cried happily as soon as I entered the main room. I was quickly accosted and found myself in another hug. Somewhere near the house a dog began barking.

"Why is there a dog here?" I managed to query as soon as I could breathe again. Apparently they were ignoring me because I didn't get an answer.

"We need to get out of here." Heero said seriously. "Relena who are you talking on the phone with? Can you get Quatre and Wu Fei on the phone and tell them that-"

"No, I can't." Relena interrupted with a sarcastic, somewhat amused tone.

"Don't take that tone with me." He snapped, leaving me to wonder if something had happened between them. "Get off the phone, this is important."

"So is this!" She returned angrily.

I could sense a fight brewing if they kept this up so I hopped right in and hoped I wouldn't be savaged for speaking out of turn. "Let her finish talking. Who is it?"

"It's Noin." She said importantly, as if that was supposed to tell us everything. Unfortunately it didn't. Giving an exasperated sigh she continued. "She says they finally got a track on where the broadcast was sent from. They didn't want to call until they were sure, but now they are and they've taken some people into custody. It looks like they were just blowing smoke when they said they knew anything about us."

"Take a look." She returned, cranking the volume on the television.

Gunfire. Shouting. An annoying voice-over lady was reporting the statistics of the fight and speculating on where their two saviors had come from. She began praising it as yet another daring rescue by the gundam pilots, proving again that the peace that had been earned was not going to be destroyed so easily. Sometimes people on the news were really cheesy.

"What is she talking about?" I inquired, as I was not able to see what was being played on the television. I'm sure it made a lot more sense if one could see it.

"Trowa's circus was attacked just before you drove up. Apparently Quatre and Wu Fei detoured there and are taking care of the situation with Sandrock and the Shenlong." Heero informed me distractedly. "How did they get there so fast? I thought they were coming here?"

"It doesn't look like they are killing anyone." Trowa pointed out softly.

"Yeah look!" Hilde added, "You can see them jumping out of the hatches!"

"Now what?" I asked finally, wondering how this changed our plans. "Are we leaving or not?"

"According to what Noin told me, we haven't got to. She doesn't seem to think that there were many more people than those she just rounded up and the suits down at the circus." Relena sighed. "She says they seem to be a pretty haphazard organization, thrown together after the war. Simple terrorists." She made a funny noise then and I heard her sit up suddenly. "Oh yeah, Trowa? She says Catherine phoned them after Q and 'Fei turned up to say that they had it under control. So she's fine."

"It would seem that there was a lot of needless worry caused today." Heero observed passively. I doubted anyone else could hear the note of doubt in his voice so I wasn't about to bring it up, but I shot a curious look in his general direction and received a soft touch to my arm in reassurance. "I want to talk to you later." He whispered for my benefit.

"Okay…" That didn't sound good.

As it turns out, everyone decided to stay well past lunch and Relena didn't get off the phone with Noin the entire time. Pagan puttered around, which amused me to no end. Before I lost my vision I had always thought that he moved silently. He was always popping up without us seeing or hearing him, surprising us. Either my hearing was actually improving or I was finally able to notice the minute sounds around me because I could hear his shoes click ever-so-softly on the floors as he moved. I greeted him every time he approached anywhere near me, earning me several "how did you do that"s from the others.

The best part of the day was when someone remembered that there was a dog. Apparently Hilde had put it outside because it was making so much noise when I arrived. They hauled it inside and dragged me into the front room with it. No one was telling me anything about the situation and the first thing I assumed was actually that Relena had gotten a dog for some reason.

"Relena?" Heero said with amusement when I questioned him. "Hey, remember how you're blind?" Fortunately I could tell he was joking or I would have gotten very angry.

"No, sometimes I forget." I replied, an idea beginning to form.

"Remember I mentioned getting a guide dog before?" He said softly. "Tada…"

I could hardly breathe as the realization of what he was saying really sunk in. Gently I dropped to my knees, slowly reaching forward to where I could hear the dog panting. My fingertips brushed fur and it was an instantaneous reaction- I suddenly had an armful of cuddly dog who seemed to think I tasted nice. I ran fingers through the thick fur, tugging gently on velvety soft ears. I could hear a steady thump-thump-thump as tail met floor repeatedly. I was smiling so hard it hurt.

"What's his name?"

"_Her_ name is Loki. She's a black German Shepard if that means anything to you." He paused before adding, "She's got bright green eyes."

I choked- the significance of her coloration was not lost on me. "Just like Deathscythe…" I whispered, hands slowing at the muted discovery. I felt a rush of sentimental feeling course through me and suddenly I felt like I need to know everything. "How old is she? Is she trained? Where did you get her? I can really keep her? Can I-"

"Woah, slow down!" Heero stopped me before I could ask anything else. "I think we were told she's around a year old. We got her from a dog breeder who said that she is partially trained- but only in German. If you can get her to listen to you she is entirely yours."

"Well, let's give it a try!" I clambered excitedly to my feet. I felt like such a little kid- I had wanted to get a dog since I was a little kid but it had never been practical. The streets never had enough food, the church wouldn't hear of keeping one, and once I took on Deathscythe there was no place for me to have one. "Sitz!"

It took me a moment to realize that despite the fact that I could hear her move I didn't know if she had actually sat or just moved. I heard Heero attempt to hide a chuckle and turned my head in his direction. "She did it. She still needs more specific training but… congrats, you have yourself a guide dog."

I held out my hand to him and he took it smoothly, allowing me to pull him down into an embrace. "Thank you." I whispered, "So much. I love her."

Needless to say I spent the entire rest of the day playing with the dog instead of being responsible and paying attention to what was going on with the others. Heero stayed close by me, something that didn't surprise me at all after the events of that day. In fact I was very glad that he chose to pay attention to me rather than the rest of the world, considering the tense situation with the others. The only thing that could have made the day better would have been if we were left alone. Unfortunately no one seemed to feel like departing my house, as it had become a pseudo-home-base.

When they finally left it was late evening and I was exhausted, but things were wrapped up perfectly. Too perfectly, in my own opinion. I lay quietly in my bed, arms folded behind my head and Loki curled up on my right side. Heero was still clanging around in the kitchen as he cleaned it. Fighting him to stay in that room hadn't seemed worth it so I had retreated to my own room.

He finally retired from the kitchen, flopping onto the bed beside me. I smiled and rolled onto my side, arm slipping around his waist as easily as if we had not skipped a beat. The past few days seemed to melt away, leaving only the comfort of having him near me again. He shifted into my touch, snuggling close with a throaty sigh.

"Howsit?" I asked tiredly, slurring my words with sleep.

Running his fingers lightly up and down my arm, he made a small noise in the back of his throat. "Quatre'll call back tomorrow." He yawned and I couldn't help myself from following suit. "Noin says the Marauders have been fairly well rounded up and taken care of. Trowa is going back to the circus to repair things there. All in all it seems everything has turned out well."

I smiled softly, twining one of my legs around his. I knew that tone of voice. "Something wrong with that?"

"It's too simple. They sounded like they knew what they were doing, for once. Like they really could have pulled off what they were threatening." He admitted sullenly. It almost sounded like he had been expecting so much more than what had happened. "The timing was so perfect, such a horrible time for us that it felt like a real threat."

"It was sheer dumb luck. We've all had it happen to us before. It was just someone else's turn this time." Loki melted off the bed behind me, settled on the floor with an indignant huff. Brat. "Look, if things are going well, why do we have to question them?"

It wasn't that I didn't think it was an issue. Heero was absolutely right to think that something was way wrong with the way things were going. There was no way something that coincidental was actually a coincidence. There was always more to it. However it was late and I was very tired and all I wanted to do was curl up next to him again and forget that there were ever problems with anything. I wanted to play pretend for at least one night before allowing any shit to hit any fan.

Thankfully he seemed to agree, as he let the matter drop and settled down, coiling protectively around me. I smiled, finally closing my eyes and letting sleep claim me without a second thought. It wouldn't be until much later that we would realize what a mistake relaxing had been…

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty, Through the Storm**/

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	21. Chapter Twenty One

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/**_I believe the sun should never set upon an argument  
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty One**

* * *

A very peaceful, easy-going year passed after the Marauder incident caused such a scare. Everyone was tense for weeks afterwards but nothing happened. It was as though by imprisoning a few people the rogue band disintegrated- faded into the background where everyone forgot about them. The quiet was good news for the peace conferences Relena and Quatre were always wrapped up in holding. It had taken just a few weeks shy of a full for them to come to an agreement that everyone could live with. It was only a short matter of time before the entire human race united under Relena's guidance.

Unfortunately there were more pressing matters for me to deal with than the unity of our species. At the moment I was trying to maintain the unity of just two people- myself and Heero. Again.

"You haven't got to act like that, Heero!" I snapped angrily, biting back the urge to stomp my foot in a childish way. "It's not like I'm asking you to make speeches or anything. It's _just_ a dinner. I told Quatre we could go and if you don't then what does that make me?"

He ignored my pleas, even though I knew very well he could hear me. I think that sometimes he thought if he just held his breath and stayed completely still that I wouldn't know where he was…

I growled, moving in his direction without thinking about it. "All I'm saying is that the human race is finally becoming a single nation and has a part of the human race and a potential member of this new nation I think you should attend the final meeting with the rest of us."

"No. I hate formal occasions." He responded at last, sounding very put out at the implication that he should be exactly where he was supposed to be.

"All you have to do is sit there!" I cried incredulously, fed up with fighting him on the issue. We were supposed to be attending the last peace conference in a few hours at Relena's manor and all he could do was argue with me about whether or not he was going to go. "You agreed over a _month_ ago! You can't back out now!" I told him stubbornly.

With a growl I heard him yank his keys off the table. "I don't have to deal with this."

I groaned, rolling my eyes as I followed him toward the door. "Loki!" I called, hoping she was close enough to take out if I had to follow him. "Heero, come on, wait. Where are you going? You can't just leave. Even if you're not going I still need a ride there."

"I'm going for a walk. Call a cab." He snapped, stomping angrily down the front walk. "You can still use the phone."

I gaped, not believing what I had just heard. Over the past year we'd had our tiffs but he'd never been an asshole about it before. "That was low." I told him, sounding more hurt than I'd intended. "Are you really going to walk away like that?" I didn't even know if he could hear me or not- I couldn't hear his footsteps but I couldn't tell if that was because he had stopped walking or if he had walked away. "What if something happens? You might get hit by a car or I could get into an accident or choke on a piece of food at dinner… Then how will you feel?"

I heard him sigh from a few yards away and his feet scuffed on the pavement as he turned. That trick worked every time. He couldn't take being guilt tripped and he knew how much I hated leaving his company while we were still fighting. I didn't honestly expect him to get hit by a car and I certainly didn't plan on dying any time soon, but letting someone leave thinking you are angry with them is the worst feeling.

"Duo I love you, I do, but I'm not going to the dinner. End of discussion. If you want to go that's fine- I won't stop you. I'm going to go for a walk. I'll drive you there when I get back."

I relaxed, knowing that he couldn't possibly be as mad as he had been acting moments ago. More than anything, mention of something going wrong seemed to affect the two of us. I knew it was because of our pasts, all the time we had spent with uncertain futures. The thought of losing the other now, after everything we'd done to get here… well, there weren't many other things that scared me that much. I made sure neither of us left angry, just in case.

"Be careful, okay?" I told him gently, the tips of my fingers brushing Loki's fur. I listened to him turn around again and walk down the driveway. "Wait, Heero?" I called, taking a hesitant step forward. He stopped again and I let out the breath I had taken. "I love you too. Hurry home."

He didn't respond, only resumed walking, shoes tapping much more gently on the pavement now. Sighing I turned around and headed back indoors, Loki trailing after me. Her claws were clicking unusually on the ground, reminding me that she was overdue for having her nails trimmed. It was usually my responsibility because I had learned the path to the dog-groomer's down the street. I promised myself I would take her tomorrow, if it was still open.

"Hier, Loki." I ordered as she began to wander away from me again. She whined nervously and licked my hand as I flopped onto the couch. "Platz." I ordered gently and she obeyed, laying down at my feet. Her tail thumped back and forth against the couch and floor.

Truth be told I was still a little upset that Heero was getting so bent out of shape over this whole dinner thing. Really, would it kill him to hop down to Quatre's for a while for the broadcast? Morale for everyone, everywhere would be high and seeing the five of us pilots alive and well and still protecting them couldn't hurt. There wasn't a television or vid-screen anywhere that was not tuned into the frequency that was to broadcast the last peace conference.

Of course, there were only a few people who knew that everything was already wrapped up nicely. The broadcast was only to make it publicly official. All separation between nations or the Colonies and Earth had already been dealt with. Aside from making it common knowledge the deal was already sealed.

Man, did it feel good to know that.

We had done that. We had helped make that unity possible.

Maybe that didn't mean as much to Heero as it did to me.

If that were the case it would be easier to forgive him for acting so nastily the whole day. He could be a real prick when he wanted to be, as I had discovered. Rarely, though, was that attitude ever directed at me or the other pilots. Not even Quatre got the third degree burn when he talked to Heero anymore. I think that since Heero and I had worked things out and gotten our lives pulled together properly he stopped seeing Quatre as any sort of threat to our relationship. Not that he could have possibly thought I would stay with Quatre and not him- It was glaringly obvious how much Quatre and Trowa wanted to get together.

Those two still confound me. After all this time those two have still not managed to cobble together a proper working relationship. A year it's been and still Trowa is gallivanting around with the circus instead of making his home with his lovely little Quatre. I must get a phone call at _least_ once or twice a week from Quatre, having an attack over the situation. The poor thing is too nervous to do anything, though, and he has expressly asked me not to say anything about it to Trowa. Hey, I gave him my word and I'm not about to break it, even if staying quiet _does_ go against every bit of common sense in me.

Just because I said I wouldn't say anything to Trowa doesn't mean I can't ask Heero to say something…

Sadly I know Heero wouldn't do it. On occasion I ask him if he's going to talk to Trowa about the whole Quatre situation but every time I speak up he just tells me that he's already had that discussion and it's really none of our business. It damn well is my business if I've got to listen to Quatre being upset over it. Heero always clams up about what exactly he and Trowa discussed before. That's one of the few things that he still goes silent about.

Really, he's gotten a lot better since the end of the war. He seemed to have decided that since our lives were no longer in danger if we spoke to others it was an acceptable behaviour. I think the Marauders had given him quite a scare in that he realized just how shitty things can turn in the blink of an eye. Some part of me is grateful to them for changing that in him, for making him open up like he did. It made him so much easier to handle.

Truthfully the Marauders were still a bit of a sore spot for the both of us. Everything had wrapped up far too nicely. The entire event was being regarded as a _huge_ prank pulled by some wealthy upstarts who had only come to power because the larger leaders of OZ had been killed. Noin had the mobile suits gathered from the circus checked and the results had really warped everyone's views of the situation. The suits were basically walking tin cans; scraps and junk pulled together from older junked suits. They could walk and some of them could shoot but that was about it. Heero looked into their attack patterns and they had only been stirring up trouble in places where visibility was awful- giving them the effect that they were appearing and disappearing without being able to be detected. That also explained why they never stuck around to fight any real MS- they would have been found out almost immediately.

From the people Noin had taken captive she learned that the circus had only been under attack because that was the only location they knew. Trowa should have been there but Heero had called him away to pick up Loki, as I later discovered. The whole thing looked like sheer luck for both sides. We hadn't heard a peep from any sort of opposition since then.

I was not about to argue. Peace suited me just fine. After a few months of training with Loki and learning how to get around and do things without making a complete fool of myself I had taken a job with the Preventers. Five days a week I took a bus into town and headed for the training grounds. People were slowly trickling into the Preventers' force and they all needed training. For the most part I worked with an assistant and we worked the students through protocols and regulations. Every Friday they participated in a mock scenario where they would be tested in what they had learned earlier in the week. Loki especially loved those, as she got to be a part of more than one.

All in all… well, life was shaping up to be not such a bad thing. Sure, I mean I had my differences with people now and again but it was nothing at all as tough as my previous life. I had a good house (we had just finished remodeling it last month), a fantastic job, and I'd finally gotten the guy I'd wanted since the beginning.

If I could just make it past tonight things would be all that much better.

It was just before eleven. The dinner wasn't until eight tonight and the broadcast of everything was to be aired at nine. That left about ten more hours to get through before everything we had spent our lives working for would come to fruition.

Just ten more hours.

Even I could handle that.

I was sitting on that couch, contemplating everything that happened and everything that would happen as I waited for Heero to return from his walk.

That was when the phone call came.

Just as it started ringing Loki leapt to her feet and began barking. She so rarely barked that it startled me at first. Her barks were deep and throaty, completely unfitting for how sweet she normally was. I could hardly hear the phone ringing over all the noise she was making.

"Loki, lass es!" I called, reaching for the phone. "Shut up for a minute!" She didn't stop barking. I covered one ear with my free hand and pressed the receiver to the other. "Hello?" I nearly shouted, reaching for Loki's collar as she began to move away from me.

"Duo?! Oh thank Allah!" It was Quatre. I had expected him to sound a little nervous, with all whole conference going on and all, but he seemed almost frantic. I immediately began to worry a great deal. What was with everyone all of a sudden? "Duo, take Loki and get out of there NOW!"

"What? Quatre, calm down." I covered the mouth piece. "Loki, lass es! Hier!" I shouted, though it didn't make a difference. I began to make my way to her as I turned back to the phone. "What's going on?"

"Get out, Duo." A shiver of fear ran down my spine at his tone. "It's the Marauders, they-" His voice caught before he could continue.

"Marauders?" I questioned, confused. Why was he bringing them up at a time like this? They were last years news, he had better things to worry about now. "Quatre-"

"Relena is _dead_, Duo. **Get. Out. NOW."**

The connection crackled and I missed what he said next. Somehow I think that even if the line was crystal clear I wouldn't have heard him. Sound all around me had hollowed out, making me feel as though I were in a vacuum. Loki's ceaseless barking became distant, ringing in my ears.

Dead?

Relena was _dead_?

That couldn't be. I'd been talking to her just this morning. She couldn't be dead. We weren't in a war anymore, we weren't fighting or dying anymore. Why would Quatre say something like that?

"That's not funny…" I whispered, choking on my shock. It had to be a joke. There was no way something like that could be happening. Not now, not today. Any other day but today. Any other time.

"Duo?! Duo?!" Quatre was shouting for me on the other end.

There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to hang up that phone and pretend nothing had happened. That I could pretend everything was still all right and that Heero would come home and we would go to dinner and see Relena and everyone else just fine. That I could pretend Quatre was just pulling some sick joke on me for whatever reason.

Unfortunately there was nothing I could do less.

I knew, somewhere in my soldier's brain, that if what he was saying was true I was potentially in very serious danger. If there were people at the press conference killing there would be people other places ready to do the same. Right now whatever else had gone down I needed to get myself to safety and then worry about finding the others. I couldn't do anyone any good if I were dead.

"I'm here. Tell me what's happening!" I shouted back, unsure of whether or not he could hear me over Loki and through the static. I winced when I heard the phone respond with only a harsh crackle in my ear as Quatre tried to speak. "Cat, you're breaking up…" My voice trembled almost as much as my body and sounded far away, like I was speaking underwater.

A string of obscenities filtered through the phone, broken by angry white noise. I made a numb grab for Loki's collar. Quatre shouted something the instant before the line went dead. Dropping the useless device like it had bitten me, I secured my hold on the collar and began to drag the still barking canine across the room.

"Loki!" I cried, exasperated and scared. "Hier! Fuss! Come ON you stupid mutt! We have to leave!" She wouldn't stop barking, even as I hauled her bodily toward the door, away from the window.

She never barked like that; the scary sort of bark like she was going to attack something.

An icy pit of fear settled in my stomach as I realized I didn't have time to "get out."

They were already here.

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty One, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

* * *

/**_Won't anybody help us?_**

**_What are we running for?_**

**_When there's no where _**

**_We can run to anymore_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Two**

* * *

I panicked, just like that. As soon as I realized that I was not alone my stomach twisted into a pit of fear. Loki continued to bark, but she had made no move to actually attack anything so I assumed that there was no one in the house yet. Even with Loki at my side I couldn't prevent myself from worrying. If these people were any good then they would have the place surrounded. That left me the option of hiding and hoping they wouldn't find me or trying to make a break for it anyhow, through whatever they had planned. Neither option seemed like it would be very successful.

As I headed down the hallway, pulling the wildly protesting dog alongside me, I heard the faint sounds of gunfire and shouting. Loki went entirely silent, the stress that had been on her collar going slack as she moved to my side. She was still growling low in her throat but at least she wasn't quite as noticeable now. I tried desperately to think of what I was going to do as I attempted to ignore the fight that was going on in the street. The only thing I could think was that Heero had gotten home from his walk and discovered them. He had been unarmed when he left but I knew that condition would be remedied quickly.

There was a crack as something hit the back door Loki and I had been moving toward. The sounds of splintering wood reached me and I hastily decided to retreat back to the front. This was so not good. They were calling confirmation from the back of the house and I heard people toward the front answer. I found myself trapped in the hallway as people entered through the front door, booted feet clomping heavily on the hardwood. I cursed myself for leaving the house unlocked as I yanked Loki back toward my bedroom. She was pulling against the collar, straining to get out of my grasp and to the people invading our home.

I gave up entirely and released her the second she picked up barking again. Hiding wouldn't do me any good if she was just going to bark the entire time. I ducked into the bedroom, hand on the wall as I grabbed Stick from beside the nightstand. I heard shouts and a loud thud from the front room as I snatched my gun from the top drawer of my dresser as well as a few loaded clips. Shoving the clips into my pocket I returned to the hallway, seriously hoping that I would be able to at least bluff my way out of the situation. If they knew I was blind I was done for but if not…

"Hands where we can see them!" Shouted a harsh voice from just behind me, where the linen closet was.

"If you insist!" I whirled around on my heel, bracing the gun in my hands and locking my arms, preparing to take a shot, however small the chance of damaging the other person was.

Before I could shoot, however, someone fired a shot from just behind me. My entire body flinched and I almost dropped my own gun in response as I ducked out the way. My ears rang painfully with the shock of the blast, giving me an instantaneous headache. I hadn't heard anything that ear-splitting for a _year_.

Over the ringing echo of the gun I began to hear the men in my house shouting and Loki barking furiously. I opened my mouth to give her the attack command but I found myself being man-handled to the ground, my mouth covered. I flailed like I had never flailed before in my life and got a vicious knee to my stomach for my efforts. I doubled over, held semi-upright by whomever had me from behind. Struggling to breathe through my nose, I twisted as best I could, fighting futilely.

They had me and we all knew it.

"Call your dog off or I'll shoot it myself." Growled a voice next to my ear as the hand left my lips.

"Loki, lass es! Steht noch, steh, please steh." I groaned, pleading with her to stay standing still. The commotion down the hall stopped immediately and I was very glad she was listening to me again. "Please don't hurt her, please."

"Don't worry about her. We're not out to hurt the dog. Least not that dog." It was the same gruff voice as before, though further away this time. "So long as you keep her under control we have no reason to bring her to harm."

My mind was racing, trying to think of a way out of the vice grip of the person holding me. Loki was still growling but it didn't seem like she was doing anything to endanger either of us. "Let me go." I growled, twisting as best I could but making little progress. "Where's Heero?"

"The other whelp's been taken care of for the moment." I hated the tone of his voice, the way it felt so oily and smug while considering whatever they had done with Heero. "Cuff him."

I cursed, dropping support from my knees in the hopes that I could unbalance my captor. He growled something, stumbling half a step as he was forced downward with me. There was no way I could let them cuff me- once that happened I knew there would be next to no chance of escape. I couldn't let that happen but I couldn't do anything as long as I was still worried for Loki.

"Geh raus! Geh raus!" I shouted, hoping she would "get out" before anyone realized what I'd ordered her to do. I heard those long nails click rapidly on the hardwood and several of the men started shouting as she took off for the splintered back door they had broken through moments ago.

I was just squirming to freedom when the blow came. Directly to the back of my head, someone hit me so hard I felt I should have seen stars. I collapsed to the floor, jarring my knees painfully as I went down hard.

"Move him and grab the other. Get that fucking dog under control, _now_." said that same tough voice seconds before I blacked out completely.

I woke with a pounding headache, forcing me to keep my eyes closed. Before I even moved I realized that my hands were bound- tightly. Giving them an experimental tug I realized they were joined closely together, probably a pair of those magnetically locking bands that are impossibly hard to get out of. I heard the jingle of a chain as well and felt the heavy weight of it against my leg. Great. Not only had they cuffed my hands but they had chained the cuffs to the floor as well.

These guys were serious.

I heard the faint click of claws on metal from off to my right and had to assume they had brought Loki with them. A wave of relief washed through my body, making my muscles go slack. They hadn't killed her, which was a point in my favor. Hopefully they hadn't hurt her, either.

"Loki." I whistled, though both sounds sent piercing jolts of pain through my temples.

I listened to her trot over with a small whine and reached my hands out for her. She gently nuzzled my palms before licking my cheek. Running my hands down her front I settled back and tried to get my brain to un-fuzz and stop hurting. It was strange because it should have been the back of my head that was hurting the worst, but it wasn't. I felt like someone had taken hot pokers and rammed them into the sides of my head. I was completely disoriented, not able to attach and form a coherent thought as to why that might be.

Just then, Loki whined and nuzzled my hand again, as if fearing I was going to leave her. I ran my hands through her formerly silky fur, now matted with blood. I hoped none of it was hers and that only a little bit of it was mine. I could feel the thick halter they had put her in, felt the taut line she was tied to the lead off in the direction of the wall. It didn't initially make sense, having her in the room. It did now. They planned on using her to control me.

Tears leapt to my eyes and I squinted them tightly shut in response. "I'm sorry, girl." I whispered, voice strained. I knew that if it came down to it and I had a chance to escape I would take it, whether or not Loki was able to come along. Yes, I hoped against hope that she would be at my side but if that wasn't a luxury I could take I would leave anyway. Letting them see my affection for her at my house had only put her in danger now and I regretted ever doing so. "I'm so sorry lovely… Please forgive me if I can't get you out of this."

She gently licked my hands and settled down as close as the line would allow her to get to me. I rolled onto my side, groaning at the watery feeling of pain that built in my temples at the motion. Using my bound hands as leverage I managed to reach a sitting position. That was when I felt it.

My braid.

It was undone.

My hands flew to the side of my face, as far as I could strain to reach as I tangled my fingers in my hair, frantically touching.

They had cut my hair.

My eyes opened in shock as I gingerly followed the strands to their ends. My hair fell just above my shoulders. All of the hair-pin lock picks that normally held my braid together at the base of my skull had been removed. I felt naked without the weight of my braid resting against my back. Any dignity I could have retained through being captured and chained to the floor felt like it had been shorn the same as my hair. I shivered, wiping desolately at the tears creeping into the corners of my eyes.

It wasn't so much that they had taken the hair as that I hadn't been given a choice. They had taken my braid and all the memories that had been wrapped up in it seemed hollow. Like if I didn't have something tangible to assure myself that the past was real, it didn't feel like it really happened. Solo, who had first taken up a brush and worked through my hair until it was smooth and clean, free of debris from the streets. Sister Helen who had first tried to do something with my hair and Father Maxwell who told her to braid it instead of forcing a haircut.

Heero, who had spent so many showers insisting on washing my hair and asking timidly for the first time if he could braid it for me.

All of them had comforted me when I touched my braid.

All of them were taken from me, without warning.

Loki move forward to lick my cheek with a concerned noise.

I froze, eyes wide.

I very carefully stretched my hands out in front of me and concentrated hard on focusing. Very, very vaguely I could make out an outline in the blackness of my vision. I choked on the next breath I tried to take and moved my arms in as wide an arc as my restraints would allow. I could see them! Not well, not at all well… but I could. I was hardly able to breathe because of the sheer excitement settling in my chest.

But how?

What happened?

I waved my hands in slow arcs in front of me, mesmerized by the simple, shadowy motion. It was such an easy act, something so many took for granted but at the moment it was entirely exhilarating. I let out an excited noise, unable to help myself.

"Loki, hier." She settled herself next to me and buried my nose in her fur, vaguely realizing that she could not get any closer to me. "I can see, girl. Maybe we can get out of here after all." I knew she probably wouldn't understand me, but it felt good to say to someone. Maybe if I sounded hopeful she wouldn't be as scared as she was acting.

I could almost feel escape I was so excited. If I could get out of here somehow I could escape back to Earth, back to Heero and…

My thoughts ground to a halt as I realized that I didn't know if Heero was all right or not. For all I knew he was right here in this dump with me. Just because I hadn't heard anyone else move didn't mean there wasn't anyone in the room. However, after several minutes of listening for someone else's breathing the only two I could hear were myself and Loki. I tried looking but it wasn't much use- all I could see were dark, shadowy blobs.

I didn't dare hope it would get any better than shadowy blobs, however. I knew better than to count on an ability I didn't have. Too many accidents happened to people who did that and an accident at this time was liable to be disastrous. I couldn't slip up, not if these people were half as crafty as they had proven so far.

Despite how much I wanted to dwell on my recovered vision, I very carefully I forced myself to relax and rationalize this turn of events and how it affected my situation. If I were, through some stroke of luck, regaining any sort of vision that would be an advantage over these people that they did not know about. I pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to think around the splitting headache that was centering there.

It was my guess that when they hit me something got knocked. I knew that nerve cells were good at regenerating under the right conditions. From what I knew of human psychology it was my understanding that the brain could learn to work around damage done to it if given time and if the person were young enough still. I wasn't entirely sure that optical nerves had the same regenerative abilities but that was the only explanation I could think of. That would definitely explain why my temples hurt so badly.

I gave up wondering _how_ it had happened and steered my thinking to how I was going to get _out._ Giving the cuffs another experimental tug I decided that there was definitely no way I was going to break out of the actual cuffs (not without my lock picks) but there _might_ be a way to take the chain with me. Wherever it was linked to the cuffs there was a soft resistance, instead of the harsh jar of metal. If I could figure out what it was I might be able to break it. I'd still be locked in a cell but at least I would have free range of movement. That would open up a world of possibilities for escape.

I was less than amused to find out that my ankles were also bound to the floor. Though less tightly and with a soft material that felt a bit like leather I was still just as trapped. Flopping backwards I groaned and tried to focus my vision more acutely. I was still just seeing dark blobs with little bits of outlines. I didn't expect it to get much better than that so I set about trying to figure out how to use that to my advantage.

After a while I decided that I had neglected to take Loki into consideration. She had been so silent I had almost forgotten they'd put her in with me. I called her over, reaching above my head to where she sat and tangled my fingers in her fur. It felt like she was harnessed to a fairly simply woven harness. I searched around, feeling to see if I could find some way to easily undo it. Whatever else these people were, they were thorough. The harness was all one piece, even leading up onto the "leash" part of it, too far for me to reach from where I was chained to the floor.

Sighing, I settled back onto the floor to wait. That seemed to be the only thing to do at the moment, until opportunity struck.

It felt like hours passed before anyone showed up at my cell. By that time my vision had improved greatly, though I was still having a hard time in the dim lighting. Honestly I was thankful that there was not much light- I fear that would have been intolerably painful. I'd been lazily tracing patterns on the ceiling tiles until I heard motion outside the door. It wasn't a simple changing of the guard like the last time I had heard people moving. Someone was definitely coming to see me.

I had been able to hear the guards outside quietly muttering back and forth but there were no signs of actual officer action until I heard him speak. I had long ago learned to recognize authoritative voices. I sat up and listened to them shuffle some papers around before he insisted on being allowed into the room. There didn't seem to be any protest from either of the guards. I lay back down as quietly as I could, hoping that whatever they were here to do they would do quickly.

"We're coming in. I strongly suggest you do not try to move." A light male voice warned from just outside the door.

"Screw you." I called, though I chose to not move yet. Loki growled from the corner.

"I suggest you control that mutt of yours as well, or it will be put down before you can blink. It is only being tolerated at the request of my commander, but we are under orders to preserve our own safety first." He said snidely.

"Don't get in her way, then." I spat angrily. Loki rose to her feet with another growl and I snorted. "Loki, lass es." I told her quietly. They were using her against me by threatening her safety and we all knew it. As much as I hated the fact I wasn't about to needlessly put her in danger. "Bleib." She settled back and fell quiet, following my command to stay.

There was a pause and then the electronic beeping of a keypad. Gears whirred to life and the bolts clunked free as they released the locks. It looked like they weren't taking any chances with me. The heavy metal door slid sideways into the wall and the entranceway flooded with golden yellow light. Two men entered, cautiously. It's not like I could have gone anywhere- I was still cuffed and chained to the floor.

Without looking directly at them I observed the two. One appeared to be a service man, pushing a stout black cart. On top rested a vid-screen, the monitor blank. He pushed it back against the wall and turned to leave, brushing past the other man without touching him, as if afraid. My muscles tensed at the action as I realized whomever the other person was, he was important and most likely not a nice guy.

Trying not to look as though I were getting a proper glance at him, I let my gaze wander up the wall beside him, slightly off-center and unfocused. He was clearly an officer of some sort, with a military. Apparently the Marauders were organized. It scared me that they must also have been a large enough organization to NEED officers like the one that stood before me.

"There will be a broadcast in an hour that I think you will find particularly… of interest. I suggest you listen carefully. You'll be participating soon enough." He smirked, but a faint look of confusion passed over his features when I made no move to respond or react. "Did you understand me?"

Loki growled, but remained where she was sitting. I stared mutely at the floor, willing him to play my game and move close enough for me to kick. I was hurt and pissed and I know it was childish of me to want to lash out but sometimes I just can't help myself. I felt like a caged animal, a feeling I loathed. So I controlled my smile when he took a step toward me and waited to see if he would play along.

"I said, did you understand me?" He spoke as though I were incompetent, and took another shuffling step closer, putting him on the edge of my range.

I flinched backward, curling into myself just a tiny bit as though I were scared of him. I could almost hear the triumph in his voice when he spoke and it only pissed me off further.

"Some war hero." He snorted derisively and moved closer, fear of me apparently evaporated. "Do you even speak English? The other whelp didn't."

That meant they had at least one of the others. My body went numb even as I kicked his feet out from under him with a snarl. Loki instantly got to her feet, vocalizing her displeasure in deep throated, furious barks, but she didn't make a move to attack.

"I'm blind, not stupid!" I spat viciously over Loki's barking, wondering if I had the time to give him another bruise before he got up again.

Before I could give further thought to action, pain spiked into my wrists like someone had slammed knives through them. I screamed, collapsing to the floor completely, writhing as the pain spread up my arms and settled in the joints of my elbows and shoulders. My muscles contracted horribly tight, spasming and seizing up erratically. Somewhere in the back of my mind something told me I was being shocked; rather more violently than was necessary. Electrocuted. Distantly I could hear myself shrieking and Loki barking but had a hard time registering anything beyond that. My vision went black for a moment, sending me into a terrified panic that I was going blind a second time.

When the darkness finally cleared and the pain began to fade to a dull, throbbing ache I found myself lying on the floor, panting. I felt as though my arms had been broken and I already knew there would be burns on my wrists and forearms. My muscles screamed at me as I lay there, quivering uncontrollably.

I had never felt so weak in my life.

The officer stood solidly in the doorway, framed in yellow light so that I could not see his face. I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to glimpse him. "As amusing as it that was, I do not suggest you try that again, Mr. Maxwell. Those cuffs have devices installed in them that can, as you have just seen, cause quite a bit of distress at the touch of a button. Anyone entering your cell will be given the controls, so you would be wise to remain seated and submissive for the duration of any visit. Good night."

The sound of the bolts sliding home was an assault on my raw senses.

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Two, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

* * *

/**_Fallen angels at my feet_**

**_Whispered voices at my ear_**

**_Death before my eyes_**

**_Lying next to me I fear_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three**

* * *

My wrists were still aching horribly when my second visitor arrived, not to mention that the shock was doing nothing to help with my headache. There was no announcement for this one and I barely even noticed the doors opening. I cracked my eyes open and took a quick look around before closing them again. My vision was still darkened, but had improved enough so that I could make out my surroundings a little better. Loki had been watching the incoming stranger with her ears pressed flat to her skull, though she remained curiously silent. I was rather nervous about having another person in the cell again, especially since I'd been told anyone entering would have that damn control to my wrist cuffs. I really didn't think I could handle being shocked again.

"Pilot and owner of the 0-2 gundam, "Deathscythe Hell," Duo Maxwell?" He asked quietly, almost as if he knew that my head was a pounding wreck. His soft voice echoed through the metal room and strangely drew a memory from a long time ago.

I was immediately on my guard as I squinted my eyes and then closed them, thinking I was probably better off just not looking at all. "That's me but who're you?"

He took a seat nearby, loose clothes brushing noisily on the cool metal floor. I rolled very carefully into a sitting position, wincing as the cuffs chaffed my raw forearms. Although I knew it didn't particularly matter how far away from him I was (I was pretty sure he could zap me from anywhere in the room) I felt safer giving myself as much distance as I could from this stranger.

He pressed a cool cup of water into my hands but I almost dropped it because my muscles were still not working quite properly. "My name is Father Kelly." He told me in a church whisper.

My eyes fluttered open and my breath caught as I realized how I had recognized that tone. I only just remembered to continue pretending I was completely blind. While my vision was not entirely back just yet it was progressing. Everything around me was still dark with shadows, like I was wearing thick sunglasses indoors. I was floored that my eyes were recovering as quickly as they were, even though it had been hours since I'd gotten hit. It really made me wonder if the shock I'd received had affected my vision at all.

"What's a priest doing in a place like this?" I asked in the same tone recalling the small camera I had seen in the corner.

He touched a cool, damp cloth to my wrists, causing me to flinch away from the pressure. The cloth came away bloody. There was really no where else for me to move and to avoid a repeated, painful experience I took a sip of the water. Relishing the cool feeling it brought to my throat, I closed my eyes once more, though I kept all of my attention trained on him. This could very easily be a trick to get me to relax and cooperate and there was no way I would let my guard down for that.

"I regret that we meet under such conditions, Duo. Father Maxwell spoke highly of you while you were staying with him. He expected great things of you."

"You knew him?" I croaked, throat still raw from screaming. Choking on the water as I tried to swallow it did not help at all. I was unable to regain control of my voice to continue in a timely fashion so he spoke instead.

"Aye, we were good friends despite that we lived on different colonies. I'm afraid most people did not look highly upon his habit of picking up youngsters from the streets to care for. I was one of the few who respected him for it." He seemed to gather himself together, moving past whatever memories he had been recalling. "Duo, do you realize why you are here?"

"No." I said miserably, setting the water cup on the ground before I dropped it entirely. "I have no idea."

"They believe that you have done a great many people wrong. They have tried you for war crimes and found you guilty." He said very seriously. "It is their intention to execute you and the other pilots for crimes against the people."

The words stung. "Do you believe that, Father?" I whispered, heart sinking.

"Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not have any God before me, Shinigami." He replied softly, sounding regretful.

My jaw clenched tightly at the reminder. "When God will not stop wars someone else has to do it." I said stiffly. "I did what I thought was necessary to bring peace and keep myself alive. They are getting bent about us killing people but how many more would have died if the war had continued?"

He returned to wiping gently around the edges of the cuffs and I pulled away again. He fixed me with the same stern look Father Maxwell and Sister Helen used to give me when I was being particularly ornery and I closed my eyes again. He sighed and laid a hand on my arm, as though completely unafraid of me.

"I do not think that your death is the retribution they need for those they have lost. What they are doing is no more right than anything they trying to punish." He watched me closely for a split second. "They are bitter people and they are lashing out at the easiest target. I regret that is has to be you and your friends."

"They are only doing what they think they have to." I said thickly. Despite how angry I was at them and at the priest before me for his irritating demeanor, I couldn't truly blame any of them. I was too afraid that if I had lost many loved ones I would want the same sort of revenge if I could take it.

He could hear him picking at the edge of the cloth in his hands. "I requested that they allow me audience with you to see if you wished a confession before tonight."

My breath caught and I forced myself to swallow. Tonight was really too soon to be dying… "I've done a lot of wrong in my life, Father. Too much to say in one sitting, I think. I did what I had to in order to survive and bring about peace to a world tainted with war. I killed people so that others would not have to, not because I wanted to take life." I cast my eyes to the floor and smiled bitterly. "But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, isn't it?"

"I do not blame you for the path you took. Somehow I do not think that God would blame you, either." He smiled, shaking his head wistfully. "Honestly I hope that He will intervene and save you from this fate. These are not the people who should be caring for the world of men."

I snorted, staring at the tile with an unfocused, uncentered gaze. I wanted so badly to be able to lash out but I knew that it was not Father Kelly's fault. Whatever was happening, whatever was planned… he hadn't been a part of it. He was here because he wanted to offer me a comfort he didn't know I wouldn't take.

When he spoke again it was in the same church whisper with which he had begun talking. "The cameras? They do not have sound. Listen closely. Your four friends are here, on this L1 colony with you. The leader of these people is Treize Kushrenada's daughter, Mariemaia. She is a pawn to Dekim Barton. If you can manage an escape like any of the times in the past, he is who you need to stop."

It wasn't much information, but it was more than I had before and every little bit helps. I knew who Dekim was, through listening to Trowa. He was not particularly the best sort of person to be imprisoned under but he was far from the worst. At least I knew that he had made mistakes in the past and was liable to do so again now. All I had to do was pay attention and take any opportunity that arose.

"Thank you." I murmured gratefully, finally putting some measure of trust in this guy. If he was willing to at least try and help that was enough for me. I just hoped that what he told me was right.

He shook his head as he began to clamber to his feet. My focus never wavered from the floor, even as he resumed a tone that the guards could hear. "If you have no confession then I am afraid I must take my leave." He paused after only a step, falling still. "God's speed to you, Duo."

The doors locked heavily after he had left and I was alone once more. Loki hadn't made a sound until now, whining and giving a small yip as she stood, staring after him.

I sank down to lay on my side, resting my wrists on the ground beside me. Even after he was dead Treize was managing to cause us trouble. Lovely. I tried to think when he had ever mentioned a daughter, or when anyone had ever allowed that man to procreate. Never. Was it true, then, or was this girl and the people controlling her only using his name as a front, something to stir up fear and resentment in the people? Somehow I doubted they would lie about it. There were too many people still loyal to him. If they slandered his name in any way I had no doubt that there would be people there, rising up to fight against them.

I heard voices outside the door again but I didn't move. Just barely I made out a few words, some sort of command for the guards to remain at their posts no matter what they heard. I tamped down the fear that rose in me, waiting to hear the bolts slide free but nothing happened. It was a few more moments before I could hear footsteps receding down the hallway.

No one entered.

Confused, I looked toward the door, wondering what that had been about.

Just then the vid-screen clicked on across the room, drawing my attention. I vaguely remembered the officer who had visited saying something about a broadcast that was going to be made. Why would they care if I saw it or not?

I tried to focus on what was being shown. There was an old style wooden platform standing in the middle of what appeared to be a colony park. I looked to the top of the screen, trying to see if the colony number was printed anywhere toward the ceiling. Of course it didn't go high enough for me to see, but I assumed that it was taking place on the same colony as the one I was imprisoned. The screen flickered and a young girl, somewhere around maybe twelve, appeared on the screen. She was dressed in a red cloak with a little beret sitting lop-sided on her head. She looked ever bit as regal as Treize had been, except that her eyes were a dull, blank shade of blue. All the passion Treize had exuded was absent in this girl. She was a puppet and from what I could guess the old man standing behind her was the one pulling the strings.

She cleared her throat and looked directly into the camera when she spoke. "I speak now to all of mankind- to both the Earth Sphere and the Colonies." They must have been using the frequency that the peace conference was supposed to be broadcast on- that was the only way they could know for sure everyone would be paying attention at the same time. "My name is Mariemaia Kushrenada. I believe that everyone listening knew or knew of my father, Treize Kushrenada." She paused, most likely to let the information sink in. "I come before you tonight to announce my intentions to take Relena Peacecraft-Darlian's place as world leader. In an unfortunate but necessary series of events Miss Peacecraft's life has been taken by my organization."

I winced, having forgotten that detail in the wave of events following Quatre's phone call. It was still a little surreal to hear someone say, so I tried to ignore it and listen to the rest of the speech.

"I realize that this action may not endear me to many people. However, I do not intend to back down. Anyone who believes they should or can oppose us would do well to pay close attention to the rest of this broadcast. I lay before you tonight the five heroes of the last war."

I sat, awestruck, as five separate images flashed across the screen. Each paused long enough for a shot of a prone figure laying on the ground. In clean, type-writer style lettering along the bottom it listed each of the five pilots as they appeared and the names were voiced aloud by Mariemaia. All of us looked the worse for wear, disheveled and dressed in the loose, light blue uniforms they had us wearing. I could see blood seeping through the bandage wrapped around Quatre's head and over his right eye but the others looked as if, aside from being unconscious and bound to the floor, they would be able to recover.

At least I knew they were still alive.

"You may regard these five boys as heroes. Indeed the five of them practically brought about the end of the space wars and with political aid united all the nations involved. I will admit that they have done great things in that respect but that does not absolve them of the crimes they have committed along the way; murder, theft, arson, embezzlement, and treason among so many others. It is for those reasons and to display the power my organization holds as well as disband any protest or rebellion that would lead to further death I hereby announce my intention to carry through the threat we made almost a year ago today. We are holding the five gundam pilots captive for execution."

The picture changed from the speaking platform Mariemaia was presenting from back to the wooden structure that was shown at the beginning of the broadcast. I let out a strangled noise as I tried to get to my feet and move closer to the screen, heedless of whatever cameras were trained on me.

Heero stood alone on the platform, barely holding himself up on two feet.

His hands were still bound with the same magnetic cuffs as mine but he was not anchored to anything. Instead he was standing beside a stout post that seemed to be his only means of support. I could see the blood on his hands and guessed that he had probably gotten the same shock treatment as I had. Worse, if I knew him and his habit of making escape attempts.

"Get outta there, stupid…" I whispered to the screen, confused. Why wasn't he making a run for it? There were only a couple of people that I could see and none of them looked like they could take Heero down if he wanted to escape.

"As you can see, the first of the executions is Heero Yuy. Research and observation tells us that this boy was the ringleader of the gundam pilots." Mariemaia spoke smoothly, as if she were talking about something as simple as the weather rather than someone's _life_. I barely heard her say "do it" very quietly, as if she had not meant to be heard. It was obviously a live broadcast.

My eyes remained riveted on the screen, cameras in the room forgotten. Heero opened his eyes, looking blearily at his surroundings as he continued to stand there. He took half step and stumbled, reaching out to grasp onto the post he had been near. It was almost as if he _couldn't_ run.

There were people climbing the stairs to the platform, guns in hand.

They were really going to go through with this, right on live television.

They were going to kill him right in front of me.

I was yanked roughly back to the ground and my feet scrabbled on the smooth floor as I began to panick. "No!" I shouted, pulling furiously at my bindings. Why wasn't he making a break for it? Why was he up there alone?! "Heero, run!" I shouted, ignoring the blood running down my forearms and dripping off my hands as the restraints bit into my raw flesh. I knew he couldn't he hear me but it didn't make any sense that he was standing still. Loki whimpered from a few yards away but I didn't pay much attention.

What were they doing?! Father Kelly had made it sound like they were going to take us all to the same place at the same time to execute us! He couldn't die alone! Not like that, not without me! I yanked futilely against my cuffs, praying that the soft material I had felt earlier would give and allow me my freedom. I would never make it in time but I had to do something!

"Somebody stop them!" I shouted, throwing myself away from where the chain linked to the floor. "They can't do this!"

These people were fucking sick. How could they do something like this, with everyone watching? Didn't they understand that this was someone's _life_ they were dealing with? Didn't they know what this was going to do to people on Earth? Even if they were going to kill us what brand of cruelty made them show it to me? Were the others watching this as well?

I saw the firing squad lining up on the opposite side of the platform and panicked. With great effort Heero raised his head again to look at them and it finally struck me why he wasn't running.

He was drugged.

He didn't _have_ to be chained to anything because if he tried to run he would only collapse. He would stumble just like he had a moment ago.

"_Bastards!_" I screamed, dropping to my knees as I realized I was not going to be leaving the cell of my own accord any time soon. "Fucking _cowards_. You can't even fucking leave him the dignity of being _aware_!" I could feel tears running down my cheeks but I didn't care.

Mariemaia was speaking again, had been speaking for several minutes as the firing squad prepared their guns. I had caught hardly any of it but I knew it was a list of reasons why they were gutlessly slaughtering him. I gave another hard wrench of my arms, trying to free myself but to no avail. Loki was growling, though I'm not sure she understood why. She had a habit of catching my emotions and reacting to them.

"No, no, no, no…" I groaned, throat raw. "Not like that, not…" I could barely speak past the tightness in my chest, the bitter, clenching pain I felt through my entire body. "Let me go!" I screamed at the guards, trying to get to my feet. "Let me go! Stop them! Please GOD stop them!"

Excruciating pain spiked into my forearms from the cuffs and I dropped to the floor, shrieking as Loki began to bark furiously. It burned worse the second time as the electricity touched the open wounds on my skin. Thankfully it lasted for only the blink of an eye before I was laid out on the ground again, drawing in gasping breaths and trying to regain control of my muscles. I was dimly aware of the guards telling me to shut the hell up or they'd do it again.

Mariemaia's voice filtered faintly through, just barely audible over Loki. "Your heroes will fall before you." She said sternly. "Any sort of resistance is futile. Should we encounter uprising from either the Earth Sphere or the Colonies it will be met without mercy."

The sound of gunshots pierced the fog of pain and I rolled onto my side in time to see Heero's body collapse limply to the ground. Loki went deathly silent. Reality slowed to a stop and hollowed out around me. I could see blood soaking the wood beneath him, seeping out around him as the shooters moved to haul his body off the platform. I stared, eyes wide, jaw hanging open as my voice stopped working. Shock froze me to the spot, disbelieving.

He wasn't getting up again.

"The next execution will take place tomorrow at seven AM. Thank you for your attention."

They were taking him away.

The screen went dark.

I couldn't move.

They'd shot him.

I couldn't do anything but stare mutely at the screen, the image of his prone, bloodied form burned into my eyes.

They'd really shot him.

I felt numb.

"Heero…" I croaked weakly, swallowing hard against the lump forming in my throat. I could hardly breathe at all, lungs seizing up painfully.

They… they killed him.

Alone.

They had bound him and shot him like he was some sort of animal.

This couldn't be happening, I told myself frantically as my mind began to recover from the shock. We don't die. Even if you shoot us or burn us or blow us up we don't die! Not… not for real. We couldn't be killed, not like this, not now. Not after everything we'd been through.

Not without saying goodbye…

The image of Heero collapsing on the ground, his own blood pooling around him wouldn't leave me alone.

I rubbed at my eyelids, trying to forget, trying to tell myself that this wasn't real and that if I just… if I… I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, choking on a sob as my body began to tremble. Tears ran freely down my cheeks as I curled into a ball, hands clenching into fists so tightly it hurt. I felt my chest constrict painfully as I tried to contain my stop crying but to no avail.

They had really killed him…

I curled tighter into myself, trying to shake away the images assaulting me.

There was only one small comfort in all of it.

I was next.

She'd said she planned to have us all killed and that meant one of two things.

Either I would see him again on the other side or I'd be dead and unable to feel this hurt any longer.

I don't think it mattered which by that time.

After all… I'd pretty much decided I wouldn't escape. Even if I had the chance I was not sure I would take it.

Escape didn't mean much if there was no one to go home to.

Without Heero, without the others… Life didn't hold much.

So what if they killed us one by one- we'd meet again after, wouldn't we?

I didn't want it to end like that, though. I didn't want to have to watch anyone else die. I didn't want to be drugged and shot like I was nothing more than an animal. That wasn't how I was supposed to die. If I had to die I wanted to go down fighting tooth and nail but they weren't going to give me that option.

I was quickly losing hope that Dekim would slip up this time. Everything seemed too well thought out, too well planned. There was no way for me to get out of my cell of my own accord and even when I knew they would let me out it looked like they would be heavily drugging me first, to thwart any ill-conceived escape attempts. I couldn't even get Loki out of the harness she had been put in. I wondered if the others were having any more luck but somehow I didn't think so.

In the span of a few hours the all the effort we had put into staying alive through the war would mean nothing as they slaughtered us. At least on the battlefield if we were going to die we'd died together. We had a reason to sacrifice ourselves, people to protect. We were ready to die for something we believed in, had a cause worth fighting for… But this? This was just a power display, a pissing contest, a gutless slaughter.

It wasn't just Heero and I, either. The others were here to and we were all facing the same degrading fate. Wu Fei, Trowa… even Quatre. All of them were going to be killed just the same, without the possibility of escape.

I was going to lose them all, without knowing if I would be able to see them on the other side of life.

We didn't have an out this time.

Heero had never stood a chance.

I knew I was never going to get to see him alive again. I would never get to see him smile or hear him call me a moron just before he kissed me sweetly. I would never get to touch him again; never get to hold him while we slept, safe and warm, knowing that the world had been brought to peace and we could finally have our happily ever after.

In a single instant all of that had been taken away from me. From us.

I curled tighter into myself, trying not to think of everything that would never be, but I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew it I had lost it entirely, laying limply on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably. When I finally I uncurled, wrung dry of emotion, I'd gone entirely numb. I had no more tears to cry, no more pain to feel.

I was left with pure, unadulterated hatred.

They would pay, somehow.

I would find a way to return the anguish they caused tenfold.

Even if I had to take it up with God, Himself, after death.

Maybe then I could have my peaceful forever with Heero.

Exhaustion had taken over by the time I was able to calm myself, though, and I could hardly do more than remain chained to the ground, staring with blank eyes at the darkened vid-screen. I had to remind myself to keep breathing, keep alive and aware for as long as I could. They would have to work for it if they thought they were going to drug me and take my life like they had taken Heero's.

In the end, I didn't care what happened next, so long as it happened swiftly.

So that's how I ended up here, laying on the floor of this fucking cell, waiting for my turn. My hatred had boiled down to vengeful spite but even that was quickly fading as I thought about the prospect of meeting Heero in the afterlife. I guess I had decided that no matter what happened I would be all right with the outcome. If I live that's fine but if I die, that will be okay too, because I can see him again.

That sort of thinking is rather reckless of me, but I can't help it. I just don't know what else to do. I've never been very good at waiting for the unknown. Loki's curled up a few feet away, sleeping. At least one of us can.

Though power was cut from the television no one has come to take it yet. It seems like a long time since anyone checked on us, even though I know it can't have been more than an hour or two. The guards outside the door don't even look into the room anymore. Maybe they've forgotten we're in here.

It's been so long that I can't bring myself to care.

Staying or leaving the room… it doesn't make a difference anymore.

I know I'm going to die, one way or another.

The only challenge left is to see how many of them I can take with me when I go.

There is a commotion outside my door, now.

Someone is coming.

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Three, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

* * *

/**_Back off, I'll take you on_**

**_Headstrong, I'd take on anyone_**

**_I know that you are wrong_**

**_And this is not where you belong_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

* * *

Someone was definitely coming.

It was about time. Nine hours was an awfully long time to sit around doing nothing but contemplating death. Not just any death; no, your own and the deaths of your closest friends. Whatever anger I had managed to work up after watching that god-awful broadcast had long since taken the back burner in my mind. I had to concentrate on escape and if an opportunity for revenge arose I would take it but not if it threatened my life. With some measure of sight returned to me I would be able to obliterate them properly.

To do that, however, I had to remain alive.

No problem- the God of Death does not die.

Well, not easily…

I could hear them talking quietly but heatedly outside the cell door now. It almost sounded like whoever had arrived was not going to be allowed entrance. This person was my ticket to escape; if I could avoid letting them drug me I'd be fine. All I had to do was get away from them and past the guards and I was so sure I could escape undetected.

Plotting out a viable course of action and mustering the strength it would take to actually put up a good resistance were entirely different stories… My wrists had finally stopped bleeding but they burned and itched beneath the cuffs, I was still having trouble with muscle control, and my throat was raw from screaming. If they wanted in it wasn't like I had much of a choice; I couldn't do anything until they entered, anyhow. There was no way to unlock the door from the inside. It pissed me off but I didn't have a way to improve it so I sat tight, waiting for my chance.

The shuffling noise outside the door was making Loki nervous. Hell, everything about this place was making Loki nervous. She had never been to space before and I'm sure nothing smelled remotely the same.

"C'mere girl." I whispered quietly, holding out my hand to her. I could barely see her with how dark it was in the cell. I wondered what had happened to the lights in the hall. They hadn't been much but certainly more than this… Was I going blind again? "Loki." I said more sharply when she didn't listen to me.

She watched me for a wary second before rising and slinking over to me, tail pressed firmly between her legs. Nuzzling my hand and giving it a gentle lick, she sat by my side and allowed me to bury my hands in the thick ruff of fur about her neck. It should have been comforting and calming as I steeled myself for a fight, should have been something I've done a million times since she was brought into my life, but it only made me feel ill. I could still feel the blood matting her fur, could see the way it clung, especially around her muzzle.

I closed my eyes against the image that surfaced of Heero, prone on the ground in a puddle of his own blood.

"It's gonna be okay." I assured her shakily, taking a deep breath. "We'll get out of here one way or another, won't we girl?" We'd either escape alive or die trying and I considered both a way to go. "We'll give them a run for their money if they think they can take us down easy."

It had grown quiet outside the door. With a whimper she buried her cold nose in my hand, requesting that I keep it on her.

"Duo?" A thick voice asked from the small door window. "Duo Maxwell?"

I growled, rolling onto my side to see who was calling. The visitor's face in the window was cast in shadows, making it impossible to tell anything about him. Somehow though, I felt as though I had heard him before, somewhere. He wasn't entering the cell yet so I had no way to tell if I could take him in a one-on-one. Past experience with those damnable cuffs told me it didn't matter how he was built I wouldn't win. I was willing to take my chances, though. I had to- it was that or submit quietly. He didn't seem like he was rude, or even that he wanted to be there. That set me back a pace, taking the nasty edge off of my voice when I spoke.

"My turn?" I asked as I let my head fall back softly to the floor. The pounding headache had returned, probably from all the crying I had done. "I suppose telling you to give me the keys and leave won't work." I remarked sarcastically.

"No. No it won't." He replied distractedly.

"What about giving me the keys and waiting for me to kick your ass?" I offered in a mockingly hopeful tone. "Does that work for you?"

Quiet laughter answered me. "Afraid not. Just a moment."

There was a moment's pause and he cursed quite colorfully. I had no idea what they could possibly be doing, what was taking them so long… I mean I could hear shuffling outside the door, like people moving around, and it made me wonder just how many people they thought it was going to take to bring me to that platform. Regardless of how sociable this man was, they'd better have brought a whole lot of soldiers if they wanted to take me without incurring injuries.

I was not happy and they were going to know it.

It was bad enough knowing the people I cared for would die without having to know that I would probably join them in short order. It only hurt more when I thought about what they would do to Loki. She hadn't done anything wrong but Heero and I were the only two she would obey. They'd have to put her down if they couldn't make her behave. Maybe it wasn't this particular person responsible for all of that but he certainly was the closest to lash out at.

Outside the door there was a hissing noise, like a very tiny airlock discharging. Or like automatic syringes loading… "I'm coming in now."

"Join the party!" I exclaimed. "You know if you come in here that only one of us is leaving alive and I'm sure as hell not going to let it be you." Loki growled, giving a vicious bark and I grinned as I felt that familiar edge of mania creeping into my system. "The only way you'll leave this room is if I'm dead. I won't let you drug me."

"That's what Heero said." He told me with a hint of laughter in his voice and I felt my anger return full force. "But that's not what I'm here for. My name's Alaric." He sounded like he expected me to know the name. "Alaric Lamont?"

"Who?" I asked impatiently, irritated at having to wait for something as simple as opening a door and wondering why the name sounded familiar.

"We met like a year ago. I guess I didn't really expect you to remember." There was a beeping noise followed by the thick clunking of the doors grinding open. "You were a little caught up in the end of the war-"

"Rick!" I choked on my flaring anger, sitting up far faster than I should have when I recognized his voice. I braced the tips of my fingers against my temples as best I could to ward off the spiking pain, wishing I could move my hands farther apart. "What the hell are _you_ doing here?" I growled furiously.

He had disappeared off the face of the planet after leaving me in my driveway with Heero. I had asked Kip about him but he claimed ignorance and I believed him. He was honestly confused about what I was talking about. I got the distinct feeling that Rick had just totally lied to me about knowing Kip and it had worked. Completely.

Not knowing what else to do, I'd had Heero look him up on the computer. There was only one "Rick Monty" in the area and it wasn't him. If his full name was actually "Alaric Lamont" not being able to find him made a lot more sense.

One of the first things I had assumed was that all the information I had given Rick had ended up in the wrong hands. On purpose. It was no coincidence that the same night I handed over all that information the Marauders had made an announcement and an attack on us. He had called over an hour after the broadcast was made so he _had_ to have known, but he didn't breathe a word about it. The only thing to think was that he had been working with them.

If that was really the case, and it now seemed like it was, then I was the one to blame for all of this.

Heero's death was my fault.

When the others died, that would be my fault, too.

All because I had chosen to trust an outsider due to a stupid, petty argument.

To top it off I'd shown him where I lived.

I was feeling pretty shitty right about then.

"Taking you out of here." He said simply as the doors finished opening. I glimpsed the control pad in his hands before I looked downward, glaring furiously.

"I'd like to see you try." I snarled, pissed. "You were only able to drug Heero because he didn't know what to expect. You're a bunch of fucking cowards. You couldn't face us in a real fight so you had to go skulking around and-"

"Duo, please!" He interrupted, halting in his steps. "You're probably not going to believe me but I am _not_ here to hurt you."

"Is that supposed to be a subtle way to get me to let you near me without causing a fuss?" I spat with disgust. "You're pretty lame."

"You're pretty ornery." He shot back, sounding slightly put out.

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes with an exasperated sigh. "I think I have a right." I said dryly. "What are you waiting for? Are we going to do this or not?"

"Well I'm certainly not going to get any closer if you're just going to attack me!" He exclaimed, as if I'd just suggested jumping into a pit of snakes. "We don't have much time so either you're going to trust me and we get out of here or you don't and they figure out what's happened and we're both in deep shit."

"I can't trust you. There's way too much against you right now. Like the fact that a horde of soldiers have kidnapped me and my best friends and intend to kill us here today. The whole killing thing makes it a little hard for me to trust you not to hurt me, don't you think?" I asked with my usual cynical sarcasm.

"I know, and that is to be expected. If I can prove to you that I'm here to help, will you trust me at least a little bit?"

"Set me free and I'll consider it." I said after a moment of hesitation. After all, Loki wasn't making a fuss about him and she was usually right about people. She had never barked without good reason.

"I can't without getting near you. The control has to be touching the cuffs."

"So give me the control." I returned snappishly, getting irritated.

He bent to one knee and I listened to the control pad in his hands slide across the floor until it was stopped by my leg. Forgetting that I was supposed to be blind I stared dumbfounded at it. He'd actually done it. What was he trying to prove? Did he really think handing me the shock controls was safe? Even if he was on my side what's to say I would trust him once I was free? That I wouldn't just kill him and get out on my own?

"I know you can't see what that is, but it _is_ the controls to your wrist cuffs. There are three buttons and two dials, can you feel them?" He asked quietly.

I reached down and gingerly picked it up, wary of touching any of the buttons as I remembered the pain. "Yeah, I feel them." I said after a moment of tentatively touching them but not pressing them.

"The dial to your right loosens the cuffs. The button directly above that dial unlocks them so that they can be loosened. The remote has to be touching the cuffs."

"How do I know you aren't lying to me? That when I press the button it won't shock me like before?" I knew he wasn't lying because I could make out the faint outlines of pictures next to the buttons and dials, but he didn't know that.

"I guess you don't. Tap it as fast as you can and see what happens. If it's the shock button you'll only be shocked for a split second, not enough for me to do anything. If it's not you'll hear them click unlocked. Then we can get on with this quickly."

"Release Loki first." I said suddenly. Setting her free would be a very, very bad idea if he wasn't on my side.

He gave an apprehensive look to the large black dog sitting a few feet away from me, staring intently at him. With a muttered "just a dog" he stepped over, speaking gently to her. "She won't attack me if I'm trying to let her go, will she?"

"Loki, steht noch." I ordered. "She'll stay. If I think you're doing anything other than letting her go, though, I'll make sure she bites."

Looking decidedly more nervous he stepped to her side and let her sniff his hand. He reached gently behind her and followed the lead line up to where it hooked to a chain. There was a faint click and she was free to move. She must have realized it as soon as I did because she dashed forward, slipping through his hands to come to me. It was as close as she had been able to get since we arrived.

"Will you let me release you too, now?" He asked wearily, seeming relieved that he survived. "So we can get out of here?"

I nodded as he stepped over, taking the control from me as I handed it over. "Why are you doing this? I thought you-"

"I did." He said quickly, pressing the button. I heard the click of the cuffs releasing and the whir as the magnets turned on themselves. The cuffs fell noisily to the ground, clanking hollowly. "I told them. All about you and the others."

"What?!" I squawked, disbelievingly, growing angry again as I tried to soothe my raw wrists. They hurt so badly and I could feel as the forming scabs broke under my touch. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Loki to attack him except that he just kept talking over me.

"You have to believe I'm sorry I did it!" He said desperately, almost pleading. "I'd been working with them for a long time and I just didn't know. Before I met you I thought it would be _so_ easy get information and hand it over to them without caring but I was wrong. I cared more than I should have."

"Obviously not enough," I accused, eyes narrowing, "because you did it anyway!"

"I had to! I didn't know what else to do! I knew your face, everyone knew your face, but when you were talking to me I realized just how young you really were. I hadn't been thinking about you as a human being, as a kid who'd gotten tossed into the war the same as the rest of us! When I learned that, when I saw you in person… I got confused and panicked."

"And told them." I concluded coldly, working on the leather cuffs around my ankles without much luck.

He knelt beside me and pulled out a knife. "Yes, I told them." He said bitterly as he began to saw into the leather. "I've regretted that every day since. You must understand that if I had not told them someone else would have. They would have found out one way or another. By keeping their trust in me, though, I was able to do exactly what I am doing _right now_."

I flinched at the tone, realizing that he was right. They would have found out eventually. If he had given himself away a year ago by keeping my confidence there wouldn't have been this chance. He wouldn't have been able to get in and help me.

Shaking off the last of my restraints I allowed him to help me to my feet. I was having a little trouble standing and my muscles quivered with the strain of being asked to work. Being electrocuted was certainly taking its toll on my body but I was not going to let it take me down completely. I had a chance and I was going to take it and blow this place as soon as I was able.

"What about the guards?" I hissed, looking quickly to the entrance of the cell.

"Juri?" He called. A small, red-headed boy popped his head around the corner and smiled, giving us a nervous wave. He was toting an assault rifle… "We're still good. We drugged them before we entered."

"We? How many people…?" I trailed off as I began walking toward the door, Loki faithfully by my side. It was hard to tell if she knew I could see again or not.

"Maybe a dozen or two. The six people I was originally working with and a few others we've managed to convince." He halted my forward motion with a hand on my arm. "We've split everyone up for this and I know that's dangerous. I'm the only one with a second because we'd expected you to need more help getting around. Anyone not helping your friends is busy planting bombs- we can't count on help. In fact, they're on a time schedule so if we haven't got our asses out of here on time they're going to be very detrimental."

"They'd blow it even if we're still here?" I asked worriedly. If something happened and we got laid up… we would be sitting on a ticking time bomb.

"That's the plan." Rick said, very seriously. "It's not going to be easy to get out of here, Duo. I can't guarantee that we'll make it alive. The others are going to be trying to release your friends but I _can't_ count on that happening, either. We're to concentrate on getting ourselves out first. Do you understand?"

I nodded reluctantly. If all of us remained trapped here there wouldn't be a chance for another rescue. As much as I hated to leave anyone behind I would if there were no other way. "I can handle that." I affirmed, moving forward.

His determined look softened when I spoke. "Whatever happens," He assured me, "we're going to try our best to get everyone free again. What these people are doing is _wrong_ and you boys are the only ones I think stand a chance at stopping them."

"I can't pilot." I responded automatically, out of habit. "Why would you bother freeing me?"

"Why are you so desperate to be left here?" He asked lightly, joking. "Maybe you can't but there's got to be something you _can_ do. If nothing else, moral support for the others. If you're out they have some hope."

I groaned. Well, that was it. I didn't want to place my trust in the wrong person twice but I was really getting the feeling that Rick was for real on wanting to help me. He wanted to get me out almost as badly as I wanted to escape. If we were going to make it anywhere fast I had to lay our options on the table.

"I can see." I told him as I started forward again. "I've been able to since sometime yesterday."

"I- You what?" He asked, following me out of the room. "You can? Well that makes things a million times easier… How?"

"I don't know." I said distractedly as I passed through the door. The lights in the hallway were dark, as though they'd been turned off. However, I could see the emergency lights along the bottom edges of the corridor so I knew something had happened. Maybe the others had found a way to cut the power. That would be just ideal. "Do we have any weapons?"

Juri ducked in front of us and headed off down the hall, supposedly to check for interference. I listened to his boots clunk against the thick metal floors. Pressing a handgun into my grasp Rick started down the hall after the kid.

"You've got one clip." He informed me very matter-of-factly over his shoulder. "If you want something else you're going to have to take it off of someone."

"No problem." I replied with a grin, checking the clip myself as I trailed after him, feeling slightly off balance. Loki pressed against my leg as we walked, almost as if she was aware of my unsteady state. I smiled, brushing the tips of my fingers into her fur. This was working out much better than I had expected and I could feel my adrenaline coming back now.

Pulling to a stop at the corner, Juri waved and motioned for us to continue. We took off at a fairly good lope, which was almost too fast for me to stay balanced. I was actually surprised at how quietly we were moving. The halls were practically deserted but I felt like they were that way on purpose. There were no people coming or going to judge direction. If I'd been trying to navigate this place on my own I wouldn't have a clue which way to go.

We pulled up short at a maintenance ladder and Juri scrabbled up it ahead of us and whistled when he got to the top. Rick motioned for me to precede him into the vertical shaft, but I stopped short. What were we going to do about Loki? There was no way she would be able to climb that ladder and I wasn't leaving her behind now…

With rolled eyes Rick pushed me into the small chamber and nudged Loki in after me with his knee. He winked. "Make sure she doesn't get too close to the rungs."

He pushed a button inside the shaft with a balled fist and with a mechanical grumble a circle of floor began moving upwards along a track on the wall. Loki stumbled but I caught her, holding onto the harness to keep her from going near the ladder and hurting herself. Of course- I'd completely forgotten about the lifts. Maintenance crews often needed to move things up and down between the floors with them as they went. All of the shafts had this sort of lift option for just such needs.

I could hear voices as I neared the top and wondered if we were meeting with anyone else from this little group. Unfortunately I didn't think that was the case. The lift began to slow, preparing to stop as I could see over the top of the tunnel. We were just below top-side- I could see the wide open space of the colony above me through the slats along the edges of the corridor, letting in some amount of light. Loki stiffened and began growling as the lift shuddered to a stop and we were left standing there.

Reaching over I pressed the return button, sending the lift back down to Rick. I threw a glance up and down the corridor and saw only Juri, crouched at one end listening for people. I realized that the voices I'd heard were coming from above me, on the surface. Relaxing, I loosened my grip on Loki's harness and followed it to the end of the short, improvised leash.

"Lass es…" I needed her to be quiet if we were going to keep from being noticed. If I could hear them they could hear us and dogs were not exactly common below ground. Thankfully she stopped making noise, thought the fur of her back remained bristled.

Rick quickly climbed the ladder, far faster than the lift had taken Loki and I. He glanced around the same way I had done and appeared to deem it safe. We headed down the tunnel toward Juri, who took off again almost immediately. This was rather well planned and I wondered how long they had been plotting to release me.

We reached topside with only one interference. It didn't seem as though they were particularly worried about where I would go while underground. However, the activity above us had been increasing steadily as we moved, probably in preparation for the second execution. Hopefully there wouldn't be one. Rick pulled us up short of the last maintenance shaft, grabbing my sleeve.

"When we get up there we won't have long to make it to the shuttle bay. All entrances and exits to the lower levels are being guarded so we're going to have to get through them first and I can almost guarantee that they will notice that faster than we would like. Are you sure you can handle this?"

"Can you get us out of here if the way is clear?" I asked, looking him in the eyes very seriously.

He smiled. "I know the way."

"Then let's clear a path." I returned, allowing myself a grin as I raised the pistol he'd given me.

Nodding he moved forward, ghosting up the shaft without a sound. Juri quickly followed him and even as they climbed I started the lift, Loki standing tensely beside me. The lift was quieter than I had expected but less so than I had hoped. The mechanical whir would not be missed if there was anyone nearby.

I could hear the sounds of a scuffle as I jumped out of the shaft before the lift had even stopped moving. Loki followed me, long nails tapping rapidly against the metal floors. We rounded the corner just as Juri and Rick were coming back. Juri sported a spectacular gash along his jaw-line that looked quite painful but they looked otherwise unhurt.

"That's done it, then." Rick hissed, panting and coming to a stop when he saw me. He fell back a little bit to trot by my side. "One of them ran for it. We've got only minutes before they arrive here and figure out what's really happened. Sorry mate, but it looks like we're going to have to try to run."

Still unsure about whether my muscles would take that kind of strain, I nodded. Running and possibly getting caught was better than walking and almost certainly being caught. I pulled out of the easy jog and began to run. Loki picked up the pace happily, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth as she bolted along next to me. The floor slanted upwards and within a minute we had reached topside.

Rick waved us toward the buildings we emerged near. They would be good cover, even if they were not the quickest way to the outside edge. These people had to have some way to get on and off the colony and I assumed that Rick and his group had some sort of plan for commandeering transportation. If not I was good enough at improvising.

I could hear the sounds of alarm in the distance. It could not have been more than a block away from us. The guard had probably informed someone of the attack made on his station and partner, which would complicate things. They would immediately suspect that one of the pilots was loose.

We ran along the edges for several minutes, ducking in and out of the shadows, trying to keep from being seen. Even with the lights dimmed as they were, there were people swarming all over, making it hard to go unnoticed. I had no doubts that my escape had been discovered by now. I only hoped that they others got as much of a head start as I had gotten. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to see them again until after reaching Earth but a small part of me hoped that they would show up here and now. It would be so much more comforting to not have to escape alone.

There was shouting from ahead of us and Juri dropped hard to the ground as gunshots pelted dangerously close, coming from the alley we had just passed. There were people calling orders as Rick tugged Juri to his feet and we took off running. Soldiers barreled around the corner, gunfire crackling the air around us.

The first bullet slammed into my shoulder, knocking me forward with the impact. I stumbled half a step, hand flying to my shoulder as the pain hit for an instant. My body reacted and the pain dulled as instinct took over and adrenaline coursed through my veins.

We'd been spotted.

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Four, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

* * *

/**_Even_****_ though I know_**

**_I don't want to know_**

**_Yeah I guess I know_**

**_I just hate how it sounds…_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five**

* * *

Gunfire became a buzz in my ears as bullets rained down upon us. I ducked to my right, dipping into the alleyway there as I dragged Loki behind me. She was straining against the leash, putting up a furious battle to reach the people trying to hurt me. My shoulder throbbed and I could feel blood soaking the back of my shirt. The pain was bearable for the moment, however. Thank god for my body's natural pain killers.

I peeked out for half a second and saw people charging for our hiding place. Juri was nursing a bullet-wound to his hip, just above the bone. I grimaced as I watched him trying to pry the bullet out with his fingers, his teeth clenching tightly against the pain. Son-of-a-bitch that must have hurt- I'd only done that once in my life and I knew there was only one reason you'd ever do something like that: the bullet was severely hampering his movement, something none of us could afford at the moment. Rick was trying to re-load his gun from the clips he had taken off of the guard but he wasn't having much luck. I heard him drop it twice before finally getting it. I don't think either of them had been in a real life-or-death gunfight before and in a first time experience like this it would be a miracle if they made it out alive.

It would be a miracle if any of us did.

There was no way I could keep hold of Loki's leash and return fire at the same time. Even without trying to keep her in check I knew how useless it was to try and actually hit one of our assailants. We could sit in this alley and fire rounds at them till the cows came home and we would stand about a snowball's chance in hell of actually hitting them in any fatal way. I'd say right about then we were pretty screwed and we all knew it.

I loosened my hand on Loki's leash, letting it drop to the floor. "Loki, STEH." I commanded, hoping she would stay where she was. Thankfully she appeared to be in a listening mood for although she didn't calm down at all she remained where she stood, barking furiously.

Leaning out from where I was hidden behind two barrels, I fired three shots, none of which actually hit. It was, however, cause for concern on their parts. The gunfire died to a few slow cracks as they took their own cover. Rick had begun to return fire as well, which couldn't have made them feel any more confident about charging down upon us. The area went silent for a minute and I chanced a look out at the street.

Bullets smashed into the walls and floor around me, one of them making a ricochet off a surface and grazing the skin of my arm. Fire raced across my nerves as I yelped, falling backwards into the alley. Loki lost it and I could not grab her leash in time to stop her from darting into the street. I shouted after her but it was no use- there were people threatening her master and she was going to do something about it.

Sending up a quick prayer to any god that would listen to me, I dashed after her, firing madly at any scrap of human body I saw. My vision had not recovered entirely so it was hard to say if I was even aiming in the right places but as I saw two people dip back into alleys I thought that I wasn't doing half bad. I heard screaming and rabid growling from one of the alleys and I ducked into it.

Loki had pinned one of the men beneath her and was savaging his arms right through the shirt's material. The other man was sprawled on the floor, pressed up against the wall in fear. Luckily for me (and even luckier for Loki) they had both either dropped or lost their weapons at the unexpected threat of the dog. I stooped and picked up the larger gun and shot the free man, point blank. The shot startled Loki into letting up and I put the second man out of his misery without a second thought. Any sort of emotion, any sort of pain or remorse I might have felt at one time about killing these people was gone.

All that remained was the image of Heero, dead on the ground.

These people had done that.

They'd killed him.

Now, they would pay.

Shinigami would see to that much, at least.

Grabbing Loki's leash I hauled her through the puddles of blood that were starting to form and back into the street. We were met with gunfire and I released her again in favor of shooting back. Vaguely I was aware of being hit again, one of the shots almost knocking me on my ass as it impacted the edge of my shoulder. Noise had hollowed out, though, and sensation felt like a distant memory. I felt a little dizzy as that familiar feeling of immortality struck me- or maybe that was just blood loss. The two sensations are hard to tell apart sometimes.

Loki was a black streak against the pavement and none of them seemed to think they would even bother taking shots at her until she hit them like a bullet train. As long as she was providing the distraction the humans were easy enough to pick off. With my newly acquired gun I had even less of a problem. They scrambled to reassemble, scooping up lost weapons almost too late. I could hear shouting behind me but I didn't turn to face it. Rick and Juri must have run into complications of their own- we were being flanked.

There were just too many of them and too few of us.

I saw more than felt the fourth bullet as it buried itself in my side. Time felt like someone had set everything to slow motion as I looked down to watch the crimson blossom across the pale blue of the uniform I'd been wearing. Loki yelped from somewhere ahead of me and I looked back, the world spinning in a dizzily surreal way as another bullet hit me.

I choked on my breath as I dropped to my knees, trying to keep my head and hands up to fire back at them. It was no use- my body was not cooperating with me any longer. I was having difficulty breathing as I sank down, barely catching myself on an arm that buckled almost as soon as I put weight upon it. Curling up, my sides heaving with my struggle to draw breath, I tried to at least listen to what was going on around me.

It was as I was laying there, breath gurgling wetly in my lungs, wounds stinging and muscles burning from running too much that I saw him.

Heero.

He was standing just to my side, the lights on the ceiling of the colony shining far too brightly behind him. Loud cracks pierced my fogged hearing as he pulled the trigger again and again on the pistol he was holding. Vaguely I noticed that it looked as if he'd been in the gunfight along with me- his shirt was ripped and stained in blood just like mine. We were just like each other.

I smiled weakly and closed my eyes again.

I've heard that when you're about to die your life flashes before your eyes.

Mine never did.

All I saw was Heero, standing over me to protect me.

All I could hear was his gun, turning fire upon the people who dared bring harm to me and Loki.

All I knew was that this was the end and at least I could see him before I went.

Maybe god let angels visit the dying, so they would know it was all right.

An explosion rocked the area as I lay on my side, immobile. I was trying not to breathe very much because it hurt so badly and was too much of an effort. It wasn't like I was going to make it anyhow and once I was dead I wouldn't have to worry about it. I already knew I would get to be with Heero again and that made it worth it. That calmed Shinigami and allowed me to let go.

I stirred myself when the volume of the fight changed and I thought I heard Quatre's voice. Confused I opened my eyes to see and sure enough, Quatre was clambering down the staircases that were supposed to be a fire escape. All I could think was "stupid Quatre, that's not how you use those…" Which, in itself shows my state of mind. I passed out again before I could put further thought to what was happening around me.

When I next woke, I sincerely wished that I hadn't.

Very groggily I opened my eyes, squinting against the blindingly white light of the room. I could hear a mechanical, rhythmic beep off to my left and someone's soft breathing to my right. Weakly turning my head I caught sight of an exhausted looking Quatre, curled up in a chair beside the bed I was occupying. There were dark bruises around his right eye and a long gash down the side of his face, dangerously close to his throat. It looked like someone had tried to kill him with a blade. I noted that his wrists were bandaged tightly, just like my own. I closed my eyes, unable to stand the pain the light brought spiking into my temples. Someone needed to dim the lights _fast_.

I could barely breathe the too-sterile, cold air that was flowing from the ventilator I was hooked up to. Without hesitation I reflexively reached up, ignoring the weak feeling in my muscles, and scrabbled at the tube that was uncomfortably down my trachea. It didn't really want to give to my fingers but as soon as it shifted I coughed violently and it practically fell out and into my hands.

I took a moment to try and breathe on my own as I stared at the tubing, dumbfounded. After a pause I looked back to my right and down upon the little blonde head resting so sleepily by my thigh.

"Quatre?" I croaked, voice cracking because my throat was so dry and irritated by any amount of passing air. It hurt like a bitch but I wasn't about to let him know that.

I heard him shift beside me. "Duo…?" He asked uncertainly, as though he weren't sure he'd actually heard me speak.

"Am I still alive…?" I groaned as I lay back again, hoping the answer was no.

"Oh Allah! Duo, you're still alive." He scrambled to his feet and I felt the bed dip a tiny bit as he leaned against it and slipped his hand comfortingly into mine. "What are you doing? Get a nurse or something!" He commanded someone I hadn't seen.

"I can see!" I exclaimed suddenly as my eyes shot open, realizing that no one but me knew of that development. Pain spiked through my head at the motion and I regretted being an excitable person.

"What?" He made a funny face, somewhere between confusion and disbelief. A look that clearly said that he thought I had truly gone insane. "You can?"

"Yes! Yes, I can!"

He was still staring at me as though I had grown a second head. "Duo, the probability of that-"

Closing my eyes, I interrupted before he could give me a rant. "Is miniscule, I know. Were you there when that one doctor first told me I was goin' blind?" I continued without waiting for an answer. "He said there was a very small possibility I could get it back."

"Yeah within a certain time range and I'm pretty sure…" He trailed off as if trying to decide if it was worth protesting. "You can really see? How many fingers am I holding up?"

I rolled my eyes at the response, opening them to see. "One, and that's not very polite." I closed my eyes again, wishing someone would dim the lights.

"Sorry." He began laughing and I could tell he was restraining himself from giving me a hug. I was thankful because even through whatever drug I was under I could feel pain radiating from the wounds I'd received.

"Where's Heero?" I blurted before I could stop myself.

"Heero…?" Quatre whispered, the dread in his voice causing me to open my eyes again. He shook his head sadly. "You didn't hear the broadcast…?"

"I _saw_ it." I affirmed quickly. "But I saw him, while we were running! He showed up and was shooting at the people attacking me. I…" I faltered at Quatre's hurt look. "I saw him, Cat, I did. He was there. You gotta believe me."

Quatre shook his head, tears leaping to his eyes. "There was no one there, Duo. When I got to you there was no one else alive; just Loki, barking her throat raw beside you and the dead. We hauled you into one of the pods and left as soon as we were able."

"He must have gotten out, Cat, I saw him!" I cried frantically, flexing to try and get out of the bed and realizing that I was not going to make it as pain flared up all over my body. My muscles were not responding to me properly- they were weak, at best. "I saw him!" I insisted, fighting tears. "He's still alive!"

"Duo!" Quatre commanded sharply, squeezing my hand. "Stop. Even if he was still on the colony when we left, Trowa and Wu Fei blew the place as soon as they could."

I made a strangled noise. "Maybe he left before that! Maybe he took a different shuttle! Maybe-"

"Stop, just stop!" He pleaded, collapsing into the chair beside the bed. "They swept the area for stray craft. Nothing. He's gone. It was hard enough to deal with the first time around, please let it be." He whispered. "I know it's hard but if he was alive he would have come forward by now."

"By now?" I choked as best I could, wiping my eyes and trying to continue breathing.

"It's been over two weeks, Duo. You... We were afraid we'd lose you, too. No one knew if you were going to wake up or not."

"I wish I hadn't..." I mumbled, squinching my eyes shut.

"Don't say that!" He hissed angrily, glaring sharply over at me. "Don't ever say that!"

"Well it's true!" I replied just as hotly. "It'd have been easier…"

"What about Loki? She's been frantic this whole time!" He told me in an accusatory tone. "She won't listen to a word anyone says, she tried to bite Trowa- _Trowa_- when he was feeding her today… If you aren't here to take care of her I don't think there's anyone else who can!"

He was right. I'd completely forgotten about Loki. It was probably entirely her fault that I had survived at all. Without her coming to my defense I would probably be less than space dust right now. Shame edged its way into my emotions, making me feel horribly guilty for neglecting my responsibility. As long as she was still alive I would have to stay alive as well, to care for her.

"How long do dogs live, Cat?" I asked quietly, giving up my struggle to free myself from the hospital bed.

I think he guessed where I was heading with that kind of question. He always seemed to know that sort of thing. "Duo, you can't just-"

"How long?!" I said sharply, cutting him off before I had to listen to any sort of admonishment for rash thinking.

He sat silently for a long few minutes before heaving a sigh of defeat. "Eight years?" he said, as though he was making a guess from facts he only vaguely remembered. "Maybe as long as twelve or more if they're taken well care of and are strong."

"So around thirty." I mused gently, closing my eyes again and tilting my head toward the ceiling. "Thirty isn't such a bad age to die." Still, the thought of that many years without Heero around tore viciously at my heart.

"Duo…" He started to warn but before he could finish someone else entered the room the lights dimmed to a blissfully tolerable level. Apparently the newcomer hadn't been told I was blind and was treating me like a normal patient. I felt the person fiddling with the IV a few seconds later and grimaced.

Cringing away I opened my eyes and caught sight of the nurse as she glared sternly at me. "I don't know what you think you are doing but you're only going to make it worse by squirming." She huffed.

I held still as she dosed me with something and gave me a very disapproving look as she relieved me of the ventilator apparatus, clearly displeased I'd taken to removing it myself. Though it was irritating to have to tolerate her I knew I didn't have much of a choice. After several agonizingly slow minutes she appeared to be satisfied that I was at least awake and aware. Telling me that she would get me some food and drink then send the doctor in to see me, she bustled out the door once more. I listened to her footsteps recede down the hall, muffled by the thick walls and the faint noises of hospital life.

"So… Trowa and Wu Fei… they're okay?" I asked quietly.

"Yes." Quatre responded in a subdued manner. I could tell he was very upset with me but I didn't want to deal with that at the time. I was going to have to handle myself and my own problems before I worried about smoothing ruffled feathers with anyone else.

"What's the news making of it all?"

Quatre only shook his head, leaning back tiredly in his chair. "The three of you are dead to the world. I can't disappear- I've already been thrust into the position Relena was supposed to…" He trailed off, remembering that yet another friend had been killed. "Well, anyhow, I've put out word that you, Trowa, and Wu Fei were killed in firefights on the colony and that I was the only one to escape."

"So… we're going with new identities or something?" I could feel a pull on my consciousness, as if I were going to fall asleep.

"Yeah, I guess."

"What are you doing here, if you're… you know." I questioned quietly. Surely running the world didn't leave much spare time and staying by my side put both of us in danger.

"I've got the weekend. Tro's here too- he actually just left to get us something to eat. I must have fallen asleep." He yawned as if to emphasize the point and settled down, still refusing to look at me again.

I settled back in the hospital bed and let my gaze drift to the clean white tiled ceiling. "Well… Thanks. For, you know… visiting." I could feel the drugs pulling at my system.

"It's what friends do- look out for each other." He said sleepily.

He probably needed sleep more than I did so I let the silence take over our conversation as we waited for the doctor. There were so many things crowding in my head that I found it hard to grasp at just one of them. Heero, Loki, my friends, my home, my name, my past… all of it was jumbled up inside me. If what Quatre was saying was the truth then I would shortly be giving up my name and everything that was tied into it- my whole past. It's not like I had never done that before but this was different. Now, I actually had something to lose if I forgot it.

Trowa reached the room before I had even begun to sort through my thoughts. He took one glance at Quatre, sleeping soundly in the chair and at me, staring blankly at the ceiling, and opted to set his coffee cups on the table, dropping the bag of take-out beside them.

"When did you wake up?" He asked quietly.

"A few minutes ago." I said dully, not even bothering to look at him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I should be dead." I retorted sourly, glaring upwards.

"You probably should be." He chuckled, a sound I rarely ever heard. It startled me into looking over at him and he smiled to himself. "You took quite a beating. If you hadn't been defended they'd have gotten you for sure. It's too bad he didn't make it."

My eyes widened considerably at the words. Had he seen Heero there? "Who?" I asked cautiously, not willing to let my hopes get too high.

"Some guy. I never learned his name. He was shooting like mad at people when I got there but by the time Quatre arrived he'd gone down. He was a good shot."

Someone else had been standing over me. I had seen someone else firing that gun and protecting me while I was fading in and out of consciousness. I controlled my reaction, not allowing even Trowa to see my hopes get dashed. What he said made entirely too much sense- someone, probably Rick, had come along and defended me. With my poor eye-sight and delusional state of mind I had mistaken him for Heero. That was it; it was all just a simple trick of the light and the fact that I hadn't seen Heero in a year.

I was fooled by my own hope.

"Did they get you anything to eat?" He asked suddenly, softly, as though he had realized that he'd said something wrong but didn't know exactly what. "I grabbed Quatre some yogurt but I don't think he would mind if you had some."

"They're bringing something, I think."

As much as I hated hospital food I knew that it would be bland and sterile- I stood more of a chance at keeping it down that way. If I'd been out for two weeks I had no doubts that my stomach was going to throw a fit at being told to work again. I didn't want to think about things like getting out of bed. My muscles, I knew, had already begun to atrophy. It was going to be a while before I was fully recovered. At least whatever kind of painkiller the nurse had given me was taking heavy effect.

Sure enough the nurse returned with some kind of bland, pasty looking meal that tasted like wet cardboard. I downed a few bites under her hawk-like gaze and gave her a weak smile, hoping she would be satisfied. I could already feel my stomach rebelling against having to work and if she was going to try and force me to eat more I would have to throw the bowl and make a run for it or something.

Luckily the few bites seemed to placate her because when the doctor entered she relieved me of the bowl and set it aside to help him. Trowa leaned against the wall to watch me and the world started taking on a faded, far away air as the painkillers took effect in earnest. The doctor asked me a few questions which I answered as best I could. He didn't seem particularly concerned when I told him my muscles were not working like they should be but he allowed me to get out of the bed. I could stand on my own, I discovered, but walking still required a bit of help. I was told that the atrophy hadn't set in very badly and that with a bit of walking and exercise I would be fine.

I informed them of my ability to see when I belatedly realized that Quatre was the only one who knew. He had woken up but apparently it hadn't occurred to him, either. He made a noise of surprise when I spoke up about it and apologized for not making an earlier mention. I was given a quick optical exam and a confused confirmation of my sight- as if I needed one.

The rest of the visit went by in a kind of drug-hazed blur. I remember a couple of physical therapy sessions and a _lot_ of questions, most of which Quatre answered. Although he didn't tell them who I really was I got the feeling that they knew. God knows they dosed me with enough drugs to take down even Heero. I guess no one told them that I was only harder to kill, not drug.

For the most part I spent my time in the little room I'd started in, puttering around when I thought I wouldn't be discovered. They had taken me off of the IV the same day I woke because I seemed to be able to keep food and drink down on my own. That left the simpler monitoring systems to get around- the finger pulse detector and the nurse who seemed to pop up out of nowhere when I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing.

Quatre called at least once a day to check up on me and Trowa came to visit every day around lunch time. I didn't hear from Wu Fei but then again I didn't really expect to. Trowa said that he had gotten back and immediately picked up with the Preventers again, though with a different name. Fortunately he wasn't entirely stupid and took a job at the back ranks where he could do quiet work for a few years until the world forgot about all of us.

Not that they would ever forget- we were fucking legends by this time.

The five boys; defenders of peace and pilots of the infamous gundanium-crafted mobile suits.

No, they might not forget us but we would become only stories instead of real people.

None of our pasts would matter any more. We could drop everyone and start with clean slates, with new lives.

I suppose that was for the best, after all… wasn't it?

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Five, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

* * *

/**_Every step I take, every move I make_**

**_Every single day, every time I pray_**

**_I'll be missing you_**

**_Thinking of the day when you went away_**

**_What a life to take, what a bond to break_**

**_I'll be missing you… _**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Six**

* * *

I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending when I left the hospital- that I walked in the door of my house to find Heero there, waiting for me like nothing had happened. That would be lying to you, though, and I can't do that. The house was empty, barren of the vitality it had held while Heero and I lived there. Needless to say I moved as soon as humanly possible. I just couldn't stand seeing the place that had been our home, being alone in the places _we_ should have been.

Two months had already passed since the Marauder incident.

Two whole months…and it hadn't gotten much easier to deal with life.

The whole entire world still felt surreal.

Every day I woke I had to force myself to get a handle on life and remember that he wasn't coming back this time. Every day I found myself sitting in the car at the edge of the cemetery, Loki laying quietly in the back seat, watching me cry as I clutched the steering wheel in an iron grip and tried to forget where I was. She was the only one I would let see me cry. Dogs, I learned, do not judge people. They do not offer any sort of ill-spoken advice, or tell you that "it'll be okay" when it feels like nothing will ever be okay again.

They don't tell you to move on when you aren't ready to yet.

So here I was again, forehead resting against the top of the steering wheel as I stared into space with an unfocused gaze. I'd come to the cemetery every day since we'd held the funeral- an event that was done more out of a sense of respect than because any of us wanted to go through it. Coming here hadn't gotten any easier. I'd been there for about fifteen minutes already, trying to steel myself to leave the vehicle. Somehow, I had to get out of the car and start walking. I had to remember. I had to make it real.

It didn't feel real.

There wasn't a body. If there had been one I think I could have dealt with it easier. I could have said "it's true" and known for sure. But the gundam pilots had the uncanny habit of coming back from the dead. Despite all logic… there was a part of me that felt that he was still out there, looking for a way back home. Like one day I would answer the knock on my door and he would be standing there, giving me that same soft, knowing grin he gave me after he had once again done the impossible.

My better judgment told me that there was no one coming back from the dead.

Not this time.

Giving in with a resigned sigh, I slipped out of the car and moved to the back. I let Loki out, and clipped on her leash as she stepped onto the pavement. It wasn't like there was really anyone around to see or bother us but I felt better with her on the leash all the same. As far as I could see there was only one other car heading down the road. It looked like Quatre's car, but I wasn't about to take any chances. If it was Quatre he knew where I was going and if it was someone else they would hopefully leave me alone.

It had been a while since I had seen any of the others. I was purposely avoiding them because I didn't want to deal with sympathy on top of everything else. I didn't want to have to see how this was affecting anyone of them. If I went to see them I knew that they would try to force me to pull myself together and "get over it" or something.

I didn't want to "get over it."

I didn't want to just forget him.

Them, maybe, but not him.

I continued down the thin sidewalk, boots clunking heavily on the pale grey pavement. Loki stayed at my heel, tail wagging slowly. She knew where we were going by now. The car I had seen pulled up behind my own car and ground into a hasty park even as the door opened. I faintly heard someone getting out, but I didn't turn around to see who. The dog paused just the slightest bit to glance behind us before hurrying to catch up with me again.

"Duo! Hey, Duo!" Quatre called from behind me, running to catch me before I veered off the sidewalk to set foot on the grass.

I turned to face him as he approached, offering him a smile that I was sure never reached my eyes. It didn't matter. I didn't care. "Yo." I returned to walking with Loki, watching the soft grass as it passed under my feet. I was enjoying every bit of sight I could now that I had it back. "What brings you here?" My voice was softer and held more of a tremble than I wanted.

"You're a hard person to find even when I know where you are. The only thing you've done with regularity is come here."

"Every day." I said wearily. "That doesn't explain why _you're_ here."

He passed me a neatly bound, brown-paper parcel tied with red ribbon and addressed to one "Max Yuy." My new IDs, licenses, and papers were finally done. My new life was ready to live. I smiled faintly, letting my hand fall to my side, removing the package from my view as I looked over at him again. With a shake of his head, he sighed.

"Taking that last name is just asking for trouble." He told me in a concerned tone.

"You didn't change yours at all, buddy." I replied wryly before sighing. "I couldn't just leave it behind, Q. I can't just forget him. I can't just move on like everyone else."

We walked in silence for a moment, watching the scenery pass and listening to the birds chirruping sweetly in the trees all around us. If I had been any other place it would have been such a peaceful environment, so utterly relaxing. As it was I could barely keep my skin from crawling at the unsettling feeling that permeated the grounds. Finally, Quatre made an exasperated noise and picked up the dropped conversation.

"You're going to have to keep moving with your life. You can't stop living just because he's gone."

"He's not gone." I spat, getting irritated.

"Oh? Then why do you hole yourself up at your flat day after day? Why aren't you out there looking for him?" He looked away from me again, jaw clenching for a second before he could continue. "If you don't think he's gone then why do you still come here every day, no matter what?"

"Because I have to keep reminding myself he's d-dead!" I snapped, tears welling in my eyes as I stopped abruptly, angry that even after two months I was still stuttering over the words. Yanking roughly on Loki's leash when she tried to keep going, I turned to glare at Quatre as I furiously wiped my eyes. "I can't bring myself to believe he's just gone like that. There's no way that after all the shit we had to go through to get to a happy ending someone could just rip it to pieces so easily. Every day I wake up thinking that maybe… that maybe it was all a bad dream. That I just imagined that whole fiasco and that if I just wish hard enough I can roll over in bed and be faced with his smile again… and every day I only find myself in an empty bed in an empty apartment with an empty hole in me where he used to be." I fixed him with a hurt look. "You didn't give up on Trowa when we thought he was dead so don't _even_ try to lecture me about this. I don't want to hear it."

"He was our friend, too. Trowa's _best_ friend." He whispered as we trailed to a stop in front of the grey granite tombstone. "You're not the only one who lost him."

"I know." I said wearily as I dropped gently to my knees, hand trailing feather light over the smooth, polished stone to trace the lettering. "The problem is that I don't _feel_ like I've lost him. I don't feel like he's really _gone_. I didn't get closure on it. On us. I guess I feel like he's still out there somewhere."

"If he were, don't you think we'd have heard something from him by now?" Quatre pointed out softly as he knelt beside me.

"We didn't hear from Trowa when he lost his memory, did we?" I pointed out, trying not to sound desperate. I held up my hands to stop him from protesting and he settled into a disapproving, concerned look. "Maybe it's a crazy thing to think but… well, I just don't want to be the one to give up if there's even a scrap of hope left. I won't ask anyone else to believe but I think that he deserves at least that much from me."

He sighed and took my shaking hands in his and looking me in the eyes. "I'm not telling you to give up hope. I would never ask that of you because I would never want you to." I allowed him to pull me into a hug which I returned without hesitation. "But please, don't let your life fall apart in the meantime."

Loki whined and nuzzled the hand in which I was holding her leash, giving me a curious look as I released Quatre. Normally when Loki and I visited Heero's gravestone (because I maintained that it had to have a body to be a grave) we were alone. We never stayed more than a few minutes- long enough to recognize and deny reality. I gave her a scratch behind the ears and nodded resignedly to Quatre.

"Okay." I consented, offering him another weak attempt at a smile.

I dropped my gaze to my hands and we spent a few more minutes kneeling on the soft grass. I could feel him watching me but I didn't feel like trying to start another conversation just yet. I still needed a little bit of time to be silent while I was here. Finally Loki seemed to tire of sitting idly and she got to her feet, looking intent on leaving whether I followed willingly or not. I climbed to my feet and helped Quatre to his. As we began walking the tension eased and I found myself curious, at last.

I hadn't heard from anyone at all since I left my information with Quatre to get my new IDs. We had decided that changing our names for a while and disappearing from the public eye would be a good idea. At least for a few years, until we were sure that nothing like that would happen again. Quatre was the only one unable to do that, as he still had to run his business _and_ manage all the duties Relena had been responsible for. Of course I sold my house and disappeared with only a faint trace, enough for the other pilots to find me again when they needed.

"Where's Trowa?" I asked quietly.

"He left the circus without telling them he was still alive. The only one we told was Cathy, and she wasn't very happy about it but she knew she had to let him go sometime. He's almost twenty one."

"You're very good at avoiding answering my questions, Q." I told him wryly, looking over with some semblance of a real smile. "Where is he now?"

Quatre chuckled weakly at my jab and shook his head. "Habit, sorry. He's renting a flat near where I am staying. The way we have it figured out three years should be long enough for everyone to stop looking for us."

"Why would anyone be looking for us?" I asked, a little confused. "Aren't we supposed to be dead?"

"Well yes, that _is_ the idea. Noin has been maintaining the rumors that you four died on that colony. That I was the only gundam pilot to survive the battle." He made a face. "Not the cleanest way to keep everyone safe, but hopefully effective. I doubt many people are going to try and hunt dead people."

I was glad to hear that the idea was working. I was rather enjoying my life of anonymity and Quatre was right. People tended to look for the dead a lot less than they looked for the living. We were nearing my car but I wasn't done talking with Quatre just yet so I pulled up short, not turning to face him. I couldn't say what I needed to say if I had to look at him.

"So I guess this is it, eh?" I asked lightly, torn as to whether I hoped he would pry or not.

"Don't say it like that. Your flat isn't that far from my place. It isn't like you're going to drop off the face of the planet, Duo."

"Actually… I am." I replied after only a second's pause. "I've booked a flight to the L2 colonies for tomorrow night. I don't expect you'll hear from me after that."

The silence he gave me in response to that hurt more than anything he could have possibly said. He knew why I was leaving- I was running away again instead of facing what was wrong. But I didn't care. I needed this. I had been hoping that I would be able to disappear without having to go through any painful farewells but if he was here I couldn't just not say goodbye.

"So that's it? Just like that you're going to vanish?"

"Yeah." I whispered, still unable to look him in the eyes. I didn't want to have to see the injured expression I knew he would be wearing. The last thing I needed right then was a guilt trip from Quatre. "That's what I do best, Cat. Disappear without a trace."

"You weren't going to say goodbye." It wasn't a question, merely an observation vacant of much emotion and on the verge of accusation.

"Would it be easier?" I asked gently as I risked a glance at him. "I think goodbyes just make it worse. Harder to deal with because you always wonder if there was something you could have done to keep the person with you. But there never was."

He gave me a sympathetic look, I think because he knew as well as I did that I wasn't really talking about myself leaving. "Will you return?" The hope in his voice cut because I knew the answer and so did he.

"The colonies are my home. Besides, if I stay here I know I won't be able to move on and take a shot at life again. At least up there," I pointed smoothly skyward without looking, "I have a decent chance. There's not as much to remind me."

"Now who's good at dodging answers?" He nudged my arm in an attempt to get me to look at him. I ignored it and kept my eyes trained firmly on the ground.

"I can't come back, Cat. It's too painful. I know you probably want to keep contact with me but… I don't think I can do that either. Every time I talk to you or Trowa or Wu Fei or _anyone_ from the war…" I shook my head sadly, reaching up to scrub at my eyes again before they could betray me. I didn't think facing him would be this hard but it just brought so much back. "I'm just reminded of him, of everything that happened." I sighed. "And truthfully… I just want to be able to forget how much that hurts. I want to forget everything."

"Even me? Even your friends?" He breathed.

I swallowed, fighting off tears as I reminded myself that I promised I would not cry if it came down to telling anyone I was leaving. "Yes, Quatre. Everything. Even you, even them. I'm sorry."

He caught my arm as I turned to leave and very gently kissed my wrist. I faced him then, more out of surprise than anything else, which I think was his intention. He was staring expectantly at me and as soon as our eyes met I knew I wouldn't be able to turn away again. Whatever he wanted to tell me I would have to stay and hear.

"I'm sorry too, Max." He pulled me over to him and reached into the right front pocket of my black pants, extracting my cell phone from where it always was. I'd had to pick up a new one after leaving the hospital- all of the stuff on my person when I was taken had been confiscated. I hadn't made more than a few calls in weeks and I didn't leave it on to receive them. "I'm going to keep paying for this service. For all of us. Even Heero's number. That will be my bid of faith for him and for you. If he's alive all he's got to do is pick up another phone and register it." I nodded and he smiled, sighing as he correctly decided I was still going no matter what he told me. "Leaving the past behind is sometimes the healthy thing to do but if you're going to just take off can you do me one small favor?"

"What is it?"

"Don't lose my number. There will always be a light on for you where-ever I am, okay? Just… remember that even if you forget all the rest of it."

My shoulders dropped in defeat and I dragged him into a tight embrace, one that he earnestly returned. Through everything Quatre had been my best friend and I knew I relied on his support more than anything else. There I was, running like I always do and he was still there for me. He still cared enough to keep trying.

"Thank you. I'll keep it." I smiled into his shoulder. "Who knows, maybe I'll call after a couple of years. Good luck running the world."

We pulled apart after a minute and he took my face in both hands, forcing me to look at him. Then he smiled and I felt some of the tension within me ease. "Take care of yourself. Hopefully I will see you in a few years."

I didn't have anything to say to that so I merely dropped away and tugged gently on Loki's leash. I felt bad about treating her roughly when I got upset at Quatre and silently promised myself I'd give her some extra treats when we got back to the flat. I got her into the back seat and closed the door before I turned to look at Quatre one more time. He stood silently watching me and I could tell that he just as close to tears as I but I knew neither one of us would actually cry. The time for that was past now; crying wasn't for the people who were still alive. I waved half-heartedly and got into the car.

It was a long drive back to my flat. Loki sat quietly in the backseat, scrabbling to stay sitting every time I turned a corner. When we finally pulled into the small parking lot in front of our building she was more than happy to exit the vehicle. So was I. There was nothing I liked better than driving, as it was the closest thing to piloting that I could do for now, but there was only so much I could take sometimes.

Every day it was the same. I got home from the graveyard, went inside and fed the dog. She ate while I checked my answering machine out of habit, took off my boots, and made myself some breakfast. There were never any messages because no one knew my home number. I tossed the package that contained my new life onto the counter, not sure I really wanted to open it and become Max Yuy just yet. Loki hopped around me as I scooped her some dry food and tossed in some grilled chicken pieces from the night before. I set her bowl on the floor and walked into the other room, sitting on the couch by the phone as I bent over to unlace my boots.

I froze, gaze drifting back to the answering machine I had glanced at so quickly.

There was a little, red, blinking number one on the display.

Someone had called.

My mind instantly rationalized it. Quatre had probably gotten my number and called about the IDs. I had been mildly surprised that he came to the graveyard instead of my flat, if he knew where I was. If he had phoned and found out I wasn't home, though, things made more sense. Relaxing, I decided I would listen to it later. I had stayed a bit long at the graveyard today and I was going to be late meeting my boss to get everything in order for me leaving if I didn't hurry my ass up.

It was times like the morning, while I got ready to leave for work, that I missed Heero the most. During the war I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about how things should be, if I made it out alive. I'd never planned what I was going to do for a living or where I was going to live or what I was going to do with my life. All of those things required me to survive and quite honestly I didn't often think I would. Sheer dumb luck seemed to save me half the time and the others were around for the other half. Yet no matter where I thought I'd end up I had always hoped that Heero would be there with me. Whatever I ended up doing, I felt like he should be there for it, even if he turned out to be just a close friend.

But… he wasn't.

He was gone…

But it certainly didn't feel that way.

I still felt like I was going to turn around and he'd be there. Waiting. Sometimes I fooled myself that I could hear him in the other room and would think that if I just checked I would find him there. Just as I had been able to when we roomed together at safe-houses- getting out of the shower or typing at his computer or burning what was supposed to be our dinner. Something normal; something that he deserved to be able to do any time now that we didn't have to fight.

But he never was.

What hurt the worst was thinking about all those things we'd never get to do. All the sunsets that we would miss, all the meals we wouldn't eat together, all the time we'd never spend doing nothing on lazy Saturday afternoons. All the times I would come home from work to a house devoid of the love I'd shared with him for a full year before the Marauders interfered. All the mornings I would leave for work, like I was right then, without getting to say goodbye.

"I'll see you when I get home, Heero." I whispered to the empty air as I closed the door behind me.

They were such simple words, so ordinary… but they were eight little words he could no longer hear.

* * *

/**_Cause I miss you, body and soul_**

**_So strong that it takes my breath away_**

**_And I breathe you into my heart_**

**_And pray for the strength to stand today_**/

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Six, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

* * *

/**_Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you_******

**_When you think everything's okay and everything's going right_******

**_And life has a funny way of helping you out when_******

**_You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Seven**

* * *

So that was it. I was coming up on almost twenty years of life and I was going to be right back where I started- Living alone on an L2 colony, family gone and friends only a memory. I had been through a slew of waking nightmares but it was all finally ending. This would be the last time I had to run away from my past. After tonight I could settle down and forget it all- forget the pain and guilt, forget the fighting and the loss.

I could forget myself if I had to.

The movers had taken most of my belongings out the evening before, leaving us with just my bed and a few other smaller items. Loki was sitting patiently in the kitchen's doorway, watching them take the last of our things into the hallway and out to the truck. It almost looked as if she were making sure they didn't do anything tricky. I smiled faintly and whistled, catching her attention. She got to her feet and trotted over, licking my palm as she reached my side. I had let her training slip just a bit lately, seeing as she didn't have to be a guide dog any longer.

"You ready to go, girl?" I asked softly.

She whimpered in response, anticipating a walk as she took a few steps forward then turned to see if I was following. We trailed after the last two moving men and I silently locked the door behind me. I would have to make a detour to the front office to hand in my key.

It was nice to see the building's owner one last time- she had been nothing but cordial and polite to Loki and I. When I had first arrived she had been highly skeptical. Normally animals were not allowed in the building but after much persuasion and an agreement to pay extra for the second "person" living in the place she agreed to let Loki stay. I was surprised that she had let us stay for the full two months without bothering us about anything else. Although they were supposed to do background checks before allowing someone to rent a flat, I think that she had decided she didn't want to know.

"Thank you, Max." She said when I passed her the key. "If you're ever back in the area you come stop by and see me. Bring your mutt, too. I'm going to miss you two. You've been the quietest tenants I've ever had."

I smiled, shaking my head. "You can't have had many good residents, then. Thank you for all you've done, Liss. I'll keep you in mind if I ever come back."

As soon as we were outside Loki began straining at her leash, heading for the car. We hadn't been to the graveyard yet today and she knew it. I opened the door, letting her hop excitedly into the backseat. Thankfully she had learned not to try and climb into the front seat and more importantly not to climb onto my lap while I was trying to drive.

We made the fifteen minute drive out to the graveyard and I parked on the side of the long white road that wound through the grounds. I didn't really want to be here. Coming to visit one last time would mean that I was actually serious. That I would take on the new name and the new home and the new _life_ without looking back. I wasn't sure that was what I wanted. We sat inside the car like I always did, gazing along the paved road and letting my thoughts drift into space. It was a while before I gathered the strength of will to continue and remove myself from the vehicle.

Loki scrabbled at the door as I exited. I banged on the window gently and she backed up, staring at the door handle with rapt attention. I rolled my eyes, wishing I had that kind of intense focus for anything, much less door handles. I watched her watching the handle and I could feel myself drifting away, looking blankly into space.

This was really goodbye.

After I walked away from this graveyard I wouldn't be back.

My thoughts shifted to all the times I had left people behind. All the places I would never be again, all the people I would never see. I didn't want to have to add Heero to that list. I didn't want to have to say "I remember Heero." I just wanted him to be here with me again, so that I could say "I remember, Heero." instead.

Loki scratched at the door and barked once, drawing my attention back to the present. I swallowed thickly and reached to open the door. She practically leapt from the seat and I had to order her to sit still before she bolted. Just barely letting me clip on her leash, she began heading for our spot. I trudged despondently behind her.

A part of me knew I had to do this but the rest of me just wanted to turn away without this last visit. If I turned and left I could have an excuse to come back, an excuse to visit again and remember. But I didn't really want that either and I knew I wouldn't be walking away without saying goodbye.

I almost toppled over when Loki stopped short, leash tugging backwards on my wrist as I slowly passed her. Wondering what she had found this time I turned, only to see that she was staring off into the distance, posture rigid and the ruff of fur down her spine standing up in a spiky line. I raised one eyebrow, following her line of sight and my gaze fell upon the gravestone maybe fifty meters away.

Perched atop it was a small blonde figure with his back to me.

I scowled. Hadn't I told Quatre that I was leaving? I didn't want to see him now. If he was here to speak with me and I ended up talking to him and I had to say goodbye _again_… I didn't think I would ever get off the planet.

With a heavy sigh I resigned myself to my fate and dragged Loki forward once more. "Stupid Quatre." I muttered under my breath. I would have liked to turn around and walk away but unfortunately Quatre was sitting on the one thing I couldn't leave without visiting. Loki followed me reluctantly, giving an apprehensive look as she started walking.

It was only a matter of seconds later that it dawned on me that Quatre did not wear jeans or black leather jackets like the one this boy held balled in his arms. It was someone else, someone trespassing.

Talk about fucking disrespectful.

My scowl deepened at the thought and I quickened my pace. "Stupid kids," I growled, glaring, "no fucking sense of respect for the sanctity of…" I trailed off, Loki's leash falling from my numb fingers as my body froze.

That form.

That stance…

I recognized-

But that was impossible.

He was dead….

…Wasn't he?

I mean… I saw them shoot… I saw him fall.

I watched him die.

But there he was, plain as day, perched delicately on the thick grey tombstone, staring into space with his hands clasped in front of him around the jacket. He had a white knuckled grip, dark fingers curling deeply into the material. He'd bleached his hair and looked like he hadn't eaten a decent meal in weeks but… it was unmistakably him. I was sure he had to have heard me approach, but he made no move to acknowledge my presence.

"H-Heero?" I choked hoarsely.

He started at my voice and turned to the side to me, confused. His eyes cleared after a second, as though he'd returned from where-ever he'd been and the look of confusion deepened. Time slowed and froze as he slipped from the top of the tombstone to stand cautiously, and faced me. That jacket tumbled from his limp fingers and landed on the ground in a heap, forgotten. A surreal feeling began to creep over me and suddenly reality felt more like a dream as he took a hesitant step toward me and froze again. I didn't even breathed for fear of waking up and shattering the illusion.

Nightmares started like this.

Like everything was all right.

Like he was still alive, breathing and moving and still _here with me_.

He moved first, startling me into shying back in fear- fear that this was just another dream. He froze, expression mirroring how I felt; confused, scared, hopeful. I swallowed thickly and Loki whimpered at my side. The sound brought a sense of reality with it, breaking the trance

"Duo?" His voice cracked over my name, as though he was not about to trust his own sight.

"Oh god..." I breathed, my knees buckling and sending me forward to cover the few steps that separated us.

I flung my arms around his neck, holding onto him as though he would fade if I let go. His hands came up immediately, fingers pressing into my shoulder blades as he hugged fiercely. Stumbling back a pace he brought us carefully to the ground- good thing, too, because I couldn't have remained standing with the way I was shaking. Loki began dancing around us and yapping happily at the reunion of her two favorite people.

Prying himself back a few inches he pulled me up into a hungry kiss. His desperation to prove that I was real, that this was happening, was almost tangible- or maybe it was my own need I could feel so strongly. I ran my fingers along his jaw, down his neck, along his arms- anywhere I could touch and feel and reassure myself that he was alive. That he hadn't changed. That he wasn't gone.

Every gesture, every movement, every touch was returned with fervor and I could hear him whispering between kisses though I couldn't understand what he was saying. It didn't matter what he said as long as he was alive to say it. We both stumbled on each others words, repeating ourselves in disbelief and happiness. I just couldn't believe he was really here, really talking. I felt dizzy with the sheer rush of adrenaline coursing through me. I lost track of how many times I exclaimed "you're alive!" or began to question reality only to be interrupted by Heero assuring me that we were safe.

Several long minutes pass before either of us could coherently speak without being completely consumed by the need to be reassured. When we finally calmed I found myself sitting, straddling his hips on my knees, fingers curled in the cloth of his shirt, forehead resting against his warm shoulder. I could hear a heartbeat thrumming in my ears although whether it was mine or his was indeterminate- I could hardly think past the relief flooding my system.

His hands roamed up and down along my spine as he spoke softly into my hair so that I could feel his breath tickle my ear. "I thought I'd lost you…"

Shaking my head in denial I pressed my hands flat to his chest and tried to breathe properly. "Never, no… I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I managed, though it sounded more like a plea than a reassurance. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

"Out of your sight, eh?" He said softly, sounding amused. Looking back I think he was pleased that I was feeling stable enough to make jokes about my eyesight, which made me realize that… he didn't know.

My eyes widened as my head snapped up, hands curling into his shirt once more. "My sight!" I exclaimed, though it only seemed to confuse him as I practically shook him. "I can see! Heero, I can SEE!" Of all the people in the entire world I had wanted to tell that to, the one person I wanted to tell most was the only one who didn't know.

He looked at me as if I'd grown a second head. With a jerky, half shake of his head, as though he thought about denying what I'd said and then decided differently, he found his voice. "You what?"

"I got hit!" On some level it was wrong to sound that excited about being beaten, but I kept going anyhow. "When they nabbed me from the house they hit me! Docs say the nerves must have been regenerating the knock helped repair the connections."

"Duo the chances of that-"

"One in a million, I _know_! But it _did_!"

For a split second as he stared blankly at me I thought he was going to make me prove it like Quatre had. Then his lips parted in an elated smile and he pulled me forward into an embrace that I happily returned. He withdrew and placed his hands on either side of my face, smoothing my hair back repeatedly and looking me in the eyes. I think he was just as pleased as I was- thrilled that when he looked at me he could see _me_, everything that I was, looking right back at him.

However, I allowed him to revel in real eye contact for only a few seconds before bringing one of my hands up to his and covering it. Leaning forward I closed the last few inches between us and kissed him, sweetly, slowly, wrapping everything I had missed and everything I had feared we would miss into it. His eyes slid closed heavily and he drew me closer, responding with the same force of raw emotion and relief.

When I pulled away it was just barely far enough to speak, with my forehead resting gently against his and my eyes trained downward. With a contented noise he ran his fingers lazily over any part of me he could easily reach, clearly relishing in the touches as much as I was enjoying them. I smiled and let out the breath I was holding, trying to center my thoughts and get everything into proper perspective. My whole world had been turned upside down yet again in just a matter of minutes.

"I never expected to see you again, Heero." I whispered, closing my eyes against the way my eyes prickled at the words. "When I saw that broadcast and I thought… when I saw what they did, I felt like I was already dead. It was really horrible..."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. My arms tightened around his neck and I buried my nose in his shoulder, keeping my eyes tightly closed. It felt so good to be able to touch him again, feel him breathing, to feel his pulse beneath my fingers, beneath my lips. The knowledge that I came so close to losing him forever formed a solid lump of worry in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm okay, love. I'm fine." Heero murmured softly, though I could feel him shaking almost as badly as I was. "I'm right here now."

He continued soothing reassurances, for both our sakes, until Loki chose to remind us that reality still existed around us. She had been standing ever so patiently nearby, watching us with her tail wagging in big, happy arcs behind her. Finally unable to take the excitement, she nosed her way into our business, licking both of our cheeks at the same time because they were so close together. Heero laughed and reached from behind me to ruffle her ears.

"How's she been?" He asked quietly, trying to move to a less emotional topic. I was grateful for the chance to calm down and I joined him in petting her.

"She got shot up there, too, but she made it just fine." I replied, tearing my eyes away from Heero only long enough to glance at my dog. I wanted to ask Heero all about how he had gotten away from the colony but I respected his valiant effort to change the subject and keep the conversation light. I could grill him about it later. "She's been a real angel."

He smiled again and kissed me softly. We sat for several minutes, neither of us willing to get up and leave just yet. It was peaceful to just let the world exist around us for once, instead of feeling any sort of need to do anything at all. Loki flopped down at our side, rolling onto her side and looking sideways out across the graveyard at something. It was only as the sun reached higher in the sky, beating down in uncomfortable temperatures that Heero shifted.

"We should probably get going." He suggested evenly, giving me another kiss. "Do you have plans for the day?"

"No, I- shit!" I cursed, dropping my head back as I remembered my evening plans. I grinned when I felt Heero's lips on my throat, and shifted to look at him. "I'm supposed to be moving today."

"You- There were strangers at the house when I stopped by weeks ago." He looked very confused.

"You went to the house? Heero, I couldn't stay there. I moved to a flat around here as soon as they let me out of the hospital." I nosed his cheek gently and gave him a worried smile. "I was set to go to the L2 cluster tonight."

"Oh." Was all he said, though he appeared to have gone into that state of mind where I could tell he was already planning a way to remedy the situation.

I smoothed his bangs out of his eyes and made sure he was looking right at me. "I can get a different flight, don't worry about it. I'm not leaving you for anything right now."

He visibly relaxed and let me help him to his feet at last. Loki was quick to rise, looking between us with a look that said she was more than ready to leave. "I could always just get a ticket on your shuttle." He suggested as he brushed off the backs of his legs then laced his fingers with mine.

"What if it's full?" I countered, really more worried than I needed to be.

"I could always just get a ticket on your shuttle." He repeated, though he seemed far more amused at the suggestion and what it implied the second time.

My jaw dropped a little in astonishment that he would even make a suggestion like that. "Heero you can't just hack into and manipulate things any time you want." I wanted to sound chiding but I'm afraid the effect was lost in a silly grin.

"I beg to differ." He said as we began walking, Loki trailing at my heel like she had been trained.

"Mmm, begging…" I nearly purred as I wrapped my arm around his and leaned against his shoulder. He shook his head at my comment, but didn't reply. "Hey, how did you get here?"

He waved his free hand dismissively and took a steadying breath. "When I stopped by the house they told me that the previous owner had died. They seemed really nervous to tell me and said that if I was a friend I could come here, to the graveyard. At first I was confused about how they would know that but then I remembered how chatty Quatre is."

I gave him a funny, sideways look. "I meant did you drive or walk or…"

"Oh." I didn't miss the faint blush that crept over his cheeks, even though he looked away to hide it. "I uh… I took a cab."

I made a noise of acknowledgement. "Have you been here before?" I would kick myself if he'd been coming here every day just like me and I had missed him because I'd been keeping a schedule.

Thankfully he shook his head. "No. I couldn't bring myself to come down until just today. I didn't want… I thought that if I showed up that would mean it had all actually happened and you were gone for real. I wasn't… ready."

"I haven't missed a day since we made them, a month ago." I said, gaze going unfocused just a little bit as I remembered all the lonely days spent in this very graveyard. "Didn't you ever think to call Quatre?"

I realized how stupid the question was as soon as it was out of my mouth. I was much closer to Quatre than Heero ever was- we never had arguments to speak of whereas he and Heero constantly bickered in subtle and scathing ways. Despite my better relationship with Quatre, I had tried turn my back on him and break off our friendship. I wasn't surprised to hear that Heero had done the same thing to an even more extreme degree. Being faced with a constant reminder like that was just too much. In the end I know that if it had been my decision I wouldn't have spoken to Quatre either.

"Better to let him think I'm dead than tell him I'm not and then disappear. Without you there I didn't want any other part of my old life." He sighed, looking over at me as we reached my car. I assumed he guessed which car was mine because it was, again, the only car visible.

"Yeah…" I said distractedly, opening the door for him and slipping free of his touch. "That would have been easier." If I had been smart I would have gotten my own IDs and papers, cutting myself out of Quatre's life without the painful confrontation we'd had the day prior. "Loki, get over here."

When I spoke Loki looked over at me from where she had been trying to climb into the front seat with Heero. She had always loved riding with him because when he drove she got to sit up front. Heero reached down and scratched the top of her head, turning the gesture into a grab for her collar. She allowed him to lead her around the door and into the back seat, though she looked put out at the change in her plans.

"Where are we going?" Heero asked as I climbed into the front seat and put the key in the ignition.

We couldn't go back to our house and I had moved out of the flat just that morning. There had to be someplace to stay while we awaited transit. Wu Fei was ages away from the graveyard and he didn't take kindly to surprise visitors anyhow. Quatre and Trowa weren't too far away but somehow I felt like there should be a day for just the two of us first; which meant I still had a flight to cancel (or just conveniently not attend) and some people to call and inform that my belongings would be arriving without me. In the end I don't think it was the destination that counted as much as the company.

"Does it really matter?" I gave him a sidelong look as I turned the key, the engine only a quiet purr.

He looked back at me for a moment, and then stared out down the winding, white road that lay before us. Relaxing back into the seat, he took my free hand in his and shook his head. "No," he murmured with a content smile, "it really doesn't."

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Seven, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

* * *

/**_Tell me what you thought about_**

**_When you were gone and so alone_**

**_The worst is over_**

**_You can have the best of me_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Eight**

* * *

Morning is supposed to dawn grey and muted, hesitant and slow. Morning is a subdued time of day; submissive to the night upon which it repeatedly encroaches. It is never the sunrises that blaze into being, searing across the sky in brilliant rainbows of colors; that is only for the sunsets. Dawn is not a time for warm shades of red and yellow, it is not a time for bright tones and cheerful sounds. The birds have never heralded the dawn- they mourn the loss of the eve.

Or at least I'd believed so until that morning, waking slowly to find myself faced with his sleeping form, so peaceful in the pink light of morning.

I smiled, brushing stray strands of hair from his face and marveling at the way all the worries he carried in the day melted from his features. It was as if he escaped it ./all by simply closing his eyes and dreaming away the troubles, at least until morning. I had always loved watching him sleep, so quietly. Duo was never a quiet person so rare moments such as these, on the occasions I awoke before him, were something I cherished.

Of course we had been up late the night before, both touching and talking and trying to keep a firm grasp on reality. I had started to describe to him my escape, or at least as much of it as I could remember, but in typical Duo-fashion he hadn't seemed to care how I had escaped so long as I had. In a way I think he was scared that if either of us talked about what we thought had happened, it would come true. He was strange like that- not wanting to mention the past lest it be brought about again by mere words. At any rate it was a relief to not have to relive everything and I was just as happy to lay quietly with him until sleep claimed us.

Now, things were finally better than good, a new day had dawned and with it came a lifetime of possibilities….

… Except for the incredibly annoying noise emanating from Duo's duffle.

Of course, in the early morning hours with sleep still fogging my brain, it took me several tries to guess what was making that noise. It was a phone. This was, to say the least, confusing to my addled mind. We had gotten ourselves a hotel room within reasonable distance from the aerospace launch areas, where most guests stayed before their flights. The next open shuttle wouldn't be around for a couple of days still so it wasn't like we didn't have the time to spend loafing around and enjoying one another. This also meant that we weren't staying anywhere where anyone would be able to reach us.

I'm sure you can see how this makes the presence of a ringing phone a little puzzling at six in the morning.

Thankfully, before I got a chance to confuse myself further, it stopped.

Only to start again five seconds later.

Groaning, I leaned over the edge of the bed and made a blind grab at the bag, wondering who put the phone in there. I extracted the object, staring at it with much confusion. It rang a third time, much louder than the previous times now that it was open to the air.

I was honestly surprised when the phone jangled again in my hands. Every time I'd called his cell phone in the past month I had been sent directly to his old voicemail. I hadn't figured I would get an answer- after all he'd had the phone on him when we were taken by the Marauders. If it had been destroyed there would be no phone to answer, even if he had been around to do so.

As I hated talking on the phone I wasn't about to answer it. Duo was already turned over and facing me anyhow, so I handed the phone to him and allowed myself to relish the sound of his sleep drugged voice.

"Hello?" He asked groggily and I didn't miss the note of irritation. Whoever was calling would get a worse reaction for having woken him. "Quatre?" He blinked, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes with his free hand as he tried to come to his senses faster. "Woah, woah, slow down! What the hell are you talking about?"

I could hear the fast paced, tinny voice on the other side of the line. I heard my name somewhere in there but that was the only word I caught. I quietly watched Duo who was looking at me and smiling more and more deviously with every second he remained silent. Whatever Quatre had to say was obviously amusing.

"So what are you trying to tell me? That Heero's alive?" I started to say something but he covered my lips with two fingers and shook his head. I stared at him, unable to believe he was going to be so cruel to our friend. Was he seriously going to let Quatre think I was still dead if I were sitting less than a foot away from him? He shot me a look that clearly told me I had better be quiet, and listened.

I tried to silently ask what was going on but was hushed with a waved hand. "Someone picked up a phone for his number? Have you called it?" He waited a second for Quatre to reply and then sighed. "Cat, couldn't it have been someone else? If they knew the number they could pick up the phone. I don't want to call and have to listen to some stranger on the line. Not when it should be Heero."

There was an awkward silence before I heard Quatre apologize and promise to call and find out for Duo. The two hung up after another silent moment. I socked Duo in the arm and he started laughing, grabbing my hand in his.

"You are a cruel, cruel individual. You should have told him." I chided, breaking his hold and twining our fingers.

"If you really thought that you wouldn't have stayed quiet." He returned, still grinning. "Where is your cell phone?"

"In my pants." I responded.

"…Where are your pants…?" He asked, looking around the room.

"Let's see, the last time _I_ took them off…" I laughed as he elbowed me.

"Shut up, they're around." The phone began to ring again and he snapped his attention to the doorway of the hotel room. "Well?"

When it didn't look like I was going to move he rolled his eyes and bounded up, walking across the room to snatch up my jeans. I watched him move in the dim, golden light of the room and smiled. Even when he wasn't paying attention to how he walked, he moved in the same feline manner. It was in the way he hunted for the phone, the way he paced back to the bed, even in the way he smiled when he looked up at me, producing the ringing toy. Everything he did had a liquid grace to it, something that was unmatched by anyone I had ever seen. The knowledge of how lucky I was did not escape me as he tossed me the phone and slipped under the covers once more.

"Answer it before he hangs up."

I flushed and flipped it open, pressing the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

I was faced with stunned silence for a moment, so long that I thought for sure I'd waited too long. There was a strangled noise and Quatre's voice filtered through. "H-Heero?"

"Yes." I felt bad for the way Duo had pranked Quatre. I don't know how Duo could put up with hearing the hurt in Quatre's voice. As much as we didn't get along I was never able to handle him being sad. "Duo was being a prat- he already knew. He's right here."

"Hey!" Duo exclaimed from beside me, pinching my arm. "No fair!"

"He what?" Quatre said at the same time, sounding confused. "Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't _you_?"

Before I could answer the phone was snatched out of my hands. "I didn't because I wanted it to be a surprise!" Duo reasoned in apologetic tones.

The excuse sounded lame, but I don't think Duo had expected to hurt anyone by playing the trick. More than anything I think he'd pushed the whole incident, all the pain and loss to the back of his head because it wasn't real to him any longer. I think he had just forgotten that while it wasn't quite as raw a pain for him since I was right here next to him again, it was still awful for the others, especially Quatre. I could already see Duo feeling back about what he'd done, so I decided not to say anything worse. After all I could hear Quatre getting snappy with him already.

I couldn't hear exactly what he said in response, but Duo reluctantly handed the phone back to me as though it had bitten him. "Quatre?" I asked cautiously.

"What's going on?" He asked weakly. "I thought- We all thought you were dead!"

Duo, meanwhile, had managed to get his hands on me with obvious thoughts of being distracting while I was on the phone. I squirmed away with a smile and tried to keep my composure. "I know. I'm sorry. I should have at least called you but I didn't think I could handle it, after I was told you were the only one left." I made a grab for Duo's straying hand, giving him a warning look that was somehow less than serious.

I heard Quatre curse on the other end. "I worried about that happening but I didn't think... Oh, Heero, I'm so sorry! If I had known..."

Typical Quatre, the bleeding heart. "You know, it's in the past now." I interjected before he could go into a full apology. Duo had wriggled his hands from my grasp and turned his lips to my fingers. He was making it rather difficult to ignore him. "We're heading out to the L2 colonies next week."

"Can we do something before then?" He asked hopefully.

"No." I spoke neutrally, because I knew it would be difficult to explain without hurting feelings. "I don't think that it would be wise for all of us to be seen in the same place right now. After all the work you put into making everyone believe we're dead, it'd be a shame to ruin it by doing something that thoughtless."

He was silent for a moment while I battled with Duo for an extra few minutes of phone time. I made a grab for his hands once more, though with only one hand free it was impossible for me to stop him all together. Quatre didn't seem to notice the epic duel happening on our side or if he did he made no mention of it. Finally Duo halted abruptly and kissed me with a grin.

"Hurry up." He whispered. "I'm going to take a shower and you've got five minutes to join me before I lock the door."

I made an incredulous noise and watched him slip from the bed and saunter across the room. "Quatre?" I prompted as soon as Duo had closed the door. "Was there anything else?"

He spoke as though coming out of a daze. "Hm? Oh!" He cleared his throat. "What am I supposed to tell the others? They're going to want an explanation, especially Trowa. If you can't meet with me at least tell me what happened."

I sighed, knowing that I would eventually have to tell _someone_ what had happened. After all, not everyone was like Duo; content with just knowing I was alive and well now. "I don't remember a lot of it, Quatre. I got caught on the streets the same as everyone else from what Duo told me. I woke up in that cell with those fucking cuffs and realized after four attempts that I really wasn't getting out of there. They drugged me and dragged me out there without an explanation, and shot me."

"We got that part." Quatre said softly. "We all watched that- they broadcasted it everywhere. There isn't a person alive who didn't see you when they did that…"

I winced. Duo had told me they broadcast it, but I still wasn't sure it hit home just how many people had assumed they watched me die. "The next thing I remember was waking up on a shuttle with people running all around me trying to keep me alive. Someone told me we were going to an L1 colony nearby and then I passed out again."

"Someone took you off colony?" He asked incredulously.

"No shit." I said defensively, wondering why I always got so riled up at Quatre. "When I woke up it was a few weeks later and there was nothing left but rubble and bad news. The nurse said the people who admitted me never returned and the news was splashed with the deaths of everyone who had been on the colony, including the gundam pilots. I thought about calling you but that just wasn't a life I wanted to return to, if so much was going to be missing."

"Better to start over?" He sighed, as though simply repeating something told to him previously. "Duo seemed to think the same thing." He took a breath, a sure sign that he was trying to think of what to do next. Finally I heard him shift and switch ears with the phone. "I suppose you're right that it's better if we're not seen in a group for a while. One or even two of us can be discounted as coincidental look-alikes but more than that and people will realize we're still out there. But that doesn't mean I'm giving you free reign to forget me. I'd better damn well get a call in a couple years, once things have settled down a bit. You hear?"

I grinned, suddenly remembering why Quatre and I were friends at all, despite the bickering we did. He was always there in a pinch, always willing to stand by you even if the situation looked bleak. He had a strength I knew I would never possess, no matter how much I trained, and I respected that a great deal.

"I hear." I said gently, smiling. "You'll be hearing from us."

"I'd better." I could hear the smile in his voice. "Have fun and try not to get so distracted you miss your shuttle."

The line clicked dead in my hands and I gave the phone a look of good humored disbelief. He might not always seem it, but Quatre really had a tongue on him sometimes. Not a bad thing, that's for sure. He had probably figured Duo and I would still be going to the L2 colony- Duo had said he told him earlier the day before.

I lobbed the phone gently at the nightstand and slid out from under the covers, heading for the shower. I could see the steam pouring out from the bottom already, even though I hadn't been on the phone more than a minute or two. I opened the door as quietly as I was able, hoping that Duo wouldn't be able to hear it over the rush of heated water. As he didn't raise a greeting, I assumed I was successful and closed it silently behind me.

With practices ease I pulled the shower curtain back just enough to slip inside. Duo always showered facing the shower-head when he was waiting for me or undoing his braid. Seeing as I had done him the favor of taking out his much shorter braid last night and he hadn't locked me out yet, I guessed that he was still waiting for me. When I placed my hands on his hips he started, then sank back into my touch with an almost purr. He reached a wet hand around to smooth back my hair as I kissed his jaw.

"Glad to see you could join me." He said silkily as I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close. "Heero, showers are supposed to be for getting clean."

I smiled against his skin and put my lips close to his ear. "Is that a rule?" He shivered against me, his eyelids dropping closed.

"Yes." He replied on a breath.

"You know what they say about rules…" I gently nipped his shoulder, eliciting a breathy moan as he turned about in my arms to look me in the eyes.

"They're made to be broken?" He inquired mischievously, licking a drop of water from my nose.

Grinning, I leaned forward, close enough to feel his breath on my lips. "Exactly." I whispered, closing the last space between us to kiss him, slowly. He melted into the kiss, returning every ounce of emotion I put into it, and I knew.

We may not have led the best lives in the past. We'd done some horrible things, killed a lot of people who deserved to live more than either of us, and we'd done some magnificent things, saved more lives than anyone can count by bringing an end to an eighteen year war. We'd seen so much come and go, let so much pass us by and seized so much for ourselves. I had learned to feel everything from a broken heart to true love, knew happiness and grief, madness and crystalline sanity. Over my short life I had experienced more than any twenty people will _ever_ go through in their entire lives.

But in all the time I've lived, everything I've seen and done and felt, nothing has ever been more perfect than it was in that one, single moment.

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Eight, Through the Storm**/

* * *


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

* * *

/**_We want more than this world's got to offer_**

******_We want more than the wars of our fathers_**

******_And everything inside screams for second life, yeah_******

**_We were meant to live for so much more_**/

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Nine**

* * *

The park is beautiful today, despite the fact that we're stuck here on the colony for another couple hours. I hardly even notice I'm not in a real park any more because I've gotten so used to it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can still remember the blue skies and wide open fields that I'd seen while on Earth. Everything is always so much greener there, so much more vibrant. This park isn't so bad, though- it has lush green grass and the trees are thick with emerald leaves that flutter in the artificial breeze. I can almost imagine myself back on planet side.

Heero doesn't like it as much here- I know that now. Up until a few days ago I wouldn't have guessed he felt like that. I can see him across the park, tossing Loki's worn green tennis ball as far as he can lob it- she never fails to catch it before it's even stopped rolling, no matter how much effort he puts into it. I love watching them play. Heero's never really stopped being reserved, though he is certainly a lot more expressive and emotional than when I met him. He just seems more… well, human. But I suppose there will always be things which he can never let go and over the past three years I've learned that there are some things I can never change.

Most things though, I can. At first I thought that there was no way living in the background of society was going to be at all comparable to living on the cusp of battle almost all the time. I know that the first year was certainly the hardest. Bored didn't begin to describe my thoughts on life, every day doing menial things. It had been like that the year I had spent blind as well (where nothing terribly exciting was happening) only this time there was no handicap to occupy my time learning to live with and one to fall back to when things got unbearably tiresome. A million times I picked up the phone to call Quatre or Trowa or even Wu Fei (if that shows just how utterly desperate I was) only to remember that we still had years before I could talk to them for real.

Heero didn't have as much of a problem with that as I did. He seemed perfectly content to settle down and find a suitable job. I had rather grumpily followed his example when he pointed out that people would be suspicious if we kept living where we were without any visible source of income. I hated when he was so damn logical. Not that I was about to give up our new place- oh no, I liked it way too much for that.

We had moved into a loft on the softer side of town. After all, there were always two sides to every city, the good and the bad. I knew where the slums were on this colony so I knew exactly where to avoid. Heero had been the one to find our new home, after an extensive search. It was roomy, at least for something that wasn't a house all on its own. We had three bedrooms and ample living space as well as a full kitchen and the most beautiful bathroom. The shower had a huge full bath tub that doubled as its own Jacuzzi- I think everyone knows how much I love Jacuzzi tubs.

Loki made a huge fuss when we moved into the loft, however. She'd been horrible ever since we got to the colony, whimpering and whining, keeping her tail tucked firmly between her knees and growling at phantoms. Heero and I were both baffled until he suggested that perhaps her first experience on a colony had not been the best of first impressions. I felt awful, of course, for not thinking of that sooner, so we took her straight down to the park and she seemed to calm down at having grass beneath her feet once more.

She settled right in after she learned that not every trip to outer space ended in bleeding, trauma, and near-death experiences. I had wanted to keep up with her training, seeing as it had come in so useful in the past, but Heero had other plans. He spoiled that pup _rotten_ at every chance he got. I suppose neither one of us had ever really had a chance to spoil anything properly- we couldn't while Loki was acting as a guide dog. She was a working dog before, no doubt, but she took to the life of treasured pet with relish.

I guess we all took to our new lives, once we got used to the idea of safety. At first I couldn't get used to the fact that no one was gonna jump me on the streets or invade my home- especially after what happened with Mariemaia and her lot. I was so jumpy that I almost shot Heero on two occasions when he came home early from work without calling. I got in a bunch of trouble over that. It took a lot of time and a lot of almost not harmless incidents before I came to terms with the fact that… no one recognized us any more.

No one was looking. We were dead to the world and no one expected to see us walking in the streets. All we would ever be, so long as we were careful, was phantoms, ghosts of heroes from a war everyone wanted to forget.

It helped that my hair had been cut from that incredibly identifiable braid. It took getting used to but I think it was to my advantage. If I was a while getting used to my own hair it was _forever_ before I got used to Heero's. I kept thinking that Quatre was walking around our place, or that some strange boy had wandered into the loft looking for… something. It was unnerving, to say the least.

It was completely necessary, though. If anyone recognized us for _sure_ then _everyone's_ cover would be blown. It wasn't just my own safety, or Heero's safety that was on the line… It was everyone's. Quite possibly the peace of the world depended upon out ability to hide from the world itself.

Then again I've always been dramatic. Maybe it didn't matter at all.

At any rate, Heero stopped dying his hair over a year ago after an very unfortunate incident. I still hold that it was not _entirely_ my fault- if he'd been a good boy and just let me have my way it would never have happened. I had finally forced him into a chair in the kitchen so that I could trim his hair and he was bitching and moaning about it. I tell you my hand slipped listening to all those complaints and just like that a good chunk of that pretty blond hair went missing. Of course I started laughing so hard I almost fell over, though he was furious with me when he nicked the mirror from the counter to take a look. After wrestling all the hair care tools and products from me he locked himself in the bathroom and didn't come out until he'd shaved his head just to spite me.

Needless to say I hadn't spoken to him for days for that. Fortunately his hair grows so fast that he didn't have to worry about it for more than a week or two before he had that delightfully short, dark brown fuzz. I took every opportunity presented to me to pet his head and run before he could get me. God I love buzz cuts on occasion.

Now his hair was back to being that shaggy, deep-brown mop he'd had when he was younger. I've let mine grow out, although it's slow going. I've managed to make a braid of it again, one that reaches down to my shoulder blades. As much as I hated those people for taking it without my permission, they had done me a service by doing so. I would never have made the sacrifice of my own free will. Yes, I still regret having lost my hair like I did but I think it's a constant reminder to be careful and to cherish that which I still have.

Which was all well and great but… It's been four years. Four whole, entire years since I've had everything that I wanted to have. I needed to see everyone again. I was itching to talk to my past.

Thankfully they were even more eager than I was.

A week ago I'd been curled up on my couch with a book I'd been trying to read for the past week. I hadn't gotten more than a couple pages before that inevitable interruption… interrupted. The phone jangled so loud in the complete silence I thought I was going to fall right off the hook. I just about fell off the couch and I lost my page in dropping my book on the floor. It was nearly one o'clock in the morning and anyone with common sense would know better than to call so late.

"Hello?" I asked thickly.

"Duo? It's me!"

Honestly, I drew a blank. I sat staring into space for a second thinking who the hell would call me at one in the morning and expect me to know who _I_ was, much less who _they_ were. "Who?"

"Don't tell me you don't recognize my voice…" Before I could say anything he cheerfully supplied the answer. "It's Quatre!"

"Of course it is." I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. "Has something happened?"

"Nothing's happened. Nothing's happened for four years." I could practically feel him grinning with every word he spoke. "That's why I'm calling."

That was one of the longest conversations I have ever had in my life. It's particularly hard to cram four years of life into a couple hours of conversation but we seemed to do a fair job. Like those times where you could have said a million different things until someone asked you and then your mind goes blank, I could think of nothing truly important to say to Quatre. The past four years could have not happened and we would have been basically the same people as we'd been when we parted.

Quatre had done considerably more than I, mostly because… well, he'd had a world to manage instead of just a household. What I had taken for the cheerful note in his voice began to show through as a forced effect. I could tell, just by listening to him, that he was dead tired. I couldn't blame him- he'd been shoved into his position so early in life and it wasn't as if he'd had a reasonable choice. What was he going to do? Tell them no, he wouldn't run the world because he had better things to do? I'm sure that wouldn't have gone over well.

I found out that we were the last two of the group to be phoned. Quatre was trying to put together a dinner for us. He didn't want to make a big deal of it so he explicitly said that he wasn't going to make it official anything. I laughed when he told me how good he'd become at shirking his duties to disappear for a while. I would suppose he had to be, to get any alone time at all with Trowa.

At any rate he invited Heero and I back to the surface for a week so everyone could catch up on life. I hastily agreed, far more than ready to see all of my friends again. I know it seems weird- we'd cut them so totally out of our lives as far as communication goes but… I could never let go of them. I watched the news constantly for anything involving Quatre. The circus Trowa sometimes traveled with visited our colony last year. On the off chance that Trowa would actually be with them I had attended. He must have known where the troupe was headed because he was actually there. I hadn't said anything to him but I had caught him looking our way more than once and smiled.

I ended up turning the phone over to Heero when he woke sometime around five thirty. He gave me a strange look as he fixed the collar of his shirt, growling at me to go to bed before giving me a quick kiss and turning his attention to the phone. I waited on the edge of the step to hear him react to who was on the phone, as I hadn't said anything. He gave me a sharp "I'm going to get you later" look but his voice never wavered as he greeted our friend. I just grinned and high-tailed it upstairs to start packing.

Getting to earth wasn't so bad. I mean aside from being reduced a quivering mass of nerves every time someone looked at me twice, we got on and off the shuttle with relative ease. It took us a while to settle into the hotel room we'd rented and I'd _had_ to make a call back home to check on the kid we had watching Loki and the loft. We hadn't been gone more than a day but I couldn't help worrying. Since we'd gotten Loki I'd almost never been apart from her.

I love Quatre and his meeting-making abilities but he really could have picked a better place to eat. We arrived at the restaurant and Heero immediately groaned and tried to sink into the passenger side seat of the car. I couldn't blame him. It was one of those loud, obnoxious places families go to in an attempt to hide the fact that they've got three screaming children. When we made it inside the walls were littered with junk that had been pasted up to promote a friendly atmosphere and the air smelled like cooking meat, fresh bread, and cigarette smoke.

We were nearly accosted by the lady hostess but I managed to spot the small knot of people we were really here to see. Trowa had taken a seat against the wall, directly across the table from Wu Fei, and they appeared to be discussing something to the exclusion of everything around them. Hilde was across the aisle listening to Sally chatter about something that seemed to be boring our young friend. Alternating between watching Trowa and the door, Quatre was the first to spot us.

It was a deer-in-the-headlights moment for both of us. As soon as our eyes met it was like the rest of the world dropped away and the past came flooding back. Everything that had happened- all the war, all the death, all the trials and grief, the happiness and the stolen moments of peace- everything that I had been shoving to the back of my mind for four _years _came wrapped up in one, split second glance.

Then he smiled, giving a little wave, and the moment was gone.

We were just guys getting together for dinner to catch up on a brand new lifetime.

It was strange sitting with everyone again. My logical brain said that it had been years, so many years that these could not possibly be the same people I had survived a war with and nearly given my life for on numerous occasions but my heart said nothing had changed. It felt like I hadn't skipped a beat at all. I remembered details I had no business remembering, like the way Trowa's eyebrow quirked just the slightest bit before he smiled, that bothersome strand of golden hair Quatre was always shaking his head to move out of his eyes, or the way Wu Fei looked at everyone just a second longer than he had to as if he were still paying attention to them after his attention had shifted. All if it was right there in front of me like it had never been stripped away.

It wasn't until near the end of the dinner that we learned the real reason Quatre had asked us to meet. He turned to me with a smile that I knew would be a precursor to a more serious conversation. I set down my glass and nestled back into the seat, returning the smile in a silent gesture that I was ready.

"Everyone…" He spoke softly and yet somehow every last one of the mini conversations stopped as all attention was turned to him. "It's been four years, almost exactly, since Dekim's strike. Nothing significant has happened and no one seems to remember who you four are." He motioned to Trowa, Wu Fei, Heero, and me. "I'm not saying it's time to broadcast the fact that you're still alive but I think… enough of the threat has passed that hiding from one another is going to be bothersome more than helpful."

We all stared at him, as though waiting for a point, but he only looked back at us as if we were expected to glean a point. When I saw that no one else was going to say anything, I leaned forward and rested my forearms against the edge of the table. "So what are you saying? We can call each other again. Maybe even do this sort of thing more often."

"There is a very specific reason I've asked you here now, instead of next year like I had planned. The people who bought your old house managed to contact me about two weeks ago. They said they were interested in selling the house and recalled that I had mentioned wanting to know." He looked directly at Heero and then to me. "I thought you might like to come back."

Heero tensed beside me, I could feel it against my leg, and I glanced over nervously. At the time I had known I missed Earth horribly. When I was living on the colonies I hadn't known about Earth. I'd ever been there so I didn't know what to miss. But after living there, after experiencing the difference between real grass and colony grass, real breeze and ventilated areas, bird song and mechanical gears- it was hard staying stuck someplace so confining. Heero though...

Heero loved order. He loved everything to be in the right places, loved everything he did to have a pattern and a schedule. I had never once heard him complain about living on the colony or even agree with me on the rare occasions I was tired enough to actually voice a problem. As far as I knew, he loved colony life.

"Have they sold it yet?" Heero asked anxiously.

"I asked them to wait. The offer is still open." Quatre's glance wavered between us and I saw a flicker of fear and doubt there.

Heero sat back and little and I slipped my hand into his, reassuring him with a quick squeeze. Whatever he decided I knew I would follow. Both places were home for me, in different ways, and there was no way I could make a decision if it were being asked of me. Quatre and I shared a nervous look for a split second before Heero cleared his throat.

"When," he spoke carefully, "can we move in?"

If it took longer to work out a few details than it should have it was only because I couldn't sit still. When I'm really happy I fidget and get excited at every little thing. I think it was only the mercy of me leaving to go to the bathroom that Quatre and Heero managed to work anything out at all. But they did and Quatre called the people before we'd even left the restaurant.

On the way out, Hilde gave us all bear hugs and promised to keep in contact, apologizing for having to leave so quickly. Sally gave Quatre and I a knowing glance before she turned to interrupt Wu Fei and Heero to ask if Wu Fei would like to follow her to the mall before they left for the evening or if he'd prefer to stay and talk for a bit. Of course that wasn't much of a choice for Wu Fei and Sally knew it. Quatre gave her a grateful look as she walked away, silently thanking her for giving us five boys a chance at alone.

It was as we were standing there, watching her leave and letting people pass us by as they entered and left the restaurant that I realized perhaps the most important thing the day had to offer- we really were a world apart. Even amongst friends, even with Hilde and Noin, Sally and Relena, Milliardo and Treize… The five of us were alone. Even though the world had forgotten who we were and remembered only what we'd done, we would never be allowed to dissolve into the normal world like the others.

We can't leave the past behind like they can.

We can't ever forget.

We can't ever be normal.

We can have normal jobs and live in normal places. We can have normal friends and normal pets, eat normal food in normal restaurants and do normal things like shopping afterwards but… we will always be separate. Different.

As exiled from normality as we have been made, though, it is that very same difference that binds us closer. No matter what, no matter where we go or what we do or who we meet along the way we will always have one another. I will always be able to pick up a phone and call them, regardless of the hour or place, and know that if I ask there will be help. There will be someone to lean on, someone to share hopes with, someone on the other end that _knows_. That _understands_.

It's been over eight years since we stepped into those gundams and spiraled down to Earth, shattering Operation Meteor at its root and beginning a three year long war that irrevocably brought together five young boys. We battled ourselves deeper and deeper into a war none of us wanted for people who changed their alliances almost daily. We'd been caged, beaten, tortured, and released and in the end we had come out of the fight bruised and broken, but alive.

Now it was over. I could stand there, outside that cheesy restaurant, watching the sun set with my three best mates in all the world and the one boy I loved more than anything… and I knew the world was finally where it was supposed to be.

It's just a couple of hours now, until our shuttle leaves. Heero has just managed to wrestle the tennis ball from Loki and is sitting here with me, watching me write. I'm pretty sure he can read it, even upside down, but I was going to let him read anyhow. It's not like it's anything he doesn't know, right? He's insisting that we have to go, to get to the shuttle on time. After all, customs takes _forever_ because people are so lazy getting us through. I can't help but smile at that. He's so excited about moving back to Earth.

Secretly? So am I.

It feels like the final page of a story. Like I can finally put down the worst chapters of my life and start something new. Something better. I've been through a lot in my life- some of it was good, most of it was bad but… I mean everything I've done and survived sort of adds up to who I am and at the end… I think that alone makes it worth living through the storm.

* * *

/**_For what it's worth it was worth all the while_**

**_It's something unpredictable_**

**_But in the end there's right_**

**_I hope you had the time of your life…_**/

* * *

/**End Chapter Twenty Nine, Through the Storm**/

* * *

/**End Through the Storm**/

* * *

Notes:

Well, that's it, finally. I hope you've enjoyed the ride, I know I had a lot of fun writing this. For anyone who cares the official disclaimer with citations for the lyrics used in the story is going to be posted directly after this chapter (it got a little long to add to the end of a chapter). Thanks for sticking with this to the end!

For anyone who is interested, I am signed up to do Beta reading.

* * *


	30. Disclaimer and Afterword

Author: CONTACTcon- 589113507 Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Through the Storm

Fandom: Gundam Wing After Colony (AC)

Pages: 221

Word Count: 132,808

**Summary:** It's funny how sometimes the world gets turned so totally upside down that when you finally make it through the storm and look back you can only wonder how you survived…

**Thanks, Praise, and Disclaimers**

**Claimer:**

The storyline for "Through the Storm" is property of me. Please do not copy, archive, or distribute without my permission.

**Disclaimer(s):**

I do not, in any way, claim to own the characters, world, or ideas behind the real television series "Gundam Wing After Colony (AC)" or its original video animation (OVA) addition "Endless Waltz". "Wild Hearts Can't be Broken" is entirely copyright to its respective owners who do not happen to be me.

None of the song clips at the beginnings or ends of the chapters belong to me. They belong to their respective owners as follows:

Chapter One: "All or Nothing" by O-Town

Chapter Two: "Invincible" by Pat Benetar

Chapter Three: "Clocks" by Coldplay

Chapter Four: "Bigger Than My Body" by John Mayor

Chapter Five: "Gunning Down Romance" by Savage Garden

Chapter Six: "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden

Chapter Seven: "All or Nothing" by O-Town

Chapter Eight: "Love on the Inside" by BB Mack

Chapter Nine: "The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band

Chapter Ten: "Carry on Dancing" by Savage Garden

Chapter Eleven: "Here's to the Night" by Eve6 (first line altered to 'so tonight' instead of 'so denied' to fit story)

Chapter Twelve: "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter Thirteen: "Say Anything" by Good Charlotte

Chapter Fourteen: "Violet" by Savage Garden

Chapter Fifteen: "Hold Me" by Savage Garden

Chapter Sixteen: "White Flag" by Dido

Chapter Seventeen: "Bright Lights" by Matchbox 20

Chapter Eighteen: "Moving On" by Good Charlotte

Chapter Nineteen: "Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down

Chapter Twenty: "Emotionless" by Good Charlotte

Chapter Twenty One: "Affirmation" by Savage Garden

Chapter Twenty Two: "Invincible" by Pat Benetar

Chapter Twenty Three: "Whisper" by Evanessence

Chapter Twenty Four: "Headstrong" by Trapt

Chapter Twenty Five: "One Thing" by Finger Eleven

Chapter Twenty Six: BEGINNING "I'll be missing you" by P. Diddy (alternately "Puff Daddy" if I understand correctly.) END "The One" by Daniel Bedingfield

Chapter Twenty Seven: "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette

Chapter Twenty Eight: "Best of Me" by The Starting Line

Chapter Twenty Nine: BEGINNING "Meant to Live" by Switchfoot END "Good Riddance" by Green Day (song alternately called "Time of our Lives.")

**Thanks and Praise:**

**I owe thanks to some specific people who contributed more than they ever had to give (or probably should have given).**

**Thanks (specific):**

**Sara Moon (Saramoon5):** You've been with me since the very IDEA for Storm was conceived, sat around with me until wee hours of the morning plotting all manner of stupid things, inspired me in a thousand ways and damn well near beat me to keep me writing this. Dear GOD thank you just does not cut it. You've been so pissed-offedly patient with me through this whole story and helped with just so, so much of it. You suffered through a myriad of dumb ideas. You lead me around blind when I asked it of you. You taught me about guns and knives and dogs and hospital visits. NONE of the fighting or the hospital scenes would have been worth the memory they are stored on if you hadn't helped me. Your knowledge has worked wonders within this story and I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't so very, very grateful for it all.

**Maz**** (Mazmaraz):** For all the review work you've done for me through the duration of this fic… god, words can't say enough. I've gotten reviews before but yours just –floored- me. I'm so happy that you stuck it out with me and helped me through everything. You put up with dumb questions and nonsensical rambling at four in the morning (which really wasn't so bad since it was six in the afternoon where you were). You didn't just tell me what to fix you made ME figure it out while nudging me in the right direction and honestly… my writing has improved because of it. You've given me the gift of LASTING improvement and for that I cannot thank you enough.

**Thanks (general):**

Congrats. If you've reached this point you've probably spent a good much longer chunk of time than you ever should have reading this. I'm honored, really and truly. The help and support from all of my reviewers was golden and priceless to me. You have no idea how many times I got disheartened and wanted to just stop writing Storm but… Every time I would go and click through the reviews and I'd feel ready to write all over again. So if you've reviewed… thank you. So much. It means so much to me.

**Ending Notes:**

I hope you have all enjoyed this wild little ride. Since writing this (it's been what, five years since the first time I posted this?) I have stepped out of the fanfiction world and into the world of original fiction. Please be sure to visit my original fiction page at (penname: Sparkle Itamashii and Itamashii Sparkle) if you like my writing. See you all next time!


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